Saturday, July 24, 2010

Standing Still

It's Saturday again and so far I have not had any unwelcomed guests knocking on my door. I meant to write more this week, but shit happened. (Let's stop being PG on this blog. What's the point of having a disclaimer if the content isn't even worthy of a warning.)
For the most part I am a proper, gracious, well-educated, polite woman. I forgive and forget people’s faults and wrongs easily and not much phrases me. That is unless you are the person who broke my heart, cheated and lied to me, knocked up your secretary oh and let's not forget turned my life upside down and the shear sight of your face (which was plastered on what seemed like an excessive amount of billboards) ultimately forced me to pack up and move across the country.
Up until last weekend I had come to trust my inner circle with full confidence that my whereabouts were carefully guarded and sworn to secrecy. Well, so much for that the security has officially been breached and it was by my mother. What would possess you to think this was a brilliant idea? Did you not hear a word I said in all this time about what a bastard the Big Bad Wolf Andy is? You didn't really think I would take him back just because he was wearing an expensive suit and had a bouquet of red roses? Keep dreaming mother and because of your impulsive decision to give out my home address and poor judgment I will be sending you the bill from my shopping spree at Barneys. Retail therapy is way better than seating on a couch in a musty room watching as every word I say is written down intensely.
If only I had told the whole story from the beginning, exposing and reliving each moment we shared. Maybe, then my mother wouldn't have thought it was wise idea to talk to Andy in the first place and then tell him where I live and work. Thanks Mother!
I must be honest a part of me was really happy to see him. This feeling lasted for about one second when I remembered how I had come to be living in New York City and then the reality really hit me when I saw the wedding band on his finger. He didn't even have the courtesy to remove the ring. What an asshole! Maybe then I wouldn't have felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks and wouldn't be torn with emotion. Had I followed in Kate's no holds barred reaction to pain and betrayal I too wouldn't have been nearly as blindsided or confused as I was last Saturday. When JSR and company found this blog (well found would imply they had been looking for it) when in reality it was neatly gift wrapped and placed in their mailbox. Kate felt it was time. Time to face the past head on. Time to make peace as best she could and time to finally see people's true colors and idiotic reasoning. She was fearless, always has been. She didn't fear the jackass or his entourage. For the first time since starting the blog, she truly was at peace with the past and she hasn't looked back since. She has disconnected herself from JSR and company and now finds amusement writing about them. I want that reaction I need that feeling.

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