Saturday, July 30, 2011

Dating Blows

I HATE DATING!! Clearly I wasn't wired like most people. Especially those on dating sites. I seriously don't get texting. It's the most retarded invention when your conversations are "Hi. How are you?" "What are you doing?" "Good morning" "Good night" I don't get the fun in this. Send my a freakin email or better yet pick up the damn phone you are texting me from and dial the phone on the screen and have a real conversation with words that are more than four letters.
I didn't sign up to play wheel of fortune. I shouldn't be playing a guessing game trying to figure out what you are saying in chicken scratch.
Dating sounds about as fun as going to the dentist's and yet I'm going on a long weekend date with a nameless man because I think it might be fun. Why is it that the good guys who you know will treat you like a princess and never break your heart are so god damn BORING? and the mysterious JSR's so appealing as a rebellious saint?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Life Well Lived

From the beginning of the blog, we have all shared stories of lust, love, newfound relationships, and lost loves. Today I have written a little something different to allow people to understand my thought process a little better. I have said over and over how I almost always get what I want. It isn't anything about being cocky or arrogant; on the other hand, I do whatever it takes to achieve my happiness. I take risks most wouldn't even think about, but second-guessing is not in my nature. I have lived an eventful life and done many things some could only dream about. I have been asked, "What would you do, if you could do anything?" I pondered that question for a while and honestly...I don't have too much I would want to do that I haven’t done already. Without having it all and loosing it, you wouldn't respect what you once had. Many have questioned my answers to these types of questions, but after reading this, you can see for yourself why I made the recent decisions I have made. Last week I filed a "do not resuscitate" or "DNR" (a legal order written either in the hospital or on a legal form to respect the wishes of a patient to not undergo CPR or advanced cardiac life support if their heart were to stop or they were to stop breathing. This request is usually made by the patient or health care power of attorney and allows the medical teams taking care of them to respect their wishes).

In order for you to understand my decision, I have written a few reasons as to "why”:

I have lived in over 7 different countries including Africa, Philippines, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Germany, Hawaii and a few others I don't really remember. I have been on a REAL safari, been chased by the most venomous snakes in the world (black/green momba), actually seen "monkey in a high chair" (Google this), had a few local monkeys as friends, eaten with a few presidents (U.S and others), killed a king cobra, as well as drank his blood/venom mixture (a ritual performed after the snake loses to the mongoose in the black market. Known to give supernatural powers to anyone, for life). Seen people hung and killed in the streets (during a coup), met real tribe members, had black magic, voodoo, and Santeria curses put upon me, ridden a elephant, camel, stallion, emu, donkey, turtle and a few big girls I'd rather not talk about Hahaha j/k. I have caught and eaten my own food from all around the world, been in numerous natural disasters (hurricanes, typhoons, monsoons, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and sand storms) and even a few bombing attacks and shootings. I have learned over 4 languages (while living there, but forgot now). I have seen that money does grow on trees (depending what type you grow and sell), broken numerous bones (told I would never walk the same again), won over 25 gold, silver, and bronze medals, was in the Olympics and took home Gold and bronze for the U.S, had a few hole-in-one's, rolled a few perfect strikes, ridden or driven about everything known to man, and have owned about 25% of them. Had over a million dollars of assets at the age of 25, lost $250,000 in one day, and made $150,000 in a day as well. Money is SHIT!! It comes and goes...Some "try" to impress me with it, but once you've had it, it doesn’t impress me much. In no way am I trying to brag, I am just trying to point out the reasons for my recent decisions. This list could go on for months, and my stories are plentiful. I have been in a commercial, on live TV, met many famous people, tried some drugs, sold some drugs, grew some pot, got straight A's in school, got some F's as well, got arrested, been to jail, passed the test to become a cop (but didn't want to because it wasn't me), only had one job since high school, been successful and well as not, owned many pets, done 90% of dares put upon me, out ran a cop in a corvette (as well as a mustang), been surfing, white water rafting, cliff diving, bungee jumping, rock climbing, sky diving, flew a plane, raced numerous boats, been 124 mph on the water, been 170 mph on the road, swam with sharks( wrestled a few as well), fell 100 ft from a tree and didn't break a bone (branches broke my fall), seen a live birth, saw someone die, been paid for sex, paid for sex, had threesomes (not as good as they sound), dated sisters, as well as twins, flew to a different state for lunch, been to another country on a boat, been hit by lightening on a plane, lost an engine on a plane as well. Met the astronauts who died when the space shuttle exploded (on my flight a few days before), saw OJ Simpson with a glove on and it fit (cooking some BBQ at his house), had a private tour of the White House, been chased by a bear, seen beetles a foot long, and stung my numerous insects. Swam with wild dolphins and manatees, been in love, lost loved ones.
I have done so much and if things ended for me tomorrow, I can really say I lived a satisfied life. Many have questioned me recently, wondering why I have been a little down, but if you stood in my shoes, you would know I am complete! I don't need, or want too much more than what I have done in my past. So when you say it is impossible for me to have checked off everything on my "bucket list" already, you are correct! But not sure if the white picket fence, the kids, and the mini-van are what I need. If you still don't understand my decisions or choices, go ahead and ask me more...I’m sure either I’ve done it, or I'm not interested.
Its not that I want something to happen to me, it's just that I am 90% complete and not too much that I haven’t done. Some may never understand, but others may. It all depends on your thoughts on success and fulfillment.
The Man

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dummies Guide To Online Dating

If you are a single woman over the age of thirty most people feel sorry for you and when you go to social functions your love life or lack there of suddenly seems to be everybody's business. Yet if you are a single guy over the age of thirty people automatically assume that something is wrong with you. Is this a far and accurate assumption? Probably not, but as I'm discovering looks can be very deceiving and if a person seems to good to be true on paper, immediately hit the escape button because it's not such a perfect life after all. Don't be fooled by the situation abs, killer resume or pretty woman fluff.
When browsing thru the online dating directory, remember that first impressions are especially important here and while you can easily narrow down your top ten list it is important to double check key comments listing what the matches are looking for. Follow your gut feeling, but try not to interrogate the poor guy.
For example, if a guy is 39 and is seeking women 18-29, this is a warning sign that the guy probably has some issues. If a guy is specifically seeking a woman who makes less money than them, again a warning sign. If a guy calls you sweetie or any other baby name after just one date or even after a few dates this is not cute, it's disturbing and for me a deal breaker. If a guy doesn't return your call or email within three days, not cool but not horrible. Unless someone died, if it's been a week and still no communication end it cold turkey. It doesn't take more than a second to say hi. Is that really asking for too much?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I joined an online dating site a month ago with the goal of meeting "the one", but let's be honest that's asking for a lot more than a thirty-dollar membership could ever provide.
It's much easier to meet eligible single men in a cattle call of sorts. There are so many seemingly great guys on these sites that unless you meet in person within the first 48 hours you probably won't ever meet. Surprisingly the same fear of growing old alone that women in their mid to late thirties have is the same for many men as well. FYI guys it's not at all appealing. Suck it up; enjoy being single and not having to split your assets. Desperation is not sexy.
When it comes to disclosing this blog to new acquaintances I fear the backlash and misunderstand of my written words, especially the posts from the old days when we were posting multiple times a day and our blogs were more a bashing of all things men. Not exactly the best first date conversation. The other day I started talking to a guy who happens to be in the blogging world and has made a successful career in the online arena. I was intrigued by his businesses and as a blogger myself I thought it would be a good conversation icebreaker so I let him in on my sorta secret life here.
He didn't immediately run away, but the next morning I got this email.

Subject line: The most awesome display of female rage I may have ever seen


Given your blog, I couldn't help but send this to you. Am I that out of touch with the times that I'm unaware that a simple "thank you" is no longer required?

Two days ago, I went on a first date with a girl who seemed nice enough. The odd thing was that when I paid for our dinner and drinks, she didn't bother to say thank you...and for me, that was kind of a put off. Don't know why (I should have know better), but I wrote her afterwards what I thought was a polite email saying why I wouldn't be calling again so that I didn't just leave her hanging and wondering why I never called on what she probably thought was a decent date (when leaving, she asked me to call her again).

The response was so utterly mind-blowing and hilarious, that I just couldn't help but share it. Rather ironic that teacher didn't bother to spell-check her own hate-male full of insults, huh?

This is what I sent to her to unleash the tidal way of rage you are about to read below (from her unemployed roommate, no less)

Hi Erica,

Thanks for coming out with me last night. I wanted to give you some feedback, instead of just leaving you wondering why I didn't call you again.

At the start of our date, you made it clear that you could easily afford your rent without your roommate. Then, when it came time to pay for our meal, not only did you not bother to OFFER to chip in, you didn't even say thank you after I dropped $50 on our date.

I wasn't going to bother writing to tell you this, but as this was a monstrous turn-off, I thought you might like to know so you don't do it to the next guy.

That aside you seemed like a very nice girl, so it’s a shame that you don't feel the need to contribute financially to your entertainment; especially on the very first date.


PS. If you are going to reply with all sorts of nasty stuff, please don't bother, as I'm not trying to start an argument. Instead, I thought it was possible that you weren't even aware of this rather unattractive behavior.

This is what her roommate sent me....WOW!

This is Erica's roommate, Nancy. I wanted to write this to you because your email was pretty upsetting. Clearly, a gentleman you are not.

Number one, "feedback"? Are you a professor of dating? This confuses me as I am a teacher, and feedback is what I give when I get a poorly written essay. Unless you are an authority (i.e. two English degrees) on a subject, offering feedback is condescending and arrogant.

Two, just because Erica makes a good living (as do I--yes, teachers make a nice salary!), NEVER justifies a GENTLEMAN even assuming for a split second that a woman would pay for a first date. EVER. Pick up a an etiquette book, a copy of Esquire, TURN ON THE DAMN EVENING NEWS, hell, ask a homeless guy; MEN pay for dates. Always.

Two and half, $50? The fact that you would even tell her the amount of the bill, on top of assuming she would split it with you, well...really? I go out with guy friends who ALWAYS pay--and would never let me see the bill amount.

Three, a "monstrous" turnoff? That's a big word for someone who didn't have the balls to pay for the bill willingly, and then invite a girl in to watch a movie, thus continuing your date. On top of that, Erica DROVE TO YOU. That etiquette book you need to buy, it would tell you that YOU drive to a where a girl lives, and/or pick her up. Again, obviously no one taught you how to be a gentleman. Hence, you are 41 and single. Who are you to again offer wisdom on what she should not " the next guy.”?

Four, it's a "shame" that she didn't "feel the need" to pay? Are you for real? Are you an illusion, a hologram, a woman inside of a man's body? You are so hung up on money it makes me want to actually punch you in the nuts and decidedly eliminate the possibility that a jerk like you could procreate!

Your attempt at an intellectual retort to an impromptu date that YOU arranged is embarrassing, and ample proof why you are single.

Also, you live in South Beach, right? That's gay. Are you 19? Do you like beer pong? Getting high? Do you regularly "get down" at the Typhoon Saloon? And you own a cat? Oh dear Jesus! And you drive a Lotus? Did the doctor botch your circumcision and just cut your penis off?

You are not an "optimist" as your introduction says. No word of what you wrote would indicate to any person on earth with half a brain that you think positively about anything.

Your email made me sad. Not for you, but for any other girl you end up going out with. Maybe you should just apologize in advance to everyone who comes to meet you at your cool home in SB, you giant pussy.

In the time it took me to write this, I think I may have actually lost brain cells. Enjoy your single life in your cat hair-covered bed sheets.

You're lucky I wrote this, because Erica wanted to take out a full-page ad in the local paper warning all the single girls about douche bags like you. Really, she's got the money.

Next time you go to buy cat food in SOUTH BEACH, think about why you're buying CAT FOOD in SOUTH BEACH at 41-years-old. Wow, that sentence just blew my mind.

Actually, I feel like I need to take a shower now. You disgust me, and women everywhere should be warned about "men" like you.

If you would like to respond, you can email ME. Erica only shared this with me because she could not believe her eyes when this email came in. And being that I am her friend, I felt the need to respond, and break down your phenomenally weak argumentative email.


Where do I begin...I'm no Oprah or Judge Judy, but I guess I should be partly flattered and partly confused by being sent this email, especially given the subject line. My words were not sugar coated and my honesty in regards to the bizarre conversation may not have been what he wanted to hear, but hey I'd rather know now that we aren't a good match.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Friends Without Faces

We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens,
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze,
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.

We chat with each other, we type all our woes,
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody, to type out our name,
We want recognition, but it is always the same.

We hugs, and sometimes flirt,
In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.
We do form friendships - but - why we don't know,
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.

Why is it on screen, we can be so bold,
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.
Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind,
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.

The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell "real" people, but tell someone we must,
So we turn to the 'computer', and to those we can trust.

Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains,
They are Friends Without Faces,
and odd little names deed for another day,
Morning has come in a special way,
May you smile like the sunny rays &
Leave your worries for some other day...

In Life when you get into trouble; don’t get nervous,
Just close your eyes and listen to your Heart;
Because the Heart may be on the left…

But it is always right !! -unknown

The Man

Friday, July 15, 2011

Tag You're It

You must keep on believing good times will follow. That not every guy is a childish, egotistical, jackass sewer rat. Do I have a sign on me that says, "Please mess with my heart?" But, after a while you start to see a pattern with the type of men you are bringing home and giving exclusive access to your heart.
There is no truth built in a web of lies. Disappointment is thinking all this time that you had the only key to a person's heart and later discovering that it wasn't the right key or heart. That contracts supposedly broken months ago were in fact never terminated. That in fact every word from day one was a bigger lie than the last. It's easy to walk away in the wake of destruction and never think twice about the domino effect of your actions. It's easy to put the blame on the people fighting to piece back their lives. It's easy to stay away when you have a choice and when complicated is the last thing you wanted or needed in your private life.
It sure seems lovely in paradise.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Balancing Out the Ghost

Wow. I didn't realize it had been so long since I had written I too am spending my time living life.
Last you all read about me was that it didn't work out with this guy. Our differences had created a barrier. Well not long after I wrote that blog he decided to not allow a barrier to exist. After all, what if this person is the person that you end up spending the rest of your days with. Happy and in love. But you allowed the fear of the possibility of being hurt again stop you. There was never any denying the attraction between us. A blind man could see it. But with so many differences between us you couldn't help but wonder how could it work?
Right now he is in Italy visiting his family. He has been there for almost 7 weeks now. 3 more to go. Its not the easiest "official" beginning to a relationship, but keep in mind that we had been seeing each other for about 6 months before we made it official. This time apart physically is showing us how much we mean to each other emotionally. It is proving to be an important time for us. I must say Thank God for technology though. We are in contact with each other every day. Whether its text messages, emails, phone calls or skype. We have not gone a day without talking to each other. The time difference is a bit of a pain in the butt. When I am getting up in the morning he is going to bed. When I am finishing work he is getting up in the morning. Although we are on different sides of the world the constant contact at times makes me feel like he could just be at home. That he really isn't that far away.
I have started to learn Italian. Not a class or anything, but I throw a CD on in my car, or learn a word to put in a text, or by translating words from his messages. Our differences have now become assets. He is looking forward to teaching me Italian and scuba diving and maybe next year showing me Italy. I look forward to taking him to football games, theme parks and experiencing all things Australian.
I believe in Karma. Maybe this gorgeous man who has come into my life and opened my eyes to so many things is karma's way of balancing out the ghost who broke my heart.
Aussie Gal

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Well, it's been quite some time since writing on the blog. It's not that I don't have much to write about, it's that I, too want to be somewhat private about my life. I first wrote on this site in hopes to tell my side of the dating nightmares, but somehow I was judged and my stories (whether true or not) were read and lead to a few relationships ending before truly getting started.
What if: you met someone, got along great, found you had so much in common, and things seemed great....but then they were able to read into your past? Your failed relationships, things you wrote in confidence in hopes to help someone? but somehow your past ruined your possible future? Let me ask...If everyone you met had a handbook of everything they once did, whom they dated, and past history (good & bad), their likes/dislikes were all right there for you to see, would you read before giving them a chance? We all have skeletons in our closets, and some of our closets are walk-ins, but do you really tell someone everything? Doubtful, but in time, you can slowly tell your stories and adventures if the time is right. Well, here's where I am today...You will never know if what I write is completely true, or written for shock factor. You will never know the "real me". If you want to know "me", than get to know "me"! I met someone and hit it off right away, but there were a few warning signs I should have paid attention to. Or should I have never spoken to a reader whom had a crush on my words on the screen? Well, I shared the "real me" with her, and this is where the mistakes began. Her and I began chatting about our adventures in dating and from writing, we exchanged numbers, then the "likes" on our facebook posts, to the photo comments and so on. We got to a point in which we just had to meet face to face to see if the connection behind the screens and phones were a reality, or just some lustful thoughts. We did eventually meet, hit it off great and began seeing each other on a different level. Yes, it was more than words, texts, and voices. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and it SEEMED we were on the same level. Here's where things got tricky : She told all of her friends about the "real me" and the "writer" me. What happens? her friends read the blog from day one (not knowing if what I wrote were facts of fiction) and told her she must read everything before seeing me again. The calls dropped off, the texts slowed, and the other signs were right there for me to see. She must have read something she just couldn't handle. It took her about a week to get the courage to let me know she read it. She was shocked!! Had I changed from the person she met? NO!! I was the same person she confided in and told me deep, dark secrets of her friends and family. I just find the statement "misery loves company" so true!! Her best friend was sleeping with a married man who recently dumped her, and she just couldn't go through the difficulty of knowing she wasn't wanted by a man who could commit to her, so she turned to whom she "thought" was her best friend. Why I find this whole story so funny is that the woman I was getting along great with, hated this guy her friend was with (when she was single) but when her friend was away, that kitten would play. She actually slept with him on a few occasions, and told her best friend she didn't like him because he was a jerk,but the reality is that it was tough seeing them together. Now it seems I am the "jerk" for not noticing the problems of these types of women. Some people have no idea who their friends truly are. I on the other would never hook up with a buddies friend and then be able to look them in the eye. I'm guessing one or the other will not be truly happy without each other, but this blog may help them to free the demons within. They are both readers, and I'm sure this will arise many questions of their pasts, but perhaps they will learn that if your friend is happy, leave them (and their boyfriend) the fuck alone!! and maybe they will find someone who likes them, and not try to break up happy homes. Sweet dreams :)
The Man

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

When It Rains, It Pours

Feast or famine. Isn't that always the case? It seems that the second you move on with your life the past starts knocking on your door. Which isn't a bad thing considering my new company. I would have liked a heads up and some breathing room, but it's all good and even though I am well aware that by tomorrow I could be off the guest list again I am enjoying the party while it lasts.
So last week when I temporarily ran away to the golden state I had a drink with an intriguing stranger at the end of the bar. Absolutely gorgeous man looks like Enrique Iglesias, I'll call him Summer Catch (thanks V). Of course he lives thousands of miles from me, but thanks to technology we haven't stopped talking.
Last night during yet another gypsy adventure I found myself in an unfamiliar place and state. As I sat at the bar sandwiched in between couples I wondered what was next in this epic journey and just then I got a text from Summer Catch. I was on cloud nine. He likes me, he really likes me. Then this morning it started raining men. I woke up to an email from an ex who last month emailed me out of the blue after a year of not speaking to say he had finally found "the one" and was getting married. I congratulated him and questioned why he cared so much about my martial status when he was supposedly about to get hitched. This morning's email was again asking about my martial status. Paradise isn't so lovely after all. Go figure and my BFF emails me to tell me about gossip related to a different ex. Which had I heard it last week I would have been crushed, but now I'm actually happy for him. Then as I'm driving home I literally almost drove into the first ex on the road. Lucky me for remembering license plates and makes and models of old flames vehicles. But, I ended the day with a message from the latest flavor of the month so all is good.

Patience is a Virtue

Happiness is a beautiful feeling. Cherish it while it lasts. Chase away your fears and you might be happily surprised what comes next. There rarely is a good reason behind most decisions made, but sometimes the wisest choices are the ones that lack rationalization.
You might be happily surprised by who is waiting for you when you step off the plane or in my case jump out of. If you allow the words and actions of outsiders to mandate how you live the carousel ride will never end. Let you and only you guide the way.
However you get to happiness is up to you, just try not to loss sight of it when everyone around you appears more like the wicked witch than friends and family.
There is a lot I could be writing about now, but for the first time in a long time I'm starting to understand why some people carefully create a very private life. It's easier not to get hurt or be humiliated when no one else knows about your failures or broken heart. I've come to respect this quality, but also come to hate the pressures it puts on others.
If you have nothing to hide then what are you protecting? Fear of not being perfect? Are you afraid that everyone will see past the mysterious allure and unlock the truth? The truth is some people try and chase away their fears by jumping out of planes, flying around the world pretending to be someone else, building walls around their heart, being a bully, being stubborn, speaking before thinking, because they are fragile and vulnerable.
We are who we are. This can't be changed. So instead we have to learn to let go and learn to except that not every relationship will end well or with proper closure. You have to pick yourself up and continue making your way in the world minus one. You might actually enjoy the newfound freedom and determination and you never know where the road less traveled will take you.
With Love,

Saturday, July 9, 2011


We have been totally slacking at writing on the blog. Sorry :O
It just seems so hard to come up with new material when we keep editing away at our daily life more and more before making it public. Somethings really should be left unsaid. Like how I seem to attract only unavailable men who live thousands of miles away. Wonder what that says about me? or how some days (6 out of 7) I just want to get in my car and keep driving. So far I've only made it to the next state and then turned around after discovering that I left my wallet behind, but remembered to grab all my shoes. At least I've got my priorities in order.

Vanilla Box

Last Wednesday I woke up and decided I wanted to go skydiving. I had never seriously thought about jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet before. So then why now? For the last few months I've been drawing outside the lines so to speak, trying to create something new, but instead with each step forward it feels like I'm falling ten steps back. Hense, the idea to literally jump out a window or in this case a plane.
During this same pre mid life crisis I decided I should fly across the country to somewhere new to momentarily escape reality and for a few days it works. I went skydiving on Sunday and spent the rest of the holiday weekend spending some quality time with me, myself and I.
Of course this week when I returned "home" I wanted to jump out of a plane again. Maybe next month...