Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Cold Case

The worst mistake was thinking the person who hurt you the most, wouldn't hurt you again. I had been down this very road before, but it wasn't for exactly the same reasons. We had worked thru our previous issues, even separated for a year. I had initiated the reunion. I missed his quirks, his off beat perspective on life and so I made some calls and found out he had left the state and was living in the Carolinas. I took a chance and called his parents. What was I doing? I had broken this man's heart. I had destroyed his trust in me. I would later find out that he had left the state because of me, because he feared bumping into me.
The next week I was on a plane bound for Nicholas Sparks’s territory. I ran into his arms at the terminal, we both cried and embraced for what felt like forever. I was once again at peace. The demons of the past were long gone or so I thought.
We were given a second chance at the fairytale dream. Three years later and once again we found ourselves in a similar situation. For no partial reason, we had become strangers again. The sex had ended months before; the conversations were few and far between. Yet, neither one of us was willing to except that maybe we weren't meant for happily ever after. We were both vocal that something was wrong, but what exactly was the cause of the friction was never spoken. I mentioned trying couples therapy and every time we had an appointment he was absent.
We were polar opposites and it wasn't fair to myself or him to hinder on one another's wants and desires. He would have moved across the country for me, but it would only alienate his family and I didn't want this burden on my shoulders. I didn't want to feel guilty for following my dreams. I wanted to be happy and while I knew he would find a way to be happy anywhere it felt wrong making him relocate for my selfish well being.
The final blow was my doing. It was bound to happen one day, how it continued for so long in silence was a miracle. A big part of me was afraid to let go to call it quits. But, it wasn't far to him or myself.
We tried to repair the damage, but it was too little too late. I knew it was for the best, but the words were impossible to say. This would be it; there would never be another chance. We would both walk away bitter and resentful this time. In the end, maybe the ex files should have been left closed. We never were a cold case, but now the end will forever haunt me.

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