Russian Roulette

The biggest change I have noticed during this trip isn't just that the ghosts are no longer a concern or for that matter a thought in my daily routine, but rather that for the first time I really feel like I am home. For so many years I had been chasing a man and a life I thought I wanted and never took a step back to reflect or question the man I had been flying to see.
It is always easier to judge people, relationships and situations when you aren’t emotionally entrapped in them. I’ve been the love guru for many and yet for too long I took my friends words of wisdom with a grain of salt.
In many ways I needed to hit emotional rock bottom in order to finally see the truth. All the pieces of the unsolved puzzle began to fit into place once I started writing and while I haven’t always liked the words my friends spoke I finally was able to understand the past. The unknown had for so long been sexy, but the bittersweet reality is far sexier. It’s impossible to really know what M was ever thinking, but thanks to my fabulous inner circle I have a far better answer than M could have ever given me.
If the house always wins, what's the point in gambling? Are we all playing Russian roulette? Hoping to hit it big, only to discover we are merely attempting to cheat death for a cheap trick. The gamble of playing with a fake deck for some is the allure. The chance to impress and cheat reality protects you from the depressing truth of your life. I’m no longer bitter and I’m no longer curious as to why. That’s the beauty of playing with an authentic deck, while it may take you almost ten years to come out of the mirage and chaos, when you do you win the jackpot. What you are playing for now is no longer the same. Thanks to the original gamble of the heart, the stakes now are higher and the risk has a far bigger pot of gold. But, unlike a vintage heirloom the illusive M has not gained value with time. Just like all fakes, overtime his craftsmanship has fallen apart and all that is left now is the illusion, which is now worth nothing.
Fear and status can consume a person when they are confronted with someone who has larger potential than they ever will. For some the jealously will forever eat at their core and in turn will destroy all contact with anyone who is on a different life path.
Some people settle for a life that may never have potential to be anything more than it already is. Yet, for some societies ideal is not perfect nor a life to aspire to.
Follow your heart, stand up for what you believe in and take your own path, always do what you want to do.
Hope everyone had a fabulous Fourth of July.
Kate