Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Other One

I know what I said yesterday about taking a break from Love Bites, but I'm addicted to writing these days. I wrote my first blog on the new account last night, but for some reason the words just aren't coming out as easily. I was re reading all the blogs we have written on here and I can't believe it's only been two months. It feels like such a long time ago. I was in a fragile state back then and thankfully I no longer am.
Was I "the one" all along? Had I missed all the signs over the years? Or am I simplying the fun girl, the object of your affection and desire when it suits you? The unobtainable is always more illusive and sexy when it's off limits.
I am living in the present, but in order to truly move forward I must go far back. I had sedated my feelings for so long or rather I never really understood why I felt a certain way or why seeing the pictures of his wedding had such a significant effect on me. I realize now, that he was the one (at least for that period in my life), but there will be other "ones."
Had I missed all the signs, the gestures, and the unspoken words that meant so much? Why he never was able to say his feelings out loud and why I was so chicken shit too all those years suck. There is no other way to describe it. It's like waking up one day and wishing you had said "I Love You" or "I'm Sorry," not realizing that yesterday was the last day you would ever see that person.
Or maybe it never was anything, but sweet young lust. But, neither one of us is an adolescent anymore. I have seen JSR's niece and nephew be born and now nine years later seen them grow up. I remember congratulating his sister when she got married some seven years ago and our nightly discussions about life and JSR.
Our fights were never heated; the couple I do remember were always started by me. There was the one night where I fell asleep on the living room sofa waiting for him to come back from work. When I woke up at 3am, he was home and in bed. Why I thought to pick a fight at that hour I couldn't tell me. I was angry that he didn't try to wake me, which he later said he did. Then again I can sleep thru a hurricane (which I have). I remember trying to change my flight and return home earlier, waking him up again at 3am and asking him if he wanted me to stay. "Wait, what. Of course I do." "Okay fine. I will," and back to bed I went. Maybe this whole time I was the one playing the mind games. Making sure he was "the one." But, by the time I realized it he was long gone. Left behind are just the memories and dead end roads. Maybe we are all fallen lovers, destine for a life of what if.
I chose to get married, as did he. Did I fold my cards and accept that maybe I was the marrying type? Did he give up his rock star dreams because he was aging and she (being the wife) seemed nice enough and was over the top in love with him?
Since we all know Michelle is not my real name and frankly I've never thought of myself as a Michelle. Perhaps I should change my alias name to something I actually would like to be called. Maybe, Kathleen or Gisele, it sounds like a sophisticated yet sexy librarian. Something to think about. Any suggestions?
For now I'll stay with MV and if you are wondering what the initials stand for, honestly I don't know. Miami Vice, Martha's Vineyard, Michelle something. I kind of like the Miami Vice, if Jamie Foxx or Colin Farrell were around.

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