Monday, May 31, 2010

Dating with Baggage

I assume there are always times where we think this may be "the one", but reality is we never really know, until we know. Why do we get our hopes up? Maybe because we want it so badly, we think it's our turn, or there is so many things in common that we think to ourselves it couldn't be more perfect. In fact, nothing is perfect; we create what is perfect for ourselves. I also believed that one day I would finally meet Mrs. right for me. I have dated hundreds; I know what I like, what I don’t like, and what I can live with.
Let me start off with a little more of the story. I am 36, she was 43, I have never been married, she has, I have no children, she has one (17) she has tried the dating scene but wants a "relationship", so do I, we had so much in common as far as our likes/dislikes, and the kicker, born on the same day! I thought that would be my storybook ending.
Friday night: The date was perfect, neither one of us could really eat, due to our nervousness, so we just had drinks and enjoyed each others company. There were times where no words had to be said, I asked if she was uncomfortable with the silence, but all words were spoken through body language and our hands. (Nothing dirty) A feeling of fresh air at last! It seems I’ve been breathing through a straw until I met her. Many things were said to me that otherwise I would have run away, but I loved to hear those words coming out of her mouth. She was everything I ever hoped for and thought finally it's my turn! We talked about the next days' plan as we took a walk. Time didn't matter, but as I looked around, I noticed we were the only two left, and it had been the most enjoyable 5 hours I have ever had. I wanted to hurry home so I could sleep and see her again. We said our goodbyes. On the drive home we spoke the whole way home, talking about how amazing it was.
Saturday: I woke with a text from her (which put a huge smile on my face). She wanted me to come to see her as soon as possible, and I wanted the same. As I pulled in, she awaited me in the most perfect sundress, hair tied back, and a hug and kiss that were heaven sent. I asked what she wanted to do, she mentioned, "if you don't mind, lets just relax and watch some movies. Sounded great to me! Her house was spotless, smelled great and had touches of class & style everywhere. We shared a few glasses of wine, talked much more, and decided to put the movies in. She then stated that it was much more comfortable in her bedroom watching the movies. (Some will say that is a great sign, but I didn't want to sleep with her yet...well, I did want to, but I prefer to wait) I was laying next to her, her door was open, I was unsure if her son would come home, so I behaved as any gentleman would. We didn't even share a kiss...that was strange to me, I gave her a back rub and didn't receive the affection I had prior received. One movie down, and hours of more talking. (Everything was flowing perfectly). I thought due to the fact her son may come home, is why the affection may had been lacking, due to the night before. She prepared dinner and insisted I didn't help. Again me with the affectionate soft kissing of the neck & shoulders, and a warm hug and kiss met me this time. She mentioned there was a graduation party of a friends of her the following day, and asked If I would join her. (Great sign. she wanted to introduce me to her friends). It was getting late and again we said our goodbyes. Which brings me to Sunday and today.

Sunday: I awake without a text (like every other morning the past week). I called and no answer, so I sent a text. I received a text "I have been in bed all morning, I don’t feel good today" Hmmmm, that's weird I thought so I hoped she felt better and wondered if she was going to go to the party later...a few hours later she said" if I feel better" I didn't get my normal good night, missing you, or any thing good this day. My mind was racing, "Did I do something wrong", "Is this another one full of crap", "What changed?" Maybe she didn't really feel good, but at least a courtesy text I felt I deserved. Maybe the fact that whatever guy she tried to date, her son tried to push away.... I’m just not sure!

Her son: 17 years old, doesn’t have a girlfriend, somewhat a momma's boy. Years ago, there was a bad storm in her country and she lost him for almost two weeks and stated she would never leave his side again. Could this be the reason? Was I what she wanted and that scared her? Was she thinking of his feelings instead of her own? Too much was so right. He returned home after I had left and I have never met him. He was at the beach while I was there and didn't come home til after I left. This puts me in a strange place...I am usually the one being chased, desired, and told, "I am exactly what they want”. For the first time, in a very long time, she could be all I wanted, but could this be the first sign she would run when things get tough? I stand alone, my mind & me.
Glad to see you're back "love guru" aka MV.
The Man

Bar Ballet

I might not know much about the mind of a man, but I get the feeling that men are just as, if not more confused about the opposite sex. Women tend to be more emotional and vocal about what they want in a man, which typically backfires and the man runs away. Acting too needy, being to independent, successful, out spoken will frighten a few as well. Be yourself, that's what everyone says, but for those of us who don't wake up looking like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, we probably won't attract the person of our dreams with bed head or sweats. First impressions in the blink of an eye can tell us so much about a person, whether it's accurate or not.
Mc Dreamy volunteered to drive me to the airport this morning, he walked me to the terminal and we said our goodbyes. It was rather emotional, which is funny given we basically just met. He said he would call me later and he did. We talked on the phone for an hour, but at last we had to say goodbye.
After landing in New York City and unpacking I took a walk around and found myself at a chic looking cafe with open windows and a sidewalk patio packed with a mix of college age kids, young couples and married families. I sit down at the intimidating bar, with it's glass mirrors, copper frame, gothic chandeliers over head and order a house cocktail, Black Velvet, a after dark version of a mimosa the bartender said. Blackberry liquor and puree mixed with sparkling wine. Yummy. As I sat and people watched I began to wonder who all these people are, what they do for a living, what brought them here to this restaurant tonight. Based on their appearances and brief bits of over heard conversation I make up assumptions about their life and personality. It's a rather fun game to play if you are ever out for drinks alone.
For instance, a woman wearing a pound of makeup and all dolled up as a walking billboard for a designer, are wannabes, they want your money and they are high maintenance and have low self-esteem. Conservatively dressed women, can go either way, but typically they are incredibly boring in conversations. The quiet girl at the end of the bar, she is the wild card. She is classy and mysterious, but if read wrong may appear like a diva. She is a free spirited, independent woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after it.
The chase to find tonight’s one nightstand is like watching the ballet. Suitors trotting over to the newest meat, the polite and ideal chit chat, the fake laughter at cheesy jokes, drinks, more drinks, flirting, touching, more ideal chit chat. The next morning waking up in a stranger’s home, doing the shame walk back to reality.
Thankfully I have a seemingly great guy in my life now.


All this drama and self-pity could have easily been avoided. All I've ever wanted was just the answer to an apparently impossible question, "why?" If JSR had just explained his feelings, his actions, anything for that matter, life would have continued as usual. I gave him multiple chances to make good on his past mistakes, but I never heard from him. One day he was a part of me life, the next dead and gone. I guess he never really knew me after all or what I was capable of doing when pushed to the tipping point. It's funny that he thought I would let it go, move on without a word, as if his words were the law. What goes around always come back around? That's the thing about karma and crimes of the heart; they will never be free from your conscience. Trauma and embarrassment are bound to bite you in the ass down the road.
Revenge isn't always sweet. More often the revenge plan backfires and the pain and embarrassment of betrayal is relived again. If done correctly and without emotional attachment, revenge can be the sweetest form of closure and peace with an unfinished past.
I want to make one thing very clear; none of this plan is in hopes of ever making up with JSR and being friends again. I don't want him as a friend anymore. No amount of apologies could ever repair the damage and pain he has caused me. So, then why am I going into the Lions den? Why can't I just let it go? Everyone has a different way of dealing with grief. For me, confronting the ghost, seeing him one last time is my way of bringing closure to the past. Blindsiding him and seeing the look on his face is more important than actually speaking to him, as there are no words left to say.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Dream Girl

Lets go back to "the one"...

Thursday: we talked for several hours about what we would plan for our Friday night date/meet; we decided to keep things simple and go for a few drinks & appetizers. She picked an Italian restaurant close to her house. I didn't mind the drive; it actually (usually) helps me relax on the way there.
Friday: I knew I had a busy workday ahead of me but I wanted to make sure things would be perfect. We texted & talked back and forth most of the day. I was nervous, she was nervous. This was not like me at all. It's just another date, I thought to myself, but it just seemed we had so many things in common. My day was hectic to say the least, it rained, my phone died a few times and I had so much to do when I got home (shower, shave, and manscape just in case). As the hours of the day seemed to just fly bye, I realized my bank was closing very soon...Holy crap!! I have twenty bucks in my pocket!!! I needed to hurry or my plans were ruined! I made it to the bank with two minutes to spare. I proceeded to get ready, but nothing seemed to look good this day. I must have worn those clothes a hundred times with no issues before, but today was different. I looked to see the time and I had to make my final decision. Done! Well, I'm out the door, like it or not. As I was driving the questions in my mind were racing "hope I like her", "hope she likes me", "will I set a good first impression"," did I choose the right things to wear?” Too many things to think about as I chugged my Red bull. (Bad idea).... The drive was horrible, my stomach was turning, I began to sweat, and feeling of sickness and being lightheaded came upon me. I was within ten minutes when she stated she would be there soon as well.
The place was packed, but somehow things were just falling in place. I got a front row parking spot just as she was pulling up. I walked towards her knowing the first impression was everything. WOW!! She was everything I expected, and I assume I was to her as well, as she almost jumped on me with that huge hug and kiss. We had an amazing night together, I didn't want it to end, but knew we had made plans for tomorrow as well. Here the journey of is this "the one" begins.
The Man

Imitation of Life

Why did it just dawn on me? We were one man short of reenacting the classic and uncomfortable meeting of the exes and their new lovers. The only difference is that I unknowingly agreed to participate in the game. Of course his wife questioned who I was, why she was meeting me in person, why JSR had gone out of his way to find me again. I had been asking myself the same questions for the last six months and now I might never get the answers. Was he wondering what married life would have been like with me, making sure he made the right choice? Perhaps all these years, he hadn't been pushing me away because he was commitment phobic, but rather because I was. All the times he talked about moving somewhere exotic for work were bullshit, ego boosters. The life he aspired to have was not a realistic goal for him, it was a hopeful dream. He has settled down and given up the partying ways of a bachelor lifestyle in exchange for a lifetime of corporate brown nosing, family vacations to Disneyland and occasional sexual encounters.
Art imitates life and life imitates art. I look to sex and the city for relationship advice as the story of Carrie and Big seems all too familiar. I have experienced nearly every event they acted out. Carrie and Big aren't real and yet millions of women look up to them for words of wisdom and relationship advice, myself included. (I realize this must sound a bit nuts, but it often feels like I have a minor advantage of knowing what to expect for the future and what the actions of the past may have meant.)
So where does this story, my story, go? What does the future hold for me? I wish I knew.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Lucky Charms

I know I must let it go and move on. Of course, this is much easier said than done. In a couple years I'm sure I will look back at this time in my life and realize how stupid I was for obsessing about a man who now is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. But, for today I'm not in that happy place quite yet. I can't wait until I am and thru this blog diary I think I will be there soon.
Why do I obsess over this one? What is it about him that I can't forget? There were others whom I've long forgotten about. I don't have negative feelings towards them even thou we broke up. So then what is my obsession with JSR? I don't want to do a wife swap, yet a part of me wonders what it would be like if I were in the wife’s place. Why do I continue to torture myself over someone who has long forgotten about me and whom I meant nothing to?
Writing has become my outlet. Had someone told me I would one day be writing about a man I knew a million years ago I would have said you're nuts. If rainbows appear after rainstorms, then the light at the end of this dark tunnel is sublime happiness and sweet, sweet revenge.
I've come up with a few alternate pen names for me. There is Pumpkin Rose, my fake porn star name, (the name of my first pet and the street I grew up on.) It surprisingly has a nice ring to it. Lucky charms was another name, although it sounds like a stripper name. Super fly love guru, I kind of like this one, but maybe it's a bit much. Words for thought. Happy a great weekend everyone!

Dating in the 21st Century

Where do I begin? Another perfect date with Mc Dreamy. The man can cook, I wonder if he can do laundry too. Dining in at his place, which is gorgeous and surprisingly more chic than fraternity house. He made linguini with tomatoes and clams and we shared a bottle of wine.
Of course the eventual question, "So why is someone as perfect as you still single?" comes up and I didn't want to do the double handed salute to my ex, but I also want to be honest and let him know where I'm coming from. His ex lives in California now. It doesn't sound like it was all that bitter a divorce. More so that they just grew apart and she decided she didn't want to have children. (Which he does)
After a couple glasses of wine, I tell him that I really enjoyed spending time with him and I would like to see where it goes, but that I have been offered a job in New York City and I will be moving. It's only four dates in and I must sound like I'm already planning the rest of our lives together, but I'm rusty on the dating rules and regulations of the twenty first century. I'm an all in or nothing kind of gal and I'd rather put all my cards out on the table today. I'm not getting any younger and I've got to be honest with myself and any man that comes into my life. I'm not a woman who is going to have dinner ready for you when you get home unless it's takeout. I don't cook, I have a housekeeper and I won't deny myself the pleasure of buying a pair of ridiculously expensive shoes. So if you are looking for Susie homemaking, PTA, polo shirt and pleated jeans wearing, soccer mom, driving a mini van, life partner I am NOT for you.
So after I tell him all this and briefly mention the love bites saga (which he thought was a great idea), he says that he loves New York and will now have an excuse to visit more often.
I'm on cloud nine right now.

What is Love?

This whole blog is based on the topic of love. The good, the bad and the ugly, but what is the meaning of love? A feeling of intense emotion and connection with someone? A desire to spend all your time with this one person and never wanting them to leave your life. But why? What causes this reaction, this feeling? Do we thrive off the attention, the sweet words, and the flirtation? At what point do you decide that this is "the one"? The one person in the whole entire universe that truly understands you and that you want to be with all day, every day, for the rest of your life. In fifteen years are you going to be glad you made this decision or will you be wondering what if there was someone better right around the corner?
It seems like the three little words, "I Love You," are carelessly thrown out as a last resort to win the affection of our desire. That everything that happened prior to declaring your love didn't matter. That the fix for a fight is to abruptly declare your unconditional love. Like pulling the Joker card. After hearing it enough it starts to feel so fake and meaningless. If you want to stick by my side, you will regardless of what endearing words are said or not said.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Confessions from The Man

Last night I had a feeling I was to blame for M's leaving. Was I out of line for the things I said? Was I too hard on her? Should I have sugar coated it a little? Well, the honest truth is I really have no idea. I am just one guy, I do not have all the answers, and I'm sure many men think differently than me too. I have had dating experiences like you all have, but what gives me the right to tell people what they have done wrong?? NOTHING! I am as imperfect as you, with troubled past and problems dating. I am happy to have been allowed to share, but not sure if I am doing more harm than good. Were some of the things I've said or stated wrong? I'm sure some things were. If you had the chance to explain something or tell someone something and you knew if would hurt their feelings, would you?
Many have stated they want the truth even if it hurts. Well, let me ask you a few questions: Would you really want to know your boobs were too small? that your lovemaking skills sucked? Everything you cooked tasted horrible? your new haircut really looks bad on you?, that new expensive outfit makes you look fat? That you were the smallest she has ever had? your breath was terrible? Well, there are so many more questions like this, but in all honestly, some things are better left unsaid.
We are all different in many ways. Some of us like brunettes, some like blonds, some like big boobs, some like none, (well not really none), some like "thick", and some like thin. We all have our preferences, likes and dislikes. Why do most of us go to the same things that have failed us for so long? Maybe we need to venture out of our comfort zone from time to time and try something new. I saw this quote last night..." I think sometimes we spend so much time trying to make the wrong person right for us, that the right one never has a chance to find us". This is so very true! Why do we dwell on the past? Our past mistakes? And something that will never be what we thought it once was. "Maybe it's true that we don't know what we've lost til it's gone, but it's also true we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives." Two quotes to think about...It's a long weekend ahead of us have fun, be safe, and good luck out there.
The Man

Union with Hell

I get it. I finally get it. All this time I had been going over those last minutes wondering what I did wrong. Did I have on too much makeup? Was I overdressed? Did I say the wrong thing? It was never what I did wrong. I didn't do anything wrong, except get brainwashed with his mind games again. Every time I see his piercing dark chocolate eyes I immediately have flashbacks to our once hot and steamy affair. In the end thou JSR is no tiger, he's a cowardly lion. So Mr. Man, you are right, I was great! And now well I'm pretty fucking fabulous! lol
Life is a roller coaster. Some days you feel on top of the world and others like you hit rock bottom. I can't believe The Man feels bad for spilling the brutal truth of the situation. I thought all men were bulletproof and all women were easily breakable. Bruised, but definitely not broken in my case.
Society has formed rules in regard to what a traditional marriage is to be. But, can anyone honestly tell me that their objective for life is to find a man, have kids, and settle down. Where every day, every action, every activity is scheduled or routine. There is comfort and a sense of accomplishment from creating a family and a home. But, if society thinks that becoming a couch potato and ordering in Chinese or pizza every night is what I hope to find in a partner, I've got news for you I am not traditional in any way.
Diamonds maybe a girls best friend. But, why do we believe that a ring on your left hand is the only way to justify a union? It feels more like a restrain. As if without this simple piece of bling, you might cheat. Unless you plan on surgically attaching the band to your hand, there isn't a whole lot one can do to guarantee the jewelry is accounted for. Are we all so terrified of growing old alone? Of not conforming to what the world believes to be true?
To me the definition of marriage is a union with hell. Why can't we all just live in sin? You would save a lot of money and time. Marriage in the traditional sense involves an engagement ring, a lavish party, another piece of bling, children, no sex, jealously, fights, waking up every day for the rest of your life (you realize that's a shit load of years) next to the same person (even if they become an Italian Surprise). If Big and Carrie seem to have lost the lust and spark then we are all doomed after "I Do." I realize that the honeymoon can't last forever. That overtime the comfort of the mundane sometimes becomes more appealing as we age, but I've never been good at corporate bs and I rarely swim with the current.
A perfect marriage for me, requires no lavish party, no license, lots of sex, trust, shopping without guilt and spontaneous actions. I love jewelry so if you want to include a diamond ring in that list, please do, but remember I am not traditional and neither should be the ring. Are you writing this down J?

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Sublime happiness of a guarded heart is a funny thing. Last Friday I meet a man and while I, knock on wood, crossing my fingers, don't want to think to much into our new relationship, I can only hope that he turns out to be as genuinely kind and witty in the future as he has shown to be over the last week.
I've been a bit quiet the last few days, but I can see that Michelle and The Man have kept the ball rolling. I've now been on three dates with Mc Dreamy, with a fourth one lined up for tomorrow night.
I don't expect much, so that I can't be brutally heart broken as in the past. I realize there is no perfect formula to determine whether or not two people will stay together or not emotionally hurt each other. It seems like we hurt the ones we love the most more often and more brutally than casual acquaintances.
I have a dilemma though. I have been offered a job in New York City. A fabulous, dream job, but at the same time I know there is a good chance that if I go the spark between Mc Dreamy and I will most likely fade. But, I've never been one of those girls who base their life on a man. So, I feel I must leave and take the job, because if I don't and we don't make it as a couple, I will always wonder what if. A dream job doesn't come along every day, but then again neither does a dream man.
I'm off to see Sex and the City 2 tonight. Big Apple, watch out Summer's coming. lol

The Other One

I know what I said yesterday about taking a break from Love Bites, but I'm addicted to writing these days. I wrote my first blog on the new account last night, but for some reason the words just aren't coming out as easily. I was re reading all the blogs we have written on here and I can't believe it's only been two months. It feels like such a long time ago. I was in a fragile state back then and thankfully I no longer am.
Was I "the one" all along? Had I missed all the signs over the years? Or am I simplying the fun girl, the object of your affection and desire when it suits you? The unobtainable is always more illusive and sexy when it's off limits.
I am living in the present, but in order to truly move forward I must go far back. I had sedated my feelings for so long or rather I never really understood why I felt a certain way or why seeing the pictures of his wedding had such a significant effect on me. I realize now, that he was the one (at least for that period in my life), but there will be other "ones."
Had I missed all the signs, the gestures, and the unspoken words that meant so much? Why he never was able to say his feelings out loud and why I was so chicken shit too all those years suck. There is no other way to describe it. It's like waking up one day and wishing you had said "I Love You" or "I'm Sorry," not realizing that yesterday was the last day you would ever see that person.
Or maybe it never was anything, but sweet young lust. But, neither one of us is an adolescent anymore. I have seen JSR's niece and nephew be born and now nine years later seen them grow up. I remember congratulating his sister when she got married some seven years ago and our nightly discussions about life and JSR.
Our fights were never heated; the couple I do remember were always started by me. There was the one night where I fell asleep on the living room sofa waiting for him to come back from work. When I woke up at 3am, he was home and in bed. Why I thought to pick a fight at that hour I couldn't tell me. I was angry that he didn't try to wake me, which he later said he did. Then again I can sleep thru a hurricane (which I have). I remember trying to change my flight and return home earlier, waking him up again at 3am and asking him if he wanted me to stay. "Wait, what. Of course I do." "Okay fine. I will," and back to bed I went. Maybe this whole time I was the one playing the mind games. Making sure he was "the one." But, by the time I realized it he was long gone. Left behind are just the memories and dead end roads. Maybe we are all fallen lovers, destine for a life of what if.
I chose to get married, as did he. Did I fold my cards and accept that maybe I was the marrying type? Did he give up his rock star dreams because he was aging and she (being the wife) seemed nice enough and was over the top in love with him?
Since we all know Michelle is not my real name and frankly I've never thought of myself as a Michelle. Perhaps I should change my alias name to something I actually would like to be called. Maybe, Kathleen or Gisele, it sounds like a sophisticated yet sexy librarian. Something to think about. Any suggestions?
For now I'll stay with MV and if you are wondering what the initials stand for, honestly I don't know. Miami Vice, Martha's Vineyard, Michelle something. I kind of like the Miami Vice, if Jamie Foxx or Colin Farrell were around.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Anonymous Cyber Wall

So I guess I'm not as anonymous as I would like to be. For most of you out there in cyberspace, you don't know who I am and probably never will, but for the rare few who actually know me, my words speak for themselves. I've been confessing my sins and intimate thoughts for the world to read and I suppose some secrets are better left in the graveyard.
I don't intend to permenently leave the Love Bites circle, but I think I need to go under the radar for a bit and focus on the book. Today, I created another blog, because apparently one blog, a facebook and twitter account weren't taking up enough of my time. Oh and there is that annoying thing called a job that occupies a good portion of my day too. In time, I would like to let everyone in on the secret, but for now I just need some me time to process the last couple days and months. I'm not gone. I will still be posting on Love Bites from time to time, but for now I think SP and The Man should have the floor.
I have accomplished what I had hoped to from this blog. JSR no longer consumes my thoughts. I will never forget him or the cliffhanger ending, it will forever be tattooed in my mind. But, then there are a lot of puzzling things in life that I may never get the answer to. Life will never be as it once was and I'm thankful for this now. Everything happens for a reason and this serendipitous new life path is the most fabulous ending possible. I feel so lucky to have been this opportunity and gift.

The One?

I am so excited. I haven't felt like this in a while. Let's go back to last week... I was online checking all the emails from the dating sites and still nothing from the ones I really wanted to meet. I was almost at the point of giving up! When I thought to myself, screw it! I just wrote the few I really thought I would like to meet one last note. I also added my phone number in the message and stated, "I really want to meet you, I'm tired of the messages and if you are serious about meeting and really want off of these sites." Well, not sure I should have written four letters and given the number to each.
Monday morning 8am: Good morning, I am so glad you gave me your number, I thought you only wanted to chat, now I see you are serious. Ohhh yea! She called!! I was very happy until 8:20: hey there sexy, amazing! I thought you would never be interested in someone like me. Wow!!! Now what am I going to do? Ok, I thought maybe a daytime meeting (just to see) if I "click" with either one. Then 9am: good morning, this is ********* from @^#$@%$#@$% how are you today? OHHH NOOOO!!! now 3?????? My mind was racing, confused on my next move. I start with a few questions for each of them, some answers better than others. One I can tell only wants a "hook up" or "friend with benefits" not bad, but only if the other two don’t work out. Yea, I said it, I'm a guy and if you let me go to the "candy store" for free, you better believe I'm going to do it. Plus I have a sweet tooth. Here goes the shocker: The one (Drop dead gorgeous) I was AMAZED she called, beautiful, smart, business owner, same likes, born the same month, and same day. WHAT!!!!! I have never dated someone of the same sign! And much less the SAME EXACT BIRTHDAY!! I can't believe it! I am not one of those horoscope people, but I just happened to look. To even more my amazement, we were "the perfect match", "could solve all the worlds problems together", and best of all, "never fight".
I am beginning to get those little butterflies. Could this be "the one"? "Where should I take her", "what do I wear?” "Haircut or no haircut", "buy new shoes”,” go to dry cleaners”. WAIT!! SLOW DOWN!! Don't get your hopes up; maybe you should listen to your own advice. So my mind and me have been in a constant battle all day! Yes, ladies we are like you in so many ways also. Sometimes we need to relax and take the ride, which knows where this will go. Maybe somewhere I have always dreamed about, maybe not. Let’s get to reality, I have only seen photos, exchanged emails, talked on the phone and figured out that we have the exact same birthday. Is this a sign? Maybe. Only time will tell.
The Man

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hello Jackass

Words are more romantic than outward appearances. One of the pros of the Internet and meeting someone online is that you learn everything about them. All the intimate details, the things you probably wouldn't say if you were talking to them in person. I fell for JSR long before I ever saw a picture. Had he been 300lbs maybe it wouldn't have lasted as a romantic relationship but I think if he was at least halfway decent looking (which he definitely was). He had me at hello. (Cheesy I know).
You're right about him feeling the need to show he wasn't all talk. Thinking again about your comment that I blew it, I'm starting to think you might be onto something. While I don't completely think it was my fault, had he really wanted me he should have had the balls to say so. Over the years there has been a pattern on both sides that we would always meet again. Life would go on, but we were each other’s comfort zones.
There is a lot I still don't understand and the ending is even more puzzling. If you are going to remove someone from your life then put it all out there. (As I repeatedly did in the multiple emails I drunkenly wrote to him post "breakup".) I must have sounded like a Looney. I put it all out there, everything I wanted to say, everything I wished I had said over the years, but was to chicken shit at the time and finally Love, M. Click and send. So even if someday in the future he might have wanted to find me again, after all my slightly psycho emails I doubt he ever will. I also told him I had blocked his contact info and would be changing my email address, which I did.

Walk The Line

Well, well, well...let me start off by saying, I may have slept with you due to a years worth of talks, flirting and I'm sure some picture exchanges. Lets face it, the thoughts of someone I met online, coming to meet me after all this time? I better back up everything I've said the whole year. I want to somewhat prove a point that not only can I "talk the talk", I can "Walk the walk". I will do everything in my power to be the best at it I can. You got his best, not his late night pick up a girl and send her home routine, but his take a little Viagra and make sure she has had none better routine!
Now as far as the question "all guys are always thinking about sex & can never be friends". This is a touchy subject and has many variables. For example: If I met you and you looked somewhat attractive and always told me how bad your relationships were, I would tell you he is a jerk and you were right. (B.S. you a little). If you were not my type at all: we might be friends but I would be more two sided and fairer with telling you you were wrong or right. Here comes the tricky one: you're not my type, but you are cute or I think I would like to have sex or do something once, due to our talking over time...I would do it while drunk. Now here comes the best of them all: We have never met (me & either of you) but you have a blog that tells sad stories with women who think there are no good men left out there.
a.) if you posted a picture of you being not attractive at all: men would not give a crap about your stories.

b.) you posted a photo and you're beautiful: men would care about your stories more. But also think of their best lines to make you feel better about what had happened to you and you’re past relationships.

I personally have never met you two in person, but I think that you must be halfway attractive to have gone on some of these dates. I did see a photo of someone who SP had on her profile and she was very attractive.

So, would I sleep with her?
Photos tell me nothing, actions speak louder than words.

Did I want to meet you two in person?
I sure did! I wanted to see exactly whom I was giving advice to. But, that may never happen.

I do not have trouble getting laid, my trouble is finding someone who after great sex has a mind, drive for excellence, is willing to take risks, has a job, not too much drama and a few other things. If you two were to ask me if I would sleep with you, show me a picture or meet me and I would be honest.
My advice to both of you at this point has not been because we are friends, we have never met, don't call each other to talk about our days, or even go out, it has been strictly to show a mans (my) point of view. The question now is: do you fall for a man due to his words? Or his looks?
The Man

Devil's Advocate

So I've been walking around today with this smile on my face, like I'm in on the secret. But, then I was thinking back to The Man's first blog and his comment that all guys (unless they are gay) are always thinking about sex. That Harry and Sally can never "just be friends." So then, Mr. Man, does this mean all the some what sweet things you said about JSR being scared to tell me his true feelings, etc, that I should be taking your words with a grain of salt, because in the end even you, The Man, just want to sleep with me?
Even me, the most anti girly girl is still a sucker for The Notebook. All women fantasy about that moment when the man of your dreams bends down on his knee and says "You're the one" or being brought into Tiffany's (like in Sweet Home Alabama). It's the Cinderalla dream, but I realize it's just that a dream. What is more realistic is the sorted love affair of Big and Carrie. That moment, years later, when Big finally, finally realizes Carrie was "the one" all along.
Is it ever to late? If you really were over the top in love with someone, you would find a way to be with them. Once you bring children into the picture thou life and love becomes much more complicated.
There is still and always will be a part of me that is holding out hope, that one day we will meet again. Even after all the bullshit and trauma, I still care deeply for him. I couldn't tell you why, but I do know this, he is the only man I have ever met who truly gets me.
I think we all have different sides to our personalities. There is the sweet, polite one we show to our family. The corporate, bullshit, brown noser, at work. The party girl, the night owl, hanging with the guys and the Charlotte York. We chose carefully who we expose these personalities too. Do we prefer to be the party animal or Martha Stewart?
Me, I prefer to hang with the guys while wearing painfully gorgeous heels.

Q & A Part 2

You are very welcome..I am sorry to be the barer of bad news.I think personally, I would have offered to come to you without asking, it shows that I care. I think he liked the idea you came to him, and since he stated he wanted "no strings/ baggage" he told you exactly what he wanted. In a way, you should have given up on him at that point, but it's tough I know! Guys usually don't want friends, especially if we have slept with them in the past. I have a bunch, but that's because I have always been honest from the start..There are women who are "fun" and some for relationships. I might have slept with you also on the first date after all the talks and emails, but its hard to hold back those feelings. But, so many women think cuz we sleep with you, we are in a relationship. We had sex, not made love...big difference (at least for me). And no, if you slept with him right away it was his choice to make whether you were "gf material" or not. But, I personally do not sleep with gf material on the first date or at least try not much changes after sex, you cant take it back. I buy gifts for those I have feelings for. It shows affection and is easier than saying something sometimes, words say it all though.
His wife was fine with you until she met you in person and saw how much you had to offer. You were great! Had everything going for you, 14 yrs younger, and once his gf. She read you somehow..maybe your posture I don't know.
He is so scared to admit to you he really cares about you, cuz honestly what can he do about it now..I think he was hurt and can't get over that pain. It is easier to block someone out than to explain at times..were your fights heated? If so, that may be why. Men are strange, we want what we can't have...and what is easy to obtain, we don't want. We are in the middle..a little battle, but get what we want. You were what he wanted I think..but since he stated no strings, he's more into just fun while it lasts.You are much better off.
The Man

What a sappy hallmark moment. I love it.!! Thanks Man. All I've ever wanted to hear was that he cared about me, maybe loved me, nothing more, nothing less. Isn't it funny how a complete stranger very well may had given me all the answers to questions I so desperately was looking for from JSR. For the first time, I feel at peace with JSR, but I'm still going ghost hunting.
Thanks again,

The Brutal Truth

Sometimes I think we need a smack of the brutal truth. But, I'll be honest I'm not a happy camper right now. I can understand most of your answers and I appreciate you taking the time to reply. In regards to the question of him flying to see me in NY, honestly I don't recall there ever being a discussion about him visiting me there. I hate the cold so I was always more than happy to visit him in Florida. For the most part I wasn't just going to visit him. I needed a vacation and his place was free to stay at. I gave him nearly three years to say something like "Be my girlfriend or I love you." I repeatedly asked him what he wanted from me and he always said "no strings, no baggage." This was all before John came into the picture. After hearing this line long enough I suppose a part of me gave up on him and me long before I met John. What was I suppose to do? I would have preferred to have him in my life as a friend if nothing more. I enjoyed our relationship pre sex and harry met sally. To your question did we have sex that first night, yes, we had built up to that night for over a year. So going with your idea that from the first night we meet he only thought of me as a friend with benefits, why would he introduce me to his siblings, buy me gifts, etc. I do believe, from the little he spoke about his current marriage, that our relationships and values were very different. Then again I am very different from the wife in nearly every way expect looks. She looks very similar to me but fourteen years older. So then when the wife said to me "JSR has told me so much about you." What did he tell her and what happened in fifteen minutes that made her rethink our friendship? Another question say all of this is true and that the only reason he tried to reconnect with me was to possibly start affair #2, which I made very clear from the start was not an option anymore, why can't he answer my question of why? Furthermore for someone who supposedly was so anti commitment, how come every other woman he ever dated appeared to be a serious relationship to the point that he lived with them and then ofcourse there is the marriage and kids. If that's not a life long commitment I don't know what is. Basically then, every word out of his mouth about commitment and baggage was only a problem with me. So if this is true, why keep coming back into my life?
You don't really think he goes around to all his ex-lovers and introduces them to his wife. So why me? If I am just a friend with benefits, why risk your "perfect picture" over the top in love marriage to see the person who supposedly means nothing and was never GF or wife material? I'm no damsel, I want a man, a real man who isnt afraid to say what he wants.

Q & A with The Man

This may be a bit painful, but very true.
Hello M, sorry I havn't spoken to you until this point. Well, I sure wish I had a highlighter to just show you the answers to the questions you've written. This was only your side of the story and it's right there in front of you.
Whew!! ok, let me calm down for a sec..........Ok, 1st he lived in Florida and you lived in NY.
Did he ever go to see you?
If not, here goes first sign.
Second, you and him saw each other from time to time for a week or more? Did you have sex the first time you came to Florida?
If it was the first night, second reason. While you were visiting your "friend with benefits", you started dating someone else (John who you later married). Ding Ding, that's not good on any level, especially when you live so far from each other. He was uncapable of defending what he may have wanted..No guy will ever say (in a girly voice) no don't date someone else! Once you did that, HE GAVE UP ON YOU!! You became his FUN...nothing more, nothing less. Women, if you really want us to be with you, trying to get us jealous WILL NOT WORK!!! and you've lost all chances of "relationship or wife material" we don't want someone who gives up.Neither do you.When he told you he was jealous, he really was jealous.When we tell you something like that, we mean it....listen to what we say.
Here are your answers and I apology for not sugar coating them.

1) What was my label?
You were possible GF material at first.But you need to be tested to see if you could handle the distance apart.

2) Did he ever love me or at least think of me as someone more than a friend with benefits?
At first no. Then yes after time, but as soon as you started dated someone else, he gave up.Now you are a booty call, that's all! It only takes one mistake for us to move on, unless you have trouble meeting or dating women.

3) Why was I never girlfriend or wife material?
On the phone and on the computer, he loved the idea..In person you were a possible GF but if he never went to see you...Nope, never.. Sorry but I'm honest.

4) Why did he find me again, especially given that he was married?
There are many reasons why we look to the past. Trouble in our present relationship, sex was better, talk was better, just needed advice, dont want to burn the bridges or exactly what you did AFFAIR!!! We don't want you if we have you like's fun, thats all. If you did it to him, you would do it to us. Plus, you cant say SHIT!

and most importantly;

5) Why did he want to meet and why did he introduce me to his wife and new child?
To show you what you could have had...He cared about you til you dated someone else.

He will never be yours, he has moved on. The only thing you are to him now is the memories of great times you've had.You have no reason to be mad at him from what I read, unless somehow I read it wrong..You dated someone married...what did you want him to do??? wait for you? run to the alter and say "STOP THIS WEDDING, I LOVE HER" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, stop watching movies.I am in no way trying to be mean, just seeing things for what they are.
The Man

Monday, May 24, 2010

Sucker Punch

I just got sucker punched, if I am to believe what The Man just wrote in response to my questions surrounding my relationship with JSR. In summary he believes that once I started seeing John, JSR gave up on me as relationship material. Guess I didn't get that memo. Is this truly a sliding doors moment from the past. Viewing a life once lived from a different perspective. Had I said yes to the job in Naples would I be Mrs. MF now?
Drinks? Yes please and keep them coming. I don't believe our lives are set in stone, so I don't completely agree that whatever we were is finished forever. I do believe that for right now, he has moved on and I'm trying to.
Perhaps, you're right in regards to the past, but when I pick apart every conversation JSR and I had last year they were extremely different from the previous reconnections. He genuinely seemed interested in my life, he was complimenting me on the business, he apologized for his past wrongs, mentioned he was looking forward to visiting me when the family came north in the spring, he was overly interesting in my condo search in Miami and my whereabouts when I was visiting. He was nervous when we met, "Hey stranger," is about all I can remember from that blurry day.
So Mr. Man, if I meant nothing to him, then was all this merely an attempt to butter up my ego in hopes I would spread my legs?

Confessions from Venus

We haven't been formally introduced, but I get the feeling we might have known one another in a previous life. I apology for being so shy and rude. So, Mr. Man (The Man), welcome to the ladies club. I see you have made yourself feel right at home and I hope you can bring me and the other female followers of Love Bites some peace of mind and incite into the mind of a man.
I was reading you post the other day about the five year one night stand relationship and thought to myself isn't that right. That's exactly what JSR and I were. Then after previewing today's I thought I would give you a shout and see what your thoughts were on JSR and our history.
I'll try and make it as short as possible. I've written about the bitter ending to our dysfunctional relationship (if you can call it that) on the blog, but I was hoping that if I started from the beginning maybe you or any other male reader out there in cyberspace could let me in on the true meaning of any or all of our time together.
We meet online nearly ten years ago. He lived in Florida, at the time I was in New York. We religiously talked online and on the phone for the first year. I had made up this image of him being 300 lbs (not sure why) so anyhow we finally exchange pictures and the following week I was Florida bound. For the next couple years I visited him about once every other month for a week or so at a time. I never asked what we were, but there were times when I assumed I meant something more than a friend with benefits. He introduced me to his siblings (online at least), he bought me presents, etc but there was never a formal I love you or anything like that. The long distance relationship had its pros and cons. I had, thanks to JSR, accepted a job near him in 2002, but at the last minute decided not to move to Naples and instead took a job in Boston. When I think back now to the first couple years we were together, I truly think he cared about me. Was it love I'm not sure. We had our fair share of fights and makeup sex, as well as embarrassing moments, like the time I got second degree burns on my face on the first of seven days visiting him. (I was upset with him over something silly and decided not to put sunscreen on.) I'll show him I thought and boy did I. I looked like a blowfish for the next three weeks.
As I was reading your comment about how you never considered that woman a "girlfriend" and the casual places you went out together to I realized that each one of those places were the primary places we use to go. On one date (if you can call it that) I brought a girlfriend along. When I think back now, there were times when I think he really did try to make "us" work as something more than a casual fling. But, I've got a wicked poker face and at times it can be misunderstood and considered rude or cocky. When in reality, it's all a bluff, but I just have learned not to put all the cards out on the table in fear of getting hurt. A girlfriend of mine thought that maybe at one point he really did love me and when I started seriously dating someone else he folded and let the idea of "us" go. Who knows. At this point I'll take any remotely logical answer.
This timeline might get a bit confusing so let me briefly summarize. I met JSR in 2000, I met John in 2003, we were engaged in 2004, broke up in 2006, got back together in 2007 and finally got married, then got divorced at the end of 2009/2010. So with this in mind, for the first couple years John and I were dating, JSR and I were still talking, but it wasn't quite the same. Funny thing is on my way home from work, JSR was always the first one I would call, not John. Our late night chats became fewer and fewer, but when we did talk he would always jokingly mention he was jealous. John and I briefly moved to Florida in 2004 and during that time JSR and I began an affair. (Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know) John was offered a job back up north and a part of me wanted to stay behind and see what might happen with JSR. (again stupid, stupid, stupid) When I proposed this idea to JSR he said he didn't think it was a good idea and that he didn't want any strings. (ie. commitment) So I left, but we managed to stay in touch. There seemed to be a pattern, where after each breakup JSR would come back to me. Ironically nearly every woman he was dating, he had been living with. In 2006 when John and I were broken up and I was going thru some other life changes, I decided to visit JSR once again for a long weekend. The worst trip of my life. I drank too much and being that I had been up since 4am traveling to see him I was exhausted. He took me out to a club with five other girls (none of whom I knew). I hadn't seen the guy in nearly three years I just wanted to spend some alone time with him. After about twenty minutes at the club where the girls were in a circle around him I told him I was tired and wanted to go back. He had his friend (whom he forgot to mention was crashing at his one bedroom apartment) pick me up. For the next two days he was on his Blackberry texting away, pretending I didn't exist and had his friend take me out at night because he didn't feel like it. When I asked him what's up he goes, "I saw a side of you I didn't like and I guess you saw a different side of me." I never heard from him after I left (not even to see if I landed okay. His friend called me to make sure I got home okay.) So that incident was in 2006. Flashforward to 2009. He got married in 2008 to someone I believe he knew for only 6-12 months. She has a child from a previous marriage. I know all this because one day I stupidly googled his name and found their Myspace page with the wedding album on autopilot. I didn't reach out then. I had moved on and I was glad he had too. Which brings us to the spring of 2009 and the brief email, "Hope your well," that he sent to me. You know the rest from that day on and the bitter ending to a puzzling and misleading relationship.
So my questions, Mr. Man or any man really:

1) What was my label?

2) Did he ever love me or at least think of me as someone more than a friend with benefits?

3) Why was I never girlfriend or wife material?

4) Why did he find me again, especially given that he was married?

and most importantly;

5) Why did he want to meet and why did he introduce me to his wife and new child?


Unattainable Curiosity

Why do I torture myself at times? Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just a creature of habit? Saturday night I was just messing around on the computer, checking my mail from the dating sites, and RING RING I look to my phone and look who's calling. I was amazed to see it was the girl who once told me "she had found something better". This girl was spoiled her whole life, hadn't worked for years, bought only the best of everything, but for some reason, I was something she had to chase. She once told me I was that "unattainable curiosity" she had to conquer. I was that "bad boy" she had always shied away from.
We dated on and off for about four months, things to me were great or so I thought. We went to concerts, art shows, movies, and horse shows, just about everything happening around town. I did notice some signs of things going wrong, but as most of us do, I tried to ignore them. We tried a few times and the result was always us never seeing eye to eye. She was always right, I was always wrong! Ha! The last time we tried to work things out, we seemed to be having fun. I knew she wasn't my "girlfriend" so I was very casual as to choose the things we did. I wasn't about to waste time on something I knew was doomed from the start, so I did simple things, movies, cooked dinners, walks on the beach, and so on. I wake up on morning and see this:

"Well is has been four months of a very dysfunctional thing going on here. Is time for the truth? Clearly you are very far from it. Let me give you a hint of what I like cause you never had a clue. I've decided to go with the flow and was never taken anywhere where I could use a high heel or dress nice. Since the only places we have been where really casual. I don't really think is appropriate to wear high heels to casual restaurants, for walks at the beach, watching movies at home or in the theaters. I didn't mind although is kind of out of my league...most of the guys usually like to go to nice places too. I can be both but with your finances I had to keep quite. I have never experience such a thing before. And it has been a real turn off. I like to mix things up a little bit casual + nice places. But what I really want to say here is that I don't want to be connected to dysfunctional people. I am looking for normality. Professional working people, grounded, with realistic ideas, motivated about life and a relationship."

Hahahahahahahaa! to say the least, I was glad I didn't try to impress her. After receiving this letter, she wanted to meet to return a few things. I set up my revenge. We planned to meet the following day. I knew she was always nosey so I just happened to leave a bank statement sitting on the center console, pulled out the Rolex I had never worn with her (I knew she was all about money from the start), and was dressed to a "T". A few days later she mentioned she was sorry and knew she was out of line. She then asked if I wanted to go out for dinner, she even offered to pay. HA! My plan worked, she noticed everything! Which brings me to yesterday.
Yesterday I get a call asking if I wanted to hang out. I was tired of meeting strangers, and just wanted to be with someone I knew. I knew this would never go anywhere but that feeling of comfort was there with her. The day went well and as I said my good byes, she said, "that's it?" don't you want to come to my house? No thanks I said. A little way down the road I get a call...."Hey, I’m coming over." I think to myself "why not". Why do we do these things to ourselves I sometimes ask myself.
The Man

Mc Dreamy

Is it to soon to start obsessing over my new crush? Let's call him Mc Dreamy. Brains and looks, lucky me and I found him all on my own. Turns out Whole Foods are a great pick up spot. Whole-wheat penne or linguini? Decisions, decisions. I wasn't paying attention (typical flake that I am these days) and smacked my cart into his. Guess I wasn't the only one debating what to make for dinner. Light washed faded jeans, navy blue crew neck tee, sandals and salt and pepper hair. I have a thing for Mark Harmon (NCIS), something about the gray/white hair is incredibly sexy. We get to talking and I learn that he is a recently divorced real estate developer. After about fifteen minutes, we exchange numbers. Saturday morning he called me and taking some advice from The Man I recommended we meet for a casual lunch. One of the best lunch dates of my life, conversation was effortless, awesome sense of humor, loves to travel, he is forty-two. Before we knew it lunch turned into dinner and late night cocktails. He dropped me off, got out of the car walked me to the door (what a gentlemen). Today we had another fabulous date, that included jet skiing and mid day cocktails. I'm suppose to meet him for dinner again on Tuesday night. I feel like it's the first day of school and I have nothing to wear, yet I have a closet full of gorgeous clothes. It's refreshing to find a man that isn't afraid to let a woman know he is interested in her. No rules on how many days you should wait before you call her. Of course, in the back of my mind I'm wondering what is wrong with him because if he is such a great catch why is he divorced? I hope he doesn't turn out to be a psycho or jackass sewer rat.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fear Factor

"You are an asshole. You are a fucking asshole." I feel I must continue repeating this rant to myself every time I think about him. If I let him go from my mind then he has won. Yet, if I keep him in my thoughts he has won too. But, if I force myself to look at his image and remember his name it makes me angry and in turn I am inspired to write.
When we are terrified of something, like spiders or bridges, the best solution is to confront the fear in hopes that we will overcome it. The same philosophy holds true in our romantic relationships. Whether we would like to admit it or not. Until we confront our worst fears, ask the difficult questions like, "Do you love me?" "Will you marry me?," "Are you having an affair?" we will be overwhelmed with terror. Perhaps, fear is an extreme word in terms of describing my feelings now towards JSR. I don't fear him, not in a physical way, but mentally and emotionally he still gives me goose bumps. As if the image I see in front of me is a relaxation of a ghost. The photos seem out of context now, as if he was photo shopped in. I have tried so hard to remove my feelings and memories from the pictures, but it seems impossible.
I was reorganizing and cleaning around the house yesterday and there in a brown box, tucked away in the back of the closet where the memories of a life once lived. As I sorted thru the old clothes and CDs he had recorded for me, I came across a neatly folded note he had written me nearly a decade ago. As I unfolded the now faded note, I stepped back in time, to a place when life was carefree. The more memories I remember the more hurt and confused I become. No matter how hard I try I can't let go. At times it doesn't feel real, like the images of us at the beach, watching a movie in bed, chatting until the early morning hours. That all of these frozen moments are not mine. As if I was watching someone else’s life on the screen. I wish this were true, because then maybe I would feel nothing.
Out of the eight hundred plus "friends" on Facebook, most of whom he doesn't really know, why am I singled out and removed? What makes me so different from all the others? How is it deemed appropriate to defriend someone you once knew so intimately without an explanation or warning. For someone who is thirty-six, it's a bit childish and naive to think that a simple act will quickly solve the issue. Unfortunately, my feelings were never a factor in his impulsive decision. He did what was easiest for him and I suppose it did solve the martial issue. As far as he was concerned, with the click of a button I would be gone. I only wish it were so easy for me to forget the past.Do I terrify you so much that you can't respond to my question "why?"

Online Dating

Yet another weekend upon me, the thoughts of "what am I going to do this weekend", "should I even waste my time on another date”,” why isn't this easier”,” what am I doing wrong”,” If only she would give me a chance,” I am not giving in to this superficial world”, and so many more. As stated earlier, I was in a long relationship that turned out to be a 5yr. one night stand. Many ask, "What do you mean?" Well, it went like this: I frequented a local watering hole, I admired her from a far, I knew she wanted me...She always ran to me as soon as I entered, giving me a kiss on the cheek, asking how my week was and ALWAYS had my drink ready before I had even asked. Did I like this affection? I sure did! But I knew as soon as I gave in, she could be mine. I played hard to get for almost a year, telling her my about the dates I went on. Most of the time I even went there after the dates were done just to unwind from the nightmares I endured. After months she finally broke down and said, "Can we just do (It) one time? I just have to know". No small talk, any expensive dinners, not even a night on the town, just plain lust. Well there began my one nightstand that lasted almost 5yrs.
And with the end of that dysfunctional relationship, I began my ride on the online dating highway. I first started on a site that had games (somewhat flirty ones) We would post a sexy pic and get "bought" to earn money and the attention of others, lets just say, I felt overwhelmed by the attention I received. I was on top of the world, getting bought thousands of times a day, lustful messages telling me what they wanted to do to me. WoooHOoooo!!! But I soon realized many of those photo's were not really them, and yet others were them but photo shopped or just years before. I then signed up for other sites, talked to many women who somewhat seemed normal, but also loved the attention/lustful messages they received. After many months talking to "Alabama Slammer" lol <--made it up, we thought "we are not getting any younger, we've talked for months, our minds have made their conclusions, and both of us have never met anyone online in person before”. So we did it, made plans to meet in Panama City. She lived in Alabama, I lived in Miami. I know, what am I thinking?? But I was excited; meeting someone I had only exchanged emails & photos with. Well, that's me, the adrenaline junky at times. I rented a jeep, packed my bags, and was on my way.
I didn't mind the drive and the excitement was overwhelming. I pulled in around 9pm, we were both nervous, but here goes. I went in the hotel, walked upstairs knocked on the door and WOW!!! Amazing! Standing in front of me: sundress, flip flops (perfectly manicured toes/nails) body had been kissed by the sun, most amazing green eyes known to man, and the cutest accent I’ve ever heard.” howdy" she says, com'on in. We talked and admired each other for a while and decided to grab some drinks. We had both never been there before and had no idea where to go. She spotted a hole in the wall for a bar and asked, "Do you mind a dive bar?" WOW! I was even more amazed, she didn't want the fancy one's we passed, and this was a cool girl. We proceeded to have drinks and watch the locals make fools of them selves singing karaoke. We shared a few kisses and headed back to the room. Lets just say, we had an Amazing week together. As we were leaving we said our good byes as if it we had it planned to never see each other again. One passionate week filled with excitement that we could both brag about to our friends. We spoke less and less as time passed, but neither one of us will ever forget Panama City.
I later found out she was separated and now back with her husband. She wanted exactly what I had wanted, to feel that flame of passion we all love, that initial meeting, that first kiss, to feel wanted, to be respected, and all was done without the burdens of all the questions of my past.
The Man

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Chase

We as men have been somewhat forced by society to show off a little, is it our ego's? Peer pressure of trying to impress and keep up? Some of us can afford nice things; while others spend every cent they have, thinking that's what women want. Some men buy fancy cars, others fancy clothing, while yet others have the "hook ups" to many clubs to make them look better. We really don't know what you want but after growing up, reading all the fairy tales you believe in, we are pressured to act a certain way. Lets face it, you turn on the T.V and what do you see? Slim fast commercials, P90X, abs of steel, MTV cribs, Real Housewives and so on. We think: wow, let me work out, get some money together, dress to impress and she will be mine. So many of us (men & women) are somewhat forced my society to look a certain way, dress a certain way, and act a certain way.
Money in exchange for sexual favors is nothing new in the dating game. Although, it's more covertly than overtly on the table. Unfortunately, some men allow their hearts to get involved in the transaction and thus wind up over-spending. The trick (no pun is to keep your feelings in check and be realistic when dealing with women who you know are dating you for the spoils (i.e. Keep your heart in a separate account from your cash).
Not every woman a man dates is a potential wife. Sometimes, he just wants a fun companion for a vacation. Or, sometimes he wants companionship without the drama of a relationship. It's easy to get an opportunistic woman to leave you alone - just cut off the dollars and "POOF!" A girlfriend or wife -- he has to "deal with" her, work through problems, talk it out, etc. Too much work and commitment for a lot of men.
Well, another Friday my emails are full, texts have been sent all day asking what I have planned for the night, and still no response from the one have I really wanted to meet. Have you ever run into someone you knew from the past? Or someone you just met and thought, Wow!! She is amazing, but all we have done is shared messages, maybe talked on the phone, or just bumped into them once again. It's hard to wait around for something u know might never happen, but it's even harder 2 give up, especially when it is "everything u ever wanted.” or at least you think!
If I have no excitement this weekend to write about, I will be sharing past experiences such as: The Moscow Model, The Bangkok Bombshell, Handy Mandy (might get banned), Mrs. Photoshop, and a few others. Hope you enjoy, and have a great weekend.
The Man


I can't put all the blame on John, as the cause of our divorce. People always say opposites attract and in our case we were the pictures of complete opposite personalities. I am a controlling, neat, organized, perfectionist, who is responsible (for the most part). John, on the other hand has attention deficit disorder, is forgetful and misplaces or loses objects frequently. He doesn't care what people think about him and he is fearless. Coming from an environment where I was taught to spend within my means, look both ways before crossing the street, not talk to strangers and think before I speak, I found John's slightly unorthodox views and actions refreshing.
While I don't believe in love at first sight, there was something about John that I immediately was fascinated with. He was absolutely different in nearly every way from my previous boyfriends. He was super sweet and romantic. He was my Aiden and I should have been so lucky to be given this fabulous man. For the most part our work schedules were opposite. He worked nights and I worked days. At night the demons of my past (JSR) became my sanctuary in the insomniac hours. JSR and I had over the years developed a nightly routine, where we would often talk for hours online. JSR and John are complete opposites. I've imagined them fighting it out like Big and Aiden in the mud and I would bet John would win.
The problem with demons is they never go away. They maybe gone in the daylight hours, but after the sunsets they always come back. Over time their desires take over your waking thoughts. It's a fight between good and evil and all to often the dark side wins.
I'm no saint, but then who is. I've done things I wish I could erase, but I've learned from my mistakes. The affair isn't what destroyed the marriage. It was long over many years before, I just wasn't aware John had known about all this time. It was an impulsive and stupid decision. I had let JSR back into my life, the picture perfect one I had created with John. A part of me knew then that the white picket fence marriage bored me and in JSR I found a comfort I couldn't get from John. It's the sad truth. When I first told JSR I was engaged, I remember him saying, "You aren't the marrying type." He was right and a part of me knew it too, but I got sucked into the whole bridal fantasy and the idea of a perfect life.
It wasn't over night, but over the course of six months our double life wasn't safe behind a computer screen anymore. If you have ever tried online dating then maybe you will understand, but the emotions and imagination from talking to someone you can't touch I have found are more intense. Unknowingly, we develop an emotional attachment to this person. The Internet often times allows us to feel more comfortable disclosing personal and private information in an extremely intimate environment. We develop a bond with this person who we may never meet and that's part of the attraction and mystery.
JSR over the years had become my backup plan and I was his. Of course, being runner up is never the same as first place.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Where's Waldo?

It's feels like forever since I last wrote. I'm so excited that the Love Bites inner circle has gained a male perspective on dating and love. I'm still in shock over how quickly our little Facebook page has grown. The pressure is on now to live up to our promises and deliver the goods.
I've never believed in the word "no" and when someone tells me I can't succeed at something I then give it two hundred percent and make it my goal to show them that not only can I accomplish the job, but that I can do it way better. In the back of mind I have to constantly remind myself why I started this blog to begin with and what the end goal is. Every day that passes is one day closer to the finish line and I have no idea what to expect. The last few weeks have flown by and I've met some great people thru Love Bites and the blog. One person may have tried and temporarily succeeded at crushing my dreams, but then I met this "army" of strangers who have become my protective shield against the big bad wolf. Some dreams may have been broken, but grander ones are within reach.
In a sea of average Joes and rock star wannabes, how can you tell the good seed from the sewer rats?
Thru my recent dating disasters I have come to realize that the more I think I understand a guy the less I actually know. While I don't like to stereotype people, at this point I'm truly starting to believe that any man who wears a suit and tie to work is a coward or an ass. I have more respect and interest now in those who don't work in cushy jobs or have big offices. For instant, bartenders (99% of which are gorgeous and mysterious. This isn't to say that they won't break your heart, but there is a better chance they at least know how to have fun and wine and dine you), chefs (same philosophy for bartenders is typical of chefs. Some are major players, others want a traditional white picket fence family), retail sales associates (bonus discount on fabulous clothes, but it probably won't last). I guess you could say I have a thing for those in the hospitality industry. If they get paid to be nice to people and go above and beyond people's expectations everyday then presumably their work ethic will transfer to their personal life.
It's a thought, which brings me back to finding Waldo in a sea of lying and cheating sewer rats.

Great Expectations

As stated before I am going to be brutally but try to keep it as P.G as possible (very, very, hard when you have stories like mine).
I have been in many relationships, many lasting only a few months, a few lasting for years, and my fair share of one nighters. After a 5yr relationship, I decided to try something new to me, the online dating world. I was tired of the bar scene and knew I was getting nowhere! I decided to sign up for a few sites, at first, I was very nervous, and then it became easy (so to speak).
Here goes, "what's your name”, "where do you live", "what do you want" (long term, dating, friendship, intimate encounter, and so on) I was very honest when filling it out. It would have been so simple to lie about these things but I was tired of the "games" or at least I thought. I listed my job (which to me is great), but after speaking with some of the women from these sites, they were not impressed. You may ask, "How do I know that?" Because they tell me "Ohhh, cool job, I thought you were a professional". Hahahaa, I laugh when the say things like that. Many women (on those sites) judge us for our employment. I have a few suggestions women: when you hear a possible love interest is a pool guy, painter, plumber, landscaper, artist, newspaper delivery boy, Naaa, just kidding on the last one, you really have no idea what he makes. Here’s an example: pool guy cleans 10 pools in a day, finished by 3pm = $300.00+ a day. Landscaper does maintenance on 15 houses a day at an average of $50.00 =$750.00 per day. And so on.
I just wanted to let you in on a little useful information. Don't judge by the job they have. This goes for men also. As long as someone is driven, they will succeed. If you put them down, they will show you they are actually better than you.
The Man

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Man's View

Well, I am not sure how to start, but here goes. After reading "Love Bites" I contacted one of the writers and asked if they wanted a different perspective. I know what you are thinking "a man" ohh no! But, let me introduce myself. I am a thirty-six year old, never been married, some say attractive, self employed, makes decent money, educated man. I am in the same boat as all of you except with the male’s perspective.
At first I thought it was a great idea to share my side of the dating nightmare, but while lying in bed thinking of writing, I remembered that most of you were female. I feel like I may be throwing myself to the sharks for a feeding frenzy, but if I can help one of you understand why things didn't work out it will be worth it. I might even be able to learn from you.
Let's just call me "The Man"; I will be sharing information that breaks all "man laws". I will show you that if you have a guy as a friend, he always has other intentions in the back of his head, especially if you use him to ask questions about the relationship issues you are having. You women have gone to each other for years, asking "What did I do wrong?” "Why didn't he call?" “Should I have slept with him?” "Does he really care?” Well to be honest, you don't know that answer! In order to understand a man, you must think like a man. What could possibly be better than having an "insight" into what we really think and why we do the things we do. Let's face it, you need me!
I will try to update you with my past relationships, dating tips, and what not to do. Some of you may hate this/me; others will realize I could be the best thing that ever happened to you. So, lets get this thing started and quit complaining about being single.
The Man

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Waking Up In Vegas...Married

There was no cheesy romantic, knee bending moment. Instead J jokingly proposed marriage to me while talking online one night. I laughed it off at first, but then I got to thinking. This could quite possibly be the best relationship ever. We talk everyday, we are great friends and since we don't see one another in person that often when we do it will never be boring. The mystery of not knowing everything about his day and the distance will make the heart grow fonder.
In life, I'm either all in or nothing. If I like something I don't just buy one, I'll buy one in every color. But, in my defense, potential husband number two is nothing like my previous exes. I'm sure everyone says this, but really he isn't. He is a divorcee too, a workaholic, career driven, money in the bank, but still likes to play, funny guy. I should also mention that we don't currently live in the same state, nor do we plan to any time soon.
Do we love each other? No. Lust? Yes. Flirt? Everyday. Romance? There are sparks. I love you? Anything is possible and I'm having a wicked fun time seeing what happens next.
Life is starting to return to normal. A new normal. With each word, sentence, blog entry I can feel the pieces of my puzzle slowly getting put back into place. I look at the world, differently these days. The once naive and shy girl has evolved into a tiger. I'm guarded with my words, my actions, my thoughts, but nonetheless I know that I must move on, whether I want to or not. Precise time is wasting away. I can't change the past or the present, but I can change the future.

Mr. Right Not

"History, despite it's wrenching pain can't be unlived. But, if faced with courage, need not be lived again." - Maya Angelou
Making peace with my history is a journey in itself. The past still haunts me. A broken record on repeat in my mind. No great words of wisdom or advice can repair the damage any quicker. It takes guts and courage to walk away from a relationship you feel isn't worth repairing. At the same time it's also incredibly cowardly to leave questions unanswered. I so desperately want to evict the ghost from my mind, but his words and presence are still with me everyday.
Getting back into the dating scene isn't nearly as easy I thought it would be. When I was in my twenties, bars were the social hookup spots. But, in my thirties, bars just don't feel appropriate places to meet a long-term partner. I've been thinking recently about the whole search for "Mr. Right" or even just Mr. Right Now and I'm starting to ask myself why do I feel I must find someone of the opposite sex to spend my free time with? Why do I feel pressured into coupling up? I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not getting any younger and if I want to have a biological child I must get serious, but all of it feels wrong. It's never been who I am or who I want to be and I'm okay with this fact. Maybe, there is no prince charming or right time, but maybe I'm already the lucky one. Great friends and a fresh start in a familiar city may turn out to be a better investment in my future than any man ever will be.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Circus Dating Part 2

People are destined for one another. That's the romantic idea that young girls have and I guess a part of me stills believes it. I'm going out of my comfort zone in hopes of finding the one. Figuring that from past relationships gone bad my pattern in men isn't the best. So, I'm going outside my stereotypical look book and well I'm not doing much better picking out a man.
After the last couples weeks of speed dating I'm starting to think being single forever is a much better and most likely a much more realistic option.
I naively let my friends set me up on blind dates again. You would think I would have learned from the last couple weeks not to trust a word my friends, especially the married ones say, when they describe a potential future Mr. Peterson to me. (You didn't actually think I'm the type to change my last name.)
I'm exhausted. Every night feels like I'm putting on a show. Playing dress up (which normally I love, but first impressions often say more about the person then a night of conversation) nothing to short or to revealing, but then I'm no old maid either. I hate heels, but flats and a fancy dress just don't work. I would prefer to just grab a beer and a light dinner, but flat screen TV's and high ceilings don't make for the easiest talking environment, especially on a first date. So instead I'm forced to be wined and dined at celebrity chef restaurants. I'm not complaining though, I love to eat. But, within the first five minutes of meeting someone new you usually know whether it's going to be a really long and painful night or a pleasant and fun one.
For the most part I've been spending the last few nights counting down the seconds until I'm home again in my PJs. I don't think I'm all that particular. I don't have some mile long check sheet. While physical attraction is important, personality is higher up on the priority list. I just want a funny, laid back, seemingly responsible yet adventurous guy who isn't a coward. Seems like I'm asking for too much.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Pieces of Me

Why do I still think about him? Why does he still get to me? How can his life go on as if nothing happened? As if I was merely a wrong turn in the road. When I see pictures of him now (the curse and blessing of the Internet. Nearly anyone can be found.) with the wife and kids I still can't believe that I once knew him. Who he portrays himself to be now is so far from the man I once knew. I assumed that his life just like mine paused the day we stopped speaking. Clearly I was wrong. Life it would appear continued happily along ever since. I wonder what ever happened to the stroller I got them and the adorable matching T-shirt and skirt I got for their daughter. It would fit her perfectly now. I wonder if he ever thought about me after that day. If pieces of me are still with him today.
When I first met JSR I was young and believed in happily ever after. I believed what people said and I had my heart hurt a few times along the way. I don't aspire to have hundreds of friends, but I do have a handful of great ones. For the majority of my twenties and last few years of my teenage years I considered JSR one of my best friends. Up until then I had never met someone who truly understood all my quirks and me. Over the years he become more like my rock and meant more to me then he will ever know. When I think back now to the beginning years I must believe that he did love me. As my therapist said, I need to makeup my own ending since I never will get one from him. I prefer to think about the blissful years, when he was so sweet and kind, but then when I flash forward to the present I'm confronted with the fact that it was all a lie. What I don't understand and perhaps never will is why seeing a photo of him still shakes me to the core. To think that he is out there in the world going about his day and being this happy and devoted father and husband is wonderful and at the same time so twisted. What's even odder is the fact that I don't even find him attractive anymore and yet I can't stop obsessing over him.
I was thinking today about what I would do and say if I ever do see him again. The fantasy is always more glamorous then the reality. I want to hurt him. I want to embarrass him, but I doubt I can bruise someone who remains untouchable.
The reality is, even after all the fan fair and drama I most likely won't say anything. Whatever I do say or ask won't change the past or the present. If anything I will feel worse, because he will then know how much damage his words have caused me.
I wonder if I will ever be free or will I still be chasing the ghost forty years from now.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Mission Impossible

For the rare few who caught a glimpse of this post last night, previously titled "Entourage." I was deliriously tired when I was writing this last night and when I re read it this morning I wasn't pleased. With a caffeine mind I've slightly altered the previous post, now newly titled "Mission Impossible."
Sometimes the more pointless the relationship, the more you want to fight for it or in my case, try an experiment of sorts on the man that turned my life upside down. Plan months in the making, thought out nearly to the second. Which I realize may seem a bit insane and rather pointless, but sometimes you must go to extreme measures to evict the ghost from haunting your mind. Since I don't plan on returning to Miami after this trip it's most likely my last chance to ever see the ghost in person. So I'm going out with a bang.
I've tried not to bother him, did everything he asked in hopes of getting the answer to the apparently impossible question, "why?"
Even when we were together it felt more like I was playing a part, than being myself. Which is so stupid and perhaps says a lot about me at that time and the controlling personality he had. Thing is, outside of our little bubble world I am nothing like a Stepford wife. I am a confidence, ambitious and outspoken woman. I wear clothes that make a statement and I'm a closet shopalcholic. Yet for some insane reason when I was in his presence I suddenly became this insecure, naive girl. I questioned everything I said, I was jealous of other women for no reason, I always felt imperfect and was trying to prove my worth. Which is embarrassing given the fact I'm typically the opposite of this.
Since he chooses not to follow the appropriate and humane break up rules (whatever they may be, which do not include breaking up via the internet) then I have no choice, but to ambush him. It's certainly not my ideal scenario, but I need a face-to-face confrontation if I ever hope to truly forget him. I'm tempting fate and while he may have the home field advantage and with my luck he will be off or on vacation when I'm there I feel I must at least try to find him. I've prepared myself for how he might react and I realize the chances of him actually acknowledging my presence are slim and that I have a better chance of winning the lottery then getting him to talk to me and answer my questions.
It's an experiment and given my new knowledge of his personality I'm not afraid to confront him or put him in an awkward position. This time I'm bringing the entourage and they aren't nearly as glamorous as the guys on the HBO show. Each person has a particular role in this ambush plan. There is D, my sixty year old, sailor mouth, and no filter-talking aunt. She will investigate JSR whereabouts and probably show the waiter pictures of me when I was a child. She's a bit odd, but I love her for that. Then there is J, my old friend and possible new romance. (Read Old Friends and Intrigue post) He use to work with JSR's bi polar dad, but never met JSR. If the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then perhaps JSR was bi polar too. J's role hasn't been decided yet. He's the back up plan, should all else fail. Summer is the showstopper and we are going all out for this.
I realize you must think I'm completely insane and a loser with no life for thinking up this idea. I shouldn't be wasting anymore time on JSR and for the most part I don't, but it's something that still haunts me so much so that I don't want to go back, but since I have to return to Miami next month anyhow I figured it was one last opportunity to tempt fate in hopes of bringing closure to a puzzling life.
With cocktails in hand and painfully gorgeous heels on, the search for JSR begins next month.

Inner Circle

Life rarely goes according to plan. In the end the person who we become is far from the person we started out in the world as. Our views and preferences change over time due to life experiences and impressionable minds. As children, we are taught to not talk to strangers, to be kind to the elderly, respect authority and not question our parents. Who we become as adults and what we believe in is attributed to our surroundings growing up. Incidents during our youth can taint our future forever.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we live in a society that portrays skinny bitches and those with money and power as perfection. But, nobody is perfect and if our dream is to be a follower of someone else just because they showcase the best of the best then we are all screwed.
All to often, we surround ourselves with people who turn out not to be our true friends. We allow these people into our inner circle for many different reasons. Perhaps because they look a certain way, know someone important, or maybe we secretly envy there life. Regardless of the reason, when we look to depend on them all to often our perspective of their value in our life alters.
The same logic we use in dating can be used in friendships. If the person was really into you and actually cared about you and your well being they would return a call, make time in their day to see you, remember your birthday, etc.
We take for granted our true friends. Maybe they don't look like Heidi Klum or Orlando Bloom, but when our life starts to crumble they are the first ones by our side. I am lucky enough to have a handful of truly great friends. I have tested our friendship over the last months and spilled my guts over many glasses of wine. I don't know what I would have done without their support and encouragement. Their words of advice and wisdom have been my saving grace and sanity.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Used and Abused

Who we love isn't logical and how we react after the initial shock of being blindsided is just as odd.
It quickly became apparent after I arrived in the sunshine state that life wouldn't simply start over just because I was thousands of miles away. There were many days when I wouldn't get out of bed until the late morning and even when I did finally wake up I wasn't really there. I was a walking zombie. I would forget to eat for days; Dr. Phil and Carrie Bradshaw had become my new best friends. My only pleasure at this point came from shopping. It had become my soft porn so to speak. For a brief moment I was able to forget about my problems and enjoy being pampered by the sales staff. Of course, my wallet can only handle so much retail therapy.
When I first told my friends and family my plan they all thought I was Looney. It didn't matter what they said I had made my decision. It was around this time that I heard about what happened to Michelle and everything she was dealing with in her personal life. All of a sudden the pieces to the puzzle started coming together. I would move into Michelle's condo in Miami, since it was sitting untouched anyways and she would move into my apartment in LA. Finding a job was easier than I thought. A friend of a friend knew somebody who knew someone who desperately needed help and just like that I was on my way to a new life in an old city with everything I loved stuffed into two suitcases.
It took some time and multiple trips to Target and antique shops, but I finally have made this place feel like a cozy home. But, it has never felt right and I've quickly outgrown the studio. So, once again I'm packing up, but this time I'm not moving cross-country.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sublime Happiness of a Guarded Heart

The laid back, slower pace of living in a vacation destination is a big change from the hustle of a metropolitan city. Taxi horns and people talking to themselves in the street had become familiar noises to me over the years. The chaos and face pace world kept me coming back for more. Nearly anything was at my disposal all day, every day. I felt like I was on top of the world. Power breakfast at the Ritz, business lunch at the newest "it" restaurant and after work drinks and a light dinner with the girls. For a while I was untouchable. After all these years working my way up the corporate ladder I had finally made it, I thought. It was of course all to perfect, something had to give. Brick by brick the Cinderella dream began to crumble.
I put money aside for a rainy day, but it never dawned on me to have a safety net for my heart.
It's taken me a long time to get past the pain and betrayal. When I think about it now, it doesn't feel real. It feels more like a bad dream. As if all my memories of him, of us are just a mirage.
When I think back to that final day. It comes in broken pieces. How could I have been so naive? How did I missed the red flags? The lies? The other woman? I've blocked out the images and words that hurt me the most and after self-editing all I can remember now is "I'm sorry." Ironically those words hurt the most now. The rest of that day is mostly a blur. As is the majority of my life from that day until recently.
I think back to the person I was during those years of sublime happiness and I don't know her anymore. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I feel that I have evolved and grown over the last months. I don't need a man or a flashy car to prove my self worth.
There is peacefulness from watching the ocean waves and the palm trees dance with the wind. It's a different way of life and one that I am learning to appreciate.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Bittersweet Ending to a Fairytale Dream

Maybe some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some are just passing through to teach us a lesson.
Time passing is bittersweet these days. The reality of a life once lived is finally settling in. I am looking forward to closing this chapter and excited for what the future will bring.
One last trip to the city that once was a childhood dream and my love affair with the sunshine state will official be over. Miami maybe big enough for our dysfunctional love triangle, but walking on eggshells every time I go out is far from relaxing. Some might say I let JSR win and I suppose he did. As he requested, there will never be a confrontation or an awkward run in. I had tried so hard to force this idea of what I thought was paradise, when in reality it was never what I really wanted, but rather a life that he had and one that I thought was perfect. He can have the city back it never really was mine.
I've given up my dream of living in the sunshine state as a direct result of his actions. Initially, I tried to believe that his words meant nothing to me. How could they I thought? He was never my boyfriend or husband, he was just a friend. Turns out being dissed by a friend hurts way more than being dumped by a partner. I put more trust in my friendships than my lovers, because there is a presumed agreement that both parties have each other’s best interests and will never betray the other. Versus a lover who regardless of how much they love you, there is always a chance that one day they will cheat on you or leave you.
For the first couple months post "breakup" I was walking around in a state of shock. Every waking moment all I could think about was his letter. I reread the note to myself all day, every day. Secretly hoping that somehow the words wouldn't hurt as much the second read or the hundredth read. Instead, the more times I read the letter the most confused and upset I became.
I had mixed feelings returning to Miami last winter, but I felt I needed to prove to myself that I was over him and that I could enjoy the city without him. I was so confidence in myself that trip that I finally took the plunge and bought a condo. Which as most impulsive decisions was a very poor one. At the time I thought that the more times I returned to the scene of the crime, the quicker I would forget about him. What was I thinking? I very quickly learned that no matter how hard I tried to block him from my thoughts, the more I obsessed about him and where he might be at that very second.
Since I can remember I've always a love affair with the sunshine state. I grew up in New York, but I've always thought of Florida as my true home. Sounds odd I know, but it's always felt like in a past life I was from there. Throughout the years I've collected pretty much any object with a palm tree or beach inspired theme. To the point that when I was twenty I got a palm tree sunset tattoo on my back. So that a part of me was always lovely in paradise.
When it came time to finally move into the new condo I already had the perfect beach theme furniture and accessories. I had planned on leaving my car at the condo, as I typically would fly down every six weeks. I never planned to live here full-time and when I was in town I usually spent most of the time out and about so when I was deciding on what place to get I didn't want anything fancy. It was mainly going to be used as a crash pad.
I only came down once after the closing. Dreams were shattered during that brief trip. I was tempting fate by being so bold and flaunting my presence around town. I still felt like I had to prove myself and show that his words and actions had no effect on me. It was working, with each passing day I felt more and more confident that I had truly let him go. But, in an instant all that changed. I caught a glimpse of the ghost and immediately became sick to my stomach. It was just a second, he passed by in his car, which has a customized license plate and then he was gone again. Yet, he was too close for comfort. As impulsive as I was with buying the condo I just as quickly put it back on the market. I left that night and up until a couple weeks ago hadn't been back since. I found a buyer for the condo and we close on it next month.
Everything does happen for a reason and what had become my home sweet hell is now Summer's sweet new home. She moved into the condo earlier this year. It was nearly perfectly set up, just needed some unpacking and dusting. For me it is a bittersweet ending to a fairytale dream.