Saturday, May 1, 2010

The Con Man

I'm not stupid really. Except when it comes to men.
But, as is the pattern in my life, one unfortunate event always leads to another and another. Death and drama typically come in threes. In my case it seems more like three by three. I should know better by now, but I'm a sucker for pain and stupidly going back for seconds. Three is not a lucky number for me. The start of the downward fall began last spring. My marriage was just starting to fall apart. All the characteristics that I once loved about John were now the most annoying things. We were barely speaking, which may seem odd given that we lived in the same house. But, some how without a discussion we basically became roommates. He starting sleeping on the pullout sofa and I would get the bedroom. This new living arrangement continued until the fall. Around this time JSR out of the blue emailed me "Hope your well." When I first saw the note I sat, staring at the computer screen for a good ten minutes. At the same time, all these feelings of anger and regret that I had stored far away in my head ever so quickly returned. Given how we had ended four years I never expected to hear from him again and really I never wanted to. Back then I got the first glimpse of his Jekyll side. But, I thought to myself if I didn't give him a second chance to be friends I would always kick myself. Of course I should have listened to the little voice in me that said, "Fuck you man. You're an asshole."
Instead though I responded to his email by saying "Thanks. You too. Congratulations." and he quickly responded with "Thanks." Was this the grand gesture I thought? What does he want? Over the next couple months we casually chatted about once a week. When I asked him what made him finally decide to get married (being that he couldn't even call me more than a friend after ten years) he said, "I meet my match." What a douche bag I thought. Isn't it a bit inappropriate and rude to once again let me know you just aren't that into me? But, once again I didn't listen to the little voice. That was until one day his email was borderline flirty. Again I thought to myself what a douche bag and this time I finally went off on him and said everything I wanted to say four years ago, but was to afraid to. The thing is while I did basically tell him to fuck off; I left a small window open because I hate endings.
In summary the note said:
"To be honest I'm a bit confused as to why you contacted me out of the blue after nearly four years. You're life is changing big time and I get that and if you want to casually chat I would be more happy to. But, it can never be what it once was. Over the years I have thought of you as a great friend and I would like to believe that at some point you thought of me as more than a friend with benefits. When I moved back north we talked less, but I still thought of you as a friend. But, after my last visit whatever friendship we had ended. I have moved on and so have you. I truly am happy for you and congratulations again on your marriage and the baby. If you ever make it up this way let me know. I wish you the best."
I never heard from him after this, so three weeks later I sent him and the wife a few items from their baby registry (she was six months pregnant at the time) and another note that basically said, "I hope you didn't take my last email the wrong way, but you have to understand where I am coming from. I send you and your wife a few items from the registry. Congratulations again." (The note that came with the gifts was signed both by my husband and me. So that Jackass didn't feel pressured to mention me. ) There was no false message in my desire to send gifts. To me this reconnection was merely a way to bring a more appropriate ending to our history. As soon as the gifts arrived I received a super nice email from the wife and a friend request on fb.
I should point out that she and I are complete opposites. She loves the color pink, believes one must be married, always uses the word my husband instead of his real name, goes to church and believes the husband should be the bread winner. She remembers anniversaries and expects a present on Valentine's Day; she enjoys cheesy romantic flicks and the Twilight movies. Oh and she is fourteen years older than me.
When I think back now to the various conversations I had with his wife in the months that followed I am even more confused. For months we all were talking and everything seemed fine. She knew I was married too and lived in a different state. What more she knew about me was for JSR to disclose. But, there were more warning signs that maybe he wasn't being completely truthful with me, with her.
Even though I was going thru martial problems with my husband at this time I never wanted anything more than a late night chat buddy from JSR. But, I was more vulnerable than usual and I enjoyed the renewed interest JSR showed towards me. Yet every time he said something borderline flirty the little voice in me said step away now, but I never did. Mostly because the thought that he could want me now seemed so out there and if I were to actually ask him I feared the answer. But I didn't want him in a sexual way.
In a way I felt bad for the guy. In less than a year he had gone from a bachelor living a rock star life to a married father of two. Free time now was spent at mini golf and the bowling alley. So not sexy. lol
But, even thou surroundings change, the person you are never really changes and for a brief while I got a glimpse of the man I once knew.
In October, after numerous failed attempts to meet for drinks, we finally met face to face. He wanted to introduce me to his wife and baby (she was eight weeks old then). I was curious as to why. Clearly one doesn't go out of their way to introduce their ex-lover to their wife. So in a way I was flattered. I agreed to meet him and the family at a local cafe. For me I just wanted closure and a better ending to our history. Even though by this point my marriage was basically over I wasn't jealous of their "picture perfect" marriage. It never has been a life I wanted nor was it one I thought he wanted.
(Read Ghosts from the Past post)
I wasn't nervous I was happy and confident. If anything I think he was nervous. Whether he realized then what would happen shortly thereafter I'm not sure. It's a puzzling fifteen minutes that I can never get back and will forever remember. It was certainly the oddest and most uncomfortable fifteen minutes of my life. I suppose you could call it an Alanis Morissette moment, when you meet the man of your dreams (but really he never was) and his beautiful wife (which she definitely is). Yet, even then I wasn't freaked out. The majority of the time I was talking to her, about random stuff, the kids, travel, and the weather. I felt like I was on a job interview. His questions thou were really odd. Slightly neutral questions, but lots of complements (not about my appearance) and overly interested in my condo search for a place there. I asked a friend later what it meant and he said he probably wanted the wife not to feel threatened so in the future if we hung out she wouldn't be concerned. I wonder now if my answers to a couple of her questions made her start questioning my history with JSR. But, from the start she was put off. She was confused as to why I was traveling alone, even thou I never implied I wasn't and when I said my husband hates vacation here once again she was confused. Poor wording on my part, as it certainly didn't mean I want to fuck your husband.
That was the last time we spoke. A few days later he emailed me to say we can't be friends anymore.
(Read Poltergeist post)
Yes, once again I was blindsided by him, but unlike the last time I never ever expected to be. Especially after everything I said to him in the beginning. He should have realized he had already betrayed my trust once. How I let someone so evil and cowardly have such a profound effect over me is embarrassing. Breaking up is never easy, but in order to actually break up with someone you need to be in a relationship with them. Then again maybe we always had been.
The thing I have yet to understand is given how happy and picture perfect they portray their lives, what happened in a fifteen minute conversation with me that could have been so threatening to their marriage that we can never ever speak again. Or had I been conned all these years into believing he ever cared about me. Do I have a sign on me that says "Sucker"? I'm I really that stupid or was he just a really smooth MF. It's rather fitting that his initials are also the same as Mother Fucker.
That day was my tipping point and his note sent me over the edge again. But, everything happens for a reason and just like the last time I'm finally starting to see past the fog and I'm coming back stronger and wiser.


  1. why is it that even when they are total assholes we still continue to feel bad for them or want to have any contact with them while they are able to just move on and pretend that all that history didnt mean shit. The reality of the matter is that you have to be the same asshole back and thats when they all of a sudden start to call you and pretend that nothing ever happend. The sad thing is what you hold dear to your heart the memories of you two, he sees nothing of it except maybe the sex involved. And saddly they are all the same.

  2. Couldn't have said it better myself. What I've discovered is that the men who need to feel in control are the ones who turn out to be cowards. Once you realize this it makes moving on a bit easier, because you see them for who they really are and not who they portray themselves to be.Funny thing is the few good men I've met are too nice and perfect. Guess I like the pain and the hunt. Thanks for reading.

  3. In reading your story, I believe the wife got jealous and forbid him to be friends with you. That would explain the about face...
    It's easy for an outsider like me to say, but it's better for you to move on and put him behind you. You sound like an incredible person who has a lot to offer someone who is genuine and not into mind games!

  4. The only logical reason would be that the wife got jealous.But, there is a proper and polite way to say we can't speak again especially if you have known the person for so many years. What is incredibly puzzling is the fact that they portray themselves as an over the top in love couple. So if this is true what could I have done or said in just fifteen minutes to threaten their picture perfect marriage? What pisses me off isn't that our friendship is over but rather the fact that he refuses to tell me why. Does he seriously have no balls? Thanks for the comment and reading the blog. MV


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