Saturday, July 31, 2010

Ding Dong

"I Love You,” why do these three little words have such a heavy weight on people? Really what does I love you mean? It's so fake and overused. Yes, I get the whole you're "the one" Love Affair with Warren Batten and Annette Bening and some might say I'm living in this fantasy bubble world playing out my own love at first sight movie. I suppose the same people who so desperately need to hear these words are the same ones who cling to their diamond ring and thank god everyday that someone was crazy enough to sign a contract with the state to live happily ever after with them. Why do people get married? To justify a relationship? To confirm on a piece of paper their love for one another? To seal the deal? (For whatever that's worth)
In just one year so much has changed and so much more is about to. In a million years I never would picture this twist and yet it feels so right. I hope it works out, I don't expect it to be smooth sailing. It would be naive of me to think it will be perfect. Some might say it's an impulsive decision.
I had time after time picked the same physical type; Caucasian, late thirties to early forties, well educated, workaholic and time after time I had been disappointed. So I broke from my traditional comfort zone and took a chance with the unknown.
As I sit here now, just a couple months later, I'm still in shock and perhaps a bit afraid that maybe we are moving to quickly being that we really don't know one another all that well. But, this time is different, I've been so sure of anything in my life as I am about making a serious commitment to a near stranger.
I'm copying Kate and following her recent decisions. Had I from day one stated the truth and not sugar coated the reality maybe then I wouldn't have gotten myself in a pickle on a dead end road.
Tomorrow marks the fifth month of Love Bites. In April and May our blogs were on the dark side, in June we had some soap opera drama with Mr. & Mrs. JSR discovering the blog and well let's just say they don't approve. But the nearly four thousands followers sure do. This past month was all about changes and confronting ghosts. As for August we thought it would be appropriate and in a way necessary now to spill our guts (cause clearly we haven't been doing that already) and talk about who we are and how we got here. Sure, you know about the breakups and heartache, but there was a time before the drama when life was well normal and when we weren't writing a blog or a book. So the theme for next month will be the back-story of our lives.

Why Am I Still Single?

Wow! Look at how many fans! I have been somewhat busy recently and haven’t had the motivation to write. Many of the new readers may not know who I am. Let me re-introduce myself. They call me "The Man", I am a thirty something, self-employed, some say cute, single guy who is out in the crazy dating world. I am very honest and sometimes write things that should never be talked about.... but you can say I am the type of person who says it like it is, doesn’t really care to be fake, or sugar coat things.
I was once writing frequently and somewhat hooked on telling others about my crazy dates. Recently I have been slapped with the reality of me being single still. Why am I single? I ask myself sometimes "does everyone else lower their standards and just give up?", "Have they truly found the one person they can have sex with the rest of their lives?", "Maybe they are just tired of being lonely", or is the issue just me? Well, some may say I'm too picky (not true)...But has the reality of me living by my own rules for so long tend to push them away? Maybe I am just a challenge that after conquered the thrill is gone (hahahhahhaa, if you knew me you would know I could keep it exciting ALWAYS), But as I wake up alone, I often wonder if I passed up my "good years". I will always be open to change, as long as it is a two way street. In the past year I have been on hundreds of dates, many lasting a few weeks/ months, some lasting a few nights, and yet others just a meet & greet. I guess, as we grow older we know what we want, what we don't, and what we could overlook. I am not close minded in any way, read some previous posts by me and you will see, I will try anything once...sometimes twice.
Many of you read because you share the same stories, I would have to say that I may be the crazy one on here when it comes to the things I’ve tried. You never know what you've been missing unless you've tried it. At times I do the things I do because I can. I could never sit back and wonder "what if"...
Where have I been recently? I’ve been around, having private issues and don't really care to share. What have I been doing? Normal everyday life (work, bills, etc.) Do I have any juicy stories? Of course I do!! That's me! Let me tell you about the last few weeks.
Here goes.... I get a phone call for an estimate, I show up, the woman is cute and a little flirty...I don’t ever cross the line, but I didn't have plans that night. The estimate went well, I got the deposit and then..."I was wondering what you are doing tonight,” she says. Ohh boy, should I? Hmmmmm..........well I say "Just watching a movie at my house". She then asks " would you want company?" sure I said.... I head home, plug in the new air fresheners, light some candles, set the lights, and do some last minute organizing. YUP!! And you know how the rest of the story goes.... Anyone who tells you they would come to your house after just meeting them, especially after 10pm, you're going to get some!
Then there was the girl from the dating site.... We meet, play pool, have some drinks, and she wants me to spend the night... after those two failed for relationship material, there was a text by a number I had never seen. "You better come and see me this week, it's my B-Day" I text back and realize it was someone I had spoken to a long time ago. She then tells me about a small vacation she had planned for the weekend and asks, " Would you like to come?" well...why the hell not! I'm single, no plans, and it sounded fun. I packed my bags and was off.... driving three hours away for someone I had never seen in person, and was going to spend the weekend with. Hahahaha...I'm nuts! But screw it! We met, had a great weekend, and will share that great weekends memory forever. So many of you would never take the risks I would.... and why? The better question is why not?
There are very few unanswered questions in my life.... Except "why am I single?" maybe I am the "fun guy" Yup! I sure am fun!! Maybe I really shouldn't worry about the single thing too much. I'm sure there are guys/girls out there who are in failed relationships just wishing they had half the fun. It is "fun" but it's a lonely life...I eat alone, sleep alone, talk to mostly only women, and have very few male friends. I once saw the quote "You don’t know what you lost til it's gone...but it's also true, you don’t know what you've been missing til it arrives." Don’t sit back there and be unhappy...change it!
The Man

Love Actually

So we aren't suppose to repeat even though most days are a repetition of the last. We've been told that we must expose more; tell the dirty little secrets of our past. Speak freely, tell the back-story, and reveal more juicy details about the sewer rats, about our personal lives because maybe then our stories will be more compelling and brutally honest.
Scandals and sex sell, drama is always more interesting than the norm. Just look at the magazine covers in the supermarket. Affairs, murder, overweight celebrity, sudden death, plastic surgery nightmares. You never see a headline like, "Bob went to the store and picked a gallon of milk." (Maybe on Bob's status update, but even then it's pulling at nothing for something). If Bob wants to create a story he should do a Hugh Grant and go down to pro row, pick him up a drag queen and get arrested. Now that would be a noteworthy comment, but Bob is a average Joe working for the man, driving his mini van around town, going to Target and Applebee's on the weekend. He is reliable and an important member of the community well so was Scott Peterson. (Not related by the way)
So here it goes, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Up until now I've sugar coated parts of my past and hidden others because even though the reality is a page turner in the end the truth hurts and in some cases is to painful to believe or relive.
I took the last few days off from writing not only because I was at a loss of words, but also because I knew that in order to move forward I would have to go back and finally make peace with my past.
McDreamy has shown me that it is possible to love again. At the same time, I am more reserved with my feelings and probably will forever guard my heart after the pain Andy caused me. But, I have begun to finally realize that Andy and I never were right for one another. I know this now, because what I feel when I am with McDreamy is far more real than I ever felt in all the years I was with Andy.


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. The old aren't supposed to outlive their offspring, yet it seems like the young are dying more often. We hope to live forever even thou it's not possible, we assume tomorrow will always come and we never think that today might be the end.
Having now been to three funerals in less than six months, all of whom died way too soon and unexpectedly I have come to believe in nothing and trust no one.
I don't believe in God or a higher being, for if there was a God why would he or she kill the young and not just sacrifice one person, but destroy or damage the lives and history of generations to come? Is it as Charles Darwin said, the weeding out of the less suited organisms and the reward of survival to those better suited to success in the world? If this is true then why even bring these people into the world if in the end their deaths continue to haunt the living? Or is it that as a result of their tragic death that the loved ones around them wake up and change their lives?
My aunt who passed away back in March of lung cancer she was fifty-three. She was not aware she was terminally ill until just weeks prior to death and perhaps this was for the best as she was able to be normal and enjoy what time she had left. One could argue that had she been aware months prior of her terminal condition perhaps she would seen or done new things. Her older daughter is now pregnant with her first child who oddly enough is expected to be born the week my aunt died. Is this part of the circle of life and in a way turning a death into a happy occasion with the birth of a child?
Then there was the sudden death of a childhood friend's father, he had pancreatic cancer and was also fifty-three. He left behind two daughters both in their late twenties.
This week came the worst one, the passing of a family friend; he would have been twenty-one next weeks. I don't think anyone is ever ready to deal with the death of a loved one, as the physical void of this person is a permanent reminder of a life once lived and an emotional prison. The death of one will forever alter the lives of so many others and in its wake the constant reminder of careless actions will never die.
(Yes, yes I know what I said earlier and now I'm officially off duty.)

Mislabeled Icon

Unknowingly my last blog about Mr. Big confused a number of readers. I had forgotten that back at the start of this blog I had originally called M, Mr. Big and now I'm praising the Chris Noths of the world.
The name "Mr. Big" has come to have two very different meanings for me. There is the Mr. Big from the iconic Sex and the City series with the commitment issues, rude and emotionless love hate relationship with Carrie that span over a decade. There were memorable fights, broken promises, an affair, yet ironically in the end Carrie and Big end up together and just like most other married couples after the chase is over they become old and boring. Mr. Big had lots of guts, even if it took him forever to figure out what he wanted. I suppose I once referred to M as Mr. Big solely because of his jackass tendencies, M never had class, balls or guts. I want to make this very clear nor did he drive around in a town car with a driver.
The other type of Mr. Big is a prince charming (if I believed in this Disney label). He is a corporate executive, has lots of class, and is a risk taker yet at the same time super romantic. If you ever get lucky enough to come across this man play for keeps.
I have a feeling I have made the whole Mr. Big label way more confusing than it was ever meant to be. Here's a thought, forget about Mr. Big in the traditional Sex and the City role and forget I ever called M, Mr. Big, as he is not and never will be as smooth or sophisticated as the HBO version. As for me, I am Carrie with a dash of Samantha.
SP is on weekend writing duty. I'll be back on Monday, have a good one y'all.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Mr. Big

How could I of all people be corrupted by corporate America and secretly enjoy this bizarre turn of events? I must confess I'm falling for the fairytale dream. I really shouldn't be making this fact public, now my tough girl persona is shot to hell. Damn it! I've tried my whole life not to fit in and conform to the norm for fear of being "normal." I don't want to be like anyone else. I don't want to be brainwashed by societies expectations and rules. Funny thing is slowly but surely I am losing the battle against being alternative. Does this mean you will one day see me driving a mini van and watching daytime television or American Idol or for that matter ever understand the fascination with the Twilight saga, hell no.
But, what I have been shown that it is possible to have the traditional without giving up who I am and what I want out of life. If you get lucky enough you might just find someone who is just as big a risk taker and driven. But, is it too good to be true?
I always figured M was Mr. Big, when in reality he was so far from it. There were no grand gestures, no "Hey stranger," no goose bumps, no let me loan you the down payment on your apartment. M never was my friend let along my soul mate (I hate this word), he is a golden pussy and I was the fun girl. But Mr. Big does exist and sometimes there is no commit issue, affair or years of heartbreak. Sometimes it's perfect and the obstacles have meaning and closure because at the end of this journey it's just the two of you against the world, which is pretty fucking awesome.
In less than a year the most amazing things can happen and some of the most tragic and painful. While I can't blame M for the deaths and nature disasters that occurred I would put one hundred percent fault on the jackass sewer rat (aka M) for the emotional trauma his words caused me. If it were just that I sat in my bedroom watching Sex and The City on repeat, eating bonbons (what exactly are bonbons? Is it a truffle or a candy?), making friends with Ben & Jerry and the pizza delivery guy I highly doubt I would still be holding this much resentment and anger against him. (Think the greeting card idea is a brilliant idea by the way. Thanks Love Bites fans.)
But, like I just stated I am not one to follow the flow or go by the books in life or love. I'm not the type to sit around and wait for time to past in hopes that the calendar holds the cure to my pain. I'll be honest there was a period where I did feel depressed and heartbroken and as a result my personal life began effecting my business. For the most part this is why I'm still pissed off at M. Thankfully in just eight weeks of writing on this blog I was success at removing the haunted ghost from my daily life. Yet, even after I got my closure I have continued to write.
I was talking to an old friend today and they pointed out that the frequency of our blogs is far less than before. While we still try very hard to write something noteworthy everyday we had lost the time and bitterness to write multiple entries. Maybe one day I'll stop writing about M (well, actually that's a lie. I never will stop.) So for now, I'll keep writing and growing up. (Because apparently I'm the one with no balls. LOL.)
Sausalito in the New Year. Could it really be that simple and stunningly gorgeous? Lives will be altered and new dreams will come true.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Cold Case

The worst mistake was thinking the person who hurt you the most, wouldn't hurt you again. I had been down this very road before, but it wasn't for exactly the same reasons. We had worked thru our previous issues, even separated for a year. I had initiated the reunion. I missed his quirks, his off beat perspective on life and so I made some calls and found out he had left the state and was living in the Carolinas. I took a chance and called his parents. What was I doing? I had broken this man's heart. I had destroyed his trust in me. I would later find out that he had left the state because of me, because he feared bumping into me.
The next week I was on a plane bound for Nicholas Sparks’s territory. I ran into his arms at the terminal, we both cried and embraced for what felt like forever. I was once again at peace. The demons of the past were long gone or so I thought.
We were given a second chance at the fairytale dream. Three years later and once again we found ourselves in a similar situation. For no partial reason, we had become strangers again. The sex had ended months before; the conversations were few and far between. Yet, neither one of us was willing to except that maybe we weren't meant for happily ever after. We were both vocal that something was wrong, but what exactly was the cause of the friction was never spoken. I mentioned trying couples therapy and every time we had an appointment he was absent.
We were polar opposites and it wasn't fair to myself or him to hinder on one another's wants and desires. He would have moved across the country for me, but it would only alienate his family and I didn't want this burden on my shoulders. I didn't want to feel guilty for following my dreams. I wanted to be happy and while I knew he would find a way to be happy anywhere it felt wrong making him relocate for my selfish well being.
The final blow was my doing. It was bound to happen one day, how it continued for so long in silence was a miracle. A big part of me was afraid to let go to call it quits. But, it wasn't far to him or myself.
We tried to repair the damage, but it was too little too late. I knew it was for the best, but the words were impossible to say. This would be it; there would never be another chance. We would both walk away bitter and resentful this time. In the end, maybe the ex files should have been left closed. We never were a cold case, but now the end will forever haunt me.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Playing For Keeps

Although I will never claim to have figured life out, I have learned many valuable lessons, and I can say the same about women. One thing that I have figured out is what I want out of life and what kind of lady I want by my side. Youth was fun, chasing skirts, broken hearts, and quick rebounds. We weren't playing for keeps; we just wanted to keep playing. Playing that game pretend, the game where you are positive she's the one, until you meet her friend.
No regrets though! I have learned a lot from the likes of wonderful ladies like Marsha, who taught me that it's not always fun and games. Eventually the chasing must stop, because soon you will grow tired. "Catch and Release,” that’s what we called it back in the day, a game I stopped playing awhile ago, but I guess old habits die hard. My best friend Dan got married ten years ago, wow! I would never forget what he said to me on that Saturday afternoon, "She's the one!” Sure enough she was, they spent three years of college apart, 5000 miles away. Fourteen years and one gorgeous girl later, they moved away to follow their dream and found it.
On reflection I have had some great catches in my life, what was it then? Maybe I was insatiable; maybe I used my corporate job as a reason or an excuse. For me now it comes down to work life balance. I have followed all of my dreams, and have found success. But there is still something that I haven't fulfilled. Ah, I know what it is. The fantasy home with large windows that overlook the bay with a crackling fireplace in the back and my beautiful damsel and two gorgeous little ones rubbing their eyes because it's bedtime.
It's a giant step for both of us, but we will not enter it blindly. Many say that it's a big risk, what are you thinking? What we are thinking is common dreams, common goals, and the balls to remain in control of our destiny. If you are content with your mediocre life, then don't bitch and complain when it doesn't change. Don't get jealous because we are going to make it happen, you had your chances, this time we are playing for keeps.
Devils Advocate

Polar Opposites

It drawn on me today why B and I never worked out. Sure there was the age gap, the love of the buzz, but in the end what ultimately pulled the plug wasn't any of these things, it was that we were polar opposites. I chased the dream, I jumped out of airplanes, I wasn't afraid of the unknown. When I read his email yesterday I wasn't anger that he declined the offer, I had known going in it was a long shot. Yet in two sentences his words said it all and I ever so quickly remembered why he had gotten on my nerves all those years ago. He was a fake. He didn't know shit and yet he so carelessly was throwing out recommendations and comments about a life and a situation he had no knowledge about.
We had gone dark many years ago and lost touch, but in the few email exchanges throughout this year he appeared to have gotten over his fears. Sadly I was wrong. Not everyone enjoys chasing dragons or building castles out of sand.
This exercise in the ex files got me to thinking about my past relationships and why they too ultimately ended. Ironically the main reason for all the break ups was the same, when it came time to jump they had no balls and chickened out. One might say they were living vicariously thru my seemingly wild and I and outlandish thoughts on life and bucket list goals. When I pushed the subject and was ready to embark on my newest objective these men all began backpedaling and making excuses and negative remarks about how my idea was insane and would never work out.
When in fact, everything I have ever said I wanted to do and would accomplish has come true and not only has it not failed it has blossomed into a grand success. Of course, no man will ever acknowledge their golden pussy attitude.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Risky Bullshit

There are two different types of con men. There are the ones like M (aka JSR) who pretend to live the dream by showing off their success with an entry-level European car, a flashy wardrobe and a vocabulary that impresses and attracts the ladies. When in reality this is all a facade of a life that will never be obtainable. The other con man is the guy who wants you to believe in him, who needs your approval and will do almost anything to win your trust and love. They are smooth talkers and you really want to believe their words. But, when the dream they talk about one day living in given to them on a silver spoon they chicken out and call the opportunity too risky.
Don't pretend to be someone you will never be. Don't talk the talk; your words are no longer truthful. You want me to believe you have higher goals than working for the man until you retire yet when the "dream" is brought to the table you don't even give it a real thought. Just tell the truth, you have no balls.
I figured you wouldn't take the offer, but a part of me really wanted to believe that maybe you had changed, that maybe you were ready to jump. You never were and you never will be and that's okay, some people just don't have the guts or desire to gamble with their lives. The comfort of the daily grind to some is addictive.
You remember the other day when you joked how you hoped you didn't piss me off and end up as the subject of one of my blogs, well all my loving feelings for you are gone. Sorry dude (yea I know you hate being referred to by this name) in just a matter of hours all my love and remorse for the past is forever gone. You never changed, but I have. How after not speaking for years, in just a matter of minutes you assume so matter of fact that you know everything about me. I naively assumed you were grown up enough to understand my words. Clearly, I was very wrong. I apology if I hurt your feelings by not wanting to go out to dinner with you (I got the hint after the third offer) and killing you secret plan to get me drunk in hopes that I would sleep with you. I apology for blindsiding you with my marital status, I didn't realize you weren't emotional capable of hearing my words. The reality is you don't have a clue about my life and instead you jumped to conclusions by saying I was bailing and following a pipe dream. Far from it. I'm creating the dream. I'm chasing the unknown and most importantly I'm taking a risk, a massive gamble and maybe it won't end happily ever after, but then again I've never been one to draw within the lines.
I wish you good luck. I'm off to live the pipe dream. You didn't really think you were the end all be all did you? Funny how the perfect plan is the one I had thought of a long time ago, but instead of following my gut I gave an old friend a chance at the dream. Second chances don't come around for thirds. Have a good one B.
So laugh at my words, think I'm nuts (which I am, you have to be to jump from the cushy corporate ladder). To bad you didn't hear my words or understand what I was saying. Sell out? Hardly my friend, selling would mean I have failed and given up. When in reality I have succeed and created a business that I can now walk away from and never have to work again. Unfortunately you never understood my words to begin with and now I remember why you are an ex.
Life is what you decide to make out of what you got, so use some imagination!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Ex Factor

There are very few people in the world that I call great friends. Even fewer that after a roller coaster year together and a drama filled break up that I can still call an acquaintance let alone a great friend.
So B Money, sitting on your boat in Margaritaville I am so thankful that not only have we remained friends long after our romance died, but there is no awkward pause when we talk now. I could apology for a lifetime about the immature and inappropriate words and pain I caused you, but it's no longer necessary.
We have both learned from our mistakes and moved on. Yet, the world continues to reunite us in the present and while the common ground is the same we have both grown up and accepted each other as is. Some might say you were a rebound and a much-needed change from what I had become accustomed to. I suppose you were and if history is repeating itself you could say J is the newest rebound and glimpse of hope in what seems like a black cloud. Perhaps it was a bit weird to be talking to one ex about another and about the next possible great love. I guess I just felt so comfortable talking to you that I forget how insane my words might have seemed coming from left field. I too was taken a back at first when I realized what was happening. But, it feels right. Maybe one day I'll be proven wrong and maybe one day in the near future I will once again be sitting on your couch laughing at myself for believing such a crazy story. But, if I don't try then I will never know.
I learned a lot not only about myself, but also about life in the year we were together. There were fabulous vacations to France and the Caribbean, jewelry, romance and family values. For a moment I was "the one" and maybe now we would be the ones parting ways and never speaking again.
I hope to see you around these parts more often and I hope you will seriously consider my offer. It's a good life, a freedom you will never experience in the corporate world.
With Love,

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Anecdote Reality

"I never believed for one minute that I couldn't have you and that's not arrogance. I accepted that I might never have you, but that is different. If I believed the former I would never try." - Anonymous

What was taken for granted for so long, brought me to tears and in pain, like a shattered romance. Like the beautiful mirror on the wall I forgot all about it and one day the posts gave way and down came crashing my heart and soul into a sextillion pieces like powdered rosin in a wooden box. Not even with a witches broom could I sweep it all away, because still it is not trash. It has found a new place to be and a different view than I had been used to. Like a puzzle, there it is, all of me, scattered and disbursed in every direction. You may think it's crazy to say, a blessing in disguise, but now I see chapters of one book, pages and pages of tale after tale telling the story of my life. Like an atom taking residence in every direction even though it is in one place, the floor of this sacred home. Amazed for eternity I take my time, finally getting to know this beautiful piece of art I had so responsibly created. I must have been prepared for such work, since I found out on some nostalgic day, a very long time ago, that there is more then meets the eye. Conjure up a great spell and put it all back together, greater than before. - V.O.

To Andy, With Love

Once you are numb to love, you no longer fear the present. When you let your guard down, you will one day get stabbed in the heart. I had run away from my past and a life that once seemed so perfect because the pain had been so devastating to my heart and mind. For too long I had been in denial about the trauma and betrayal that Andy caused. But, in that moment when the past was suddenly very much a part of my present it suddenly clicked. What it is exactly I'm not sure. What I felt as I graciously welcomed the Big Bad Wolf into my sanctuary was anger. Lots and lots of anger and resentful. I had pushed my feelings aside all this time because I didn't think I was capable of dealing with the trauma. I feared revealing all the dirty little secrets and forbidden tales of a bittersweet relationship because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. Seriously? Was I that afraid of burning a few bridges? Bridges that I never wanted to cross again, that I secretly hoped would get hit my lightening, blown up or crumbled away as my life did. Never again. I'm going to take a cue from the fabulously fearless Kate and her "And the heart says, whatever," (courtesy of Emily Gould) attitude to all the big bad wolves and jackass sewer rats.
I had remained in a very fragile state since the day life as I knew it was altered. Even though I had moved on and began a new life in a new city and had a fabulous new boyfriend it always seemed like the ghosts were mocking me and patiently waiting for a vulnerable moment to frighten me. Okay, you win! Happy? I was happy, so happy. I was living in a fantasy. How could McDreamy and I ever last? The complicated reality had begun to lose its sexy and mysterious appeal. This isn't to say it's over. For some the allure is the chase and if that's the case then our relationship perhaps could continue as is forever. But, we can't keep running at some point we need to stop. In what direction we go from there will ultimately determine if we can last standing still.
So, what was I talking about to begin with? Right. The big bad wolf. My jackass sewer rat. The asshole that caused me months of agony, crying, a lifetime of therapy, a blog, a new home in a new city and lets not forget if it weren't for Andy I never would have met McDreamy. Well in that case I don't completely hate him, but I will forever have a photo of the Big Bad Wolf glued to the dartboard. So thanks Andy, looks like married life isn't all it's cracked up to be after all. I'm the leading lady, not the friend with benefits or for that matter anyone to you ever again. Forget my name, my number, my address. You are died to me and I don't talk to ghosts. You had your chance babe, never again.

Standing Still

It's Saturday again and so far I have not had any unwelcomed guests knocking on my door. I meant to write more this week, but shit happened. (Let's stop being PG on this blog. What's the point of having a disclaimer if the content isn't even worthy of a warning.)
For the most part I am a proper, gracious, well-educated, polite woman. I forgive and forget people’s faults and wrongs easily and not much phrases me. That is unless you are the person who broke my heart, cheated and lied to me, knocked up your secretary oh and let's not forget turned my life upside down and the shear sight of your face (which was plastered on what seemed like an excessive amount of billboards) ultimately forced me to pack up and move across the country.
Up until last weekend I had come to trust my inner circle with full confidence that my whereabouts were carefully guarded and sworn to secrecy. Well, so much for that the security has officially been breached and it was by my mother. What would possess you to think this was a brilliant idea? Did you not hear a word I said in all this time about what a bastard the Big Bad Wolf Andy is? You didn't really think I would take him back just because he was wearing an expensive suit and had a bouquet of red roses? Keep dreaming mother and because of your impulsive decision to give out my home address and poor judgment I will be sending you the bill from my shopping spree at Barneys. Retail therapy is way better than seating on a couch in a musty room watching as every word I say is written down intensely.
If only I had told the whole story from the beginning, exposing and reliving each moment we shared. Maybe, then my mother wouldn't have thought it was wise idea to talk to Andy in the first place and then tell him where I live and work. Thanks Mother!
I must be honest a part of me was really happy to see him. This feeling lasted for about one second when I remembered how I had come to be living in New York City and then the reality really hit me when I saw the wedding band on his finger. He didn't even have the courtesy to remove the ring. What an asshole! Maybe then I wouldn't have felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks and wouldn't be torn with emotion. Had I followed in Kate's no holds barred reaction to pain and betrayal I too wouldn't have been nearly as blindsided or confused as I was last Saturday. When JSR and company found this blog (well found would imply they had been looking for it) when in reality it was neatly gift wrapped and placed in their mailbox. Kate felt it was time. Time to face the past head on. Time to make peace as best she could and time to finally see people's true colors and idiotic reasoning. She was fearless, always has been. She didn't fear the jackass or his entourage. For the first time since starting the blog, she truly was at peace with the past and she hasn't looked back since. She has disconnected herself from JSR and company and now finds amusement writing about them. I want that reaction I need that feeling.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Hide and Seek

I never understood how love can be so blind, and if it can't see well then tell me what's there to find?

There's nothing outside only feelings inside.

When kids go out to play they seek and then hide, rocking on dead horses that seem to look like they're alive.

Imagination, dreams and courier tales.
Building castles out of big garbage pales.
Some call it trash, but compost deep in the ground.
Boats made of paper mâché, recycled sails out on the sound.

I never understood how love can be so hard to find, like it does not exist when your staring at the legs of time.

There's nothing outside only feelings inside.

When kids go out to play they seek and then hide, rocking on dead horses that seem to look like they're alive.

Close your eyes and think of nothing at all, like a naked tree during winter or fall. Memories, like the skin of a snake, shedding leaves and colors destined to rake.

There's nothing outside only feelings inside

When kids go out to play they seek and then hide, rocking on dead horses that seem to look like they're alive.

Imagination, dreams and courier tales.
Building castles out of big garbage pales.
Some call it trash, but compost deep in the ground.
Boats made of paper mâché, recycled sails out on the sound. - V.O.


Jack and Jill

We are tall lovers,
though we know each other not at all.
We are tall lovers,
even in the tiniest bit so small.
I beg to differ,
to make these windows "pains" so thin.
I beg to differ,
that lust is just a sin.
We cry by touch,
and weep at rain.
We laugh through reflection,
and smile in desolation.

It's tough getting to know one another,
when the difference is but one.
Everybody needs a mother goose,
even the silly little shun.

Cleaner is the river that washes out the bum.
Cleaner is the liver, which taketh all but none.

We can be small lovers,
and regurgitate life like birds.
We can be strangely influential,
to each other’s nourishing words.
A picture speaks a thousand winks,
and the ferry takes the ride.
Muddy feet on slippery slopes,
and hands held tight may slide.

Two mountains meet at the foothills of twinkle toes, and in the valley the pioneer rows.
Fate waits on Destiny,
and Life is the only one who knows!
Up stream is where creation mates and creates the massive rip curl.
In the opposite direction there lay kindly a boy,
and sweetly a precious girl.

Making love under the cool breezy shade,
the Macintosh is how the heart was made.
To be loved is in need of a steel persuade,
and green is the stone called Jade.

The meaning of great power lies in the understanding of water and what it really does to the earth. - V.O.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

O ye of little faith...!!!

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails." - William Arthur Ward

So what should we do, should we stand there and bitch all day, "Whoa is me!"? Should we stand there and hope for the best, "Maybe it'll work itself out"? Or maybe we should assess the situation, determine where we desire to be, and the steps to make it happen.

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
- Harvey Fierstein

Speaks for itself...

"No man ever achieved worth-while success who did not, at one time or other, find himself with at least one foot hanging well over the brink of failure." - Napoleon Hill

If we expect failure, then failure is what we will get. The weak never try for fear of failure. The details of that glorious first weekend I shared with SP and the others that have since followed will probably never make it to this blog. So no one but she and I can fully appreciate what we experienced, I would be a fool for not trying to pursue this further. Reality check, it might go nowhere. The moment we met, we could have just said "oh excuse me" and moved on. But, we both took a leap of faith that day and continue to brave the unknown. I am fully aware that the odds are against us, but for the time being we will continue to make our own path in the world and set our own rules. If we don't try we will never know what could have been.
The stakes are high. Have I invested my life savings? I have not. Will a loss be gut wrenching? Absolutely! Will that stop me from investing again in the future? Absolutely not! If you don't play, you can never win.

"I hold it true, what e'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
- From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850

I have stepped out of my comfort zone and thru SP I have seen life in a new light. For that alone, I am thankful and already a winner.

Don't player hate, participate!
Devil's Advocate

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Where Do We Go From Here?

In the last few weeks my focus as well as SP and The Man's has detoured from the blog. Which is a significant yet bittersweet event. It wasn't to long ago that this blog consumed my life. With each word I wrote I felt the burden of remorse and pain gradually be lifted from my shoulders. I am not the same person I was a few months ago or even a few weeks ago. The daily grind of my current life has taken center stage in my priorities and I'm enjoying every moment of this new chapter. The past will remain a mystery and I'm quite fine with that these days. The ghosts have once again returned to the cemetery, but they will be back one day. I'm not afraid of the con man or the poltergeist these days, really I never was (okay just a bit). I'm glad I met M and company and I'm even happier that I got a cliffhanger ending because the intrigue and mystery is a super sexy story.
The once naive and anonymous girl who just a few months ago was hesitate and vulnerable finally has a voice and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Ironically, though I like to maintain a certain amount of privacy in regards to my daily life and relationships.
I applaud Summer and McDreamy (I'm with Summer on this one, the name stays. Sorry DA) for being so open and fearless about their new relationship. As I've learned from this blog, written words will forever be remembered, but life goes on and feelings change. I second The Man's words of wisdom last week to SP, be cautious luv. I don't want you to get burned again. Not to damper on the honeymoon, but let's be honest here most relationships don't work out and by displaying the innocent and blissful moments on this blog you are setting yourself up for a brutal awakening. I'm rooting for you, always will. Just this time, I'm not wearing a clearance rack key lime green dress, even if it's Vera Wang. Might I recommend black, you know which one I'm talking about. It's my newest obsession. :)
So, where do we go from here? I let M and company go a long time ago. Some people never quite understood this fact, but he has been died for years. The man (if you can call him that) I briefly met and interacted with last year was not the same person I once knew. Like some many, he too conformed to corporate life and the iconic white picket fence lifestyle. It's a shame really, but then maybe he never had grand dreams and would never have been able to keep up with me. Golden pussy is a perfect description of M. Some men unfortunately are so fearful of the greater potential of a woman and how someone so much younger has accomplished so much more that they chicken out.
I'm well aware that some of my posts recently have been arrogant and over the top indulgent. I'm not a superficial person. Sure, I like pretty things and I splurge on insane luxury goods from time to time, but I'm an average gal from a sweet family who dreams big and then makes the impossible possible. Not everyone will understand my quirks or sometimes-arrogant words and that's okay. I know who I am and what I believe in and let's not forget I'm not writing to please you.
M and company will forever be a part of my posts. But, as you may have noticed my tone has become more sarcastic and witty in regards to my thoughts and comments about them. It's rather refreshing and enjoyable to be able to laugh at not only yourself, but at people who never quite understood you and never will.
We will continue to write and tell our tales of love and anything else that inspires us. Only time will tell where this blog and our serendipitous life path takes us. We hope you will continue to follow the sublime happiness of a guarded heart. The best is yet to come, or so I hope.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


The summer is flying by and before we know it the holiday season will once again be upon us. I'm sure I've said this a million times by now, by when I think back to last fall and the emotional wreck I was I can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. By Christmas I will have moved and started a new life. A sublime and surreal new beginning that I never would have believed could come true. By the New Year I hope to have opened the doors on my second business and let's not forget that I will be part of the rat pack. Yes, even the most anti traditional, anti corporate bullshit, is officially part of the club. But, I will always be the black sheep of the bunch and for the first time I feel comfortable to mingle among the greats. I may never be technically as talented, but I've learned a lot more in the last few years then many of the suits will ever know. I will never go by the books, never work for the man, the word no is not in my dictionary, I will never "let it go", but I will live happily ever after in my fabulous new life thanks in part to Mr. & Mrs. Jackass Sewer Rat and the little old email that would forever change the course of my life. It was of course an email that started our friendship nearly a decade ago and it's super fitting that we ended the same way. Unfortunately the past, no matter how painful will forever live on. But, I have come to realize that life isn't simple and not everyone has manners. Sometimes it really is best to respond to a persons email even if it's a bullshit answer. By never responding in a timely fashion you too may risk the consequences of your mutually poor decision and be publicly humiliated permanently.
I've been in a funk the last few days, thinking about the past and the present and what I want for the future. When I was twenty-one turning thirty seemed like a lifetime away. I've put a lot of hope and pressure into this year, even thou it's still a couple years away. I imagine something magical happens when you reach this milestone. Like you wake up on your birthday and all of a sudden you really are an adult and there are so many more responsibilities. I have a life plan; I sometimes wish I didn't have a schedule for monumental life events. But, as this fictionally important year fast approaches I suddenly realize that I need to really get my shit together if I'm going to be on track for my thirty something goals. Kids yes, two, husband, no thanks, posh life, working on it, bring your rug rat (kid) to work everyday, got that covered already, money in the bank for rug rats, getting there.
What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Twilight Zone

I've been away for the last week, on a hiatus of sorts, but not really by choice. Continuing with the bizarre and seemingly small world we live in. After McDreamy's ex called him last week out of the blue and then not only followed up with an apology text, but yesterday called him to ask if she could stay at his place when she visits next month with her sister. (Which she absolutely can not and I'm not just saying that because well his my man. McDreamy is the one who terminated that bizarre thought which I take as a huge sign that he is seriously into me) I guess, she didn't get the hint last week or maybe now she finally gets that it's over and he has moved on.
The comment feature has once again been removed. It was a short lived thought and just as mentioned last month while we love to hear from our loyal readers we aren't writing to please you. What we learned this time was that the comment feature is no longer helpful or cute, but rather bothersome and a Pandora’s box. For these reasons we most likely will be terminating the feature permanently. There will never be a point when the past doesn't haunt us and it certainly is not helping any if the negative and slandering comments are a click away. Again, we would like to give our readers the opinion to comment via our email address or on the Facebook fan page. As well, after this weekends drama filled events I personally wasn't ready for the newest shit storm to hit my inner circle sanctuary. Given how well the blog went over with JSR and company I'm not nearly as strong as Kate is even though I put on this brave exterior. In many ways that's why I haven't talked about Andy and our past together all that much and I may never be emotionally ready to discuss the past. I am still traumatized and most likely will be forever especially after this weekend.
What started out as another leisurely Saturday morning very quickly turned into a twilight zone episode. I began my Saturday morning just like so many others. I woke up before dawn took Max (my golden retriever) out for a run and then spent the rest of the morning in my PJs reading the NYTimes. At around eleven I took a shower (control your imagination boys) as I was drying my hair the lobby buzzer goes off. I wasn't expecting anyone to visit me so I was a bit startled. "There is a man in a suit asking for you Ms.Peterson. Should I send him up?" I should point out that McDreamy had jokingly mentioned the night before that he was going to fly up and surprise me one of these days. It couldn't be or maybe. "Yes, yes please send him up." Mind you I'm still in my robe, hair semi dry, no makeup and now no time to do anything but throw on the first thing I see hanging in my closet. Jeans and a gray cardigan, hey it's a lazy Saturday and I didn't realize I was having company.
If only it were McDreamy at the door. I don't know many other men who wear suits on a Saturday so I wasn't even thinking perhaps it was a ghost from the past. There he was, all 5'9", olive skinned, brown hair, green eyes, in an impeccable navy blue pin stripe Armani suit. (I know my designers; this is what I do after all.) He looked even better than I remember, but then I remembered, "Wait, I hate you. You're a royal douche bag." Instead what came out of my mouth was "Um hello. What the hell are you doing here?" The Big Bad Wolf aka Andy was standing in front of me. Let's not forget the affair, the wedding, and the baby, the moving across the country to get as far away as possible from this man and now here he was with the nerve to ask if he could come into my home. My home, not his, not ours, MINE!!! There really are no words to describe how I felt. Mostly I was furious and confused, yet at the same time the little voice in me kept saying, "He loves me. He loves me. OMG! Why now? What do I do?" A momentary lapse in judgment and then the inner bitch in me came out fighting. I had rehearsed this day over and over in my mind for months and now that it was playing out in my living room I couldn't believe it really was coming true.
He said a lot, too much really and most of which I didn't hear as I was to focused on the fact that the Big Bad Wolf being in my apartment and not only wondering how the hell he found me, but what on earth he could possibly want now from me.
I think I've ranted enough tonight. More scandalous gossip from this weekends plot twist tomorrow.
Night all!

Puppy Love

Last night I thought about our lives together...Let me start with the choosing of him. I knew exactly what I wanted and wouldn't settle for less. I drove around the whole state of Florida for about two months until I found the perfect one for me. On that very lucky day, I pulled up to the house, walked up to the door as two men greeted me. They then walked me around back to first show me the father...I was amazed when I saw him, he was about 90 pounds of pure muscle, K9 trained in German and the most obedient dog I’ve ever seen. He then showed me all the paperwork and taught me about this bloodline.
We then walked around the corner to see thirteen of the most adorable puppies I’ve ever seen. I just sat and watched as they played. I knew what to look for in this breed, I didn't want the largest or the runt. I didn't want the troublemaker either. There running by him playing alone was the one I had my eye on, he was perfect.... As I bent down, the puppies all ran towards me and began kissing and chewing on my shoes, he was in his own world. I then whistled to him and he looked up and ran to me, busting through the crowd to show me he was the boss. "Yup, that's the one" I said. I still needed to wait another week before I could take home my baby.
The day had arrived; I had bought all the supplies and was on my way to pick him up. As I arrived to the house, they once again showed me all the puppies and I was glad the choice I made. From that day on, he was my best friend. Many weekends were planned with him involved, boating, heading to the beach (he loved the water), to the lake, on bike rides, and so on. I took him everywhere! From the first day home, I had him on my couch (big mistake) he didn’t move the whole first day off it. But as the years past, and over 20 couches LOL that was his place. All of my houses had a couch next to the front window, and by the looks of my couch, he stayed there the whole day waiting for me to get home. He had a way of knowing if you were you were a good person, or a bad one. He would make known if he didn’t trust you by sitting across the room and staring at you on the corner of his eye. When he was about 6 months old, I had him K9 trained as well, he could protect, search (for whatever ex: clothing, money, drugs, bones and so on). This dog loved to make me proud...we would go for bike rides, well actually he would pull me for two miles every day...when I take out the leash, he had to grab it and run to the front door and just sit and wait. Knowing a car ride would follow shortly. As many more years past, he had some medical issues but none of that mattered to me that was more or less my son.
Almost thirteen years later, I find myself in a very tough spot. He has been diagnosed with Cushins disease and has rapidly been getting weaker, and has lost a good amount of his hair. Many if they were to see him now, wouldn't know the great life we shared together by looking at him. This dog has won many first place trophies (best of show, search, sled pulling competitions), but if you saw this frail dog, you wouldn't know how much he means to me. We sometimes judge someone from their outside appearances but seldom think of the lives they once led. I had decided that today was the day I would put him to rest, but as I picked up the phone to make the call, he walked to me that very moment, and the phone was busy. I then walked away from him (as for him not to hear my call) and he once again came to me, put his head on my lap and kissed me. He hadn't walked all weekend, or eaten much at all.... but today he ate his food, followed me around and gave me the look of "please not today"! So today I brought him around with me, we drove for hours.... I could see the happiness in his eyes, when I first grabbed the leash. He seemed at peace today. I just couldn't do it!! I asked when would be the right time and they replied, " When the quality of life has diminished, when they no longer can perform daily tasks, and most important, stop eating". Well today he has walked, eaten and peed without me carrying him outside. It is just so very hard. It is one thing to come home to him not alive, but to take a life? I'm just not ready yet. What if he just was lazy today and had months to go? Well, my thought process has been dedicated to him this weekend, so there is not much dating going on. Sorry to talk about this, but I cant tell anyone without crying.... and I can't let them see me cry!
The Man

Man's Best Friend

I first must apologize for grammar errors in today’s post. This is the hardest post I, scratch that the hardest thing I have ever been through.
Death is one of the things that are guaranteed in life.... even though we know it is in the future and think we have readied ourselves it is never easy. Let me explain where I am right this moment.
Cushing's disease (hyperadrenocorticism) in dogs is a condition that results from the chronic overproduction of too much glucocorticoid in the body. In the normal dog, the pituitary gland produces a hormone called ACTH, which stimulates the adrenal gland to produce the glucocorticoid hormones necessary for the function of many systems in the body. If something goes wrong in the pituitary gland or adrenal gland and too much glucocorticoid is produced, then Cushing's disease develops. This is a very complicated disease with a wide range of symptoms and causes. My dog was diagnosed with this about 6 months ago. Since the tiny little rash on his neck (4 puss like bumps) he has turned into an old dog very quickly. Many say that he has already lived past his years (due to the fact of how I’ve taken care of him and spoiled him). He has lost almost all his hair and today the ability to walk on his own. I have laid with him on the floor thinking about our life together (almost 13 years). I am crying (don't tell anyone) as I write about him and think. I have not cried in over ten years. Actually, I don’t even remember the last time I did, but I had to. Many might say, "It's just a dog" Well, not for me! He has been there every single time I have come home to greet me at the door with excitement. He is what puts a smile on my face as soon as I get home...................................................sorry I had to go hold him again. He is my everything! I am going to write all over the place tonight due to my thousand thoughts.
He is in no pain whatsoever but that is also an issue. He falls from time to time and I need to pick him up due to his weak back legs. He could injure himself and not even know it or tell me. This dog has not cried since he was a puppy. I forgot what crying felt like. Damn where did all these boogers come from? Today he has not eaten and he (due to the disease) usually begs for food. I even offered him a burger (I never do this) and it was refused. I have carried him outside to go pee and most of the times have held him up while doing this. He still looks at me with the same puppy eyes he had the day I picked him up, almost to say "It's ok" or "Thank you" but if he is as stubborn as me (which I know he is), he is pissed off he can’t do shit on his own! What to do? He is not in pain, usually does things on his own, but the Dr. said when they stop eating it's the last thing.............................. All I can do is think of that happy day I got him home, when he would tread water waiting for me at the lake, swimming underwater to bring me rocks, learned to climb trees to be next to me, leaning in my car when I tell him left, or right, the time he ate a rock and broke both K9 teeth and I had to pay for a double root canal and got crowns so he had perfect teeth for him to break them two weeks later.... or his allergy issue he had when he was younger and needed to be rushed for steroids and Benadryl, or the stomach virus where I needed to give him a blood transfusion, the K9 training and only the best food and so on...and so on... but who cares? I would have done the same for my child. He is my child! 13 long years!!!! If he could talk, the blog would be even better. I forgot most of my stories, but he would remember them all. The times where he crapped on the floor because I took too long to get home, or all the women’s underwear that he ate the crotches out of (actually pretty funny) he had good taste too! Hahaaaa but with all the information given, I just can’t kill him!!!!!!! Many say put to sleep, but in reality is, would you do it to your son while he looks at you??????????????????????????? I am not selfish but I know when the time is right! It is creeping closer and closer.
I am sorry to write about this, but is a part of life we all need to deal with. How we deal with it is our own choice, but it SUCKS!!! I am a "tough guy" but this has brought me to a level of pain in which I never remember feeling. I have lost many friends, relatives, and loved ones, but this pain is like none other. When I dedicate myself to something/ someone I do everything in my power to make sure they have the best! I just want to say, I thought I prepared myself for what is soon to come but it fucking sucks! Imagine if you didn't have time to prepare.... look at your loved ones and tell them you love and care about them every chance you get. Spoil them! They are what you are living can't take it with you.
The Man

Missed Opportunities

"When I look back now over my life and call to mind what I might have had simply for taking and did not take, my heart is like to break." ~William Hale White

"Opportunity is often difficult to recognize; we usually expect it to beckon us with beepers and billboards." ~William Arthur Ward

I remember when I was seventeen; I would go to the Law Library every night religious to study with my pals. We were sort of like the cool kids during the day and the sneaking nerds at night. The Library was freezing, assumingly to protect the old books, so every hour we would have to take a break on the outside and take a smoke. Yes, to maintain our cool image we had to smoke, it was a tough life. One night, an unknown beauty joined us at the smoking table. Her father was East Indian, and her mother was a mix of West Indian and British I came to find out. The word gorgeous did not do Marsha justice. When she came over she bummed a cigarette and I was of course obliged to share, two minutes later her boyfriend came over.
As the weeks passed by, they became regulars at our table, first she would come and he would run to find her. She would always take the spot next to me, we all had spots. Oddly enough her boyfriend would always stand, as if impatient. She would always do odd things, rest her head on my shoulder pretending to be tired or conveniently forget her cigarettes and have to share mine. Back then I would say that I was a little daft when it came to women, I was carefree, I didn't care to read into women's feelings. Summer rolled in and her boyfriend went off on vacation and left her behind. I got a job at my best friend's father's company. Dan and I were childhood friends and had the same passions beautiful women, surfing, cars and electronics. Being the boss's son, we really didn't do much, but we had our own office and company car for the day. We were site supervisors and spent our days going from construction site to construction site.
It was 9 am Monday morning, Dan and I were doing our usual, feet up in the air, drinking coffee and reminiscing about our fun packed weekend. There was a soft tap on the door, and guess who entered? Marsha! Apparently she was going to be working in one of the offices upstairs for the summer. Marsha and her boyfriend were apparently very tight, so to me she was just a cute girl to hang out with. "So what are you fellas up to?” Dan blurted out "Oh DV (Devil's Advocate) and I were just discussing how cute he thought you were and how he was going to ask you out." With an embarrassing smile I blurted out, "Dude what the fuck? He just kidding, we were just talking about the weekend." Then there was that awkward moment which seemed like forever, thank god Dan's father walked in. Marsha said her goodbye, and I kicked Dan on the shin. The next day, Dan had a dental appointment and I was forced to go out for lunch alone. As I exited the office, Marsha was coming down the stairs.
"Hey neighbor, where is your partner in crime?"
"He had a doctor's appointment, so I am going to grab some lunch, where you heading?"
"Lunch...” again that awkward pause.
"Well, I'm heading down to Pier 19, you want to join me?"
Pier 19 was one of the restaurants that Dan and I were allowed to sign to the Company's account. It was a quaint restaurant, little pricey, but had the best wine and seafood, and Dan's father owned it. We both had turned eighteen over the summer and were legal to drink which we took full advantage at every opportunity.
"Sure, is this a date?"
"A date, ha! you want my boyfriend to put a contract on my head?", she smiled and we headed out.
We had a lovely lunch, for the rest of the summer Marsha hung with us and the rest of our crew. We all did the usually summer things, surf, drink, party, drink, no pressure because she was just one of the girls. The summer was almost at an end and Marsha's boyfriend was back in town from his vacation. It was Friday night and it was Drive-In night. This was the place to see and to be seen, the group of guys that had the best-looking girls hanging by their car won. This was not a place to watch movies; this was a place to be watched. Our crew was strong, we knew almost everyone, and we also have the best car stereo and were hence a natural magnet. Marsha had not hung out with us for a while, assumingly because of her boyfriend. That night she approached me and said: "Hey, can I talk to you alone for a minute?"...Awkward pause...
"Oh you mean alone, ok" We stepped away from the crowd.
"What's up? We haven't seen you for awhile, where's your boyfriend?"
"You are such a flirt!" I started to smile, thinking she was joking, but she wasn't. She was very serious, and her eyes were watering up.
"Marsha..." I stepped towards her to put my hands on her shoulder, she moved away. "What's going on? What do you mean I'm a flirt?"
"Do you like me or not?"
"Of course I like you, don't you have a boyfriend? You guys are almost married, I just assumed we were cool."
"Well it sure as hell seemed like you were my boyfriend all summer!" It's then I saw the tears. Just then, her boyfriend came over, "What's going on here, Marsha why are you crying?" Marsha responded, "We were just talking about our friend that died last week." There was a kid that had died the previous week, we knew him but he wasn't a friend. Good call Marsha; guess it would be harder to explain to your boyfriend that you were in love with the guy standing in front of him. Marsha and her boyfriend stood across from me for the rest of the night. When he wasn't looking, Marsha would stare directly in my eyes and shake her head. At the end of the night, Dan hit me on the shoulder and said, "Dude, you know you fucked up on that big time?"
"How did I fuck up, she's all over her BF!"
"For the whole summer man, whenever you walked away, she could stop talking about you."
"Well how the hell was I supposed to know? You should have told me man!"
"You should have known, whenever she walked away you did the same!"
And he was right, I had ignored all the signs, I had convinced myself that I had not fallen for her. All the times I had come out water surfing and she had my towel laid out for me, and my water bottle ready. All the times that she would ensure to ride shotgun with me when I was driving. The "Hey, I picked up and extra coffee for you" Every morning, the offers to drive when I didn't want to drive, the cute "Let's take a picture together". It was all there, missed opportunities. Marsha and I still keep in touch to this day. Five years ago she gave birth to a son. A week later she emailed a picture of him and a caption that read, "I named him Thomas, isn't he adorable?” She had given him my middle name, a name that she had always called me instead of my first name. I can only think at this point, what could have been? They say that it's no use crying over spilt milk, but I think we both shed some tears.
Devils Advocate

"Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss." ~Author Unknown

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." ~Thomas Edison

Saturday, July 17, 2010


I never meant for it to end like this. I was naive to think we would stay friends. I had broken his heart too many times, he deserved better. I was a repeat offender and I hated myself for causing him so much pain. I wasn't suppose to fall for him, but before I knew what was happening I was submerged in an emotional affair so intense that I couldn't walk away. I wanted more, I needed more and yet as the days went by and the content and volume of correspondence intensified it became harder to see past the momentary bliss and be aware of the trauma and drama that was bound to blow up in my face.
I couldn't walk away now I was in too deep and I was addicted to the lust and attention. Until the day the walls came crashing down. I knew the final storm was looming for weeks and yet when the thunderstorm finally hit I was surprised. I didn't cry, I was calm; the shock remained for days after.
I was the villain and I deserved all the harsh words and yelling thrown at me. As painful a decision I knew it was for the best. For the first time in too long I was at peace, the future was no longer a dead end road but instantly became a highway with seemingly endless possibilities.
I use to be in love with him, madly in love and now I would always be remembered as the one that broke his heart that killed the dream. Even after all the lies and screaming matches he still was madly in love with me. I wish he had fallen out of love, and then maybe death wouldn't have seemed so bad. I still loved him, always will but I was no longer in love him, I wish I still was. I wish I knew why I had fallen out of love and why I couldn't find it in me to try harder to repair the damage. But, what happened wasn't fixable I had come to that conclusion months ago.
As D said shortly after I broke the news, "You seem to pick the fixer uppers, the clean shaven, muscular, tattooed bad boys. Clearly that's not working for you. Maybe, you need to look in the opposite direction and find yourself a suit man, a Mr. Big (minus all the commitment issues)"
I had two very different "prince charmings" offering me two very different futures. Someone was going to get hurt and then I took a giant leap of fate and accepted a proposal from a man I barely knew.

Much To Do About Nothing

Started writing this post last night in the midst of an alcohol induced moment of genius and then fell asleep with the computer on my lap and the bottle of vodka half empty.
Here's a first and you are right D, it was bound to happen at some point. An alcohol induced post much to do about nothing. I don't watch TV all that much anymore. All the good shows are off the air now. When I do, I watch The Good Wife, Drop Dead Diva (a guilty pleasure), Criminal Minds, Dateline and 48 Hours Mystery. Been writing after work for the last couple weeks and haven't even watched the news. Made myself the first of many stiff vodka cocktails tonight. I typically never drink unless I'm on vacation or it's been a really bad day. Which today was, thankfully I'll be back on the beach sipping frozen strawberry daiquiris before I know it. After which I will begin the daunting task of once again boxing up my life. I'm moving to start my second business (third if you count this blog). You never know where I might end up, maybe JSR and I will be neighbors. That would be funny and cruel, but don't worry I don't plan to ever live in a nondescribe suburbia wasteland which even though it's technically considered part of Miami proper is so far from the ironic image of Ocean Drive with the neon lights and sunny beaches. This is nothing wrong with this, but when you portray yourselves to be big shot upper management types well a depressing ranch home forty minutes inland is just wrong.
I'm excited about growing the business and also incredibly nervous. With both J and V at crossroads in their lives it's perfect timing for the gang to reunite.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Rainy Day

For someone who normally is the ball buster, sarcastic bitch this was a first. I don't fear change, I embrace it, and I needed it more than ever. I knew this situation while it could continue forever I couldn't mentally or emotionally take much more. With each passing day I was losing a part of myself, sinking quickly into the deep blue abyss. I only had myself to blame for this and only I could save myself. It felt like rain, the crashing down of a broken heart. The sound of not only my world, but also many others shifting gears.
Pulling the plug on what was left of a relationship that was on life support was one of the most difficult decisions. It was more complicated than most and our lives will forever be intertwined. It no longer could be fixed. I had given it seven years, but ultimately our personality differences that once were part of the attraction had become the kiss of death. These signature characteristics would never change, no matter how many hours of couples counseling we endured.
I know I made the right decision, but it remains a nightmare. In a moment of honeymoon bliss we had set ourselves up for personal failure. Most couples get a break from their partner when they go to work and at least one day off. In our situation, we worked together, lived together and slept together. Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year, minus a few weeks of vacation. I don't know of many relationships that have survived this fate. But, we were in the honeymoon phrase and were blind to think it might not last forever. No one wants to think about the dark side of love. The heartbreak, the rejection, the fights, the jealousy, the bitterness, the resentment, the anger and then the death of a once fairytale dream.
But, we were on a dead end road. I wish he had ended the misery so I won't feel like the bad guy. I always felt the bad guy for stomping on the puppy's heart. It didn't matter how much I screamed or kicked in all the years he had never left my side. I used him as a verbally punching bag on too many occasions and every time I blew up I wished he would walk away and forget about me. He deserved more I deserved more. But, I knew this was his dream and once was my dream and because of this I had a guilty conscience and I tried harder to make it work until the day it died.


En·chant·ing (n-chntng)

Adj - capturing interest as if by a spell; "bewitching smile"; "Roosevelt was a captivating speaker"; "enchanting music"; "an enthralling book"; "antique papers of entrancing design"; "a fascinating woman"
Having the power to enchant; charming: enchanting music.
Pleasing to the eye or mind especially through beauty or charm;

It was a night beyond compare, an absolutely wonderful dinner at Samba, followed by an enchanting two hour conversation at a cozy bar. We sat there gazing at each other, completely ignoring the world. This was the last night of our marathon weekend date and I didn't want it to end. I had convinced SP to spend the night at my hotel.
I woke in the middle of the night, as she lay there in her peaceful beauty, I could only admire her. Her soft silky skin, her sensuous curves were irresistible to me. As I lay there, I found it more and more difficult to resist her. I gently ran my fingertips down her back, as her body began to twitch; an alluring smile appeared on her face.
She is enchanting. Since that weekend, the days seem longer, even with all our daily chats. Our next date is way overdue.
Devils Advocate


"Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment"

Love – Noun

1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (Used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.a love affair; an intensely amorous; incident amour.
7.sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (Initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.Chiefly Tennis. A score of zero; nothing.
14.a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L."

"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile." - Elizabeth Browning

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you...
Devils Advocate

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Pandora's Box

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
The second obstacle in a life-altering year has been completed. The first of course being the day my heart was stomped on and thrown out with the trash. Moving past the pain and getting to my new happy place is how I came to the second biggest challenge, writing down my heartache and documenting it in an open diary time capsule.
Yesterday, we closed another chapter in a life once lived. However, this time there is no lock and key. The past, no matter how painful to relive must not be altered. It is a permanent reminder of a timeless emotional roller coaster that we have survived and documents the dramatic transition in our spiritual and emotional well being. In the same breath the hurt and resentment is forever present. I've spent the last couple weeks reading, re reading and dissecting my tattooed soul and no matter how many months or years pass my heart will never ever fully recover from the trauma inflicted.
It seems that just as I thought I was truly free from the ghosts the hurt and confusion has resurfaced. Another reason I wanted to terminate the comment option before was so that I never had to chance hearing from M and company ever again. But, their comments will forever by attached to this blog and my heart. Much like a car accident, I shouldn't look but I'm curious. The blog has in a way become a Pandora’s box. I can't help but look at the archives and yet by doing this I move a step back and I'm once again confronted with the emotional wounds of a past life. Back to therapy I go. The past unfortunately can never be forgotten no matter how hard I try to forget. If only I didn't have a soul like M and company, I too could go about life not caring about the emotional aftermath of my actions and words. I've got a big heart, sometimes too large for my own good. Never again, life is forever altered. Guts, glory and passion are the next journey in this serendipitous new life.

Peanut Gallery

I have mixed emotions about once again allowing strangers comment and pick apart my life. I'm not writing to get respect or fame and fortune. I'm writing for myself, but at the same time this is an investment in the future. For that reason alone, I have agreed to temporarily reinstate the back seat driver commentary.
Since we removed the feature, I was less stressed. While the blog is public when no one can publicly comment it feels more like a private diary which has allowed me to write more freely and honestly.
But looking back on certain entries it is difficult to understand them without reading the comments they are in reference to. From a business perspective it is necessary for the time being to allow random people to be little and slander my existence and talent. I've got thick skin so bring it on!
Last night we officially began the long awaited journey to get our story published. In just over three months we have written over three hundred pages. I took a deep breath as I clicked send and with that a decade of memories, trauma and drama were let out into the literary world. A part of me is relieved and calm, yet at the same time terrified for the response. Is it noteworthy or just another story of brokenhearted women seeking revenge? So far the immediate reviews are positive and while I'm thrilled with the interest I am also incredibly nervous about having someone edit away my life.

Bring It On!!

So it's been about a month now since we removed the comment feature. Life has changed and continuing with our up beat tone this month we have decided to reinstate the peanut gallery feature. Although we have slightly altered whom can comment so as to avoid unproductive and slandering anonymous posts. If for some reason we continue to get anonymous comments we unfortunately will once again remove the feature.
We have a bunch of new readers, many of whom are unaware of the back-story and history of our lives and how the past and present briefly met again on this blog. So, we felt it was only appropriate for our new followers to read the whole Love Bites saga.
You never know who is reading, maybe one day Lisa or Andy will also come across our words. We got lots of great material from JSR and company when they voiced their opinions last month. Even thou the words were unproductive and rude they make for fabulous reading and entertainment value. So, I say bring it on. Plus now we had not one, but two bouncers supporting and protecting us against the Jackass Sewer Rats and Big Bad Wolves.

Don't Player Hate...Participate

‎‎"A man who misses his opportunity, and monkey who misses his branch, cannot be saved." -HINDU PROVERB

It's funny how once you expose yourself in the public eye, how you are suddenly at their mercy. For me this blog is a fun activity, it allows me to share my thoughts with a group of people I normally would never reach. But please do not think for a minute that this blog is how I communicate to SP. Our conversations are more intense and at the same time light hearted. Truthfully, this blog will not be your insight to our relationship; it is merely a fleeting glance, if that. But we have exposed ourselves somewhat to you, and this is a good thing, however our relationship goes much deeper than this blog.
There will be no missed opportunities between us; we are determined to enjoy as much time as we can together. Will we be together forever? Who are we to even pretend we know what forever really is. What I do know is that everyday we are together we look forward to tomorrow. Until that comes to an end, we will be having a fabulous time.

Don't hate the player hate the game.

Devils Advocate

The Lady That Molded Me

Each of us are different, we all have different experiences and influences. My greatest influence was my mother, my belief system, my drive for life, my optimistic outlook of life and love, and my stubborn belief that you control your own destiny, all because of this one lady.
As I was returning this evening from my nightly run, I noticed an array of falling stars, just about every 30 seconds you could see a pitching star. As I sat there in awe, it hit me. Tomorrow will be the 6-year anniversary of my mother's passing. Six and a half years ago I received a call from my sister, she basically said, can you come home right away Mom isn't doing so well. My mother had been a cancer survivor for 11 years. I lived about 2000 miles from my birth place, I gave my notice effective immediately, packed all my belongings, and had everything shipped home. Two weeks later as I was home. As I exited customs into the reception lounge, there she was, the lady who had brought me into this world, and had threatened many times to take me back out. She was much thinner than remembered, but that beautiful smile had not changed, she had a smile that was infectious. She just stood there smiling and crying, all she said was "I am glad you are home."
The next six months was intense, I spent every minute with her, and everyone else was working, so she was mine all day, everyday. Between the doctors visits and the Chemo, we would go for long rides and picnics. As a kid I remembered that every Sunday she would take me for a car ride in the country, now it was my turn to return the favor.
My mother was 16 when she got married; at 17 she had her first kid (my brother), first car and first house on a large plot of land my grandmother had given her. By 21 she had my sister, was the only certified midwife in town, and was on her way to becoming the first certified secretary. At 31 she was pregnant with twins, my brother and I, yes there were 2 of us. Four years later, my brother died at the hands of an incompetent doctor. By the end of her career, my mother was the highest paid Account Executive in our government, boasting a large salary and 8 weeks vacation with full travel paid for she and her family.

In those 6 months, right before my eyes, my mom went from a still strong thinner version of my childhood to a helpless lady. When she first took ill, she made my sister and I promise that she would not spend her last months in a hospital. We hired nurses, rented oxygen, bought a hospital bed; the upstairs of our family house was now a sophisticated private hospital for the next 3 weeks. I remember that I was on my way home, when my mobile phone rang, "***** you have to come to the hospital now, mom isn't going to make it, we are in the cancer ward", it was my sis, and I was at least 20 minutes from the hospital. The next 30 minutes was a blur, I remember running into the ward and into her private room. The room was stark white, large window; with a large tree outside with beautiful red flowers, there a small brown bird sitting on the sill. As I approached her bed, she looked me straight in the eyes with that beautiful smile, then her head fell to the side, the bird flew around the room and then out through the window.
We spent the next week choosing flowers, casket and making all the arrangements. I was in charge of the eulogy, I had written myself, rehearsed it hundreds of times, and had it memorized. As I stood up in front of that overflowing church, I felt instantly sick, a feeling that words cannot describe.
Because of her position in government, police escort of the mandatory. So many people showed up at the private burial site, that they closed the gates to stop the in flux of mourners.

My mother believed that you were the captain of your ship, and you determine what and how much you get out of life. She never settled for second best, she always said, "if it isn’t working for you, you must change it, otherwise you only have yourself to blame". Her biggest lesson was, "you will never know unless you try, if you fail, at least you know what not to do."
I have always lived my life by her words, and I have had a wonderful life as a result. It was not an easy road by any means, but I know I would not be where I am without her philosophies. Something to think about my fellow readers.
Today is the turning point...remember that you are the captain of your destiny...never relinquish control...always plot your own course...
Devils Advocate

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sublime Utopia of Sorts

People come and go from our lives, relationships die and new love blossoms. We all at one point get in a rut; it becomes our comfort zone in a sometimes-hectic world. We push off dreams and objectives until tomorrow, figuring that what we are doing today will help get us to the next best place.
The safety of the known, even if it's not exciting is the same support system that a cushy corporate job provides. Some people find comfort in this life because the pros to having incentives, insurance and 401k allow one to built a family and home by knowing what is on the horizon.
The risk of jumping overboard guarantees you nothing. It only guarantees from that day on your life will never be written on paper. Seemingly endless possibilities and many more doors are opened.
Not much surprises me anymore. I've experienced more in my short existence that sometimes I forget just how young I really am. I can only imagine where my life will take me in the future.
The pieces to a once puzzling existence are ever so quickly coming together. It's a super surreal feeling and for the first time I am excited that I know what is on the horizon. As the days and weeks go by, writing has become my meditative moment of bliss. I can't wait to sit down at the end of a crazy day and just be one with my Mac Book. I go to bed hopeful and happy.
It's been a long, long time in the making. The one-year anniversary of the death of M is fast approaching, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. I'm no longer chained to the past or heartbroken (I never really was, more like stabbed and raped). So much has changed and at the same time so little has. I am still the same person, I go above and beyond for my friends, but I do guard my heart and question peoples true intentions more intensely than I use to. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I can add writer to my resume now and eventually author. All this because of an email. Wow! My life is forever altered, thank you so much M and company. I'll send you the first copy, autographed and all.
Have a sublime night everyone!
(By the way, there is a hidden meaning to the word sublime. Ask your husband. Ah, good times. Never did get around to the amateur film. What a shame.)

Dead and Gone

Is Miami dead and gone? As I was planning my next trip (dates are secret. I prefer an ambush attack this time) I found myself questioning if I really wanted to spend another vacation here. Then I had another funny question why had I been going here to begin with? What had been the allure all those years ago? Then I remembered why. M. Which then brought on another funny question, who is M? After a second I remembered. M is the jackass sewer rat that started this entire writing bug. What happened between M and I? Oh, that's right. The lust, the affair, the "fun girl" label, the wedding, the kids, the forbidden fruit, the break up, the cowardly lion. How silly of me to have forgotten who M was.
How far I have come in such a short period. I can barely remember his real name these days. When I attempt to remember our history together the flashbacks are no longer relevant. I could walk right past him today and not even do a double take.
So I come back to the original question, why Miami? Yes, the city is sexy in certain parts and in others it could be anywhere U.S.A. I've never been a big fan of clubs or staying out until 5 am partying so that type of nightlife doesn't intrigue me. I have my favorite bars, restaurants, and shops and for the most part I visit the same haunts.
In recent trips I have created my own memories and made new friends and acquaintances. When I stopped in the other week to one of my popular restaurants, I felt like I was at Cheers. Everyone knew my name, the bartender was already making me a drink and the Chef came out to greet me. M and company could have been sitting right next to me and I wouldn't have cared, I was home.
But, there is a whole world of other places just like this. So, why have I been limiting myself to this particular place? In the past there was an allure besides the palm trees and beaches, but even then the Miami I saw thru M's eyes is far from the heart of the seductive and glamorous version I call home.
Everyone gets in their ruts and sometimes the comfort of the expected is more relaxing then exploring a new frontier. Since, this month is all about changes I wonder if I need a time out from the sunshine state and this time it's because I want to not because I don't want to run into the sewer rats.

Thank You For Your Well Wishes

Ah.... The Man is back. Love it! Believe me when I tell you that I am truly a fan of your postings, they always give me things to ponder. We were raised in two different worlds, with different influences and experiences. My life has been shaped by my experiences and so has yours. Do we have types? In some form we all do, but we should never limit ourselves or sell ourselves short. That was the essence of my posts, I have lived my life exploring and experimenting, it has worked well for me, and I can honestly say that I don't regret a day of it. I have always been a shrewd businessman and I haven't gotten to where I am by holding back. Like investing, in life you have to gamble. This is not a game for the faint of heart. Welcome back!
Devils Advocate

Life...Controlled Chaos

Ser·en·dip·i·ty [ser-uh n-dip-i-tee]
1. An aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

Butterfly Effect
1. A cumulatively large effect that a very small natural force may produce over a period of time.
Origin: 1980–85; so called from the notion that the fluttering of a butterfly's wings may set off currents that will grow into a large storm

Certainly bumping into SP in Whole Foods was an act of luck, or was it? Was it one of life's handouts, looking to see what we would do with it? I could have bumped into the older lady behind her, don't think the outcome would have been quite the same. Certainly fits into the definition of serendipity. The butterfly flapped her wings and the storm ensued.
My mother always said everything happens for a reason, of course it does. Really wish I had seen Lisa that day in New York. I would have gone and bought a lottery ticket, and me and my beautiful SP would be somewhere in a vineyard in France sipping wine right now. These series of seemingly unreal events continue to be my road signs in my journey of life. How many of us would have honestly flown hundreds of miles to be with someone that you met in a Whole Foods? Not many of you, you would have exchanged phone calls daily for the first week. Then you go to once a week, after 2 months, that person is a faded memory on the road you were traveling. I say that to say this, the butterfly effect does exist. However we are in control of how we handle the ensuing storm.
My mornings are never boring, of recent I look forward to getting up and starting my day with a lighthearted conversation with SP. This prepares me for my flood of corporate email, text messages and voicemails. After a horrible day yesterday, and four hours of sleep this morning, I woke up to just two things on my phone. A missed call and a text, five minutes apart. The missed call was from Ms. Fabulous (aka SP), can't believe I missed her call, first time. The text read, "Sorry I woke you up last morning...I am glad you are happy, I know you will make her very happy, coz that's how you are." It was from Lisa. I had a tear in my eye this morning, not because of the text, but because I hit my toe on the edge of the door rushing to grab my iPad to check if SP had emailed me. Exes are called that for a reason, they were passing attractions on the journey of life and they leave us with fond memories. You have three choices:

1. Pull over and stand still, entrenched with those memories and goes nowhere.
2. Turn around and go back to that little town called Ex-ville, and realize that there was a reason we left that small town.
3. Keep on driving, Destination: the rest of your LIFE!

Can I please have option three, with a side of SP, in fact, supersize that and can I have it to go. Thank you.

I believe in the Butterfly Effect, and I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that you are in charge of your destiny. This is why I can confidently say that bumping into that cart in Whole Foods was life altering, and SP and I will be having the time of our life together.

Devils Advocate

The Man is Back!'s been a while since my last post, so I guess I need to catch up. I see we have a new addition to the circle, I would like to welcome you (Devils Advocate formerly McDreamy) but at the same time I must give you fair warning that I may comment as to what you write, and I hope you do the same...
Finally the odds are even! Well, not really. McDreamy will be writing and holding back due to his newfound relationship and somewhat scared to say things that would make him look bad. I on the other hand have always said what I feel (sometimes too much information) but that's just me. I wish you two the best in your relationship, but think this is a very risky situation. The first few months are usually perfect in relationships (very little fighting/arguing) the cute names for each other come out during that period, and the adventure/lust is on fire. Due to your distance apart, this could work out either way, it could make you crave each other more or pull you apart and bring dissatisfaction due to your yearning to be together. You may find it's easier to find someone local to give you your physical needs, while she will be entertained with the cute messages and phone calls. Men are physical by, I have to ask...although it seems perfect at this point in time, would either of you be willing to give it up to be closer? (I'm sure your answer will be yes, for now) It's just so cute to see couples when they first get
I, in no way, am trying to pick on you. In fact I am really happy for you. I did have to disagree on one point you made though. You mentioned that "we" shouldn't limit ourselves to a "type", but in fact we all do. (Pretty, skinny, chubby, common interests etc.) We are creatures of habit, not to a particular "type" but we know what we like, and what we do not. We have all tried someone/ something else before and either liked, or hated it. We have fabricated the "ideal" person for us through the years, so as for saying we don't have a "type", we actually do. I will give you a great example of something I saw on TV. As children we are trained to have certain self-esteem, if you were cute as a child, you were always being told this. We have created a number scale as to what we think we are. (For example 1-10) The show I watched had you write down what number you perceived yourself as, then they had women on the other side of the room in witch you had to walk to someone who you thought was the same rating...It showed we choose those very close to the scale we are. (Unless you thought you was the BOMB). After that, they had the women wear skin tight body suits and only show their silhouette behind a curtain, 90% of the time we were aroused by just that alone. So, in fact, we do have a "type".
As far as me, I know what I like, and don't like. I have tried those who are different from the others, but the reality is I am attracted to physical first. (As are most of us) then come communication, then interaction, and interests and so on. If you worked on Wall Street would you want someone who worked at McDonalds? If you worked out regularly would you want someone who didn't care about their health? We tend to choose our mate due to compatibility levels and usually choose those who have common interests. Sure we have all seen those couples that just don’t match (tall with short, skinny with fat, old with young) but in all those relationships, those were their "type". Your "type" has been a learning process throughout your growing years, sometimes where you live, other times your circle of friends, and yet other times influenced by TV. The reality of the matter is that one day you will realize what is important to you and not worry what everyone else is thinking, whatever and whomever makes you happy, is all that matters. Don’t change who you are as a person for someone might get lost and forget who you are; they met you as "you".
The Man