Saturday, July 24, 2010

To Andy, With Love

Once you are numb to love, you no longer fear the present. When you let your guard down, you will one day get stabbed in the heart. I had run away from my past and a life that once seemed so perfect because the pain had been so devastating to my heart and mind. For too long I had been in denial about the trauma and betrayal that Andy caused. But, in that moment when the past was suddenly very much a part of my present it suddenly clicked. What it is exactly I'm not sure. What I felt as I graciously welcomed the Big Bad Wolf into my sanctuary was anger. Lots and lots of anger and resentful. I had pushed my feelings aside all this time because I didn't think I was capable of dealing with the trauma. I feared revealing all the dirty little secrets and forbidden tales of a bittersweet relationship because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. Seriously? Was I that afraid of burning a few bridges? Bridges that I never wanted to cross again, that I secretly hoped would get hit my lightening, blown up or crumbled away as my life did. Never again. I'm going to take a cue from the fabulously fearless Kate and her "And the heart says, whatever," (courtesy of Emily Gould) attitude to all the big bad wolves and jackass sewer rats.
I had remained in a very fragile state since the day life as I knew it was altered. Even though I had moved on and began a new life in a new city and had a fabulous new boyfriend it always seemed like the ghosts were mocking me and patiently waiting for a vulnerable moment to frighten me. Okay, you win! Happy? I was happy, so happy. I was living in a fantasy. How could McDreamy and I ever last? The complicated reality had begun to lose its sexy and mysterious appeal. This isn't to say it's over. For some the allure is the chase and if that's the case then our relationship perhaps could continue as is forever. But, we can't keep running at some point we need to stop. In what direction we go from there will ultimately determine if we can last standing still.
So, what was I talking about to begin with? Right. The big bad wolf. My jackass sewer rat. The asshole that caused me months of agony, crying, a lifetime of therapy, a blog, a new home in a new city and lets not forget if it weren't for Andy I never would have met McDreamy. Well in that case I don't completely hate him, but I will forever have a photo of the Big Bad Wolf glued to the dartboard. So thanks Andy, looks like married life isn't all it's cracked up to be after all. I'm the leading lady, not the friend with benefits or for that matter anyone to you ever again. Forget my name, my number, my address. You are died to me and I don't talk to ghosts. You had your chance babe, never again.

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