Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!!!

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day”. – Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Tomorrow is a new year full of new opportunities, adventures, possible love interests, and a fresh new start. I wish only the best to all the Love bite's readers, and especially my fellow writers. I appreciate the chance you have given me to put my stories out there as well. I hope my thoughts and adventures have helped in one way or another. I have never been a writer, but putting thought on paper has been a healing experience. I remember the day I read the first blog and thought to myself "Whoa!! these chicks are angry man-haters". I then reached out and wrote a private message and felt I needed to explain what men think about. You accepted me and allowed me to give the other side. I am happy to get to know each one of you and wish only the best for you. Whether you are a man or a woman, gay or straight, we have all loved and lost. We all have are own ways with coping to our pain. I just wanted to thank you and hope everyone has an amazing New Year!
Thank you,
The Man


The world can be a very lonely place when you come to find out you are fighting the battle all alone. I don't know when it went wrong or where the line in the sand was drawn. I do know that the tidal wave came crashing down not to long ago. Out of the blue if you had been in a coma all this time. Phones left ringing as if everyone had disappeared. Hadn't we?
Why is it that only now I get the full story? I never would have entertained the idea had certain beliefs and ideas been disclosed all those years ago. There is little that can be done now. In time we will come to see that this is for the best. That it was a stupid dream thought up by a pair of formerly intelligent friends.
It's hard to believe how we got here. Ranting about people and places that have no value. Yet now the daily presence had become a ticking time bomb.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Peace Out Love

Over the course of any relationship there will be periods that test one's strength and belief at the core of what "I love you" represents. Some people wake up one day and say they never saw the avalanche coming. Others assume everyone will betray them at some point and ninety nine percent of the time this is true.
Even with age, men rarely change. Their personality and desires remain the same. Women however will always evolve with age. As they enter each new chapter in their life cycle nearly everything about who they were and who they have become changes. So it is no surprise that as the years pass a couple that once had so much in common now has very little. There must be compromise if a relationship is going to be able to last until the end. If not there is very little that can be molded back together.
To say for better or worse without a thought and then run away and make excuses for what was or never could be is what it is. There must be love, but sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes you come to realize that what you have been chasing all these years never was the right fit after all.
Peace Out Love,

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Genie In a Bottle

We will never meet again. I know this now. I look back now on what we thought we were and what silly ideas and thoughts we had about the world as it was and what we wanted to become. Without warning we were over. Dreams crushed, lies exposed, questions left unanswered. After further discussion and back tracking I'm not sure when it was great. Good yes, maybe.
Were we both to afraid to see the truth? To afraid to admit we had grown apart. To afraid to talk out our problems in a productive and welcoming environment. Instead all I recall is being told over and over how I would never amount to anything. Which was then followed up by why me?
Glad to see someone is reading the older posts from many months ago. I must admit though I hate looking back at what was previously written, because at times it's embarrassing. Not to mention that I honestly don't understand half the things I have written after the fact. But, feel free to read more of the archives. I'm sorry if the present day is to boring and drama less for your enjoyment.

Another One Bites The Dust

As I sit here today alone, I often wonder how did I get this way? I then go back in time and think of all the people I’ve dated and how I may have affected them. I am saying this because I have still not received a call or explanation of what I may have done the last time we were together. I now realize there were so many clues that I should have seen. I am usually the one to run away, but the roles are reversed. Somehow in the short period of time you brought something out in me that I usually hold reserve to. I know you are an amazing person for someone, but just not me. I did all those things that if someone were to do to me, I would tend to push away. There are times in our lives that you just feel something was either "right" or "meant to be", but now that I look back, I had blinders on. I give tons of advice to many on the "do's and don’ts of dating", but never found myself on the other end. I know I have crushed many hopes and dreams of those in my past, and truly sorry, but when you look at where you all are now, you are in a much better place. Most of you have married, had children and living a great life with someone simple. I am a very complex person and it takes someone really special to put up with my shit. Unless I choose you, I tend to tire easily. It sucks! But when I find you, you have a commitment I will never break.
I mentioned above there were "signs". Here goes a few I noticed today as I reflect on a year full of up's and downs. Often when two think alike, there has to be an authority figures...You assumed that task as I allowed it. (I liked you and thought of anything to make you happy). The passion factor was never there. In some ways it seemed like we needed to plan things. (I am a spontaneous person with a huge sex drive). No public displays of affection. (I’m not saying all over each other, but a kiss here and there shouldn't be a big deal). Changed plans (a few times on your days off, you would rather hang with "the girls" than a new romance). No scent what so ever. (Now that I think about it, I associate people with their smells) It was almost a dream! As fast as we met, we parted...No smells left behind, no gifts, cards, nothing but memories faded. A week has passed since we last were out, no calls, no texts, and no emails. I am sorry for the one who has scarred your heart and caused you to run, but I am not him!! I am usually the one to wound others, but this time it's been another lesson learned.
The Man

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Gone Baby Gone

It is easier to put the blame on one and not step back and see how different you too have become. The people we once were are lost. The people we have become are trapped in a maze. If life could go back to what it was a long, long time ago all would be well. But, it can't and it won't. The heart has been shattered and no one wants to try and put the pieces back together.
To stay in this medium is not healthy for the soul. The less that is said the more resentful and angry we become. Without cause one word or action can instantly create the next world war.
Be kind to your family. In the end they are all you've got. Be mindful of what you say and do. You may wake up one day and realize you pushed away all that once was good for the chance at ideal. When in fact there was nothing perfect about the alternative. Happy holidays y'all!! Thanks again for your support and love over the last nine months.
With Love,

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Great Debate - Part 2

The great debate was the subject of many entries in the beginning months of Love Bites. Read the month of June for the aftermath of the soap opera drama. Since then our readership has grown just a little bit (21,375 Love Bites groupies last time I checked) and what was meant to be a private message is now an international tale. Half our fans reside outside the United States. With a growing increase in India, Nepal, Canada and Australia (thanks Aussie gal). Not to mention that the tale of M, the mascot of all Jackass Sewer Rat is going to be in print (cross your fingers) for thousands more to read. All because a simple question was deemed unnecessary to answer. Clearly not so simple a question to answer, because if the truth were said life would have become complicated for M and company. I have a feeling life is going to become very interesting for Mr. and Mrs. JSR. The fun parade will be in a city near you very soon.
So just a few days before the shit storm of unproductive verbal abuse came my way back in June, I had been asking The Man the same questions I had been hoping to hear from JSR all this time. Thanks to the power of the internet and an accidental email (nothing is by accident), the voice of the infamous JSR and his wife, whom I will now refer to as Mrs. JSR, came into the Love Bites arena to speak their minds. Unfortunately, instead of ever confronting the truth and answering the one and only question "why?" they detoured off topic and bitched about nothing in particular.
From the little I could get out of Mrs. JSR she seemed to now be blaming me for the fallout. Which if you were to read the note he emailed me last year (read Poltergeist and Ghosts from the Past in the April archives) and all the facts I have to back up my story isn't possible.


1) He initiated contact.
2) He wanted to meet on multiple occasions
3) I repeatedly voiced my concerns over his flirty language and increased attention towards me (conversations about thongs and adult friend finder for starters)
4) I was the fun girl or was I more?
5) He wanted to introduce me to his wife and child (why would you want to introduce your much younger ex whatever to your much older new wife? That's a bit odd especially if the much younger ex is much more successful and just a fun girl?)
6) Let's not forget that JSR and SP were mighty friendly chatting away into the early morning hours online (apparently talking to a random person is deemed appropriate and considered quality time with the family)
and so it goes...

I have re posted the email that started the Great Debate below:

"I'm sorry I had to drop my conversation last night but I found myself in a situation that was less than pleasant. (The conversation was: Hi How are you? Good, you. It was nice to see you (the wife was there too) Thanks you too. Bye) I am now stuck with the fact that my wife and I are not on good terms. I don't think this is your fault, but rather mine. I have tried to maintain a friendship and it is hurting my family experience.
This isn't easy, but I am going to ask that you to understand that I must follow my family as priority. This means I must make my wife feel at ease and let go of all of our contact. This is not by her request, but rather mine, as I want to make her feel at ease again. I ask for the sake of harmony that this be our last communication. I will be removing all contact info and I ask that you do the same. I know you will understand and thank you. I'm sorry this is what life is. May your family be both blessed and safe. "
Jackass Sewer Rat (my editing)

Perhaps I am Pandora's box and I should have been left in the past, but thanks so much for caring guys and helping me check off another goal on my bucket list. Would you like to inspire yet another business?
Let me back up to the week prior to this note. The week in which I was introduced to JSR and company. The night before I received the note above I had initiated contact with JSR online (as he came up on my screen as online) to politely say, "It was good to see you and meet your wonderful wife and child last week." That was all. Had I known that there was now a curfew on appropriate and inappropriate hours to speak online I suppose I would have emailed him in the morning with my pleasant and courtesy message, as we had not spoken since seeing each other in person. Which again I will point out the wife was present for. It's rather odd how prior to that meeting, it was perfectly acceptable for JSR to initiate contact with me online in the late night hours, yet for some odd reason after meeting we could no longer talk at any hour. (Had I really threatened the perfect marriage in a fifteen minute conversation?)
Another odd remark made by Mrs. JSR, she mentions how it was because I was so successful that JSR thought to contact me out of the blue. Which then had me wondering, if I were an average Joe working for the man (as Mr. and Mrs. JSR are) would he not have wanted to be my friend again? In addition, Mrs. JSR makes a point of saying that they were in bed together (with a computer and facebook) when I sent him that casual note and I obviously should have been spending the same quality time with my spouse. If quality time is defined by jointly staring a computer screen while in bed I must have missed the memo. Bedrooms are for two things and neither one of those involves facebooking in bed.
After reading Mrs. JSR's off the wall comments I reread the original email that started all this unnecessary drama and well now the letter really does speak volumes. Yet, Mrs. JSR either never saw the original email or is afraid of the truth right in front of her. For now let's assume that what JSR wrote in the note is from the heart and truthful. Let me get out the good old thesaurus and translate a few key phrases.

I must make my wife feel at ease again = MY WIFE IS JEALOUS and I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH NOW

I'm sorry = I'M A DOUCHE BAG

I found myself in an unpleasant situation = MY WIFE IS JEALOUS and I'M A COWARD


Okay so now that I've had my laughs, back to designing the clothing line. Thanks again guys for being so gosh darn informative and caring.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Ghosts of Christmas Past

The holidays always force me to remember years past and once you start going backwards it's hard to control where your thoughts end. The majority of happy and loving moments were thrown out a long time ago or so I thought.
The ghost is still with me everyday. I am subconsciously reminded of what once was and what could have been. I have found a storage unit for the spam, but even after the door closes the flashbacks still come at times.
Nine months ago we started this blog and service announcement :) as a way to work through the unanswered and try to solve the puzzle. A number of events set into motion a domino effect that was years in the making. Others lives were forever changed as a result.
I ended 2009 discussing this same subject so why not end 2010 doing the same thing. Thankfully the tables are turned and I'm the one laughing out loud now.
Things I have learned this year; don't trust those who have hurt you in the past, be mindful of what you throw away not everything can be recycled, brand spanking new doesn't guarantee it will work and finally continue to follow your dreams regardless of what the peanut gallery says. In the end your true friends will applaud you and the haters will cling to your success pretending they never lost faith in you.
I always knew it would end as mysteriously as it began. I am thankful for both the good and bad and I accept the challenges of life without regret.
Happy holidays y'all and may 2011 be an amazing year. Next stop gotham city and flying hearts.
With Love,

Sunday, December 19, 2010


As I wrote before I don't want to put my relationship out there, but I feel I need to vent a little. Things have been amazing. I have had a constant smile on my face but today I am feeling that feeling I hate!
We made plans on going out and meeting up with a few of her friends. I was a little nervous but extremely happy as well. I was now "her man" and when introduced, they said, "we've heard so much about you, finally we meet". I clicked right off the bat with her friends. I am really easy to get along with, and usually I will keep you laughing all night long. Something happened after the 12 beers, 4 tequila shots, and numerous smack talking. I have a few blank spots in my memory and I am now getting no return calls. She drove me home (actually drove my car as her friends followed). She lives about 40 minutes away so this is a big deal; she really went out of her way. I am just lost!! I sit here today and can only guess I screwed it up big-time. I am aware everyone makes mistakes, but for people like us, it only takes one! Have I destroyed this dream already? I honestly don't know... And not knowing is sometimes the worst thing.
In my dreams she is mine, but in real life she may have only been a dream.
The Man

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Flash In The Pan

One day you're in, the next you're out. Maybe it was the loneliness, maybe it was my addiction to the newest trend or maybe it really was love. I may never know, but what I do know is I know nothing, but I've got blackjack.
We gamble away money in hopes of a large return, but aren't surprised when we walk away broke. Yet, when it comes to our romantic interests why does the gamble become ten times more risky? No matter how long you know a person, you never really know them. The closet addictions and pet peeves won't be disclosed until the ending. The quirks that once were funny and cute are now painfully annoying. It's too late now to find a common denominator while the seas are parting.
If you get caught up in the fantasy don't be surprised when you are rudely awaken to discover that love hardly ends with a white picket fence.
So what happens after "I love you"? A shit-dragging brawl. How many couples actually make it down the alter after those three little words and how many stay happily together until the end?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Where Has Summer Gone?

So, I feel like a complete idiot. I'm not thirteen anymore and yet it feels like I'm dealing with the same issues and stupidly thinking that all men are prince charming. By the way, who started this lie and created the classic fairytale stories? Setting up every woman to believe in a false truth.
Did I really nickname a forty something year old man McDreamy? What the hell was I thinking? Just like getting a tattoo with the name of your current love, publicly disclosing your personal life can be the curse of death for a relationship.
What is done is done. I have learned many lessons over the last months and changed my life for the better as a result. In the short period I had the privilege of knowing McDreamy (it's rather pointless to change the name now) I was able to work thru most of my problems and see the ghost for who he really was. I doubt I will ever meet someone like McDreamy again. He is everything I ever thought I wanted in a mate and yet not nearly as reliable or appealing when life got complicated.
Every person who enters our life will touch it. Some will spin you in circles until you can't see straight. Others will teach you to look at experiences in a different light. Whether or not it's a long goodbye or a flash in a pan, new friends and old enemies will always be marching behind us.
Maybe when life is less complicated McDreamy and I will try again. What I need now is not something he could give me. No amount of lavish gifts or vacations or sweet words will make me stop doing what I do best. It wouldn't matter if he moved or I did. Our lives are too busy and our baggage is still sitting unclaimed.
What hurts the most now is the silence. Wanting to tell him about my day, but then stopping myself. Don't put your heart on the market and not expect it to get stolen. I will be more reserved and mindful of people's feelings and I will not jump ahead to the last page of the book without reading the fine print.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Two Turtle Doves

This time of the year brings up many feeling for most of us. Whether it's the comfort of loved ones, missing those we no longer have or even wanting what others have. Either way it feels good to feel wanted and to share things with people close to you. As you know I have met someone who has put a smile on my face daily. I/we somewhat think alike and have both been scared off very easily in the past, so this is somewhat new to both of us. For example we spoke about the weekend spent together and we both agreed that if it were anyone else, we would have been making excuses to get rid of him or her. It's not like we have anything better to do, it's just our nature. Our personal space is very important to us and we don't like to feel suffocated. I am happy to say that things are progressing in a way that movies are made of. Now I do not want to curse this, but I have to say I have this worried feeling, I guess that's because I can't believe it's finally happening to me. You will notice my posts will be far fewer and in less detail as before, but I will try to keep things updated.
We all hope to someday find the "one" who is right for us. For most it starts with lust, and if we're lucky, ends in romance. Don't be scared to try new things, be yourself, and tell someone when they make you feel happy. It's the little things that can make all the difference in the world. If you happen to meet eyes with someone, go a little farther and say hello, you never want to regret not trying. If deep down you have feelings for someone, just let them know. There is no predetermined blueprint for life, make it yours, make it amazing! Why bitch and moan about loneliness when it's only you who can change your outcome. If you continue to think there are no good ones left, your eyes will be closed when they walk in the door.
Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.
The Man

Why Me?

I have been kidding myself. I’m not Superwoman. I thought I was but a few things of late have made me realize that I wasn’t being realistic. The stubborn, pig headed part of me believed that I was completely over the marriage ending. Don’t get me wrong I’m pretty damn sure I’m over JSR. It is not the man himself, which upsets me. It is his actions. And the effect they have had on me. (On a side note the radio is now playing that song that we danced down the aisle to. How is that for timing…) Have you ever watched a movie called P.S. I love you? Well I was warned that it would make me cry. Everybody cries in that movie. But I did not shed a tear. Only thing, which got to me, was the reminder that I was abandoned and alone. JSR abandoned me. Part of me starts to wonder why and then starts to feel that I am not worth loving. That I must be this pathetic loser which no man could like enough to want to be with me and only me. Lucky for me I have a more dominant side, which looks for the positives and gets me out of that funk pretty quickly. But it is also the part of me that is kidding myself into thinking all is fine with the world. Have I been turned into a cold-hearted bitch? Everyone cry’s in that movie. Even guys. And yet there was not a Kleenex in sight for me. Is that what he has done to me? Turned my heart into ice. I know he broke it but until now I had not realized that he might have put it in a coma. The question now is when, if ever, will it awake? What will it take? This weekend will be six months since my marriage ended. I am celebrating by doing a fantasy photo shoot. Two different looks. All done professionally. Something I would never normally do. I don’t take photos of myself. But I want to try anything and everything these days. My life is about new experiences, enjoying life and having fun now. You just never know where it will take you.
Christmas is fast approaching. I hope everyone is looking forward to celebrating the festive season with their friends and family.
Aussie Gal

Monday, December 13, 2010

Love Is....

Love is complicated. Love is sublime. Love is painful. Love is one of a kind.

There is a moment in every relationship where you hope and pray, "This is the one." That lapse in judgment will eventually fade. But, again and again you will walk the streets in search of the illusive soul mate. We want to believe the pathological liar. We want to feel financially secure. We want the honeymoon to never end.
Love is a drug that there is no medication to cure.
I do not trust love.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Crossing The Border

Writing on here is no longer relaxing. I am well aware that my written words have a lasting impression in my daily life. I've been doing a lot of thinking about life and love and I'll admit I've made mistakes and taken extreme measures at times to get my point across and make peace with the past. I am not sorry for my actions as they were justified given the circumstances. Yes, this is all very silly now to be dragging on a storyline that never was worth all the attention it has gotten.
I thought I was over the unpleasant reminders, but I'm far from free. I will return one day, as a stronger and wiser person. But, for now I will keep my distance and brace for the next curve ball. Maybe I'm afraid to let go of the person I once was for fear I will forget my youth. No amount of time will change what was said or never answered. The circle of lies and questions will keep turning. The only question now is what direction I take.

Friday, December 10, 2010


"You desired my attention but denied my affections. So now tell me where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart."

What cannot be changed should never be forgotten. Good enough is not grand enough. Average sucks. Boring and mundane are the symptoms of a slow and painful death. If there is never anything to look forward to, then what's the point in living?
Change can only happen if you make it. Fear of hurting others and making ourselves vulnerable is what will make the glass either half empty or half full. If we are incapable of handling the punches then we are cowardly losers.
Love is the greatest feeling and the most painful too. Falling in love is easy, falling out and having the courage to admit you aren't happy is the first step to recovery. Maybe one day the past and present will collide and even though we can't fix the looming unanswered questions in our heart we already know the conclusion.
In time the pain will mellow, the sparkle will disappear, the labels will be torn, but the hope of peace and forgiveness will never be forgotten.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Coldest Winter

I wish I had more to say, but my mind is blank at the moment. I imagine I'm on a beautiful beach with an open bar and a gorgeous European model, but truth be told I'm far from paradise. The bitter, cold weather has arrived and I'm not prepared.
There is little to look forward to now. No one to greet me at the door, except my dog. No voice messages or cute emails to cheer me up on a bad day. Should I be concerned that it's quite possible I will be an old maid watching others live their lives?
I know I need to get out of the rut, but there is no alternative. Yet, even without a physical change I am creating a movement. Where it stops I don't know. For now I'm just happy to have a sliver of new beginnings to hold onto.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Simon Says

Your pitch is off, your attitude is bad and yet you think you're a rockstar. One minute you say something sweet and the next you are a drunken basket case, but you don't see any of this. In the morning there is no evidence or memory of the words spoken.
I've been keeping myself busy and preoccupied with the holiday season and excuses not only to shop, but socialize. Which at least for the time being makes it easier to forget the hard choices that await in the new year.
All this time I have been chasing an ideal that isn't nearly as perfect up close. I'm emotionally drained from all the madness. What is meant to be will organically occur. My New Year's resolution is to live life without questioning what tomorrow will bring.
I will not allow a man control what I want to do. If they don't understand or disapprove of my passions then I'll walk away with no regrets. I'm sure many of you are wondering what became of McDreamy and painful ambush on Andy.
For a while all was lovely in paradise. Maybe one day it will be again, but for now the silence is bringing me back to reality. Loneliness can destroy the desire to believe there is a way out. I'm not looking to get married again, so while a romantic offer I declined. Maybe, we will meet again, but for now I just want to be happy without consequences or judgement.
Looking back at what was written about on here over the summer and what was left out of the public story there are many lines that got twisted and spun. I have learned my lesson.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Change of Status

Wow...HELL YEA.AMAZING.FINALLY!! That is how I have been feeling the past few weeks. When I last wrote, I was headed out to have dinner with "possible love interest". We arrived on time (as two who think the same often do), dressed for the occasion, and greeted each other with a kiss. I have to be honest, I would usually write about all the details with whomever I meet, but she is special to me. My private thoughts were for the entire world to see, but not this time. I have been waiting a very long time for a feeling like this. I will not do anything to ruin a possible amazing future with this special woman. I am aware one day she may find out about this blog, so I am keeping details to a minimum. We both had to work the following day so we decided to keep things simple and an early hour. It just seems time passes so quickly when we are together. There is never a dull moment or forced conversation. All seems as if it were meant to be. I know, don't get your hopes up, but when it's right, it's right. I would never enter something like this half assed so I am happy to say, but I am off the market for now! She is an amazing woman and deserves total respect.
Friday: We had another date planned and this time I was cooking dinner for her. The day was crazy, my mind racing. Had I cleaned the house well enough? Did the air fresheners smell good? Were they too strong? Did the grass look cut? And so much more. I was a madman Thursday after work preparing for her to come over. Butterflies filled my stomach as the time neared closer. I think I have done everything possible, but not too extreme... Well maybe re-mulching the yard, putting up landscape lighting, and pressure cleaning the decks were not necessary, but then again, I would do anything to make this dream a reality. As she called to let me know she was on her way I began to sweat a little and that feeling of the first day to school was ahead of me. Had I done enough? I sure hoped so. It seemed like everything was falling in place...The steaks came out perfectly, the weather just right to eat out back, and the wind was not too much to blow out the candles I had lit. Just perfect!! We shared an amazing dinner, went out for drinks, and stayed up til 9am the next morning talking. As I previously wrote in the past, when I find what I'm looking for, there is a courtship that I enjoy to do. No rushed kissed, no forced touching, and for me NO SEX! When you wait this long for perfect, no time is too long to wait. We woke up late that afternoon, had brunch and she left to take care of some things. About an hour passed and I get a call "Miss you, I should have stayed" HELL YEA!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!! This was exactly what I was waiting for. And a few hours later she returned. We spent an amazing weekend together and hopefully many more to come. I honestly hope everyone feels this amazing feeling one-day. It is well worth the wait!
The Man

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Secret Santa Blows

The holiday season is a time when families should call a truce and put aside the sibling rivalry, the failed marriage, the money stresses and just relax and enjoy that one day together with the only people in the world who will always have your back regardless of what stupid thing you might say or do.
Unfortunately in some households certain preferences are looked down upon. In particular being gay, interracial dating, still being single, getting pregnant and not being married. I am fortunate enough not to be judged for who I am and what I believe in. I certainly have surprised the folks throughout the years and I would hope made them proud at least a few times.
Even the pint size version of me was causing drama and making my presence known. (I wasn't always well received, but I sure was memorable and pretty gosh dare adorable.)
Life isn't nearly as entertaining as it once was. Dare I say it's borderline boring. I apologize in advance if the blog posts are few and far between this month. With the holidays and insane work schedules time seems to pass way to quickly.
No one can deny that our pasts have a tremendous impact on who we become and what we believe in. Pain is a powerful feeling and at times a wake up call. While it may not seem like happiness is ever possible again, there will come a day when the road once traveled has a new exit.
The holiday festivities have been a welcome distraction from the slippery road of relationships where everyday seems like it is on the edge of a deadly crash. Forgiveness is still a hard concept to deal with. I have a habit of hoarding and then clearing house without clearly thinking. We all go thru periods where for whatever reason we aren’t one hundred
percent committed to the project at hand. It is however unfair to criticize what we don’t know or care to believe in. We must learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.

Bargain Shopping

Forgiveness and starting new are my goals for 2011. While there are many questions that will remain left unanswered that is no longer why I write. As I've said in the past, the ghosts that until recently were still haunting me are finally dead. There is always a chance they will return seeking revenge against my sublime happiness, but I've got Rainbow Brite, Mr. Rogers and the Golden Girls and even O.J. Simpson knows better than to mess with the fun parade. :)
Men will never change. Their personality and goals in life will remain the same. However, women will always change as time passes. Men have almost always been at the heart of our emotional issues. Yet even after knowing about all their problems and malfunctions we continue to shop around and hunt for the best deal.
Some women become obsessed with the newest trends while others fall in love with the knock off merchandise. Ultimately neither one will hold our attention long enough. Promises and fantasy vacations will be postponed and once the next season approaches we will fall for another.
However, there are exceptions. The rare jewels that understand what women want and how to keep us interested. But, just like everything else in life nothing is guaranteed. Sometimes something old is better than something new.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Penny For Your Soul

You know what I love most about the holidays? The bitter, angry, lonely souls that tell me such sweet white lies. Howdy y'all. I love you too. xoxo :)
Some people still don't get the point of the blog. Let it go already they say. Meanwhile their personal lives are even juicier than the steamiest trash novel. Maybe you think you understand my words because you actually interact with me on a daily basis and one line hits home with you. Maybe you are a genie in a bottle or maybe, just maybe you have absolutely no clue what I'm talking about, but just like the latest Us Weekly or People magazine at the checkout counter you suddenly think you are best friends with me and find the need to talk behind my back. Unless your name is V you don't have a clue who I am or for that matter what my words really mean.
I wish the secret haters of my new love would have the guts to say their dirty thoughts to my face. Those who don't get me or choose to continue to live in a bubble world should mind their business. You would be amazed at all the juicy gossip I secretly know about your lives and whether or not any of it is true doesn't matter, but it sure does make for great dinner conversations.
Maybe this is the life you dreamed about and I wish you the best, really I do. But, not everyone is built the same. We all have different goals and desires to achieve in life. Maybe you want to get your last kicks off my public bashing of private people. Fine with me. The more the merrier.
By the way, your ignorant words don't hurt me. That was your intention wasn't it? To spit matter of fact statements and bits of juicy gossip from the janitorial closet at me because you thought it would embarrass me.
Welcome to my world bitches....If you have something to say try getting up off the couch and turning off Jersey Shore and write. See how many people will praise your two cents.
With Love,

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Girl

Hello, my name is @^#%&*, and im an addict. You may ask "just what are you addicted to?" well, the list is long, and for the most part not harmful. No, it's not drugs, but it does feel like the best drug iv'e ever tried. The reality is, I love women!! And boy do I ever...
Hmm, where to start...if you have been reading for a while, you know I am a single guy who is trying his chance at finding Mrs. right. My dating experiences have been mostly internet related recently. I have had some amazing dates, as well as a crapload of funny stories. Ever since August, I have had my dose of bad luck. I thought it would never end, but after waking up with a flat tire, and the door handle pulling off my front door as I closed it, I switched my tune. I then asked myself "Really??? is that all you got?" I from that day forward told myself "I would like to see what worse can happen!" and for some strange reason, my luck changed. I accepted I couldn't change what has happened, and to stress about what might happen, filled my days with madness and anger. I now walk around with a smile and laugh when things don't go my way.
Well, lets get to some juicy stuff... I have somehow been blessed, and recently more than normal. I met someone much younger than me and have gone out many times. She is very intelligent, classy, funny, and not to mention, beautiful! and to top that, she wants me!! At first I was very excited someone years younger had an interest in me, but the Virgo in me, makes me an overthinker. Is she after money? why someone my age? would it last, or just fun? and so on.. I often talk myself out of things before it begins. I have been out with her numerous times and I somehow seem to always have a new question in my head. I know if somethings right, it's right. But how do people look at me? do they think I am too old for her?and much more. Many guys would love to date someone younger and might say "HELL YEA!! a chick that young? Mmmm hmmm!!" but im not too sure how to feel about the situation. It just feels great, and at times, makes me feel like age dosn't matter.
As I am on these dating sites, I receive numerous emails and if I wanted to be a player, it would be simple. I just want one!! but is it wrong having tons of fun on the road to forever? So normally I am honest and tell everyone I meet that I am just dating until something clicks. Well, I just happen to open an email that sounded just like me (but the female version). I had to take a peek at her pics....WOW!!! I had to take a double-take. I don't know about you, but for me, I know when I like someone. To add to that, we had a 3 hour conversation on our first talk. Amazing!! I knew to not get my hopes up (as I always do), but figured lets give this one a try. We met, had drinks, and talked til 6 am. I then got invited to Thanksgiving dinner, I declined, but WOW!! I would run if any other girl wanted this, but I knew it was "RIGHT"!! We ave spoken every day ever since, and have everything in common. Now, I am not one into horoscope signs, but we happen to both be Virgos so im guessing we have tons in common. We have another date planned for tomorrow, so wish me luck. Ok here's where things get tricky.....Ok so there's the "young one", the "possible love interest", but now there's another. The very next day after my date, I got a few new emails and had no interest in meeting anyone else...but hey, im single and what's a few drinks? you never know, maybe "mrs. love interest" may not work out. So I write back and forth with, let's call her "the neighbor" and the main reason I returned the email was because she lived so close. Our conversations have gotten deeper and we are thinking of meeting this weekend. The honesty is if " interest" takes a step forward, I would give up everything!! I would delete all dating sites, and move forward... Call me crazy, but when something feels right, it just does!! I am somewhat scared to say what im thinking most of the time with her, but if she gives more signs, prepare for a very happy man. I have been all smiles and have too many reasons to do it... But all I want is that one that I can call my girl.
The Man

Monday, November 29, 2010

Frequent Biter

Oh my goodness! Okay I've officially had it with men. I don't really care for women either even with the additional wardrobe.
I already know I am going to be written up for once again exposing a personal conversation, but seriously I'm so frustrated now I must vent on here. It all started innocently enough a few days ago with a short conversation much to be about nothing. But, with one candid remark we were in a boxing match. What should have been a fifteen minute disagreement is going into it's fifth day of fighting.
I honestly don't even know what we are agruing about anymore. A part of me fears that if I keep pushing and throwing him in the gutter he may not get up. This is not the outcome I want, but I don't see a truce happening anytime soon.
Maybe he was right from the start. I had cursed our chances at sweet success. That one day he too will vanish with the click of a button.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Love Lockdown

I love you too. Why is life so complicated now? Nothing is simple anymore. My thoughts always detour off to happier moments. Memories locked up behind closed doors. The dust is collecting, the fever pitch reaching an all time high and then when the ball is hit there is no one cheering on the victory. All that remains are the words once elegantly written, now carelessly forgotten.
Did you really think I didn't know all this time? So keep playing your mind games, laughing out loud, leaving reminders of the past on permanent display. I see it all and I don't care. This is childish. Either let it go or release the chains.Two can play this game. Have you forgotten that I love silence, that I'm the queen of laughing out loud in public and that I do my best work alone.
You say you want to be a part of my life, but you haven't shown me any evidence to back up your claim. That was never your goal. You just want to lock me up and throw away the key. I will never fit in your mold. I am not a desperate housewife or an amish bride.
I will continue to plot my own course and create my future. One day you will see that I'm not stupid after all.

Speak Now

Alright who are you people reading the Soap Opera Drama post from way back in June? Now it's just annoying. What makes this one stick out from the three hundred other ones? Can you at least read another post from that month too? I will agree that some of our funniest writing was done during that month. But of all the posts in June I don't believe Soap Opera Drama was the best. Many afterwards, like Dude, What's Your Answer?, Glass Heart, Scam Artists, The Great Debate, Life Altered - The Butterfly Effect and Fun Girl Tell All are among my favorites from that month.
The majority of the posts in April and May exposed the vulnerable side and bittersweet reality of what happens after you are pushed off the cliff. Jump around if you prefer, but please at least read more than one post from a month. We wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression about who we are and what we are doing on here.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Back to Never

Why do you have to be so mean and jump to conclusions that are absolutely false? It's not fair. I didn't say anything and because of my silence you want to punish me? There are two sides to every story. In this case neither is completely innocent. If I was afraid I won't be subjecting myself to the daily torture. What more can I say? It's no longer up to me. The ball is in your court. Think wisely before making your decision it may haunt you forever.
I can picture my life many years from now and you are there. But, if I close my eyes and daydream some more the picture becomes blurry and the voices fade out.
So once again I'm going to sleep alone and confused. It maybe Thanksgiving and I am thankful for everything I have and for the health of my family, but tomorrow is just another day. Today is an excuse to stop thinking about the problems that lie in wait on the road ahead. But, you won't let me forget the pain or the betrayal. You keep throwing it in my face. I get it!! Seriously stop!! It's not helping us more forward and there is nowhere to run back to.
Is never best? Will that make all the problems melt away? I'm starting to not care anymore. The tug of war is giving me rug burn. I want the fuck out of the haunted house. You are falling for the trap. Don't you see? This is exactly what he wanted to happen. But, don't think for second that there was a happy reunion. Don't talk to me like I'm a freshman in the business. I may not be at your level, but that doesn't mean I don't have a clue.
So think what you want. Make claims that are false. Just one request, if you are going to write the next chapter of my life give me a clue about what to expect. If you had the guts to speak your mind before why is it suddenly impossible to say a word?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Be Thankful

Today I don’t feel that it is appropriate for me to bitch or moan about the hurt that I have experienced in my life. Instead I am using my voice on here to show my respect to the families and friends of the brave 29 miners who will never walk among us again. On Friday there was an explosion in a mine in New Zealand trapping 29 miners. 1 man from Scotland, 1 South African, 2 Australians and 25 New Zealanders, aged from 17 to 62. Yesterday there was a second explosion, which was followed by an announcement that there was no hope of any survivors. These men went to work the same as we all do. It was the first time underground for the young 17 year old. Another man had volunteered for 2 hours of overtime. These men did not make it home. My heart goes out to the families.
People may be predictable but life is not.
I used to have this Nickelback song as my ring tone.

If Today Was Your Last Day
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

Aussie Gal

I Heart You Too

The holiday season always brings out the romantic in me. When I think back on the events of the past year I can't believe what has happened in such a short period of time. I fear that my heart will get broken again, but I've decided it's worth the risk.
I was blessed with a wake up call last summer and after months of mentally debating I have decided not to give it another shot with Andy. A part of me wants to try, but the list of cons outweighs the positives. He talks about being different, but his actions of recent show me that if anything he is worse than before. There are moments when all is well, but now that everything is out in the open all can never be well again. It's hard to let go of a life that once was full of laughter and smiles, but in its place now are concrete walls and jokers running wild.
I have not accepted McD's proposal just yet. I too was totally taken by surprise when he put his heart on the table. It's to soon to tell if the affection can blossom into a lasting love. It is comforting on bad days to know somewhere in the world there is someone who cares for me. But, that's just it he's not here and most likely never will be. How can we have a relationship, let alone a marriage and kids with a geographical challenge? Just as I won't move for a man, I would never want a guy to put a love interest in front of his career. It will always backfire down the road.
2010 was a dramatic year and 2011 will likewise be filled with changes and new highs and lows. Perhaps a marriage or two as well.
Gobble, gobble. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Count Your Blessings

Maybe it's not about whom we have loved or who has loved us, but rather just the fact that we did love that makes life a blessing. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others leave a lasting footprint on our hearts and we are never the same.
It was around this time last year that I wrote M one last private note. A few months had passed since the faithful email that ultimately started the evolution. All I wanted was one question answered, well maybe two. We all know now that the answer never came. I was hoping that I could finally let go of the ghost and be at peace with the past and for the first couple months of this year I was. Then my aunt suddenly died and the wound inflicted by M was torn open and all I wanted was to be released from the pain and confusion. The more I wrote on the blog, the lighter I felt. The weight of the last years and last days quickly began to disappear. There never was a goal to gain a large following or spread the story of M and many other JSR's across the world, but then again some of the biggest brands were started by accident. (Wishful thinking for the Love Biters.)
Thanks so much guys for all the love and kind words over the last months. It is thanks to all of you that life has a new meaning and purpose. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May you all be both safe and blessed.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Antique Road Show

I've come to realize that no one should be trusted with my heart. It is the most priceless possession I have and it's not for sale. I've rented it out in the past, but it was never returned in the same condition.
The dents and bruises have increased my heart's value. It is no longer an innocent beating; there are many stories to be told. Many sleepless nights tossing and turning contemplating life choices. If we didn't experience pain, loss or betrayal how would we know what was real?
Happy periods are when you should be on guard. Perfection is impossible to live up to, which means one of these days your heart will get bruised or broken.
Remember who you are and what you want out of your one and only life. Embrace the challenges and fears; this is the time to change, to become the person you always wanted to be. Keep pushing yourself until you reach the goals that always seemed impossible to accomplish.
At least this is what I want to believe is true. That if you work hard, deal with the issues not run away like the cowardly lion, you will come out stronger and wiser. The world may not be as rosy as it once was; then again I've never been a fan of ordinary.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Crying Game

How do you put a year's worth of incredible highs and brutal lows into one sentence? How do you explain the past when you don't even understand it?
I went back to the start last night. To the very first blog and read entry by entry up until mid June. There was a point during that month that I finally woke up and realized love doesn't bite. It rocks. You know you never loved someone when all you remember is the hatred and the loser stamp tattooed across his forehead. Once the coma is over and the sky is blue again you wake up not only refreshed, relaxed and thinner, but happier and excited for the next chapter to begin.
One click started this and another click created sublime happiness. Although at the time I wasn't aware why anything was happening. But, now it all makes perfect sense.
The last year has been the worst year of my life and the best. For me, life will never be the same and thank goodness for that. I have learned a lot about myself in the past months and happily surprised at just how far I've come in such a short period of time. I wasn't thinking clearly at first and I certainly wasn't thinking about the huge domino effect of one question left unanswered. But, here I am a year later and I'm once again free.
I was once told that the only way I would be able to rid myself of the demons of the past was to create my own ending to the cold case. At the time I thought the idea was rather pointless, given I don't know why. But, that's the point. I don't know, I never will know the truth and so I must take the facts I do know and revisit the scene of the crime until the day I solve the puzzle.
As the seasons have changed so have I and each day I push myself to keep moving forward, to keep following my heart until it leads me to sublime happiness. I finally found my calling and thanks to a giant push into the deep end I'm swimming without protection again.
I guard my heart more so now; examine my words and intent. Am I humble or proud or fearful? Am I leading others on to manipulate an outcome or am I being real, if not guarded? How can I learn from my own mistakes?
People will do, say or think whatever — I cannot control any of that; I can only control myself.

Broken Fortune Cookie

I'm seriously confused and frustrated by men. You would think by now I should at least have a clue about the inner workings on the male mind, but each word out of any guy's mouth is still an impossible puzzle. It doesn't help when your main form of conversation is emailing, which at times is even more annoying.
It's not right to go from an open line of communication to a few three word answers that actually skip over the question and detour into a completely different topic. I even said I had enough. That I can't do long distance and that I can't just up and move to a different state let along a different country. I was bluffing. I would if I could, if it felt right. But, it doesn't. It feels forced. Like I have no choice. Neither opinion is all that appealing anymore. I want everything I can't have and nothing else.
So before we invest more time and money into a relationship that very well may not last we must be on the same page. I'm not looking for another father figure or nanny. If you don't understand me and my words that's fine, but I'm not going to pull out the thesaurus every time there is a word or phrase you think means one thing when in fact I'm using it in a very different context.
I want the truth even if it hurts. I don't need love, if I stumble upon it that's great, but I was doing just fine on my own. Sometimes I speak before I think, but at least I'm up front with my inner thoughts. Maybe now you should be the one letting your guard down and being frank with me.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

First Wives Club

Some might say I'm a drama queen at times. That I crave attention or that I'm a magnet for nuts and I get sucked into the circus. Then again maybe I do best when surrounded by cans of worms.
The other day the email that was the source of pain and confusion all those months ago popped up in a saved file on my email account. I thought I had deleted it, but there it was. Just as cold and bizarre as the first day I read it. I didn't need to open the email to remember the words. They are still engraved in my memory. What stood out now and still made me ask why were the same key words. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault, and this isn't easy." I get it now as best I ever will. I could continue to replay every conversation or encounter with M and I still wouldn't have the right answer. I believe what I want to from that note and the silence.
M is the topic of conversation a lot these days. Not for the reasons you all are thinking, but because of one cowardly, douche bag, jackass I have found my voice. So what if I never get the truth about that day or the year’s prior. This right here is the answer to it all.
Sonoma gal is back in action again, dishing out words of wisdom and motivating me to keep kicking some ass. We lost touch a little while back when life as she knew it landed head first into a pile of shit. She cleans up mighty well and hasn't lost her edge. Welcome back to the first wives club honey. You have been missed. So of course being the self centered bitch I am the first question I asked her was "Are you reading the blog again? Now that love doesn't bite."

"YES! I just caught up on the blog - WOW! The fans are the key indicator that you are doing something right! How funny, you started writing because of MF but through it you have helped other people find their voice, given advice by way of trial and error and in the end have found a mate that may be able to care for you more from three thousand miles away than the guy next door could ever care for you:) Take that shit, MF."
- Sonoma Gal

If you are still reading this M, I truly hope you're well. Life goes on and the evolution continues. Thanks for being the starter wood. Dry, heavy and bitter with a lifetime burn.
Happy holidays!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Shattered Soul

One of the Love Bites groupies posted this letter on the fb fan page and I was deeply moved by her words. Also I'm to tired to write and my mind is blank at the moment. Inspiration will come soon, I hope.
On behalf of all the silent souls out there who have suffered emotional, verbal or physical abuse by a loved one I share this good-bye letter a woman wrote to her boyfriend. Perhaps some of you can relate. The names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.

Dear John,
You wished for happiness, you wished for someone better, you wished for someone who will not show hurt when you commit a thoughtless act. You wished for someone you can be yourself with. Well, today, your wish may come true…

I really wish you happiness and I hope you can find what you are looking for. A woman that can offer you what you dream of, a woman you can be yourself with even if it hurts her, a woman that will give you the ultimate freedom at the price of a quiet bleeding heart. A woman with keen discernment who will detect a troubled, anguished and unstable spirit within you only on your first date and decides she cares enough already to take on the challenge and help you; A woman who will not run away when her fears are confirmed as she learns your bipolar family history. A woman that will still smile when you tell her; “I should have married Mary” only on your second date. A woman that will still want to see you on a fourth date when you tell her; “I really like Stephanie our dating service front desk clerk, she is really hot!” a woman that will not be disappointed when you tell her; “Bethany” the girl you always talked about, “…is the prettiest girl in the office, I like her. She has a very nice ass, she knows it and she likes to flaunt it, and everyone in the office knows it too.” a woman that won’t feel humiliated and shocked when you tell her with excitement; “Come see this (freeones, a porn website) she is my favorite porn star and you look like her.” A woman that won’t question you when she finds you are still active on several dating services five months into your relationship with her. A woman that won’t ask for your respect towards her when you yell, “f*** you!” call her a bitch, tell her she is the most f**** up person you have ever met, that she is stupid and dumb and that you are 10 times smarter than she is, then ask her to leave her own home that she provides for you. A woman that won’t get upset when you call her to tell her; “I told my co-workers at the end of the day that I was going to go home now and get a piece of ass.” Maybe she won’t mind knowing that her boyfriend refers to her at work as a piece of ass. A woman that can still sit by your side when you ask the waitress at a restaurant, “C’mon sit on my lap” in front of your friends. A woman who can resist the urge to walk out and stay by your side when you signal the blond you have been watching on the dance floor all evening to come to you, then tell her something in her ear and laugh with her. A woman who will agree to attend a strip joint with you because you were going “through a phase”…whose strength and patience will withstand watching you rest your cheek on the young stripper’s head as you caress her long blond hair while she talks to you in your ear, then turning to your loyal girlfriend and saying; “Please bear with me and be patient I am going through a phase right now.” Maybe she will find comfort as I did when friends around the table hold her hand with a puzzled look on their faces and tell her; “It’s going to be alright, you will be ok” during your bathroom break. Maybe she will still be trustingly and patiently waiting for you at the table of that same strip joint when you disappeared “looking for the manager” to talk to him. A woman that will be able to stomach when she learns that sometimes you avoid her phone calls because she is cutting into your porn time. Maybe she won’t cry when she comes home from a long trip longing to be with you and you have no desire to be with her because you already had your fill on the computer screen. Maybe she will give you chance after chance when you tell her it hurts you to hurt her and that you will never want to hurt her again only to do it again and again. Maybe she will hold your sobbing daughters in her arms time and time again when you tell them things so hard to listen to, call them despicable diminishing names, losers, and tell them they have no brain. Maybe she can watch you throw things at them and still lay down with you in bed at night and caress your hair until you fall asleep. Maybe she will continue to see hope in her relationship with you when she looks back and realizes that she has spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years crying as she recalls your unceasing fights every single holiday. Maybe she will be understanding when she has to work for Christmas, calls you and leaves you a Merry Christmas wish in your voice mail and no one (including your family) knows where you are or hears from you for 4 days. Maybe she won’t feel confused when you tell her; “You love me too much, you cater to me too much…. you remind me of my mother, I hate it.” maybe she will resign herself to a life without kissing when she learns that her lips will never see another passionate kiss again because you are “not into kissing.” maybe she will still be there when you take her on romantic weekends away, sit by the fire under the stars and you can’t stop fighting. 

Maybe she will be ok with a superficial relationship and won’t have the need to talk about deep meaningful things, “us,” the future, God, faith, trust, and changes to improve and grow closer together because it angers you. Maybe she won’t mind resorting to emails to communicate with you to solve issues because you can’t communicate successfully without taking it to a severe critical level of angry, insulting and hurtful words. May be just maybe you will find someone who will keep her feelings and concerns to herself to avoid turmoil and chaos in her relationship with you. I have shed so many bitter tears, I have spent sleepless nights, and my health has suffered all because of my love for you. I have no more tears to shed my well is dry. These tears are no longer mine; they belong to her, that special woman who will be stronger than me, smarter than me and with extraordinary patience. Maybe, just maybe she is out there, waiting for you ready to make you happy. I would tell her of the flowers you brought me; I would tell her of your affectionate nature, of how crazy you would be about her and how deep your love for her would be. I would tell her of the meals you would cook with love for her and how you’d worry about her and would care for her. I would tell her of the places you would take her, the dinners and wine you would buy her… about the loving, playful and fun side of you and the scared and silly side of you. I would tell her how hard you work and how ambitious and successful you are in reaching your goals. But I would never tell her the pain she will endure and how her life will change. Let her hope for happiness, and dream like I did and if she is the right woman, when her dreams are shattered and all hope is gone, when she cries herself to sleep, and when her joy has turned to sorrow, and her smile has faded…if she is the right woman, she will still be there, by your side, hoping…hoping…

A Shattered Soul

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hopeless Romantic

Each person in a relationship has his or her own goals, hopes and dreams. However, you want to be sure that your partner is clear of yours (and you know theirs) so that you can work together to achieve them.

Better yet, if you are a good enough advocate for yourself (and respect your partner) you might just end up getting exactly what you want. Here is mine.

I want that last first kiss. I want to know how forever feels. I want to be the first thing you think about when you wake up, and the last thing on your mind when you close you're eyes (and vise versa). I want to grow old with you. I want to send you flowers for no reason at all. I want to say silly things to put a smile on your face. I want to be the first you call when you need advice. I want to share all life has to offer. I want to make love to you morning, noon, and night. I want our passionate kisses to last forever. I want to be honest with you at all times, whether it hurts your feelings or not. I want to be the shoulder you can cry on. I want to be your best friend. I want to smile for no reason at all when I think of you. I want to text you with simple I love you's. I want to take care of those days you're sick. I want to help you make your dreams come true. I want to hear your opinion whether I agree or not. I want you to be totally open with me. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want to remain healthy so I can be with you for many years. I want to be a better person for you. I want to not have to say a word, but we know what each other are thinking. I want to get this started as soon as possible. I want you to be proud I am your man. I want to call you babe, Hun, sweetie, and all those other cute names. I want to do things for you before you ask. I want to have the relationship people envy. I want to be your last love. I want to make you breakfast in bed. I want to have the tub ready when you had a long day. I want to know what you are thinking before you say. I want to look into your eyes in fifty years the same way I look at you now. I want to celebrate each week I have someone as special as you. I want to try new things with you. I want to stay in shape for you. I want to learn all you are interested in. I want to impress you when I can. I want to surrender my heart for your taking. I want do the things you like to do. I want to prove there are still a few good guys left. I want to prove love still exists.

I know when I say, "I want" it may sound selfish, but I have all my love to give for the right woman. There is nothing I wouldn't do to have this come true. I have waited my whole life and now it's yours.
The Man

A Good Woman
By Carol Naumann

One you should treasure, but not as a possession,
Who needs to be loved, not treated with aggression?
Her value is more than all the world's treasures,
Not just the sum of scale's unit measures.
She should always be built up, not torn down,
By all the words you speak, when she is around.
She needs to be hugged and not pushed away,
Especially when you both having a really bad day.
Words spoken to her in haste and anger,
Can place her fragile heart in danger.
She should be admired for her boundless love,
And looked upon as a true gift from Above.
Not used as a target for all your frustration,
But held close and kissed with loving admiration.
You should always appreciate her commitment to you,
And not take for granted what she's given up for you!
Kiss her and love her all that you possibly can,
And don't be embarrassed to be seen holding her hand.
Treasure each day as if it were the last,
And at the end of your life you won't be regretting your past.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

For Better or Worse or So I Thought

For better or worse. I thought this meant that if you loved a person you would never leave them and if life hit a rough patch you would be there to work through it. But, you aren't here anymore. You are long gone, planning a new life with your soon to be next great love. It's all crystal clear. I was a fool to believe that maybe this one time I would get my wish.
As yet another year comes to an end and the visions of sugarplums and fairy godmothers once again dangle their happy dreams around the Christmas tree I find myself not much better off than I was last year.
A lot has changed and yet so much has not. Even after the little white lie about Santa was revealed I still wanted to believe that this jolly old, fat man and his reindeers were on the roof on Christmas Eve and that he enjoyed the sugar cookies and milk I left on the coffee table along with a cute drawing and note before he flew over to my neighbor's house.
I don't bother with the holiday cheer or festive decor anymore. More depressing really looking at a tree with no gifts. A tree that reminds you of happier times, of children and Kay Jeweler commercials you thought you would be experiencing by now.
Instead I find myself single once after. I should have known better, but I really wanted to believe. It must get better. What if there is no light at the end of the tunnel? If the tunnel is a dead end road with no breakdown lane.
I say I don't fear being alone, but it's not true. I want someone who is happy to see me. Someone who will jump hoops to be by my side. Someone who won't run away when life gets tough.
Is this too much to ask for?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

So it's official the reason Andy came back into my life was to win me back. At least that's the story he wants me to believe. I'm not for sale, never have been. My likes and dislikes have changed over the years. If only his actions supported his words. He says he wants the spark back, but in the next breath he tells me how stupid I am and how I will fail miserably once he is gone. Newsflash dear sweet Andy I'm doing just fine. Sure, I wish it could be like old times. That I can forget all the pain and betrayal caused, but even if I wanted to start fresh I'm reminded everyday why we can never last. The affair isn't what broke us, we were broken from day one. Instead of trying to work out our problems in a mature and professional manner you have taken to hunting down the enemy in a cruel and childish way. How can you ever truly believe we can have a future together again if you continue down this path of destruction?
I was trying to imagine what our life would be like with children and while I know deep down underneath all the hostile words you still love me recent events make me seriously question moving forward. For starters I never ever want to see your family again. They already gossip about everyone else and put others down. If I want to go somewhere I'm not going to ask permission. If I want to buy myself something pretty I don't want to hear you bitch. I want a house or two, kids, nice cars, exotic vacations (fyi Cancun is not exotic unless you are seventeen), real friends and above all I want to be happy. So while we could have a kid together and cross our fingers all goes well. What if it doesn't? I will forever have your family in my business. Talking behind my back, laughing at me if I gain a few pounds, spreading rumors about my lifestyle and beliefs.
You are making the decision for me by continuing down this path. So now you know there is someone else who wants a life with me. A life that you can never show me. There are qualities of both of you that I admire and respect. Truth by told at this point I just want to be free from all the drama and left alone for a while. No one can predict what will happen tomorrow or ten years from now. But, there are certain things I do know and if you can't offer them to me now or ever then I must go and you must find someone who loves you just the way you are.
So about my photo on the fb page I took it down. I appreciate all the sweet words, but I think I want a more anonymous picture now. I don't like people in my business, so I've put my guard back up since the whole Andy meltdown started. Trying my best to lay low for a while and hope this all blows over.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Granny J

I’m going to be a Grandma… Holy Shit!!!! I’m only 32. Granny J is my name at this stage. I have been floored again. For anyone that remembers when I first started to write on here I mentioned that I have a good relationship with one of JSR’s daughters who lives kind of in the outback of Australia. Well next week she has her high school graduation and is valedictorian. So we have planned for months that I would drive the 1200km out there to attend. JSR however is not attending. So accommodation is sorted, I have purchased a prepaid mobile for the only network which works out there and have pretty much worked out my very long trip there and back. Good thing I have cruise control. So in our texting yesterday she mentions that she won’t be staying at the after party for long, as she can’t drink. My response being “why can’t you drink? You’re not pregnant are you? Lol” And her reply had me spinning. She wanted to tell me in person but of course I busted that. I do worry, as she doesn’t have the best relationship with her Mother. And JSR could not possibly act adult enough to support her in the way that she will need. And I guess the biggest thing is that she is 17. She told me that they are both so happy about this but it is going to change their lives forever. In ways that they never thought about. This trip is going to be massive. Not only in terms of the 12 hour solo drive each way but also in the conversation I have to have with my daughter, which will include my failed marriage with her father. She did mention yesterday that JSR keeps telling her that I won’t show up. I would like to know where he gets off telling her what I will and won’t do. But I love this girl and care about her as if she were my own. And I feel the same back from her. I am so looking forward to this….
I think it will be like a Twilight Zone when I get into town out there. I’ll walk into the pub and the music will stop, everyone will stop mid drink and stare. I need something witty to say… Suggestions????
Aussie Gal

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. True friends will never laugh behind your back, bash what you believe in or scream matter of fact statements that while amusing are so far from the truth. True friends will stick by your side and listen to your words. They will respect your passion and even if they don't understand they will unconditionally support you. True friends will be married to you for life. They won't divorce you or cheat on you.
It's unfortunately that once again because of a lack of knowledge and a bitter shoulder since life just hasn't gone as you hoped that certain so called anonymous people whom I thought were my friends are attempting to take apart and belittle the new joy in my life.
Funny how when I first started writing you thought it was a great idea and had my back. Supporting me thru the good and bad times, but now that I'm past the pain and directing my passion in a new direction you don't like the fact that I'm popular and happy again.
But, who are you to judge me. You are far from perfect yourself. So continue to talk behind my back. It will get you nowhere. I will continue to write, continue to follow my heart, continue to expose my intimate thoughts on here. But, you will never understand my words. Read with caution, tell me my fortune (as you seem to know more about my future than I do) and maybe one day we will be friends again.

Inappropriate Relations

Ahhhh!! Can someone please explain to me why marriage is suppose to be a life goal. It's more like a dog leash constantly pulling you away from all the fun toys. The point of getting married isn't so you can have kids and live in a quaint suburb, driving around in your super stylish minivan or SUV. No, the real reason people get married is to stake claim to a person and give the world the impression that you are fabulous because one person in a sea of millions wanted you and only you.
Sure there are financial benefits and the fact that you now can play god with your spouse's life if they get seriously injured. You can love one person in a lifetime or a handful but every time your heart starts dancing doesn't mean you should walk down the aisle. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If it's damaged at least try to understand and decide if it's worth mending.
When you break it down the only real difference between being single or dating or married is that you now aren't suppose to have inappropriate relations (gotta love Bill Clinton) with anyone else for the rest of your existence. Which being that 99% of couples rarely see their spouse’s goods is pretty bizarre. But what if you get bored? It doesn't mean you don't love your partner any less because you want the affection of another person. The majority of the time it's a wake up call that the passion and affection have been replaced with kids, work, money concerns, etc.
Threesomes are always fun at first. The more the merrier right? The fantasy is always so much better on screen. Behind closed doors a very different story. Someone always walks away with their head down wondering why they couldn't be number one? Why they had to accept being runner up. There will always be someone bigger, someone smoother, someone more alluring and exotic. If you don't factor this in you will always be disappointed.
Falling in love is the easy part. Staying in love takes work. It's a two way street. There is never one person more at fault for the breakup. Shit happens. People change, but you can't honestly say you didn't see the ending coming.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Blue Valentine

You like heavy metal. I like jazz. You can run a marathon. I can barely jog two blocks. You cook. I microwave dinner. You separate whites and colors. I like to mix it up. You grew up in a big family. I grew up alone. You were a sweet, southern gentleman. I was a young girl from an upscale suburb.
I still remember the first day we met. I had goose bumps from the minute you entered the room. I felt small compared to you. From that day on I came to work early, overdressed to impress, flirted and was on cloud nine when you asked me out. Our first date was perfect and the rest was history. From that day on we were always together. I would run down the block after work so excited to see you and tell you about my night. The summer flew by and then we packed up and moved south. But, you were hiding a secret from me. I forgave you when most would have walked away and never looked back. I had skeletons in my closet too. I'm not perfect, no one is.
If you won't forgive me then forget about me. Punish me, not them. Why pretend to want to repair when the truth is you made your decision before you got on the plane. FYI this isn't the way to win me back. This is the way to burn bridges forever. Is that what you really want? Do you want to read about my life or be a part of it?
I am the same person. My core never changed. Life did. But, here's the deal I don't want to be roommates with someone who has no intention of trying to fix anything. Someone who openly admitted that he was so happy when I was so sad and didn't see anything odd about that. Who can say one thing to my face and then turn around and do the complete opposite.
Is this where we finally let go of the fairytale and start our lives over? You will always be in my heart. I will always remember you. I will always love you. But we can't continue like this. It's not far to you or me. The best years are behind us. Opposites attract, but magnets don't have a lifetime guarantee. Repair the void or burn the memories.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

It wasn't supposed to be like this. In many ways I wish I could go back in time and change everything, but then I realize that it's not all my fault. Yes, it was not wise to allow M back into my life. M might have helped grow the gap, but the separation had already begun months earlier. I took my pain and frustration out on the one person in the whole world who unconditionally loved me and day after day he stood silent by my side, not bothering to ask what was wrong.
It was the silence and what I thought was a lack of caring and affection towards me that frustrated and upset me. Of course all those months were never discussed. Which frustrated me even more, because to him it didn't mean anything. To him, it was normal to stop talking and start sleeping in different rooms without a discussion of why? How could he not see the warning signs that happily ever after were quickly turning into roommates without benefits?
To honestly say you didn't see the change and didn't even try to understand is the cowardly way out. How could it return to what it once was if one person has changed and the other is still happy with the way it is?
Walking away from a life that once was all you ever wanted and for the most part ideal is absolutely terrifying. I will always question if I made the right move. If I should have tried harder, if there still was a chance to have the past back, but having the guts to let that life go and try something new is what I needed. It's hard to move on, when you’re still attached to your past. You must learn to let go and open your heart to someone else. If one day I come to realize I made the wrong choice then I will have to live with that, but you don't learn unless you try.

"Darling you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Always tease tease tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine, next day is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know!

This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free..."

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Fallen Angel

The fun is in the chase. The game is over when you run away for the chance at an airbrushed existence. I thought I had found everything I had ever dreamed for in a man and a life that seemed ideal. But, we had gone from flirtation to passion and talks about saying I do and skipped over getting to really know one another. There are certain quirks that I have briefly seen that make me second-guess what my heart thinks it wants.
I have a thing about people following through with projects they take on. If you agree to do something do it in a timely manner. If you can't get to it say so. Don't make me out to be the bad guy because I keep asking if it's completed.
In order to get to be the boss you will make enemies along the way and in most cases you will sacrifice your personal life to excel in your profession. There is nothing wrong with this and I've been played before so I should have spotted the signs earlier. I wanted to believe his words and a part of me still does, but how can I now?
I am an independent person and I pride myself on this. While I do at times think it's appropriate for the man to take control of a situation and act as a protector of sorts I certainly don't approve of a man being a controlling freak.
I found out today that McDreamy is considering moving to Europe to oversee a project. It would be neat to live there, but I'm not going to repeat Carrie and the Russian. Which I fear is exactly what would happen since I don't know anyone there and I wouldn't have a job. I'm not a housewife and I certainly don't intend to uproot my life just because someone says I love you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


The months are flying by and the past is becoming nothing more than a brief reminder of a life once lived. I have resisted the temptation to read the archives because the last time I found myself upset and mortified for saying some of the things I did. There continues to be an interest in the Soap Opera Drama post from back in June. (Probably doesn't help that we continue to single out that entry.) Seriously people what is the fascination with this one blog? Please at least read the one before and after.
The words no longer effortlessly flow. Then again there isn't much to talk about anyhow since my heart is far from home. Or is it? I thought the hard part was saying I love you when in fact that is the easy part. Backing up that statement with actions not just a ring is the real job.
It's incredibly hard to believe words when the person saying them is thousands of miles away. I want to believe there is truth to his over the top declaration, but as the days go by and the conversations again go back to nonexistent I find my interest fading. Questioning if maybe I made the wrong choice by jumping on board a ship without a destination. When the spark and blossoming love of a new relationship start it is easy to fall too hard, too quick just be sure the leap is the best choice for everyone.
I can't change what happened even if I wish I could re due certain events. Likewise it is premature to start planning a wedding when the truth is we barely know each other. In a way I feel so silly for thinking this was normal and for disregarding everything else because I wanted to be loved again. I already was and yes it wasn't the perfect relationship, but even after everything I still love him. That doesn't mean I can ever forget what happened and it doesn't make me a stupid person. It is what is it is. I do fear that if I take Andy back I will be settling and moving backwards. Like he said I have changed and the person he was in love with just a few years ago doesn't exist anymore. We can continue to harp on the past and run in the same circle forever or we can accept and attempt to understand the evolved person.

Karma Is a Bitch

Every so often while having an idle moment I stop and wonder “How did I get here?”. Things seem surreal. Here I am sitting at my desk, looking out the window over the Broadwater. It’s a miserable day but it hasn’t stopped the jet-boats, sailing boats and jet-skis. They are all out there having a whale of a time. Come 5 o’clock I will jump in my car and drive down the highway for an hour to my new home with two awesome flat mates.
Just over a year ago I was making a promise to the man who I loved that I would spend the rest of my life with him and he promised the same to me. That man does not exist anymore. In his place stands a JSR. Someone who cannot call himself a man at all. I spend little time thinking about him these days. Today two of the three significant songs from our wedding were played on the radio this morning so it brought back memories. I have not heard either of these songs since I moved up here so it’s interesting that they were both played about an hour apart. But I will not dwell too much on it. I have new, better and exciting things to focus my energy on. Yes it is the past that makes a person into who they are today, but it is exactly that. The Past. It cannot be changed, therefore it is a waste to use too much energy dwelling on it. Learn the lesson, use it to your advantage and move forward. Sure it’s easier said than done. I remember the pain that I went through. Feeling like my world had ended. Wanting to curl up in a ball in the corner and let the world pass me by. I didn’t allow myself to do it. But I wished I could. Fortunately for me I am a stubborn Taurean (I can see a couple of people who know me reading this nodding their heads. Hi guys J). I would not allow my life to end because of someone else’s cowardly and childish wrongdoings. I look at my life now and I don’t think there is a single aspect that has not improved since I left that house. I may not have many possessions, but I look at the fact that I can start new and fresh without any memories attached to them. JSR cannot say the same. He gets to keep all of those memories to remind him of what he did and the pain that he caused his wife. Karma is a bitch.
I will be adding a photo for the FB page soon. I have just been deliberating as to whether it should conceal my identity or not. I feel there is little chance of JSR coming across the blog, but am wary of it coming back and biting me on the arse. On the other hand I have a right to voice my thoughts and feelings and I haven’t been disrespecting my ex on facebook in front of many mutual friends like he has. Maybe I have already made up my mind.
I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. I have an awesome wedding to go to.
Aussie Gal

WWF of Dating

The dating world has it's share of up's & downs... most of my dates just want to go up & down, without any commitments...Normally this would be fine, but it gets old! I am not saying it dosn't fill the time, but there are days when I look at families at the park, or walking down the street and wish I had what they have. Some of you guys reading may think I am full of crap, but the truth is it is very hard & expensive to date multiple people. I would imagine any single, decent-looking guy, who takes care of himself, could or does the same as me. In the recent months I have been on countless dates with most not being relationship material. When I say not "relationship material" it may be on their part as well. I am at a age where most people have been married, have kids, or recently divorced and playing the field. The newest thing is the "cougars"..Whoa! they are on the prowl, and think I can be converted into a cub... It's fun, but that's all. If you look at how many people read this blog, it shows most people have been hurt in the past, and don't want to feel that way again. Well, Hell!! we have all been hurt or affected by someone, whether good or bad, so don't shut may lose that special one who makes the difference.
I recently wrote about the masseuse who I had been asking out. We went out once and she avoids my questions on going out again. I knew something was fishy from the second she asked if I could bring her some food the other day, but was overcome by the "what if" factor. Again I get a text last night (it has been a daily thing), but this time even more interesting. It says "I am so sore. I just got out of the gym. I need a massage". Mmmmm, my mind racing....I felt this was my turn to get a closer look,. I responded "ohhhh, really..I am not cheap" Her: "would you do one for me?" At this point I was getting a little excited. She was "off limits" from the moment I met her, but I also went out with her, had a kiss, and now talking daily. Somehow I knew the mind games were about to start. Her: " well ?" I responded " sure. when?" Then it turns on me "we can go to my work, but you will need to pay for the room" $#%#$%#@!@#$!#$ !!!!! I KNEW IT...I WAS GETTING PLAYED. I read the signs early on and always had it in the back of my head. So here's what I did... "ok but I need one as well" (I was just another customer from the start) I went there payed, got my massage, gave hers and said thanks. On my way out the door, I made another appointment with her coworker and returned directly in the room. ( I knew she despised her. She had told me earlier she gives "happy endings") Nothing happened during the massage besides my battery almost going dead from her jealousy. Hahahaa... I guess she didn't like the fact I wasn't her "customer". No one owns me, and if you play mind games...mind-games you shall receive. In reality, the one who cares the least, wins. I think I won this battle.
I have said all that to say this: As you know we all write most of our intimate secrets on this blog. If you have not read from the first post I recommend it. I was thinking the other day, as we added a photo of ourselves, a crazy idea popped into my head. What if I were willing to meet one of the readers for a date? Would someone really be interested in meeting me? My deepest secrets were revealed on here. I havn't even told my friends half of the things I've done. But then realized if they met me, they would know more about me than even my closest friends. This, I believe, would be half of the battle. Any takers?
The Man

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Lost and Found

A slow start to the blog this month and with the holidays fast approaching the blogs may soon be few and far between. So brace yourselves and savor every word we do write. :)
Work is crazy busy which of course is a fabulous thing, but after a fourteen hour day my eyes become very sleepy once I sit down. I will try harder to sneak away for a few in the middle of the day to write a blog.
As well we have been busy putting together a boutique line of super adorable and stylish apparel. Just one more way to share the story of M with the world. I wanted to be evil in my secret (well it's a secret anymore) plan of sweet revenge, but the business woman in me thought up an even more genius form of payback. Watch out MF, it ain't over yet. MF of course stands for Miami, Florida. It most certainly is not the initials of a particular person who also happens to be the mascot of all the JSR's in the world. Although it sure is convenient that the letters have multiple meanings. Another fabulous one is Mother Fucker. Pretty amazing huh? Anyhow, all I can say is karma rocks and unless Mr. & Mrs. JSR moved to another state or country this my friends is the calm before the next storm. Only this time I won't be the one left asking why?
As 2010 comes to an end I find myself reflecting upon what was definitely a year filled with more trauma and drama than happily ever after days. Yet, I'm so glad I experienced all this pain and heartache now and was able to walk away a stronger, wiser and possibly richer person. (Thanks so much for the motivation M. We will meet again. The city sure is small when you run in the same circles.) Since I'm getting into the holiday spirit and being the generous and sweet person that I am, I think it would be a brillant idea to send M and company a care package of all things Love Bites. Can't forget the bag of coal.
One year ago I lost myself in the search for the answer to why. No answer will ever change the truth now. The lack of an answer on day one and everyday thereafter was the ultimate answer. It said everything I suspected over the years, everything I didn't want to believe and everything I already knew but didn't want to admit to myself.
The erasing was the easy part. Don't continue to chase something that was never for sale. Do follow your heart and you might be pleasantly surprised. Don't obsess over what could have been or continue to wonder why events unfolded as they did. As the days go by you will understand that none of this helps or matters in the end. The weak let go of the pain. They pretend events didn't occur, that friends didn't avoid answer questions because they were difficult or uncomfortable to answer. Success for the most part comes as a result of a painful event. That is what I believe and when I think about MF it's once again because I love home. There is a split second when I remember the real MF and the life once lived. But I laugh now because I'm not that person anymore. Maybe I never was. Maybe this was always meant to be the ending to the story of M.
M will live on forever now. I doubt that was the idea behind not answering a simple question. But, like I've always said this story never was meant to go public. But, what choice did I have? Walk away and let the jackass win? Hell no! Clearly M never knew me or maybe he just can't read. Everyone knows I don't let sewer rats run away. I nail them to the wall.
Have a fabulous night y'all!
With Love,

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Why Is It That I Want The Unattainable?

Another great weekend passes and a few more dates. Friday was somewhat unexpected...I figured it would be a slow night just relaxing at home but by 5 pm my phone was going crazy. I am guessing the holidays bring out the loneliness in people. I went on a couple great dates this month and even debated getting a little more serious with one of them. She was the one who mentioned "no attachments" from the start, and liked going out from time to time. She stated that she only wanted to "hang out" and enjoy some adult company here and there. It sounded perfect to me. Although I am thinking this may be the reason she interests me so much. I do crave the chase a little and enjoy winning any challenge put in front of me, but will I loose interest if she is willing to give more? I’m not sure...I often find myself looking for imperfections when a relationship could be obtained. Call me crazy, or maybe picky, but I look at everything from the moment I first meet someone. I add the minutes to return calls (it shows interest), the return texts, I listen to the voice, check out clothing, jewelry, watches, hair, nails, and so much more. I can read some people very well, even if they are dressed very casual. All of these things factor into my final decision-making process. At times I curse myself being so picky, but I know if I am bothered early, in the long run things won’t work. Everyone has something they dislike about their partner, but with time these things either lessen or there are so many other things that make up for those little unimportant issues. I don't know about you but I just know as soon as I meet someone new, whether it is relationship material or not. Enough about that, let's go back to Friday night. I hadn't made plans prior so my weekend was open. I get a text from my weekly masseuse. "You busy?" hmmm, this was somewhat strange to me. I had already been there earlier in the week and wasn't set to return until next week. "No, I am not busy, what's up?" (I have been asking her out from the day I met her). She always said, "Thanks for the offer but I don’t date clients". She then asked If I could do a huge favor, she was hungry and wondered if I was close. I was actually 5 minutes away from the establishment so I thought this could be my "in". Sure I said I would pick something up for you. When I brought the food, she asked if I had plans for the night. I replied "no". She then asked if I would like to go to a party with her...Hell yea!! This was my opportunity to finally talk outside of work. We met, dropped of her car, and headed out. She didn't stop smiling the minute we left. I was the same, and still smile as I think of her. We had a wonderful night, shared a few kisses and she initiated 75% of it. I do enjoy it when a woman makes a first move, and especially in this case. I had thought I was just company and going as "friends" but when she put my hand on her knee, I was very happy. I am a gentleman and I do make a move when it feels right, but I had mixed signals from day one, so I totally respected her decisions. The night ended and I went home thinking of what might be our next date. On the way home I sent "thanks for the wonderful evening, I really enjoyed your company". I usually do this when I am really into someone. Then the games begin...
The following day she called and told me she had a great time as well. But now things get confusing. I knew she had plans for the following day so I called and left a message hoping she enjoys her day. No return text or call that day. Weird?? But I know all about these games so I didn't think too much into it. Until we texted back and forth and every time I bring up "When can I see you again?" I get a no response. So this is somewhat confusing!
On to the next evening...I set up another date (a meet & greet) to see if there is a connection with someone I met online. We met and I noticed closed off body language, checking the phone, and looking at her watch. Right there I knew her interest level was low, or so I thought. We had a few drinks, had some forced conversation, and were on our ways. The next morning she apologized for checking her phone and explained that her ex was sitting a few tables away. I totally understood and we may go out again.
Sunday: Yet another "meet & greet". I decided on a daytime meet. I knew she was interested in boats, so I got tickets for the boat show. We met there and right from the start had excellent conversation. She was very down to earth and no forced conversation needed. I had a great time and think we will plan a date for next weekend.
With all three dates I am still interested in the hard to get...The one's who challenge me, the one's I can't read, the one's who leave me craving more. Why is it that I want the unattainable? Is it natural? We all say we are "tired of the games”, but the reality is the games sometimes keep us wanting more. This damn-dating world has changed so much and become difficult to find quality or genuine people. I would drop everything to find the one who is right for me...but until then, the journey continues.
The Man