Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Why Me?

I have been kidding myself. I’m not Superwoman. I thought I was but a few things of late have made me realize that I wasn’t being realistic. The stubborn, pig headed part of me believed that I was completely over the marriage ending. Don’t get me wrong I’m pretty damn sure I’m over JSR. It is not the man himself, which upsets me. It is his actions. And the effect they have had on me. (On a side note the radio is now playing that song that we danced down the aisle to. How is that for timing…) Have you ever watched a movie called P.S. I love you? Well I was warned that it would make me cry. Everybody cries in that movie. But I did not shed a tear. Only thing, which got to me, was the reminder that I was abandoned and alone. JSR abandoned me. Part of me starts to wonder why and then starts to feel that I am not worth loving. That I must be this pathetic loser which no man could like enough to want to be with me and only me. Lucky for me I have a more dominant side, which looks for the positives and gets me out of that funk pretty quickly. But it is also the part of me that is kidding myself into thinking all is fine with the world. Have I been turned into a cold-hearted bitch? Everyone cry’s in that movie. Even guys. And yet there was not a Kleenex in sight for me. Is that what he has done to me? Turned my heart into ice. I know he broke it but until now I had not realized that he might have put it in a coma. The question now is when, if ever, will it awake? What will it take? This weekend will be six months since my marriage ended. I am celebrating by doing a fantasy photo shoot. Two different looks. All done professionally. Something I would never normally do. I don’t take photos of myself. But I want to try anything and everything these days. My life is about new experiences, enjoying life and having fun now. You just never know where it will take you.
Christmas is fast approaching. I hope everyone is looking forward to celebrating the festive season with their friends and family.
Aussie Gal

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