Sunday, May 16, 2010

Pieces of Me

Why do I still think about him? Why does he still get to me? How can his life go on as if nothing happened? As if I was merely a wrong turn in the road. When I see pictures of him now (the curse and blessing of the Internet. Nearly anyone can be found.) with the wife and kids I still can't believe that I once knew him. Who he portrays himself to be now is so far from the man I once knew. I assumed that his life just like mine paused the day we stopped speaking. Clearly I was wrong. Life it would appear continued happily along ever since. I wonder what ever happened to the stroller I got them and the adorable matching T-shirt and skirt I got for their daughter. It would fit her perfectly now. I wonder if he ever thought about me after that day. If pieces of me are still with him today.
When I first met JSR I was young and believed in happily ever after. I believed what people said and I had my heart hurt a few times along the way. I don't aspire to have hundreds of friends, but I do have a handful of great ones. For the majority of my twenties and last few years of my teenage years I considered JSR one of my best friends. Up until then I had never met someone who truly understood all my quirks and me. Over the years he become more like my rock and meant more to me then he will ever know. When I think back now to the beginning years I must believe that he did love me. As my therapist said, I need to makeup my own ending since I never will get one from him. I prefer to think about the blissful years, when he was so sweet and kind, but then when I flash forward to the present I'm confronted with the fact that it was all a lie. What I don't understand and perhaps never will is why seeing a photo of him still shakes me to the core. To think that he is out there in the world going about his day and being this happy and devoted father and husband is wonderful and at the same time so twisted. What's even odder is the fact that I don't even find him attractive anymore and yet I can't stop obsessing over him.
I was thinking today about what I would do and say if I ever do see him again. The fantasy is always more glamorous then the reality. I want to hurt him. I want to embarrass him, but I doubt I can bruise someone who remains untouchable.
The reality is, even after all the fan fair and drama I most likely won't say anything. Whatever I do say or ask won't change the past or the present. If anything I will feel worse, because he will then know how much damage his words have caused me.
I wonder if I will ever be free or will I still be chasing the ghost forty years from now.


  1. If you don't find him attractive, and don't love him anymore, then you are obsessing and holding on to anger. Let it go. Life's too short.

  2. Very interesting. I know a lot of women in the same situation. You will get through it!!

  3. I am in your shoes. Right here. Right now. Just waiting for it all to fade..Everyone's advice is well meaning, but you have to do ONLY what gets you through.

  4. Yes I am very anger still. Anger not because we can't be friends anymore, but rather because of the cold and cowardly way he ended our friendship. Which then makes me question if we ever really were friends. When I talk to other people in the same situation I am great with giving advice, but when it comes to JSR no words of wisdom can ever make the pain go away any faster. Life is a puzzle. Why we meet certain people and why some people leave our lives with unanswered questions is a mystery. I realize it's insane to be holding on to memories of someone who is long gone and I wish I could flip a switch and erase him completely from my thoughts, but unfortunately I can't. Thanks for the comments guys. It means a lot. MV


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