Sunday, June 20, 2010

Welcome To The Circus

Do I feel bad? Sure a part of me feels sorry for the innocent bystanders watching this story unfold and revealing a Jekyll side to a person they consider a sweet, family man. Perhaps, to some he still is and perhaps it really is true that everyone has perfected the poker face and has learned to play a different role depending who is in their company.
I had spent months going over the last weeks and days before the note. I had told anyone and everyone the story and after a while I was starting to think I was going nuts. Why couldn't I let it go? What was it about M, about the note, about all of it that still bothered me? I needed a third party to tell me I wasn't crazy. So, I went to the place where there were nuts, a therapist. Sometimes when I would be sitting in the waiting room, there would be a person talking to themselves and cursing out strangers, but for the most part it was angry or depressed teenagers who were being forced to see a doctor. It was during those first visits in the bitter cold New England winter that the truth of years of wondering became clear. I had let myself get emotional involved with someone who was emotionless. Had it started now, I doubt I would have let all the red flags go by without a thought. So if my souvenir from visiting the circus is the ability to check one more goal off the bucket list then I am walking away a winner.
During my therapy session a few weeks ago, where we were discussing all the back and forth conversations with the supposed JSR and company, she said something rather poignant and while I had known it all along I needed to hear it from someone who wasn't bias. That was how I came to see a therapist in the first place.

Doc "From what I gather their relationship (JSR and company) is a dysfunctional one, a fight for power in a circus. You have spend months questioning yourself, wondering what you did to cause the cliffhanger and now after hearing their bizarre reasoning do you finally get it? It could never have been your fault. You did nothing wrong. They have made up their own version of the story because the truth is too painful and embarrassing to admit. No one is perfect, but the majority of the time it is the ones who portray perfection to the public that in reality, behind closed doors are so far from it. I'm an old fart when it comes to social networks, but displaying photos of your children for anyone and everyone to view and doing PDAs via the Internet is odd. They are attempting to defecate your character, in hopes of damaging the truth. Does it really matter thou? You know the truth, but they aren't sitting here, you are. So, where do you go from here?"

Me "I walk away with my dignity and pride and I continue writing. It is the best gift I could have gotten from M."


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