Saturday, May 22, 2010

Fear Factor

"You are an asshole. You are a fucking asshole." I feel I must continue repeating this rant to myself every time I think about him. If I let him go from my mind then he has won. Yet, if I keep him in my thoughts he has won too. But, if I force myself to look at his image and remember his name it makes me angry and in turn I am inspired to write.
When we are terrified of something, like spiders or bridges, the best solution is to confront the fear in hopes that we will overcome it. The same philosophy holds true in our romantic relationships. Whether we would like to admit it or not. Until we confront our worst fears, ask the difficult questions like, "Do you love me?" "Will you marry me?," "Are you having an affair?" we will be overwhelmed with terror. Perhaps, fear is an extreme word in terms of describing my feelings now towards JSR. I don't fear him, not in a physical way, but mentally and emotionally he still gives me goose bumps. As if the image I see in front of me is a relaxation of a ghost. The photos seem out of context now, as if he was photo shopped in. I have tried so hard to remove my feelings and memories from the pictures, but it seems impossible.
I was reorganizing and cleaning around the house yesterday and there in a brown box, tucked away in the back of the closet where the memories of a life once lived. As I sorted thru the old clothes and CDs he had recorded for me, I came across a neatly folded note he had written me nearly a decade ago. As I unfolded the now faded note, I stepped back in time, to a place when life was carefree. The more memories I remember the more hurt and confused I become. No matter how hard I try I can't let go. At times it doesn't feel real, like the images of us at the beach, watching a movie in bed, chatting until the early morning hours. That all of these frozen moments are not mine. As if I was watching someone else’s life on the screen. I wish this were true, because then maybe I would feel nothing.
Out of the eight hundred plus "friends" on Facebook, most of whom he doesn't really know, why am I singled out and removed? What makes me so different from all the others? How is it deemed appropriate to defriend someone you once knew so intimately without an explanation or warning. For someone who is thirty-six, it's a bit childish and naive to think that a simple act will quickly solve the issue. Unfortunately, my feelings were never a factor in his impulsive decision. He did what was easiest for him and I suppose it did solve the martial issue. As far as he was concerned, with the click of a button I would be gone. I only wish it were so easy for me to forget the past.Do I terrify you so much that you can't respond to my question "why?"


  1. wow i feel like you were reading my thoughts. maybe we are in the same position at the moment. all i can tell you is this, you will never get an answer to your why. You know why? bc he JSR was too much of a coward to be honest with you. I was in a 8 year relationship with someone; thinking this man loves me and i am going to be with him forever until one day he told me he didnt love me anymore but he could not answer why. It hurts to much I too have gone through the pictures and the love letters, the memories are the hardest to endure. But like my mom said you are never going to get an answer to your why, just be thankful that God got him out of your life becuase he obviously has better plans for you. I hope the same for you as well and i hope she is right. In the meantime i continue to always remind myself that he left me and that he is a F***** loser for leaving me!!! Whatever you have to do to get him out of your mind do it!!!!

  2. You have no idea. In a way I'm glad it's finally over for good. I no longer have to wonder if maybe in a couple years he will find me again. All I want to do now is throw a drink in his face and walk away. Clearly I have more balls then him. Thanks for reading and just remember you are the lucky one, even if it doesn't seem like it today. MV


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