Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Bittersweet Ending to a Fairytale Dream

Maybe some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some are just passing through to teach us a lesson.
Time passing is bittersweet these days. The reality of a life once lived is finally settling in. I am looking forward to closing this chapter and excited for what the future will bring.
One last trip to the city that once was a childhood dream and my love affair with the sunshine state will official be over. Miami maybe big enough for our dysfunctional love triangle, but walking on eggshells every time I go out is far from relaxing. Some might say I let JSR win and I suppose he did. As he requested, there will never be a confrontation or an awkward run in. I had tried so hard to force this idea of what I thought was paradise, when in reality it was never what I really wanted, but rather a life that he had and one that I thought was perfect. He can have the city back it never really was mine.
I've given up my dream of living in the sunshine state as a direct result of his actions. Initially, I tried to believe that his words meant nothing to me. How could they I thought? He was never my boyfriend or husband, he was just a friend. Turns out being dissed by a friend hurts way more than being dumped by a partner. I put more trust in my friendships than my lovers, because there is a presumed agreement that both parties have each other’s best interests and will never betray the other. Versus a lover who regardless of how much they love you, there is always a chance that one day they will cheat on you or leave you.
For the first couple months post "breakup" I was walking around in a state of shock. Every waking moment all I could think about was his letter. I reread the note to myself all day, every day. Secretly hoping that somehow the words wouldn't hurt as much the second read or the hundredth read. Instead, the more times I read the letter the most confused and upset I became.
I had mixed feelings returning to Miami last winter, but I felt I needed to prove to myself that I was over him and that I could enjoy the city without him. I was so confidence in myself that trip that I finally took the plunge and bought a condo. Which as most impulsive decisions was a very poor one. At the time I thought that the more times I returned to the scene of the crime, the quicker I would forget about him. What was I thinking? I very quickly learned that no matter how hard I tried to block him from my thoughts, the more I obsessed about him and where he might be at that very second.
Since I can remember I've always a love affair with the sunshine state. I grew up in New York, but I've always thought of Florida as my true home. Sounds odd I know, but it's always felt like in a past life I was from there. Throughout the years I've collected pretty much any object with a palm tree or beach inspired theme. To the point that when I was twenty I got a palm tree sunset tattoo on my back. So that a part of me was always lovely in paradise.
When it came time to finally move into the new condo I already had the perfect beach theme furniture and accessories. I had planned on leaving my car at the condo, as I typically would fly down every six weeks. I never planned to live here full-time and when I was in town I usually spent most of the time out and about so when I was deciding on what place to get I didn't want anything fancy. It was mainly going to be used as a crash pad.
I only came down once after the closing. Dreams were shattered during that brief trip. I was tempting fate by being so bold and flaunting my presence around town. I still felt like I had to prove myself and show that his words and actions had no effect on me. It was working, with each passing day I felt more and more confident that I had truly let him go. But, in an instant all that changed. I caught a glimpse of the ghost and immediately became sick to my stomach. It was just a second, he passed by in his car, which has a customized license plate and then he was gone again. Yet, he was too close for comfort. As impulsive as I was with buying the condo I just as quickly put it back on the market. I left that night and up until a couple weeks ago hadn't been back since. I found a buyer for the condo and we close on it next month.
Everything does happen for a reason and what had become my home sweet hell is now Summer's sweet new home. She moved into the condo earlier this year. It was nearly perfectly set up, just needed some unpacking and dusting. For me it is a bittersweet ending to a fairytale dream.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Think before you post a comment. With that in mind, we love comments, even the rude ones and remember whatever you write on here will live on forever.