Monday, May 24, 2010

Confessions from Venus

We haven't been formally introduced, but I get the feeling we might have known one another in a previous life. I apology for being so shy and rude. So, Mr. Man (The Man), welcome to the ladies club. I see you have made yourself feel right at home and I hope you can bring me and the other female followers of Love Bites some peace of mind and incite into the mind of a man.
I was reading you post the other day about the five year one night stand relationship and thought to myself isn't that right. That's exactly what JSR and I were. Then after previewing today's I thought I would give you a shout and see what your thoughts were on JSR and our history.
I'll try and make it as short as possible. I've written about the bitter ending to our dysfunctional relationship (if you can call it that) on the blog, but I was hoping that if I started from the beginning maybe you or any other male reader out there in cyberspace could let me in on the true meaning of any or all of our time together.
We meet online nearly ten years ago. He lived in Florida, at the time I was in New York. We religiously talked online and on the phone for the first year. I had made up this image of him being 300 lbs (not sure why) so anyhow we finally exchange pictures and the following week I was Florida bound. For the next couple years I visited him about once every other month for a week or so at a time. I never asked what we were, but there were times when I assumed I meant something more than a friend with benefits. He introduced me to his siblings (online at least), he bought me presents, etc but there was never a formal I love you or anything like that. The long distance relationship had its pros and cons. I had, thanks to JSR, accepted a job near him in 2002, but at the last minute decided not to move to Naples and instead took a job in Boston. When I think back now to the first couple years we were together, I truly think he cared about me. Was it love I'm not sure. We had our fair share of fights and makeup sex, as well as embarrassing moments, like the time I got second degree burns on my face on the first of seven days visiting him. (I was upset with him over something silly and decided not to put sunscreen on.) I'll show him I thought and boy did I. I looked like a blowfish for the next three weeks.
As I was reading your comment about how you never considered that woman a "girlfriend" and the casual places you went out together to I realized that each one of those places were the primary places we use to go. On one date (if you can call it that) I brought a girlfriend along. When I think back now, there were times when I think he really did try to make "us" work as something more than a casual fling. But, I've got a wicked poker face and at times it can be misunderstood and considered rude or cocky. When in reality, it's all a bluff, but I just have learned not to put all the cards out on the table in fear of getting hurt. A girlfriend of mine thought that maybe at one point he really did love me and when I started seriously dating someone else he folded and let the idea of "us" go. Who knows. At this point I'll take any remotely logical answer.
This timeline might get a bit confusing so let me briefly summarize. I met JSR in 2000, I met John in 2003, we were engaged in 2004, broke up in 2006, got back together in 2007 and finally got married, then got divorced at the end of 2009/2010. So with this in mind, for the first couple years John and I were dating, JSR and I were still talking, but it wasn't quite the same. Funny thing is on my way home from work, JSR was always the first one I would call, not John. Our late night chats became fewer and fewer, but when we did talk he would always jokingly mention he was jealous. John and I briefly moved to Florida in 2004 and during that time JSR and I began an affair. (Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know) John was offered a job back up north and a part of me wanted to stay behind and see what might happen with JSR. (again stupid, stupid, stupid) When I proposed this idea to JSR he said he didn't think it was a good idea and that he didn't want any strings. (ie. commitment) So I left, but we managed to stay in touch. There seemed to be a pattern, where after each breakup JSR would come back to me. Ironically nearly every woman he was dating, he had been living with. In 2006 when John and I were broken up and I was going thru some other life changes, I decided to visit JSR once again for a long weekend. The worst trip of my life. I drank too much and being that I had been up since 4am traveling to see him I was exhausted. He took me out to a club with five other girls (none of whom I knew). I hadn't seen the guy in nearly three years I just wanted to spend some alone time with him. After about twenty minutes at the club where the girls were in a circle around him I told him I was tired and wanted to go back. He had his friend (whom he forgot to mention was crashing at his one bedroom apartment) pick me up. For the next two days he was on his Blackberry texting away, pretending I didn't exist and had his friend take me out at night because he didn't feel like it. When I asked him what's up he goes, "I saw a side of you I didn't like and I guess you saw a different side of me." I never heard from him after I left (not even to see if I landed okay. His friend called me to make sure I got home okay.) So that incident was in 2006. Flashforward to 2009. He got married in 2008 to someone I believe he knew for only 6-12 months. She has a child from a previous marriage. I know all this because one day I stupidly googled his name and found their Myspace page with the wedding album on autopilot. I didn't reach out then. I had moved on and I was glad he had too. Which brings us to the spring of 2009 and the brief email, "Hope your well," that he sent to me. You know the rest from that day on and the bitter ending to a puzzling and misleading relationship.
So my questions, Mr. Man or any man really:

1) What was my label?

2) Did he ever love me or at least think of me as someone more than a friend with benefits?

3) Why was I never girlfriend or wife material?

4) Why did he find me again, especially given that he was married?

and most importantly;

5) Why did he want to meet and why did he introduce me to his wife and new child?


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