Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Paper Reality

“I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.” Winnie the Pooh

The original point of this writing exercise at least for me was to make peace with the past and to free my mind from the tortured ghosts. It would seem that I have accomplished this objective. I have in the last few days turned my focus to working on the rough draft of the book. Which on it's own is a pretty awesome objective and certainly not something I ever really thought I would be saying I was doing. The biggest change I had noticed is that the people that had been the main focus of my blog posts over the last few months and who will also be a large part of the book no longer are people I know. There is no emotional connection with them anymore. Which is a fantastic feeling. I question if I would even notice them on the street anymore. Now, when I see their names on paper I don't get a cold feeling. Instead I feel nothing. My mind is no longer bias against them. It's a fascinating process developing the people who were once a part of my life into a reality on paper.
There are times when I still don't really understand what happened. There is the obvious and I do get that now and wonder why I didn't see the train wreck barreling towards me for months prior. But, I had been wearing rose colored glasses for years so I never had a chance. For the most part everything that happened makes perfect sense now. Everything that is except for the slandering remarks and unproductive shit storm of words that occurred earlier this month. But, what is done is done. Like I said before I forgive M and company and now I have began to forget them, but I have a feeling they won't be forgetting me any time soon. Gotta love karma, it really is a bitch.
The best part of this writing exercise is that I finally get it. There will always be an unsolved mystery in regards to M and company and I'm starting to enjoy the allure again. For the most part I am glad I met M and I'm quite fine having a "fun girl" label. I prefer it actually. I am a fun girl. I'm not a married, mother of two, one day I will be (well not married I hope) but with kids. For now thou I'm enjoying being free from the baggage, jealously, insecurity and emotional land mine that comes with married life. Like me, love me or hate me. I'm not changing for you. So there.

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