Saturday, July 17, 2010


I never meant for it to end like this. I was naive to think we would stay friends. I had broken his heart too many times, he deserved better. I was a repeat offender and I hated myself for causing him so much pain. I wasn't suppose to fall for him, but before I knew what was happening I was submerged in an emotional affair so intense that I couldn't walk away. I wanted more, I needed more and yet as the days went by and the content and volume of correspondence intensified it became harder to see past the momentary bliss and be aware of the trauma and drama that was bound to blow up in my face.
I couldn't walk away now I was in too deep and I was addicted to the lust and attention. Until the day the walls came crashing down. I knew the final storm was looming for weeks and yet when the thunderstorm finally hit I was surprised. I didn't cry, I was calm; the shock remained for days after.
I was the villain and I deserved all the harsh words and yelling thrown at me. As painful a decision I knew it was for the best. For the first time in too long I was at peace, the future was no longer a dead end road but instantly became a highway with seemingly endless possibilities.
I use to be in love with him, madly in love and now I would always be remembered as the one that broke his heart that killed the dream. Even after all the lies and screaming matches he still was madly in love with me. I wish he had fallen out of love, and then maybe death wouldn't have seemed so bad. I still loved him, always will but I was no longer in love him, I wish I still was. I wish I knew why I had fallen out of love and why I couldn't find it in me to try harder to repair the damage. But, what happened wasn't fixable I had come to that conclusion months ago.
As D said shortly after I broke the news, "You seem to pick the fixer uppers, the clean shaven, muscular, tattooed bad boys. Clearly that's not working for you. Maybe, you need to look in the opposite direction and find yourself a suit man, a Mr. Big (minus all the commitment issues)"
I had two very different "prince charmings" offering me two very different futures. Someone was going to get hurt and then I took a giant leap of fate and accepted a proposal from a man I barely knew.

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