Friday, April 30, 2010

To New Beginnings

I'm finally waking up from the broken dream. It's been a long time coming. A roller coaster of emotions over the last year. This time last year I felt like I was on top of the world and nothing could hurt me. Funny thing is one year later I feel the same way, but for very different reasons.
Whether I was clinically depressed for the last few months I'm not completely sure. I knew something was off. In public I would act normal, but inside I was far from fine. But, I didn't want to admit to myself that one person's actions could have such a severe effect on me. I so desperately wanted to come out of my sour mood, but as hard as I tried I just couldn't. I didn't think anyone noticed my sober attitude, but I was wrong. It might sound odd or silly perhaps, but after a brief conversation, a couple weeks ago with a co-worker, (who just went thru a bitter divorce) a part of the old me woke up. How something so minor could so quickly start to turn my life around is amazing. I've been living in my past when my present was wasting away. I suppose I needed that jolt of reality to bring me back to life.
I had moved across the country to get away from my past, but my new surroundings couldn't fix the pain that had been inflicted. Turns out only time can mend a broken heart. I have accomplished more in the last two weeks than I had in the last few months. For the first time I no longer think about him or us or what we were or question the past. I will never get an answer to a puzzling life and I must let it go, because he doesn't deserve my tears.
Today is a new day to a new life and a rather fitting ending to a roller coaster month. I can't believe it's only been a month since I started the blog and joined facebook. It feels like so long ago and yet now the days just fly by.
Thanks again everyone for the support and I hope you continue to follow our blog.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the hardest part is waking up." - John Mayer

I've always been a big dreamer and a hopeful optimistic. I've made poor decisions both professionally and personally, but I have learned from my mistakes and tried not to repeat them.
Last month, on a whim I signed up for eHarmony and At least with it's more personable. All the essential info right up front, but one has to wonder how many of these people are pimping themselves out on multiple dating sites and should you hit it off with one of them can you really trust that they aren't still using the sites? Eharmony on the other hand is a complete joke. I want my money back. It's the most complicated communication system and there is no personality to finding a match.
Where are the normal, attractive men anyhow? With the exception of a handful of potential suitors, the majority of men are either over forty, divorced and bitter, incredibly self absorbed with a six pack or never married but have multiple kids. I thought I found a decent guy with a great job and similar interests. We had been chatting online for a few weeks, but never got a chance to meet in person due to scheduling conflicts. He wasn't my typical type, but I'm a sucker for foreigners. He is originally from South America and he still travels there at least once a month for business. So, we were suppose to me for drinks this weekend and I emailed him on Monday to confirm and now it's basically Friday and still no answer. I can see that he has been on match within the last twenty-four hours so he must have gotten my emails. At least have the decency to respond and tell me you aren't interested anymore. You can't hate me already we haven't even met.
I signed up for three months so I have thirty days left and unless George Clooney or Jude Law become members my chances of finding love in cyber space aren't looking so hot.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Love Warfare

When you are growing up why doesn't anyone tell you that love is complicated. In elementary school boys were considered a foreign species. By middle school our opinion of the opposite sex is changing and while they maybe annoying pranksters at times we are starting to develop crushes and coupling up. In high school, if you weren't dating someone you were in the minority. It was rather unfair given that the majority of attractive guys were the jocks and in my school if you weren't a cheerleader or a dizzy blond you were basically invisible.
I had my first kiss when I was fifteen and it was far from romantic. It was wet and sloppy, felt like I was getting French kissed by my dog. If anything I walked away that night hoping I would never have to experience that horrible event again. I met my first "boyfriend" when I was in seventh grade. He is still as gorgeous as I remember. He wasn't like the other boys. He had class and romance. If there were such a thing as a perfect guy he would be up there. The first time he tried to hold my hand, I freaked out and was so repulsed by the sheer thought of such a public display of affection.
Even at such a young age, why is it that we will feel we must show our "taken" status? Are we subconsciously insecure or is it purely innocent? Even back then it felt like everyone was looking for their next true love. At least in our bubbled youth, life wasn't complicated with the whole harry met sally sex factor.
In relationships, I am usually the one who loves more than the other and I am the one who gets kicked to the curb every single time. I feel like such an ass.
No one tells you that once you meet a boy, there’s no guarantee that once he likes you, he’ll always like you. You’re always going to be trying to figure out if you can live with the other, the good, the bad and all the in-betweens. I’m a very forgiving and accommodating person, so for the chance at receiving love, I pretty much overlook most things as long as you’re not a serial killer or pedophile.
All the fairytales, romantic comedies, and stories I grew up with told me the same story: the boy meets the girl and falls madly in love and they live happily ever after. They don’t warn you that relationships require a lot of work, blood, tears, compromises, laughter, misunderstandings, patience, and good and bad sex. You have to be lucky enough to find someone who fits you as well and is willing to stick around to see it through. John and I fit in so many ways, but at the same time our personalities were so opposite that we were doomed from the start.
Love is never equal, but you can try to find someone who takes turns getting the shorter end of the stick with you—that way no one always wins or loses all the time.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I Love You Not

"Love is never equal
The love between two people
Someone always gets kicked to the curb
Someone's always let out freezing
Battered down and bleeding
Love is never equal after all."
- Jill Sobule, Love is Never Equal

I had convinced myself that if someone truly loved me then we wouldn't have to say, "I'm sorry" to each other. As I've gotten older I realize that I was wrong. Turns out those two or three words are sometimes the most difficult words to say to another person, especially someone you love.
I look back at my love life and there were so many moments where I bent over backwards for a guy to like me. So many moments when I should have walked away. I over looked their callous treatment of my heart. I pretended that I didn't need to hear how they felt for me. I realize now that my relationship growing up with my father is at the core of this destructive submissiveness. He had a temper and was verbally abusive at times to my mother, to his mother and sister and to myself. He would always apologize after the fact, but growing up in a house where I constantly felt like I needed to prove my worth, subconsciously later in life has affected my dealings with men.
I entered into relationships where I took care of the guy, did somersaults to gain their love, bought them gifts, took them out for expensive dinners. For the most part I was the breadwinner and I am proud of the fact that I don't need a man to support me. The thing is I am not a submissive, insecure person. I am typically an extrovert so it surprises me now to realize that how needy I have been in my past romantic relationships.
Ultimately they would leave without knowing what they did to me. I smiled through all the rejections, all the while knowing deep inside me that they were the ones who were in the wrong. They were the ones who needed to apologize; they were the ones who needed my forgiveness. But, time and time again I never required them to apologize for their actions, instead I kept apologizing for mine. I wanted to win their love so badly (win my father's love and approval). I thought somehow if I remained as kind and genuine and sweet and loving as I could be one of these guys would see me for who I was and appreciate having me in their lives and wouldn't ever let me go, but I was wrong because none of them were the right guy for me.
That was until I met Andy, or so I thought. He was the first guy who really got me. I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be someone I wasn't when I was with him. I spoke my mind and didn't fear what he would think of me. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. He was the opposite of any guy I had ever been with. He was the first to say, "I love you," he remembered our anniversary even when I didn't, he would lavish me with gifts. I've never been one for over the top romantic gestures. But, over time you learn to love the grand gestures. Everyday is like living in a pretty woman moment. But, the honeymoon can't last forever.
Real love is having to say "I'm sorry," many times and actually mending your way to show that you mean it. Nothing is what it seems. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Old Friends and Intrigue

The world works in mysterious ways. When one door closes, another opens. From the outside what is perceived to be a happy relationship turns out was far from perfect.
Have you ever met someone who you were attracted to, but never thought of them in an intimate way because you were in a relationship and they were married?
When I was working in Los Angeles, my boss at the time was happily married or so I thought as was I. During the years we worked together our conversations were rarely about our personal life, but from the little I did know about his life outside of work I was under the impression he was madly in love. Fast forward and boy how life has changed. We both left the company a few years ago and lost touch until last year when we reconnected online and at first I never considered him more than an acquaintance. I don't remember how it came about, but over time our conversations became more personal. In just six months we have learned more about one another then we ever knew in the three years we worked together. The person I thought he was is far from the person he turns out to be and he is very close to my ideal man. Which is a very surreal thought and while I realize the chances it might develop into a real relationship are slim the possibility intrigues me.
We haven't seen each other in person in nearly four years. Thing is we now live across the country from one another. We tried to meet up a few months ago, but he got stuck in Atlanta. The chances we will see each other in person and see if there is something more than flirty online chatting are slim and far between. So for now I will continue to entertain the cyber attraction and if it's meant to be things will fall into place.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Free Falling

The perfect marriage is between a blind woman and a deaf man. Love in many ways is a battlefield that to often gets lost in translation. Over time love becomes a vintage wine, so rich with history and body that it can only be savored occasionally. If you don't choose correctly it's beauty will decay and the pleasure will be lost forever.
But just like any collectible, you must search thru the fakes to find a hidden jewel. Even then there are no guarantees to the value of your investment. Relationships like houses require hard work and maintenance. If left unattended their beauty will break away or be masked by its weathered environment.
Grand gestures and second chances only go so far. If the foundation is cracked, it doesn't matter how hard you try to repair the damage it can never be the same. At what point do you throw in the towel and call it a loss? Maybe it's too late to repair the damage, but if you don't give it a real shot then you will always wonder what if?
How did we get to this point? How did we manage to detour so far off course is the bigger question? If you don't understand what happened then how can you ever get back on course? Life experiences change us and the daily routines that become our normal habits sometimes make it harder to think beyond the moment, our responsibilities, our job, and our bills to really ask ourselves what makes ME happy. Sometimes it's little things like getting a pedicure or buying a new pair of shoes or maybe it's something larger like owning a house or taking a vacation somewhere exotic.
It might seem selfish, but if you forget what your needs and desires are the house of cards will come crashing down shortly. Everyone is capable of faking a reality. Most people do it every day. We buy houses and cars we can't afford, we go into debt to be seen in the newest designer outfit and then some people live double lives.
When you hear about the scandalous stories of affairs one has to wonder is it really possible that the devoted spouse was so naive that they never knew anything. From experience I can only say that the affair, the lies are a symptom of someone losing control of their life, of their dreams. What ultimately brings someone to cheat isn't so much the result of a break in their current relationship, although this usually has something to do with the situation they create. All to often, the cheating is more a symptom of a thrill seeker.
Whether or not any one will admit it the relationship was broken long before the affair began, but it's unfortunate that instead of communicating and discussing the problems and emotion separation one chooses to get it on with another person. Once the trust is broken it's nearly impossible to repair the damage.
We both lost that day and there will never be a winner. To this day, how something that was once so good could have ended so poorly is still a mystery to me. I believe falling out of love is like parachuting. It's terrifying at first, then exhilarating and you don't want the high to end and then you crash and after you brush yourself off and stand up the world appears fresh and new. Even though you know you might get hurt you still jump and hope for the best because if you never hit bottom then you aren't really alive.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Puzzling Life

By now you all are familiar with the man I so lovingly refer to these days as Jackass Sewer Rat (JSR). I met him when I was in my freshman year of college, which was ten years ago. Up until last year he had always been a presence in my life, although for the most part our relationship was long distance. We never had a proper label; I suppose some people might consider our relationship more a friends with benefits. But, the line between friend and girlfriend was crossed too many times for it to simply be a booty call. I suppose I thought of him more as a boyfriend, even though I didn't really consider myself his girlfriend. Given this miscommunication, label less status and the fact we lived in different states what we really were was somewhere in the gray zone and that neither of us questioned.
After I graduated from college I took a job in Boston. It was there that I met my future ex-husband, John. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I was definitely smitten with him. He was thirteen years my senior, but didn't look a day over thirty. Slim, tall, muscular, shaved head and completely insane. Major attention deficit disorder and I fell in love with his spontaneous personality and zest for life.
Perhaps a part of me knew back then that we weren't meant for happily ever after. While we were dating I was still talking to JSR, but it wasn't until the day I mentioned that I was meeting John's parents that JSR showed signs of jealous. I've never known what JSR's feelings were for me. Perhaps the inability to express emotions spoke volumes. Perhaps I never meant anything to him and perhaps the person I thought I knew never really existed. Or maybe I'm the only person to have witnessed his bi polar personalities.
We stayed in touch even after I got engaged. But, our friendship faded awhile back and we lost touch. But, I knew I could always find him if I needed someone to talk to. We briefly reconnected a few years back, but it was short lived. Who we once were and who we had become were two very different people. It was never discussed then, but I think we both knew the best was behind us. That was until the day last April that he found me again. I knew he was married now with kids and even though I too was married a part of me felt betrayed. He had always been so vocal about not wanting any strings and now he had an excess amount of baggage.
Funny thing was even though we hadn't talked in years our conversations almost effortlessly returned to normal. As if we were back in the college dorm room and while our chats now revolved around the kids, politics and work I once again longed for our nightly chats.
But, there was a small part of me that questioned his motives. Why would someone out of the blue reconnect with a former lover especially when they supposedly met their match? But, I knew that if I didn't let him back into my life I would forever wonder why? I knew that it would never be what it once was, but I preferred any form of communication then none at all.
Had I known what would happen next I'm not sure I would have changed a thing. In many ways I want to thank him, because now I truly see him for who is really is and I now know that I will never ever allow such a douche bag back into my life.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Faking Reality and Confronting the Ghost

The most difficult thing is when the person you loved so much hurt you so bad, but didn't even notice your tears.
What a small world. Of all the people in all the places what are the chances? I guess it's the universes way of saying it isn’t over yet. Are we bound to run into our ghosts or in this case our friends ghosts until we get closure from the situation?
What began as a rather serendipitous day has ended with me questioning everything I thought I knew. What is the truth and what is a lie? How can someone portray themselves as a loving husband and devoted family man one minute and then do a complete 360 and become this polar opposite guy who not only is cold and calculating, but shows zero respect for a woman. What is the truth? It doesn't make any sense. I was fooled, as presumably is everyone else around him.
I am so angry. I never thought I would say this, but Michelle's jackass sewer rat is a much bigger douche than Andy. At least Andy's personality never changed. But, this one, I don't get it he seemed so normal. But, then it's usually the "normal ones" that turn out to be the biggest fakes.
As I learned today, thanks to the power of the Internet and social networking sites it's nearly impossible to completely vanish. Coincidence or random twist of fate? I suppose it's true, if you change just one thing in your day, everything you thought you knew can change in the blink of an eye. You think you know someone and then it turns out that aren't at all who they seem to be.
I don't think time ever really heals emotional wounds. How do you trust anyone again when the person you thought you knew so well turned out to be the ultimate fake?
It's truly amazing how one person's actions can cause a domino effect on the lives of others. Yet, the ghost just walks away and goes on with his life as if nothing happened.
Given his past history, when put in a corner and confronted he typically never responds. All talk and no game. The question is what do I do with this information. Do I confront the ghost or let it go and walk away?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Drinking, Ex Bashing and Ghost Hunting

In the company of strangers, partnered with cocktails and new surroundings one tends to relax and unwind. I have had three significant brief encounters. Only met once and yet I will always remember them. In the course of a few hours I have spilled my guts to these strangers and like wise they have to me. Blame it on the alcohol, but I find it incredibly refreshing to tell my life story and not fear the embarrassment.
Last week, I met a man named Edward. I noticed him immediately at the end of the bar. I had already started a conversation with an Italian man seated next to me, but he wasn't really my type. The whole time we are talking I continue to notice Edward. He was at this point talking to another woman. The funny thing is the whole time I'm talking to the Italian (I never got his name) all I'm thinking is who is this guy in the business suit. I notice Edward gradually start moving closer to me and then the Italian stepped out for a smoke and when I turn around Edward is right next to me.
I was three drinks in, my drink of choice currently is pineapple vodka mixed with pineapple juice. I learn that he is in town on business and then he is a real estate investor. He lives in San Diego and is thirty-seven. He was smooth, complimenting me on my necklace, buying me drinks, trying to impress me with his flashy watch and upcoming business purchases. Who knows if any of it was the truth. I wasn't looking to meet my soul mate, just company.
I can't remember how we got on the topic of exes and love, but once the floodgates were open we couldn't stop talking. There was of course the discussion of the JSR and after I described the whole situation to him he says to me "You know it's not over. He will be back one day and when that day comes you tell him " I've found someone to fuck me better than you." To which I immediately burst out laughing. I wish I had come up with that line.
The next few hours flew by and before I knew it the bar was closing. By this point it was already two am and I had to be up at six. We chatted a bit more and exchanged numbers, but I don't expect much of anything to come from it. It was merely a random twist of fate. A man I will remember forever because for the first time in months I laughed and was able to let go of the pain. I thank him for making me realize life really isn't that bad when you are able to laugh at it.

Truth and Lies

So I guess it's becoming a bit confusing now that there are two of us writing. I would like to clarify our stories so it's clear as to who is writing and what in particular it's about. Moving forward we will both initial our blogs to help.
Yesterday's posts were written by Michelle (I'm starting to feel funny referring to her by this name, but for now she would prefer to remain anonymous). The man she is writing about was once a boyfriend of sorts, but long after the romance ended they remained close friends that was until the letter. (Read Poltergeist and Ghosts from the Past).
In my situation I was in a relationship with a man for over a decade and I came to find out that he was cheating on me and that not only did he knock up the other woman, but he decided he would marry her too. I just hope it ends as well as Mel Gibson's affair.
Pain makes us stronger. Fear makes us braver. Heartbreak makes us wiser.


Sometimes the smallest choices in life turn out to be the defining moments in our lives. How an innocent chat with a mysterious stranger late one night would forever change my life to this day fascinates me. If it weren't for a random twist of fate we never would have met. It was far from a traditional courtship. We were insomniac acquaintances who over the course of a year became great friends. I can't remember how it came about that our friendship eventually evolved into an intimate relationship. But, over the course of the next six years we developed a relationship. In many ways he was the male version of me and I enjoyed our nightly chats. Overtime I became accustomed to our nightly chats and morning wake up calls. Perhaps it never was anything more than puppy lust, but I would like to think there was a bigger reason why our paths were meant to cross in the first place. Maybe me writing about him, about us, was ultimately the end result of a puzzling friendship. The pain will never go away. But, in time our past will become nothing more than a figment of my imagination. (At least I hope so)
There will always be certain people in our lives who regardless of our new surroundings or relationships will make us feel like the insecure teenagers we once were. Seeing him again brought me back to my youth. To a time when life was simpler and there were far less responsibilities.
I never expected to fall in love with him. Nor did I ever expect to be betrayed by him. But, nothing in life is guaranteed. We had ended many years before, but it had never been final. In many ways we were better as friends then lovers. I wonder if we had never had sex would he have written me out of his life. But, I suppose I was naive to think that his wife would be comfortable with us remaining friends. Perhaps it's fitting that we ended the same way we began.
That day and the months leading up to then will forever be tattooed in my mind. What hurt me more than anything was the way he chose to end our friendship. It was a cowardly and cold ending to a friendship that was once so happy.
It took a few days for the shock of his letter to completely hit me. I was calm at first and then over the next few weeks my feelings turned to pain and sadness. I doubt I will ever be able to forget that day or the months that followed. I hate him now. I hate myself for being scammed by him. I am not a teenager anymore so how did I get sucked into his mind games again?

The letter:

"I'm sorry I had to drop my conversation last night but I found myself in a situation that was less than pleasant. (The conversation was: Hi How are you? Good, you. It was nice to see you (the wife was there too) Thanks you too. Bye) I am now stuck with the fact that my wife and I are not on good terms. I don't think this is your fault, but rather mine. I have tried to maintain a friendship and it is hurting my family experience.
This isn't easy, but I am going to ask that you to understand that I must follow my family as priority. This means I must make my wife feel at ease and let go of all of our contact. This is not by her request, but rather mine, as I want to make her feel at ease again. I ask for the sake of harmony that this be our last communication. I will be removing all contact info and I ask that you do the same. I know you will under
stand and thank you. I'm sorry this is what life is. May your family be both blessed and safe. "
Jackass Sewer Rat (my editing)

The scary part is I have memorized this letter and even now it still pisses me off. Back-story to this letter is blog post "Ghosts from the Past." I received this letter a few days after meeting him, his wife and the new baby. A meeting that he arranged and at the time I was married too. I emailed him a few times after receiving the letter asking what happened and for closure, but I never received a response and was shortly thereafter defriended on facebook too. How rude!
I don't think it's too much to ask for a proper answer. It's beyond rude and so cowardly to cut someone out of your life when they didn't even do anything. I've known you longer than you've known your wife and with the click of a button I'm disposable. I would post what I wrote to him, but it's not pretty and most of it I regret saying.
I will say I feel a bit better putting this out there.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Was it Love or Lust?

I stopped pretending we ever were something the day I moved back up north. I gave him a chance then to give 'us' a real shot. But, he didn't think it was the right time or maybe he wasn't that into me. He left me a note that day. I wish I still had it. It wasn't a love letter yet for someone who had never been one for words it was a sweet gesture. But, it was too little, too late.
To this day I still regret moving back north for I will forever wonder what if. I never thought that one day we would be strangers again. He had been one of my closest friends for so long. A part of me had hoped someday I would be the one, but I think we fucked it up a long time ago. Maybe all we ever were meant to be was a short-lived affair.
He puts on this tough guy exterior to the world and I feel lucky enough to have known the softer side. Who we were to this day is an unsolved mystery and perhaps the intrigue and desire that once thrilled me is now what will forever haunt me. I may never know how in fifteen minutes a ten-year friendship was broken or what his feelings were for me. I let all the years we spent together slip by and I never questioned what we were and I never ever thought one day we would die. I think back now to the very beginning, when life was simple and we were infatuated with one another. I was in love with him although it never dawned on me at the time that I was. He was my first love and I suppose you never really forget your first love, but it was more than that. To this day, I compare every man I date up against him and no one has matched the spark I once had with him.
The man he is today is not the man I once knew. I feel betrayed. It's a brutal feeling to realize that a person you once cared for and whom had been a part of your life for so long could so easily dispose of you. One that makes it nearly impossible to trust anyone again.
I am num to love now. I imagine what I would say if I saw him now and my mind goes blank. What we were has been destroyed beyond repair. A large portion of my life has been erased. A part of me wants to blindside him as he did me, but I know it won't change anything. I fear the ultimate rejection, the walk by without an acknowledgement, as if we truly are strangers. Silence can be more painful than words. Yet, I will continue to chase the ghost and face my fears.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Waiting To Exhale

"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I've accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."
I'm in a very dark place these days. I'm a broken record I know and I don't have any funny dating stories either. Geezs I suck. One must confront their fears in order to move on. But, getting to my happy place, so to speak, is way harder then I expected. I've become increasingly short with people and always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm stressed over little things and have become quick tempered.
Whether this is a result of me talking about the past, I'm not completely sure. I'm in a city where I know a handful of people, but then again I'm rarely ever here. The people I work with for the most part are what I would call phonies and while I enjoy the club scene, I'm not twenty one anymore and as much as I would like to be I'm not a size zero either.
I'll go out occasionally for a drink by myself, but I'm not looking for company and definitely not with the divorced over weight business men (sorry guys) or the young executive who maybe handsome and while I truly appreciate you buying me a drink or two and flashing your expensive watch I'm not impressed and it isn’t going to get you laid. Sorry. I'm not that type of girl. I checked one night stands off my bucket list many years ago.
There is a silver lining to this rant and I couldn't tell you when exactly it happened or even why, but the more I bitch about men or more particularly the Big Bad Wolf, the more I realize what a douche bag he is and while I would like to one day confront him I no longer fear the awkwardness, but rather am excited for that day to happen. Over the last few weeks I have come to realize that I'm the winner and it doesn't matter if there isn't a trophy. While I never expected to have a blog or be living where I am, in an odd twist of fate I have the Big Bad Wolf to thank for my life now. Whether our paths will ever cross again is questionable, but I have a feeling he won't forget me even if he tries really hard. I truly believe that karma comes around and if you've done wrong you will either be given a change to make good on a past mistake or you will forever be haunted by your wrongs.
In a scene similar to that from Waiting to Exhale (minus lighting a car on fire) I finally got the strength to throw out all the remains of our existence. The keepsakes like the lingerie, jewelry, business cards, little notes, everything was destroyed in the course of minutes and even though I doubt he will be trying to email me in the near future I have now blocked his email accounts in case and created a new email account as well.
Maybe I needed to hit emotional rock bottom to finally realize I had been wasting all this time thinking about a man who I don't want, which I never really wanted but for some reason I become so transfixed with who he was and what he wanted to be that I lost myself along the way.
"Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right." - Jerry Garcia.
Dating adventures tomorrow or later tonight. I've met a few interesting men recently and as much as I was hoping the bartender would turn into something I don't think it will. Maybe he was my Yankee and if so at least I didn't make a total fool of myself. It's a shame though I really liked the drinks at that bar. Another lesson learned, don't date someone who works somewhere you would like to go back to.
And the hunt for prince charming continues. This could take a while.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Mind of a Married Man

Can married men survive in modern times? There are more challenges, responsibilities, obligations and temptations these days. It seems like it's getting harder and harder for men and even some women to stay faithful. So what exactly is going on inside the mind of a married man? Why should we even try if the odds are against us?
I find the mind of a married man far more fascinating than a single man's. The short-lived HBO series gave us a glimpse of what married men are really thinking. You start to feel bad for these men, like they were blindsided into thinking that married life was the golden ticket when in fact it seems more like you signed a contract to have a second mother or annoying sister rather than a lifetime of hallmark memories and unlimited sex.
I often wonder how a man decides on "the one". You try various flavors throughout the years and you narrow down your preferences to a particular type, but then from there how do you know, really know this is the cream of the crop. That this is the only person that I want to sleep with until the day I die, regardless of how much weight they may gain or how annoying and petty they may become overtime.
By putting a ring on and saying vows it seems more like you are giving up life, as you once knew it. As we age, our priorities do change and having children and creating a family legacy move to the front of the line, but who we are as individuals doesn't change. Yet, it often seems that we sacrifice or compromise who we are and what we enjoy for the sake of others. Which I suppose is noble, but once you start to lose yourself the house of cards will soon follow.
I watched the movie The Way We Were for the first time a few months ago and afterwards I wondered was it really that simple? Do all women fall in one of two categories, the free spirited, and loud-mouthed Katie’s and the prim and proper JCREW models? Much like that of Carrie and Natasha in Sex and the City. The Natasha’s of the world are the safe choice; you know what to expect so as an investment it seems like a logical and smart choice. On the other hand Carrie is a wild card and while you may have more fun with her, as a lifetime investment she is far more risky.
Hubbell and Katie never get the fairytale ending, but you know they still love one another and always will. It's unfortunate that the differences that once brought them together ultimately drove them apart. Maybe some men don't want to have to work at a relationship even if the end result is well worth the effort. Knowing this however makes it easier to weed your way thru the pencil pushers and the daredevils.
Perhaps, Carrie said it best, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with." Sometimes you find out you are the lucky one. Remember Big and Natasha ultimately get divorced.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Thanks for the Memories

Life can end so quickly. Everything one does, everything one plans or dreams of can be gone in an instant. So what is life about?
In the end everything we have done and accomplished is meaning less. Material possessions are nice ego boosters and money can buy you the Rolls Royce of health care, but in the end it doesn't matter if you are Bill Gates or a homeless person we are all going to die one day. So if we understand that we are mortal and that tomorrow is not a guarantee why do we push the ones we love out of our lives?
Last month my aunt passed away of lung cancer. She had walked into the hospital twelve days prior because she was having problems breathing. She was unaware that she was sick at all. I have watched all my grandparents, aunts and uncles die from lung cancer as well. Which perhaps is the reason why I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. Her two daughters who are eighteen and twenty seven years old and my mother survived her.
The reason I mention my aunt is because my mother and her had a falling out a few years back and prior to her entering the hospital they were barely speaking. The last time they saw each other in person was four years prior. The last time I saw her was eight years before when my grandmother was dying of the same disease.
It was discovered shortly after entering the hospital that the cancer was already in the final stage and had spread to her brain. The next week my mother and I flew to Arizona. By this point she had already been transferred to hospice, which is essentially the Roche motel.
In many ways I would have preferred not to have seen her then. The person I remember wasn't the person lying in that bed. We missed seeing her awake by hours. We sat in the room with her that day, but by then she was in a coma and she never woke up. She didn't want any heroic measures taken to prolong her life. At four am the next morning she passed away. She was fifty-three.
Sometimes the answer we know is the one we can't bare to admit. We often take life for guaranteed. We assume that the people we love will be around forever. We stop talking to family members over petty arguments. Yet it's once they are gone that we realize how stupid we were and wish we had made peace with the past. But, there is no time machine. Our actions today can change for the better or hinder forever the future.
In regards to romantic relationships, it seems that we fight more with the people who aren't right for us, we want those who are spoken for and the ones who show interest in us we wonder what's wrong with them. Who our family is and what our family values are unfortunately often times come into question in regards to whom we should date or marry. Often we choose our partners to annoy our families. While other times we marry a person because they will be a good asset to the family legacy. But, when you find "the one" it shouldn't matter what religion they believe in, what their income is or how crazy their family is.

Betrayal and Sublime Pleasure

The sad reality is that once trust has been damaged it can never simply go back to the way it once was. People who do not value trust enough to respect it in the first place more often than not continue that pattern in the future. Seeing people for who they really are rather than through rose-colored lenses can be a healthy journey.
I find myself in unfamiliar territory these days. I joined Facebook to see what all the hype was about. But, I'm starting to think it's not right for me. People defriend you without an explanation, people you don't know friend you and ghosts have a way of finding you. I am fascinated by the idea that you can reconnect with long lost friends and family and for that purpose alone I think it is a novel concept. But, do I really need to see your Mafia Wars, YoVille, Farmville or other cyber game status? In many ways it's like reliving high school everyday and I didn't particular like my adolescent years. If someone has more friends than you, you become jealous. If someone has fewer friends than you, you feel bad for them. If someone doesn't respond to your email or accept your invitation you wonder what you did wrong. As well as the pressure to come up with a witty yet sophisticated status update and a good headshot.
Writing while incredibly rewarding and calming I'm coming to realize is also forcing me to relive and rethink every detail of the life I once knew. While I know it's a step in the right direction I feel incredibly vulnerable. With each blog post I am letting go of my past and while I am so proud of myself for doing this I am also letting strangers in on my dark thoughts which is a concept I'm still trying to get use to.
The point of this blog is to document a year in our lives by maintaining an open diary time capsule. Michelle and I will be alternating post days. At the same time we will be working on writing a book that is loosely based on our failed relationships and dating adventures.
"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy."
Randomly came across this quote the other day and it's so true.
Happy Monday everyone.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Ghosts from the Past

Every since I can remember Michelle talked about her love for the sunshine state. She was obsessed with palm trees, the warm weather, the beaches, even though she grew up in New York.
Briefly in her early twenties she moved to Palm Beach. Due to circumstances beyond her control she moved back north a year later. She always talked about returning to Florida one day and last summer had started looking at condos.
Ironically, around the same time Andy and I were breaking up, she had an unfortunate and puzzling ending to an old friendship/former flame occur. I never knew JSR’s name, but throughout the years I remember her talking about him. She would visit him for long weekends and even though they had a long distance relationship they would talk every night.
Occasionally they would lose touch, but always find one another again. What they were exactly I'm not sure and I'm not sure Michelle knew either. But, after one night of poor judgment and drinking they stopped talking. This was four years ago.
That was until one day last spring when she received an email from him that simply said, "Hope your well." She knew that he was now married with two kids. She didn't think any harm could come from chatting online with an old friend and she was also curious as to why he had reconnected with her now.
Over the next several months, they casually talked online. While the conversations now were strictly PG, she found herself once again enjoying their talks. As usual she continued to visit Florida every couple months. There were multiple failed attempts to meet for drinks. In hindsight perhaps they were warning signs. During a brief visit last fall they finally did meet. He had wanted to introduce her to his new wife and their child. Slightly odd in an Alanis Morissette way, but still she decided she wanted to see him, the new family. She no longer was in love with him and was truly happy for him and his new life. She had even sent baby gifts to them. They met at a cafe and all seemed well. While the conversation was slightly odd. More ideal chitchat about topics that she and him rarely discussed she was glad they had met even if it was for only fifteen minutes.
What happened a few days later, I doubt anyone saw coming. She never did find out why he wanted to meet that day or why he had contacted her in the first place, but three days later she got an email from him that said, "We can no longer be friends. I'm sorry. Have a great life."
She apparently had been naive to think that the past could be forgotten and that being friends in the present was possible.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Sliding Doors & Second Chances

I would have been the first in my circle of friends to get married. I was engaged when I was twenty-two and then again when I was twenty-four, to the same man. The first time round we had a date set, I bought a dress and shortly after sending out the save the date cards I cancelled the wedding. There were so many things wrong with that relationship, yet the idea of a picture perfect life and how suddenly everyone around you is your best friend is surreal and flattering. But, it wasn't me and I knew it. When we were looking at rehearsal dinner locations, I remember the coordinator saying, "This is a day you must have been dreaming about since you were a little girl." To wish I replied with my poker face, "Why yes it is. I'm so excited." When in fact I had actually never thought my wedding day. I forced myself to look thru bridal magazines, try on dozens of dresses and yet I couldn't get into the spirit. I should mention that when I was growing up I never, I repeat never had a Barbie doll. I preferred Hot Rods, GI Joes and Transformers. I also hate the color pink.
The dress is still hanging in my closet and I still love it, but it's cursed in a way. Yet I will never sell it. I joke that I should trim the bottom and wear it as a cocktail dress. It is a simple, classic yet sexy dress. V-neck, form fitted silk with vintage lace detail on the chest and straps with an open back.
We broke up shortly after I cancelled the wedding and then randomly saw each other on the street a year later and thought we should give it another shot. A year later we broke up again. Second chances aren't always a good idea. There is a reason why they are an ex.
By my mid twenties it seemed like every weekend I was going to a wedding. Unlike most women thou, I wasn't chasing the bouquet or wondering when it would be my turn to walk down the aisle. I had perfected the poker face and learned that in order to fit in with the other women, I needed to be polite, giddy, social and often wear the color pink. I would say that ninety five percent of those weddings have since ended in divorce. It was a nice shot at the dream. That is if that's your goal in life and for some it is and sometimes I wish it was my objective because at least then maybe I could have remained friends with some of my married male friends. You basically are signing a lease on this person and assuming all goes well you just found yourself someone to grow old with and raise children with and as a bonus you have a larger income. But, just like animals in the wild, you become incredibly protective over your investment and anyone who is single and friends with your spouse is a liability. How sad to think that as a grown adult we are just as jealous and insecure as we were when we were in middle school.
If we live our lives in hopes of living the dream, why do we so often give up the dream and settle for our current reality. Do we fear the unknown? Should we give up our rock star dreams and accept the comfort of knowing what's next or should we embrace each day as a blank canvas?

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Israeli Bartender

I realize that I've been talking all this time about my past and not about my present. While I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath of heartbreak I have begun to move on. I'll admit for the first couple months post breakup I was a basket case. I literally watched Sex and The City from Season one to the movie about ten times.
Going thru the holiday season was especially hard, but surprisingly easier to cope with then I had expected. This perhaps might have something to do with the endless supply of champagne at holiday parties. While food is a comfort to many in times of pain, I prefer to shop. I find shopping to be the most relaxing experience and of course the fabulous new clothes help distract you from thinking about the evil wrath of a man you once knew.
I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. It's so fake and beyond cheesy. You shouldn't feel forced to buy your partner something just because society pushes this "holiday" on you. When in fact it's merely a day for florists, Hallmark and chocolatiers to make more money.
I once read a card that said, "What do you get the person you love when everyday is Valentine's Day?" How sweet yet completely phony, unless of course you are still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. If it were true then Oprah and Dr.Phil would be out of jobs don't you think. Their whole careers are primarily based on the fact that marriages aren’t a picnic and everyday are not Valentine's Day.
So now, ten months post breakup, I am in a place where for the most part I have moved on. I go about my daily routines and no longer constantly think about him, but still there are moments, almost everyday when I randomly think of him. Sometimes it's because I hear a song on the radio or I see a car that looks like his and even though I know it can't be his I still double check the license plate.
In recent months, I have been forcing myself to play dress up and go out and socialize. On a whim one night last month I decided to go out alone and randomly found myself sitting at the bar of a trendy restaurant on Collins. Now, I should point out that when I go out I dress age appropriate. Meaning, I know better then to wear silver stripper heels even if they are Jimmy Choo. I'm obsessed with clothing, yet regardless of what is trendy this season, I prefer classic pieces that I then dress up with vintage jewelry. So on this particular night, I had spent about an hour trying on nearly everything in my closet. I finally decide on this emerald green strapless mini dress and nude colored 4" peep toe Dior heels and as I double check myself in the mirror I decide I hate this outfit too. So back to the closet I go. At this point I'm about to just put my pajamas back on and order Chinese. Instead I throw on an outfit that I typically wear when I'm flying which is definitely not frumpy yet not a "look at me" outfit either. Comfy high wasted black leggings, a loose fitted black T-shirt, black ankle high combat boots, bright red lipstick and a pair of gold hoop earrings that are covered in white pearls. The last thing on my mind was meeting a man. Of course that usually is when you do meet someone.
I wasn't too hungry so I decide to sit at the bar. It's a Monday night so the bar isn't too crowded and I strike up a conversation with the bartender. He had slightly spiked short brown hair, muscular build, super nice and totally out of my league on any other night. I don't know what prompted me to be so bold, perhaps a few too many cocktails. But, just as I'm about to leave I decide to give the bartender my phone number. We have since been on a few dates. I wonder if he is my Yankee and if so I sure hope it doesn't end with me crying and eating cold fries in the diner at two am.
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Flashy Cars and Small Balls

I had been walking around this whole time thinking I was "the one" when in fact I was so far from it. I wonder if the joke was on me. Had everyone around me know all along that it wouldn't last?
To the outside world, he was successful, though not rich, he had money in the bank, and he had lots of friends and was close to his family. Yet, there was this dark side to him. Was I the only person to witness the alternate persona?
In retrospect thou, all his goals for life, at least the ones he told me will now most likely never happen. Every word that came out of his mouth had been a lie. He was faking a reality that was within reach, yet so far away. His goals impressed me and maybe that was the point. I could never have been "the one" as I am not a person who depends on someone else. I'm not embarrassed to eat out alone and I prefer vacationing alone. But, then again two workaholics raised me so I learned to be independent at an early age.
In the end, what I came to discover was that he wasn't a tough guy after all. The flashy car, the metro sexual outfits, it was all an act. Merely covering up the fact that he wasn't this confident man everyone thought he was. But, by displaying this image of wealth and success, he was in a way untouchable. He would be in control and never get hurt by people. He needed someone to depend on him, to think of him as prince charming, to cherish every word he said, to change their last name.
I like dead end signs. They at least have the decency to tell you you're going nowhere. Cowardly men with flashy cars and small balls are sewer rats.

Good thing karma is a bitch.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Thrill of the Masochist

There is an intrigue to rooting for the underdog and while over time surroundings change, statuses get updated who we are never changes. Yet we still fall harder for the bad guy than the average Joe. Perhaps this is all a result of growing up and wanting what we couldn't have. When we see a person with a fancier car or a designer handbag, we want these material objects as they are considered symbols of success. Yet once we obtain the object of our desire our interest fades. But, we continue to chase the rush, the bad guy, perhaps because we thrive off the drama or the pain of wanting something or someone so unobtainable.
I wonder now if I ever was in love with JSR or was I in love with the mystery, the seductiveness of our relationship. In many ways, I was naive to think we ever were something. Which I realize may seem odd given how long we were together. I should however point out that our relationship had never been by the books. I never asked for a label to define us, as I didn't think I needed one to justify our relationship. Yet I did assume certain things about us, about him.
In hindsight, thou there had been red flags. Yet at the time I was to involved in the present to think about the future. Knowing now how we would end still haunts me and while I will always wonder what happened I am not jealous of his new life. It never was a life I wanted or one that I thought he wanted either. But, what I have not been able to fully get past is the brutally cold and cowardly way he chose to end us. It's a chilly thought to think that the man you thought you knew so well, whom you basically grew up with could with no emotion and the simple click of a button cut a person out of their live forever. I suppose the person I knew, the person I had come to regard as my best friend, in reality never existed. He died that day, as did a part of me.
MV aka Michelle

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Reality of Bad Romance

Initially I thought that by writing about my heartache and sharing it with others I would finally get the peace I have been unable to find on my own. Unfortunately it's more like I have opened up the wound and am now reliving the past everyday. I know I'm not the only one dealing with the aftermath of lost love. I must continue to deal with the pain and even though it's incredibly painful I will continue to put myself out there in the world. I feel so lucky to have such great friends and without them I'm not sure I could have gotten this far.
Dealing with the death of a loved one takes time and while no one literally died in this situation, in many ways we both did. I don't mean this to sound as dark as it appears, but you have to understand that in order for me to truly move past the memories I must think of him as died.
Why I still have such intense feelings for someone who is so evil continues to puzzle me. Some days I want to punch him, other days I just want to chat like old times. I hate the fact that I will never ever be able to completely forget about him.
The reality of the break up truly hit me the day I went to see a therapist. I should point out that I had never been to one until that day. But after five months of analyzing and replaying the last month, all the years we were together and ultimately the moment that would change the course of my life, I had gotten no where.
Sitting in the waiting room, flipping thru a two month old People magazine I thought to myself, this is so bizarre and so far from how I ever pictured it ending. It's one thing when you break up with someone and you talk it out and part ways as friends. Months later when you see each other in your new lives, you aren't bitter, if anything you are truly happy for them. In this case, there was no conversation. I thought we were living a happily ever after life until I was blindsided and left wondering where it went wrong.
The upside of bad romance is that you become great friends with bartenders, loss weight and have fabulous new clothes.
SP :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Home Sweet Hell

When I left last year I really wasn't sure I would ever be able to return. A rather silly thought I suppose and yet the fear of seeing the man that crushed my heart terrified me more than death itself.
I fell in love with Andy (aka the Big Bad Wolf that is now my ex) when I was a junior abroad in college. We married four years later in an over the top fairytale wedding with five hundred guests. It was the picture perfect wedding that all girls’ hope for and then last fall, the Cinderella dream came tumbling down.
The affair, which subconsciously I was well aware of and yet was unable to wrap my mind around until it was blatantly obvious and lying in my bed was, confirmed when I came home early from a business trip to discover Andy and his secretary buck naked. What happened next is just as dramatic as you might expect. Without going into all the slightly hilarious yet incredibly painful details, I will say that there was a moment of shock and horror on their faces and then a mad rush to cover up and escape without a full on chick fight.
Who we love isn’t logical and how we react after the initial shock of being blindsided is just as odd. Common sense and all the fancy diplomas don’t mean anything when you get your heart stomped on. After the reality of the affair and ultimately the divorce began to settle in I did what any super smart woman would do. I quit my cushy job (that I worked years to get), packed two suitcases and immediately left town. Every second I was there, in our apartment felt like I was living in my own personal hell. Andy had arranged for a moving truck to come in and take his possessions, because he didn’t have the balls or desire to see me in person. I couldn’t bear to watch his furniture being moved out or dealing with boxing his clothes and small wares.
To add insult to injury I heard thru the grape vine that he and the secretary got married a few weeks after the divorce was finalized and that the new wife is now pregnant. Yes, I am still dealing with this fact.
Coincidently around this traumatic time my BFF Michelle, (a hugely successful business woman) was going thru a rough patch with her husband, John, which would later result in a divorce. If her personal life couldn't get any worse JSR, her Jackass Sewer Rat former flame hit her with a bombshell.
And so a plan much like that of Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz in The Holiday was schemed up, except we aren’t on a temporary vacation, this is our new reality. Michelle moved into my apartment in Los Angeles and I moved into her waterfront condo in Miami Beach. I haven’t met Jack Black yet and Michelle is still working on finding Jude Law, but we aren’t complaining.

Monday, April 5, 2010

'Til Death Do Us Not

My first blog posting!

When I was growing up I believed in happily ever after and prince charming. The picture perfect life. But, then I grew up and realized that this dream seldom comes true. Don't get me wrong I'm a romantic at heart. I enjoy a sappy chick flick every now and then and I believe in love. But, most relationships aren't meant for ‘til death do us part. Those that do last the test of time are the exception and their stories are what continue to inspire little girls everywhere.
My name is Summer Peterson and once upon a time I dreamt the impossible dream and for a short time I even lived it. These days I'm more a realist then a hopeful romantic. The truth can be brutal. Love bites and prince charming is about as realistic as Santa Clause.
So now at the age of thirty-five I find myself a singleton in a world of couples and yet in many ways I feel like the lucky one. While I know of many happily married couples I have come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t all it's cracked up to be. Yet as a society we push marriage, a house and children as the norm. I was one of the many suckers who for a moment actually believed the illusion. That was until the day the glass slipper fell into a million pieces. Waking up from the nightmare hasn't been easy, but I have discovered writing to be the best form of therapy. The journey to new beginnings and making peace with my unfinished past is a continuous evolution and I am excited to see what awaits in the unknown.
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