Friday, May 21, 2010


I can't put all the blame on John, as the cause of our divorce. People always say opposites attract and in our case we were the pictures of complete opposite personalities. I am a controlling, neat, organized, perfectionist, who is responsible (for the most part). John, on the other hand has attention deficit disorder, is forgetful and misplaces or loses objects frequently. He doesn't care what people think about him and he is fearless. Coming from an environment where I was taught to spend within my means, look both ways before crossing the street, not talk to strangers and think before I speak, I found John's slightly unorthodox views and actions refreshing.
While I don't believe in love at first sight, there was something about John that I immediately was fascinated with. He was absolutely different in nearly every way from my previous boyfriends. He was super sweet and romantic. He was my Aiden and I should have been so lucky to be given this fabulous man. For the most part our work schedules were opposite. He worked nights and I worked days. At night the demons of my past (JSR) became my sanctuary in the insomniac hours. JSR and I had over the years developed a nightly routine, where we would often talk for hours online. JSR and John are complete opposites. I've imagined them fighting it out like Big and Aiden in the mud and I would bet John would win.
The problem with demons is they never go away. They maybe gone in the daylight hours, but after the sunsets they always come back. Over time their desires take over your waking thoughts. It's a fight between good and evil and all to often the dark side wins.
I'm no saint, but then who is. I've done things I wish I could erase, but I've learned from my mistakes. The affair isn't what destroyed the marriage. It was long over many years before, I just wasn't aware John had known about all this time. It was an impulsive and stupid decision. I had let JSR back into my life, the picture perfect one I had created with John. A part of me knew then that the white picket fence marriage bored me and in JSR I found a comfort I couldn't get from John. It's the sad truth. When I first told JSR I was engaged, I remember him saying, "You aren't the marrying type." He was right and a part of me knew it too, but I got sucked into the whole bridal fantasy and the idea of a perfect life.
It wasn't over night, but over the course of six months our double life wasn't safe behind a computer screen anymore. If you have ever tried online dating then maybe you will understand, but the emotions and imagination from talking to someone you can't touch I have found are more intense. Unknowingly, we develop an emotional attachment to this person. The Internet often times allows us to feel more comfortable disclosing personal and private information in an extremely intimate environment. We develop a bond with this person who we may never meet and that's part of the attraction and mystery.
JSR over the years had become my backup plan and I was his. Of course, being runner up is never the same as first place.

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