Monday, January 31, 2011

Footprints on the Soul of Sand

Peace Out Love is my motto these days. I've given up on trying to understand men. It's easier that way. I no longer over think or for that matter really think about what if or maybe he meant this or why isn't he paying attention to me. I've decided to just do what I want and if a guy doesn't piss me off and likes what I'm doing then whatever happens happens.
This week will be the ten month anniversary of Love Bites. It's a bit surreal how quickly the days and months has gone by. Life off screen is a whole new book in the making which at times makes it's difficult to think of new and exciting topics to write about on here.
What will you be remember for? I find myself pondering my legacy. Perhaps a bit dramatic and fancy a term given I'm not even thirty yet, but the idea that what you are doing now can leave a permanent footprint for years to come.
I turn twenty nine in a couple months and while I'm still considered a youngster I find common ground more enough with middle aged and AARP old farts. Not sure what that says about me, but I find most people my age are immature and narrow minded.
I'm a risk taker. I'm a bag of worms. I'm a bit dangerous and a whole lot of crazy. Which makes life so much more exciting and fun.
So back to the idea of legacy. When you leave what will stay? What will others remember about who you were? Will your dream continue to grow or will there be a celebration now that you are gone?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Words of Wisdom

I am just so amazed at how many readers there are now! I often go through phases where I date A LOT, and other times I "pass time with someone", and other times I lead the life as a pornstar(check out "Candyland" in June 2010). I am the type of guy who has fun and enjoys making others laugh. There's never a dull moment with me. You've seen my sensitive side, my honesty, and a touch of my humor. I was asked to share a little about my bachelor lifestyle.
First off, let me explain where I have been recently. I was dating(sleeping with) a few different women until I met "The Attorney". We have been talking for about a month and things are going ok, but it takes time to get to know someone....and I sure do find some weird ones at times. I would say she's "normal", what I mean by this is: great job, owns her own place, stable lifestyle, dresses nice, and so on. I on the other hand am a hand-full. I am all over the place, wear whatever I am in the mood for, eat whenever im hungry, and never had to follow any order or rules. Some would say I am the "bad boy" type. Im guessing the attraction at first was that I was different from the norm. Here lies the issue....She is way to clean-cut for me! no dark side, talks like a Hallmark card, drinks (1-2) drinks, goes home on time, and everything is in perfect order. The plans for the weekend are written out a week before hand, and so on...Here's where it gets even more trickier... she mentioned it had been a while since her last boyfriend (or better yet anything). I then asked "how long?", she just replied "After being with someone, I take time off to totally clear my mind of them". Little did I know she was a born-again-virgin!!! Shit, I sure can pick em'! Let's just said the first kiss took 2 weeks(not my style). I was very scared when things were progressing this slowly so I mentioned my concern. I told her "what if I wait however long it is, and not like it then?" I mean really...... sex is important in a relationship. Well....after a month, we did "it". I wasn't impressed at all. But how was she to know sex is easy for me to obtain? to her it was "something special". Well sex is "special", but damn! the next morning she says " I really wanted to wait until we "MADE LOVE" hmmmm.... (I threw up in my mouth a lil') did she expect me to fall "in love" before having sex? YUP! she sure did. To add to the pressure, she then said she was ready to give up on men until I came along.GEEZ!! kill me now!! WTF! she stated she had been hurt too bad and hadn't been with someone in a few years. F'n A! a few years???? holy shit! good thing she didn't ask how long it had been for me. I am now at a point I don't even want to have sex with her again. She made it too "special". I have heard a million times "If I had a dick, I would put it everywhere!" Women have said this to me all the time. Well, I took their advice. No, im not just going around sticking it in everything, but a few one-nighters are fun, and at times, just what the doctor ordered. I sure wish more women would realize TO MEN SEX IS AN ACT TO FULFILL A NEED, NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO MARRY YOU, OR TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITH YOU. Well, with this said, I sure am missing my old dating life. I got laid when I wanted to, ate when I wanted to, and set the rules. If I wanted to go out with you, I would. If I wanted someone else, they understood. I had a great group of women who "enjoyed my company", but recently iv'e neglected them because I was trying to do the "relationship" thing....It sucks!
"Once upon a time and Happily ever after" is for fairytales. Why not just enjoy life to the fullest, with whomever makes you the happiest. Block off those feeling for a little while and just have a kick ass time you will remember for a lifetime. As long as you protect yourself (condom and heart) you can't loose! I have been sitting back reading the comments and I must say..... get out there and fuck someone else and forget the dude that fucked up your head! Most guys will say anything to get laid, reverse the role for once. Go get him, do what you want, and go home laughing! Add up all those nights sitting home crying about the past, and you will realize he moved on. I once heard "the best way to get over a guy, is to get under another"....For Christ sake use those tissues to clean up the wet spot leftover from an amazing encounter, instead of for crying. Sorry to put it that way but all I have been hearing is woe is me, I want him back, he doesn't care. Nope he doesn't care, he's screwing someone else, and probably fucking up someone else's head.
The Man

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Curtain Call

If the dance is where you get seduced I think we need a refresher course or are we dancing to a silent beat? It's much easier to let life be and go with the flow. But, the groundhog nature of the daily grind makes life feel more like a long and painful death than chapters of happiness.
I keep to myself more often these days because I figure the fewer people I allow in the less possible chances I have to get stabbed in the heart.
Which also doesn't make for much in the writing department. I have been spending much of my lonely nights sketching up designs and ideas for the new site and clothing. I don't know what I would do without this pet project. It seems to be the only thing that causes me happiness and a smile these days.
We have learned how to be together without actually being together or speaking. Which is much easier to do than I imagined, yet much more frustrating and questionable. At a certain point the desire and interest expired and the burden of knowing and not knowing was thrown out. Almost as quickly as the burning candle was lit.
I fear opening the box again because the contents have changed. Rejection at this stage very well might destroy me. But, why I wonder. Do I fear being alone? Did I let go of the rope too quickly or has the show made its final curtain call?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sticks and Stones

"You’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Who do you think you are?"
- Christina Perri

Everyone has a way of picking sides, whether they realize it or not. Making decisions based on rumor and fiction. The truth to them is non negotiable. Which catches you by surprise because obviously if they listened to everything said and saw all there was to see without preconceptions they too would be apologizing. Instead your life gets turned upside down and you become the victim of verbal abuse and repeatedly told that you are the one with problems. There is only so much one can take before they start to crack and melt inside.
The cycle of blame continues and eventually you learn to just stay quiet and not participate in the destruction. You learn the only way to stay sane in the midst of insanity is to find an outlet for your pain. Which usually causes more sticks and stones to pile up.
You start to replay the still moments of your past together to find a clue. Mixed in are the happy memories, when you really were in love. However, what sticks out is the addiction and years of standing by and defending a person who it turns out would leave you standing in the rain for the next quick fix.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

March of Hearts

The road back home is the greatest journey. You learn who is weak, who is stubborn, who is strong and who is brave. Not everyone who started the march with you remains, many more have joined in the search and many more are just beginning the hike.
I could walk away today from this life I created and never look back. I use to feel defined by my material possessions, but now when I look around at all the fancy objects that once portrayed who I was to the outside world it means nothing. What justifies me now is this desire and passion to keep opening new doors. To keep redefining what can and can't be accomplished. Maybe nothing becomes of this. Maybe the house clears me out, but as crazy as it sounds my inner voice keeps telling me not to stop reaching for the stars.
If we keep following our heart, sometimes we discover a path that no longer is a dead end detour. The stubborn few who once were my closest admirers have been written out of the script. I can only hope one day they see the reality from a different view.
Keep following your dreams and love life for all the punches and curve balls it throws at you. If you can survive the war you can conquer just about anything. Don't let the haters on the sidelines get you down. They aren't worthy of your love. Keep moving forward and when you look back on the life once lived be thankful for the broken hearts and sleepless nights. Without those trails and tribulations you wouldn't be the stronger, wiser person you are today.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cocktails of Hate

I wonder why the disease only comes out after dark. Why I'm the only one to once again see the screws come out. No wonder Intervention is your favorite show. It's the story of your life, but nothing done or said in these four walls will ever be recorded. So once again it's my word against yours and I've never been included in the inner circle.
But, here's the thing if you think this childish behavior will win you another round in the ring you are mistaken. I use to laugh when you fell down and were mumbling, but it's no longer funny. Your words and actions no longer hurt. If anything they are my motivation to keep following my heart and building my own road home.

"You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me,
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like I’m nothing.
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded.
You, pickin’ on the weaker man.

Well you can take me down,
With just one single blow.
But you don’t know, what you don’t know,

Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.

Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me,
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean.
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar,
Talking over a football game,
With that same big loud opinion but,
Nobody’s listening,
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things,
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing.

But all you are is mean,
All you are is mean.
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life,
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean"
- Taylor Swift

Monday, January 17, 2011

Angel of Mercy

You will have the same thing thrown back in your face repeatedly until you realize the lesson, grow from it, and finally move on....
Again I find myself questioning the past. Which I realize is a waste of time, but nonetheless I continue to take apart the pieces of my life and poorly put them back together again. If we stupidly hold out hope that our possible great love can change they never were so great after all. A quick fix will only temporarily cure the ailment. The disease will continue to spread until it's all consuming. The little quirks that once made you laugh now sound like fingernails on a chalkboard.
All I wanted to know all I wanted to feel was your love. But, what I've come to understand is a puzzle. I'm not a mind reader and I don't want to continue holding out hope for someone who seems far from interested in the prospect of being with me. I wonder what is real and what is a daydream.
So we say we will take another chance at this love bug. Question is how do you expect to accomplish this when all you do is laugh out loud to yourself, talk out loud to yourself in hopes that I will make a comment and blast horrible eighties music out of spite. Have you learned nothing?
It seems to me that we would have died regardless of the bumps. There is a point in every relationship where the truth finally comes out. Where the deal breaker questions are asked and answered. This is when the disease finally kills you.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Where Did We Go Wrong?

Maybe there is common ground still between us. Maybe we still have a fighting chance or maybe we built our budding romance up so high and so quickly that it became this ridiculous fantasy. The reality is far from sexy. On it's own it very well may fade out. But, I would rather discover that through trial and error than in a war of words.
I don't know what the situation is with relocating and quite frankly I don't get why that suddenly is the deal breaker. After everything that has gone done in recent months I feel like we lost sight of what initially was the spark.
So while I would love to start over with a clean slate can we really forget all the hurtful and emotionally fueled words thrown back and forth? Can we really pretend that everything that did unfold in the brief period since we met was simply water under the bridge?
What if the glimpse of hate was just the icing on the cake and everything that seemed so blissful was the real lie.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Creative Dreams Come True

The Internet is a pretty scary invention if mishandled. While the benefits of being able to stay in touch with loved ones are amazing it is what you find when you weren't looking for it that can at times surprise you.
People could and go from our lives. Many get lost along the way, a handful stay dear to our hearts, and a few still spook us no matter how many years pass.
The question I keep asking myself these days isn't what caused the cold shoulder and silent treatment. That no longer is a concern or care as M and company seems more like a Dateline story I once watched about scam artists. I laugh now and in many ways want to thank M and company for their stupidity and careless mutual decision to stay silent for so long. If I had gotten a response in the beginning Love Bites most likely never would have started and I never would have gained an international group of new friends.
Looking back at the beginning months of Love Bites and where I'm at now I honestly wouldn't recognize the person I use to be. Sure I look the same physically, but mentally I feel like I've survived a war.
What bothers me now is why did I react as I did? Why did I put trust and faith in cold hearted and ignorant people who still can't spell? Why did I welcome someone who already had a track record of being a total asshole back into my life? What the hell was I thinking? Why did I not think it was odd to be introduced to the wife? What was I hoping to gain out of the reconnection? People like M never change. People like M are why so many women guard their hearts and test men with their own mind games.
Sure I'm trying to prove a point and it would seem certain people listened to my words. Congratulations for stepping outside the corporate box and taking a risk. Funny how seemingly simple decisions turn out to be life changing ones. I wish you success with your new endeavor.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Nutter Butter

I must be strong. I must not cave in now and end up looking like a desperate nut. Although it might be too late. I already have accomplished acting like a crazy bitch. But, in my defense I had every right to keep questioning. If my actions and words are now being considered sticks and stones I really don't know what to say.
You stopped writing on here many moons ago and apparently lost interest in my words too. Why you now suddenly find the need to catch up on the story of my life puzzles me.
I am just as disappointed as you are. The reaction I got from you is far from what I had expected. I can no longer pour my heart out to a deaf audience.
So I'm going to laugh at my own expense. I seem to be the symbol of everything not to do in a relationship if you have hopes of staying in a relationship. I walk a fine line these days chasing someone who is becoming a ghost while trying to maintain an exterior of a successful and fabulous woman. Of course I must point out there is much about my personal life I have omitted from discussing on here.
There is a pattern I see developing, jumping from one seemingly normal guy (who later broke my heart) to another seemingly normal guy (who also betrayed me). However, this time around I have to wonder who is really to blame for the fall out.
Some people date for years before discussing the M word. So why after only a few months did I become so attached and serious about a guy I hardly knew?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Bridget Jones Diary

I am Bridget Jones or at least for the moment I feel like I'm playing out the final screen of the movie. Diary discovered, flip back a few pages to a moment of PMS and off he goes into the cold winter night. Morning has come and yet no sign of him still. Story developing...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Relationship Limbo

The Internet has become a Russian roulette. I find myself spending my free time checking my emails and crossing my fingers that he will write me again. Yet, as the days go by, the waiting game continues to do a mental number on my mind. I find comfort in reading the comments on our fan page from lots of other seemingly fabulous women who also find themselves in relationship limbo. It is a much needed jolt of reality. I don't need a man to be whole. Yes, it would be nice to have a spouse to enjoy my free time with, but life is just as much fun without a backseat driver.
Was it ever really love? I don’t know. I tend to believe that if someone really, truly loves you that they will be by your side whenever life gets complicated. There maybe disagreements and fights, but you will eventually make up. If there never was love it is so easy to walk away in the sunset and never look back.
I will not make the mistake of holding out hope any longer. I will not write any more notes attempting to explain myself and expressing my feelings in an over the top Notebook way. This is not me. Yet this is exactly what I have been doing. I will respond if he decides to contact me again. But, I must prepare myself for the fact that he very well may have deleted me without a thought or answer. In which case I will find myself forever wondering what the hell was it all about.
A part of me would be crushed if he has moved on. But, I've done pretty good so far making peace with my past.

Damaged Goods

Damaged goods may refer to:
* A damaged good, a good that has been deliberately reduced in quality or performance for marketing reasons
* A person who has an unresolved conflict of emotions after a traumatic event
Damaged goods means different things to different people. But the most common two uses would be these:

1. Someone who has serious emotional issues that make it impossible to carry on a normal relationship with them. For example, someone who's been manipulated by her loved ones a lot and is now looking to get into a relationship just so that she can hurt someone back. Another example would be a girl who is so into her good looks that she thinks that everyone exists only for her pleasure and will use you and throw you away.

2. Someone who's slept around a lot and because of that is either a health risk or again, an emotional risk because she doesn't understand what a real relationship looks like.

But this is the part that annoys me: people saying a single mom is damaged goods. First off, most single moms didn’t choose to be “single” mommies — quite a few were in committed relationships when they decided to have a child (or children) with their mates and, due to varying circumstances, relationships crumbled and they parted ways with kids’ /father(s). They could’ve stayed with these men and lived unhappy lives of emptiness and dissatisfaction, but decided they deserved better, that their kids deserved better. Single mothers are STRONG and that should be applauded, not mocked. You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, some of us just have a hut and a friggin’ tiki torch and we’re making it work.

All y’all talking smack about not dating single moms, let me tell you something. One day, you may get married, have kids, get divorced and end up a single dad. You may accidentally get a girl pregnant and wind up a father. Hell, you may have a long-lasting relationship, father some kids, and then end up single again. Life throws you curveballs. It is what it is.

I/myself was one of these when I was younger, but have learned many things through the years. These are some of the most giving women you will ever meet. When given the choice between a 20 something party animal(without kids), or a 30 something (with a kid) I would choose the one with a kid. I am saying this because I am looking for a "relationship" not just a "fun girl". But I do hold reservations to the amount of children they have, and also the ages of the kids. I am aware one day I will hear those dreaded words "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY, YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO" and although it would piss me off, especially if I have given up my lifestyle to raise this child, I do know it will happen.

I have been sitting back recently and just been reading the words most of you have been commenting. I have noticed, and I'm sure you have too, that mostly WOMEN are the ones wanting that old relationship back. I understand you have been hurt, but don't become "damaged goods". There are many great guys out there, and we can read this very well. If you often wonder what scared him off....... look how you speak about your past relationships! We don't want to be another JSR!!! I say this because many dwell on the past and bring all those trust issues to the future relationships. He's not the same guy, give him a chance before putting him in that category!

We've all been burned by men and women in our lives. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the reputation of men everywhere for you. Here's the things you need to remember to keep yourself thinking clearly around the other sex.
Recognize that men and women are different in some very fundamental ways. Men are physically stronger than women, often times larger than women, and more prone to using their physical strength due to their capabilities and the levels of testosterone in their bodies. This is no excuse for them to use it inappropriately, but it does need recognition. Also realize that men are simply hardwired differently than women.

Recognize that men are intelligent creatures and have similar hopes and ambitions as women. Most men want to have a good, steady job; they want a family and a solid lifestyle. Some have hobbies they want to support; others are happiest just to support their families and their wives' hobbies.

Realize that the jerk who did ______(fill in your own blank) to you is the minority, not the majority. Most men in developed nations have just as much respect for women as they do other men. They are around women constantly in the workplace, at school, and elsewhere, and recognize that as children, they had classmates who were far superior in intelligence to them that are female, and probably have co-workers or bosses who are also very savvy in the workplace and whom they come to for guidance, direction, and support.

Yes, men think about sex. A lot. But that doesn't mean that's all they think about. If that was their only capability, we'd have had a far greater number of female rulers throughout history, as men's minds would be occupied elsewhere. Most mature men have these thoughts, but it doesn't mean that they can't control these thoughts or that these thoughts get in the way of their everyday lifestyle. On the simple end, they can still cook, drive, mow the lawn, and check their email. On the more complex end, they can hold conversations, persuade or inform people, make huge scientific advances, teach classes, fix your broken car, negotiate with people in other countries, save lives by performing heart surgeries, make enormous business transactions, and all sorts of other things that men do on a daily basis. In fact, they can do just about anything a woman can do, with the exception of certain gender-based inabilities such as child birth.

Find men who share your interests and beliefs to spend time with. Talk to them; get to know them as much as you both feel is appropriate for the situation. You'll find you both share excitement and enthusiasm about the same types of things, and that men can actually care about something other than themselves. At the same time, let go of old male "friends" who demean you or hurt you in any way.

Communicate with other women who have positive experiences with men. Being with a group of women who all hate men won't help you get over your prejudice. Start to talk to happily married women, or women in long-term stable unabusive relationships . They'll be able to keep your attitude positive about men. Don't join the "MAN HATER BAND-WAGON"

Finally, if you think you're starting out alright and then something happens that throws off your view, take a deep breath and let it go. Remember that not all men are like that---most aren't. Most won't even begin to understand how another man could hit a woman, make an embarrassing sexual comment in public, touch you inappropriately, or likewise. Remember---there are women out there that do the same thing. Do you know why? Neither do I. We are not all the same!
The Man

Sunday, January 9, 2011

My So Called Life

The weak are being separated from the brave. Old and new will merge one day and try to stay within arms reach. Perhaps I was a fool to speak my mind and trust my so-called friends. This blog will be the kiss of the death for many. Good ridden as I refuse to continue justifying my choices to such narrow-minded hillbillies.
All you hear is one side of the story. You never cared to know what was going on behind closed doors. Shame on you for jumping to conclusions. I can only imagine the conversations at the holidays. I must be the juiciest gossip story to hit the southern bell.
It is what it is. Life goes on, plans will be made, vacations booked, boxes packed up and shipped out, but it won't change what can never be helped.
It started out so innocently and sweet, but then the lies started to pile up and by the time the truth was exposed you had drove me away. We jumped back in without a thought and it was fabulous for longer than most ever bet. I don't care who is right or wrong anymore. There is nothing more to say. You won't compromise and you refuse to see the world from my eyes. Guess it never was love, just another impulsive addiction.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Harping For Harmony

This will be the last blog I write about the ex-files. My New Year's resolution is to stop harping on the people that caused me pain and confusion. So no more Andy, no more McDreamy and while I'm at it no more romance relationships period. I'll done giving my all at the hope of a long lasting and meaningful relationship. Given my track record with men I'm clearly not good at picking out the good seeds.
The long distance thing is not for me. I need a guy who is a phone call away. Someone who gets me and accepts me with all my baggage and flaws. Maybe we will speak again, maybe we will meet again, but for now I must move on and follow my heart. I will not shut the door on McDreamy; if he wants to try again some day I will seriously consider the offer. But, honestly how can it really work? Like you said you're an extremely busy and important person and I'm just the girl with a delusional idea.
I think you lost interest long before we got here. The games stopped a while back and maybe you took my responses to particular questions completely wrong. I wish we could start over, but I get the feeling to many buttons have been pushed and I don't even know why.
It never had to do with what it ultimately became about. Maybe what I need now is something you can't be or maybe it could be something great. I've never not wanted the cake.
The seasons have changed since we last spoke, but all I can think about is the summer.
With Love,

Friday, January 7, 2011


Brace yourself for the end. It will hit you like a ton of bricks. Looking back now I was naive to believe his words. Once again the teacups are spinning out of control and ultimately crashing into one another.
I want my life back, even with all the craziness it brought. There was at least a common goal and a common belief. Now my world has a void that can't be filled.
Not to long ago I would awake to a flirty and sweet message from McDreamy (I know the nickname is completely cheesy, but it's to late now to change it)
While glancing thru the stats today I noticed someone was reading an entry from back in September titled "Summer is Forever" written by you know who.
I question everything now, but I know I can't continue to pick at someone who refuses to acknowledge me as an equal and continues to insult anything that is foreign to him.

Below is the post McDreamy wrote in the fall.

Summer is Forever

It was by chance that we met. Maybe we were two lonely hearts reaching out for some comfort. Whatever is was, it has grown. Summer is always on my mind. Though I admit that we don't get to speak enough, my memories of the times we shared, keeps her close to me. Summer is a talker, very opinionated and many times even dark. We laugh about it all the time, how sometimes dark her views are, where mine are the opposite. Have we then created a seemingly perfect equilibrium, maybe it's too early to tell? It feels like I just met her yesterday, the carts colliding, the numerous apologies, the exchanges of nervous smiles, and finally the number exchange. I can still remember staring into her gorgeous eyes mesmerized. The memories are fresh, her gentle touch, her reassuring smile, and her intoxicating laugh. Were the odds stacked against us from the start? Maybe, but we've done well so far.
Summer is the perfect catch. Successful, focused, intellectual, articulate and mesmerizingly gorgeous. Discussions with her are always intriguing, she will never let you win an argument, but she will give that sinister smile to let you know that she will agree to disagree. But it was her stark beauty that first caught my attention. Flawless skin, striking facial bone structure, tender pink lips and those inviting eyes.
But nothing can discount how much we have shared in such a short time. Traveling back and forth just to spend a few precious moments with each other was time well spent. It seemed like we never slept when we were together, time was precious. We still have a fighting chance distance has grown less significant. We communicate more daily that most married couples. Both our days are filled with good and bad, but we share them all. My affection for Summer grows exponentially with each word shared, we have reached the cross roads and our journey continues. Autumn is upon us, but for me Summer is where I will forever be.

Where has the summer loving gone?

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Just because you apologize doesn't mean all will end well. Maybe it wasn't love after all, just another lie overlooked because we still believed in love.
Everyone has a choice. Do well, be good, make mistakes, and correct your errors. I no longer care what people think or say about me. There was a point where I so desperately wanted people to like me, but as time goes by I really don't care. Maybe my approach is at times crossing the border and for some too much to handle. That's okay of course as I'm not here to win you over. I'm here for me and I will continue to be here for just me. Sure it's nice to see that others take time out of their day to read our blog and even email us with kind words, but even if no one were reading this blog I would still be writing and speaking my mind.
Maybe my ways of handling issues are for some extreme, but such is most of my life. I challenge myself everyday to learn something and accept others just the way they are.
I see a pattern here and while it's easier to put the blame on me I know it's not completely my fault. Errors were made by many, corrections by few, lessons learned and life goes on. We are who we are.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dazed and Confused

Do I have a classified ad listing that I'm unaware of? I figure it must read something like this:

"Successful, charming, thirty something, blond haired, blue eyed beauty desperately seeking all recovering drug addicts, alcoholics, workaholics, control freaks and closet gays for a drama filled, verbal abuse relationship of love."

Money and power can buy you a fancy car and a designer closet of electronic gadgets, but clearly it doesn't teach you manners. I thought I had finally found a "normal" guy, dare I say a great catch. But, I was a fool to believe that someone could fall hard so quick and really be flawless.
Of all the people I never ever thought McDreamy would break my heart. Given everything that he had witnessed and heard about. (Probably shouldn't have given him that nickname to start with) But, once again I am dazed and confused by men. Do you really want to become the next JSR?
From the start I should have known better. This dream was nothing more than a delusion that I so desperately wanted to come true. I am thankful we met and I will forever remember our brief time together. I've learned a great deal about myself and about respecting and understanding those with different backgrounds and beliefs. But, I will not compromise on my dreams and I will not let anybody stand in my way. I have never made a joint decision and I will never ask permission to live my life as I see fit.
I will not take the blame for the twisted web of words that caused the silence. So walk away now. Take the easy way out. I'll stay behind and do damage control. Why you can't acknowledge my words is very bizarre and not fair.
Are you a pickup artist or just another cold-hearted asshole?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Jack In a Box

Maybe that whole love thing is just a grown up version of Santa Claus, just a myth we’ve been fed since childhood so we keep buying magazines, and joining clubs, and doing therapy, and watching movies with hip-hop songs played over love montages - all in this pathetic attempt to explain why our Love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.” - Meg Ryan in Kate and Leopold

You're asking me to give up my freedom, my joie de vivre, for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? Without warning you pull the rug from underneath me. Had I really become so sure of myself and the people in my inner circle that I forgot to look both ways? The last few weeks I have been in a fog perhaps putting too much focus and attention on seemingly unimportant matters. As a result I saw people and places in a dark light. Gone were all the pleasant memories. In exchange I was left with a lump of coal and a permanent reminder of a life once lived.
Maybe I had been the only clueless cast member. Continuing to go on and on about someone who never deserved a breath. More questions have been left unanswered and as the New Year begins I once again find myself returning to therapy. Life hasn’t changed much I guess.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Spelling Bee

The best gamer is the one you never see coming. Afterwards you reflect on the winning and losing plays with a dumbfounded calm. The ball had never been in my court. There never was love. There never was hope. There never was a future. It was all a lie. Did you get what you wanted out of the game? Are you happy with your trophy?
That's right. Walk away now. You are no different than the rest. You say you are, but now you stand alone at the top of the class. I should have known better than to believe your words and dreams. I hate myself now, because I see it for what it was. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.
I am confused by your words. Confused by your actions. Confused by everything. Silence is the cowardly way out and that's fine. You don't want to piece back together this. There never was a we anyhow really. My mistake again.
What more can I compromise on? I'm not the one who can't think outside the box. Who can't be free. Life can't always go your way. There must be compromise. Once you get to know a person, maybe you don't like the details and that is fine, but at least say it. I am not a plain Jane. I will never be a plain Jane. I have an outspoken personality and I will fight for what I believe in. If that is uncomfortable for you just say it.
I wish you the best wherever your travels may take you.
With Love,


2010 was definitely a year filled with more darkness than smiles and sunrises. Yesterday I was carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders. Remember all that was lost, broken and forgotten in the past 365 days.
I fell asleep at ten o'clock last night at peace with the year that was now behind me and hopeful for the sublime happiness that awaits in 2011. It will not be a straight road to paradise. If I have learned nothing from the last year it is that everything comes at a price. Pick correctly and be strong enough to face the consequences of foolish choices.
There are cardinal rules when it comes to love and life, whether it is a romantic relationship or a business partner. Basic practices to remember and use as reference to remind you not to detour off track. Easier said than done of course. Had I followed the code of, he's just not that into you, I could have avoided many of the events that have occurred.
At what point he lost interest or for that matter why I do not know. Maybe I expect too much from people and believe that a simple "Hi" or "Good Morning/Evening" is part of the daily routine. If this simple gesture is asking for too much than what is left?
Unless it's spelled out for me I will keep pushing for an answer. If I get nothing in return I will get more upset. Perhaps, it was at this point a few months ago that the warning signs happened. Life became complicated and chaotic and the once carefree and happy notes had quickly become short and open to interpretation.
Had we already run the course and lost the race? Or were we in a timeout? Why so anger? Why so quick to judge? Why so hot and cold?
Let's get a few things clear here. I did not defriend you. I deactivated my account. There is a difference. I did not block you. Before fb people communicated via email and before that there was the telephone and pony express. All of which are still excellent ways to stay in touch with me. Deactivating my account had nothing to do with you. I need a detox from my fake friends and their games. Second, I am changing my phone number again not because of you. If you took a second out of your super busy life you might learn a thing or two about my equally super busy and chaotic life. Before you jump to conclusions about my words on the screen ask me a question without an attitude. Third, what is your deal man? Spit it out already.
Happy New Year Everyone!!
Summer (SP)