Thursday, July 15, 2010

Rainy Day

For someone who normally is the ball buster, sarcastic bitch this was a first. I don't fear change, I embrace it, and I needed it more than ever. I knew this situation while it could continue forever I couldn't mentally or emotionally take much more. With each passing day I was losing a part of myself, sinking quickly into the deep blue abyss. I only had myself to blame for this and only I could save myself. It felt like rain, the crashing down of a broken heart. The sound of not only my world, but also many others shifting gears.
Pulling the plug on what was left of a relationship that was on life support was one of the most difficult decisions. It was more complicated than most and our lives will forever be intertwined. It no longer could be fixed. I had given it seven years, but ultimately our personality differences that once were part of the attraction had become the kiss of death. These signature characteristics would never change, no matter how many hours of couples counseling we endured.
I know I made the right decision, but it remains a nightmare. In a moment of honeymoon bliss we had set ourselves up for personal failure. Most couples get a break from their partner when they go to work and at least one day off. In our situation, we worked together, lived together and slept together. Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year, minus a few weeks of vacation. I don't know of many relationships that have survived this fate. But, we were in the honeymoon phrase and were blind to think it might not last forever. No one wants to think about the dark side of love. The heartbreak, the rejection, the fights, the jealousy, the bitterness, the resentment, the anger and then the death of a once fairytale dream.
But, we were on a dead end road. I wish he had ended the misery so I won't feel like the bad guy. I always felt the bad guy for stomping on the puppy's heart. It didn't matter how much I screamed or kicked in all the years he had never left my side. I used him as a verbally punching bag on too many occasions and every time I blew up I wished he would walk away and forget about me. He deserved more I deserved more. But, I knew this was his dream and once was my dream and because of this I had a guilty conscience and I tried harder to make it work until the day it died.

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