Tuesday, August 30, 2011

To Follow or Not To Follow

Yesterday's blog from the Queen of Mean got me thinking about my ex-files. I am still friends with my exes, with the exception of three. Of course none of them live in the same state and I haven't actually seen any in person since we broke up, but occasionally we chat on facebook. All of my exes (that I'm friends with) are now married with kids and when we broke up it was a mutual decision, mostly due to someone moving away for work.

The three I am not friends with are the ones that in hindsight were doomed relationships from the start. For starters there was MF who has become the mascot of all JSR douche bag exes. In the rulebook of manners and plain old common sense he managed to royally fuck up being friends and then some. The only good thing to come out of briefly being friends with him again is Love Bites. It just took someone to piss me off beyond what I ever thought was possible.

The second ex is someone I still have contact with, but not by choice these days. Thankfully we have come to a point now where we really just don't care about each other's personal lives. Which makes being civil possible for at least a few minutes.

The third ex I tried really hard to be friends with afterwards, but it was a one sided attempt to maintain a connection and friendship. Much like the short-lived relationship this too failed miserably.

One day we were the best of friends the next it was like we never knew each other. After a few months of space I was at a place where I didn't have any romantic feelings for him, but missed our witty banter. We were no longer friends on Facebook (my decision) and he had just started using Twitter so I became a follower of his. For me it was a harmless gesture meant to be like an olive branch. I don't know why it mattered so much, but I wanted him to 'follow' me back and the next day he did. Even though we hadn't spoken, I thought it was a step in the right direction.

If you follow Love Bites on Twitter (@LoveBitesMF) you know we tweet a lot and most of the time our tweets are silly. But, then again Twitter is a silly concept anyhow, so who cares.

For the first week I found myself basically cyber stalking his profile page. I don't know why or what exactly I was hoping to find. About a week later I noticed he had unfollowed my account without ever making contact. I had never tried to start a conversation, but now I was pissed off. Why even follow me in the first place? Why unfollow me? What did I do? (But, much like how we ended I never found out and honestly I don't care anymore. Our personalities are worlds apart which at first was part of the attraction, but eventually it just become frustrating and annoying.)

I let it pass. It was a stupid idea to begin with. I wondered if that was the point of his silent gesture of f____you. To see how I would react. Because in the past I probably would have made a big deal about the seemingly innocent action. Instead I just continued along trying to forget about his sorry ass. Another couple weeks pass and one day I get an auto notice saying he was following me again. WTF I thought. Still didn't make contact, but now I did make sure at least one tweet made by me each day was secretly about him.

After a few days of spending way to much time thinking about him and wanting to talk to him I realized just how ridiculous and crazed I was making myself over someone who should mean nothing and whom I shouldn't be friends with anyhow. So I unfollowed him, stopped looking at his profile page completely, erased his phone number, blocked his email address and even though we haven't spoken I am finally at peace with the messy breakup and happy for him and whatever the future holds.

Maybe one day we will speak again, until then sleep well my friend.

Night y'all. I need my beauty sleep for Sin City. 6-day countdown to 72 hours of epic greatness recorded for the masses. Which will require 10 pairs of heels, 8 dresses, lots of jewels and 1 BFF. Something’s in life are priceless.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Friends with the Ex?

I realize I am not the first person to ask why we foolishly keep contact with our exes,but recently, something sparked my interest. My roommate told me a story about how she recently regretted keeping up a “friendship” with a guy she dated earlier this year. She went back and forth for a while about it, but ultimately figured out that it wasn’t worth her time—or emotion—to continue the relationship.

Personally, I have never been a fan of being “friends” with an ex-boyfriend. Let’s face it, how is it even possible? You meet, you date, you’re intimate, you fight, you break up (or for whatever reason—move, timing, etc.),and then you become friends? I don’t get it. As a result, I do not talk to, associate with, or keep the phone numbers of any of the men I’ve dated.

Until recently.

And surprise (!) it was a mistake. The long and short of it is this: we dated last summer for about two months. We had great chemistry, great sex, a lot in common,even shared some friends. Everyone thought we were so good together. So did I.

Well, he got a job offer in a city about 100 miles away, and accepted it. Obviously, we didn’t talk about it, because we were in the early stages of our relationship. I was sad, and we decided to try and make it work.

It didn’t. Are you shocked? He said he felt “pressure” to come visit me. Pressure? Didn’t he WANT to see me? I dumped him, and washed my hands of the situation.

Later, I found out that before he left, he had been talking to another girl who lived in the area, and whaddya know, about a month later, he updated his Facebook status to “In a relationship” with said girl. He was definitely willing to make the effort to come see her.

I got pissed, emailed him to say that he was a liar, a cheat, and a sleaze, and that I never, EVER wanted to talk to him again. Erase my phone number! Now. I unfriended him on FB, and again, washed my hands of it. This was about six months ago.

Then I started getting random texts from his number. I know it was him because of the area code, and the nature of the messages. I didn’t respond. Until the third one. At that point, I was “over” the whole situation, and I didn’t see the harm in communicating with him via text message. Well, guess what that led to? Yup, we ended up seeing each other about a month ago, and well, you know…

Was it worth it? In the moment, yes. Right now, not so much. And here’s why.
After I saw him, I started thinking about him. More than I wanted to. And we kept the texts up, and as a girl, being the way we are, I thought I kind of liked him again.

NO! I had to tell myself, no! It was just one night, it wasn’t a rekindling, it wasn’t a sign, or fate, or any of that shit. Why did I let myself slip? Why do girls do thisto themselves? And it really is us, ladies. WE do this. Men will go along with it because it’s NOT emotional for them. It’s just sex. And that’s where we are like night and day. And it’s also why exes should not be friends. It’s like trying to get democrats and republicans to agree on the debt crisis. (Hint, it’ll never happen.)

He is officially the second to last ex I have cut off contact with—for the second time now—and it’s worth my sanity, my sense of self, and let’s face it, it’s just the smartthing to do. Women supposedly have the upper hand in relationships—let’s prove that theory!

There is one more ex I still need to deal with, and he brought it on. Don’t worry, I will write it all down. ‘Til we meet again, reader. I’m not saying hold your breath,but it’s a doozy.
Queen of Mean

Monday, August 22, 2011

Queen of Mean

I must be the queen of random asshole-guy emails! This is hilarious. I wish I had met that guy so I could have slugged him in the eye! I have many a story to tell--including insight, wisdom, whatever you want to call it--and am happy to share. Glad you laughed! (read the blog titled Disclosure from July 2011)

I'm just a normal, intelligent, attractive, sports-loving, girl-next-door type, who's been burned more than I care to remember. I've been cheated on, lied to, left for no good reason at all, and called twice in the last few years by ex-boyfriends who are getting married. And they called to tell me that. I've dabbled in some online dating, which is where, by freak chance, I came to know one of the Love Bites writers. I'm not out for blood, but you know what they say, "what goes around, comes around."

Recently, I had a moment of weakness and rejoined a dating website. That lasted a week. I’ll tell you why.

I was pretty blunt about what I was looking for on my profile. I don’t want to date a slacker, a surfer, or a Starbucks barista. Is that really asking too much? Well, perhaps my honesty was my strongest and weakest point. I received over 800 “views” in that week, and approximately three emails I felt even warranted a response.

One gentleman, who seemed decent looking, educated, and employed, contacted me, so I emailed back.

He then asked to call me, because he preferred to talk than email. I was ok with that (note: I am still in my optimistic state of dating website renewal). We talked on Sunday afternoon, and agreed to meet on Thursday of that week. I had proposed Tuesday so that I could meet him and decide quickly if he was worth my time, but he shot that down. Thursday it was.

On Tuesday—my originally proposed meet date—he sent me a text in the afternoon. It was a picture. Of himself. Flying his Cessna. To Catalina.

Are you kidding me?

Not only was I not impressed, but what the hell? I talked to the guy once, and all of a sudden, he is updating me on every move he makes? Text: lunch on Catalina! Text: Catalina as I left it (picture, again). Um, excuse me, but I don’t even know you. And this was the day you couldn’t meet, because you had a date with YOURSELF?

Did I mention he told me he had been on that dating website for two-and-a-half years?!

I responded, politely, “fun day!”

The texts kept coming over the course of the evening and into Wednesday. I waited until the very last minute on Thursday to cancel our date. Especially considering I had gotten a text every morning that said, “Good morning, beautiful. Happy [fill in day].” Really? What do I even say to that? Oh wait, “I’VE NEVER MET YOU SO STOP TEXTING ME.”

The best one was (with an accompanying picture of himself, of course), “drinking coffee by the coast, hard life! LOL.” Oh, come on!

Needless to say, he kept on with the texts. I actually did have plans the next couple nights, so I legitimately couldn’t meet up with him, but at this point, I had already decided I didn’t want to meet him. The last text came in about 10 days after we never met, and I just deleted it.

Am I a bitch? No, but he certainly didn’t go about “pursuing” me in the right way. So men, don’t go crazy with the texts…especially if we’ve never met. If you want to see me, call me, ask nicely, and leave it at that. This isn’t a basketball game. Your self-righteous texts aren’t worth two points. They’re not even worth one.
Queen of Mean

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Cultural Differences

Whether we would like to admit it or not, we are all a product of the environment we grew up in. Our political view, religious belief and marital dreams are typically an example of our upbringing.
Like my parents I am a democrat. I am half Jewish, half Catholic. The last time I was in a temple was my Bat Mitzvah. I couldn't tell you when any religious holiday is or what it stands for, except Hanukkah and Christmas (selfishly it's all about the gifts). I have been in a church three times in my life for a total of one hour.
I played with G.I. Joe and Transformer toys when I was a child. I never had a Barbie doll, but I liked Rainbow Brite.
I've had the same last name for the last twenty-nine years and I don't intend to change it if I'm married. I have no desire to be a soccer mom or Stepford wife. Maybe one day if the timing is right I will get married, but it's not a priority and assuming there is a nanny involved I would like to have children one day.

The reason I bring up family and traditions is because I recently met a seemingly wonderful man. He was kind, affectionate, caring, generous, close to his family, was self employed, owned property, cars and was supposedly debt free.
He was born and raised in Europe and only moved to America six years ago. I have never dated a foreigner and was naive to the cultural differences and traditional beliefs. Which after spending more time with him became major turn offs. In addition to his serious case of OCD, belief that no woman can make his coffee the correct way, use of a handicap parking permit for no reason other than laziness, liked to gamble a lot and always started unnecessary arguments with wait staff.
Normally all these personality differences would have been the end all, but what actually turned me off the most was his family beliefs and traditional view towards marriage and kids.
Marriage was a mandatory for him. Ideally in the next year. Kids were an absolute. The husband is the head of the household and makes all the final decisions. While the wife stays at home with the kids and cleans and basically has to ask permission to drive the family car and is given a weekly salary which I have a feeling does not allow for Jimmy Choos.
There was also a long list of things I adored about him. But, the more I thought about it and the life I would be signing up for I realized it wasn't a life I ever wanted and why I even allowed myself to imagine it is a question for my therapist. So in the end it turns out I wasn't questioning the meaning of his 'maybe' response, but rather my own. Which ultimately turned into a 'no.'

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Yes, No, Maybe and Everything In Between

To judge someone from just the exterior and a few hours together over dinner or even just a couple dates isn't always the smartest choice either. At least that is what I would like to think.
I'm big into second chances these days. Sometimes people really are just having a bad day or in some cases have had a few too many drinks and they aren't the happiest of drunks.
I also believe that there is a reason for every obstacle we come across. It was during one of my recent conquests that I stumbled upon a detour. The younger version of me would have continued down the new road without thinking twice, but the older and seemingly less wiser version while intrigued with the possibility of being the exception was far more cautious and for good reason it would seem.
Does 'maybe' ever mean 'yes'?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Everything Ain't What It Seems

You will come to realize nothing lasts forever. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. Friends will disappear when you need them the most. Strangers will become acquaintances and if you allow people into your life you might be happily surprised when they help mend a broken heart.
Jump out of a plane. Fly across the country on a whim. Let the world gently guide you. But, remember this doesn't allow the words of those around you to change your future.
You will fall down more often than not. You will love and be loved. You will be disappointed at times and it's more likely that you will fail miserably than reach the top.
Be open to change. Be open to the unknown. Don't follow your heart if it only gets you buried alive. Follow your dream even if everyone bets against you. One day you will wake up and be laughing.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." — Maya Angelou

Is life all a matter of timing? and if you meet someone and have a connection how far would you travel for the possibility of love?

Losing it all is the easy part. Knowing when to walk away is the hard part. If we are willing to gamble away our hearts on a whim why do we so carelessly throw away what might be because of a sour first impression?
Are we too quick to judge someone based just from a brief conversation? Yet, to embarassed to admit our shame because our ego and pride are too big.

It's funny what you can learn about a person when you cross the line between strange and stranger. Some people come into our lives to push us to the next level. Use their knowledge to your advantage and absorb all you can. Their words will stay with you long after they are gone. We guard our hearts and make up seemingly ridiculous dating rules thinking that a glass heart is better than a shattered one.

As we close one chapter and start a new one we are reminded that the past no matter how deep we pack it away will never be forgotten. That shadows of our former reflection are mimicked in our new collection. That just when we think the ghosts have settled in six feet under, Freddy returns in a new body. The only difference is now we laugh instead of fear.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Two of a Kind

Last week I posted an email that was sent to me second hand by a guy I had started chatting with on an online dating site. Prior to receiving the message from the roommate I was thinking this guy seemed like a great catch. (If I've lost you - read the blog titled "Disclosure") Successful, funny, good looking and adventurous. Basically everything I am looking for if I was in the market for a relationship. (Which I still am) Of course I think this about 3 out of 5 guys every day online.
But, after reading the email it wasn't what the roommate wrote that shocked me so much, but rather what the guy wrote. There were a few lines that made me think there might be truth and reason for the date to be pissed off. But, what really puzzled me was why I had been the chosen recipient of the hilarious rant.
There was mention to a fancy sports car and a "super cool" home. Seemed more like the roommate and/or date were jealous, but then again maybe that was the point of him showing off his assets. A Honda would have worked just as well for transportation and probably would have saved gas money. But, I highly doubt an Accord would have the same "wow" factor of a Maserati or the chick magnet feature. So to say that you bought it just for the quality and craftsmanship is a lie.
Which got me thinking about material possessions and why as a society we are so money obsessed. Why are women willing to max out their credit cards to own the latest designer "it" bag or be a walking billboard for a brand? Is this any different that a man buying a flashy car or a big house?
First impressions will get you in the door. But, what happens when someone calls your bluff?

The Glass House

It's easy to summarize a person with a blink and 99% of the time your first impressions are correct. You can tell a lot about a person just by the way they dress, what type of car they drive, where they live, what they do for a living. But, if you judge a book by it's cover you might miss out on a fabulous journey.
If you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain. If you expect the unexpected and over think every word on the back cover you will miss out on the enjoyment of the unknown. Maybe the people who appear to have it all are the ones falling apart inside. Maybe the price of a ticket really is worth the price of happiness, when you live in a glass house.