Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Crying Game

How do you put a year's worth of incredible highs and brutal lows into one sentence? How do you explain the past when you don't even understand it?
I went back to the start last night. To the very first blog and read entry by entry up until mid June. There was a point during that month that I finally woke up and realized love doesn't bite. It rocks. You know you never loved someone when all you remember is the hatred and the loser stamp tattooed across his forehead. Once the coma is over and the sky is blue again you wake up not only refreshed, relaxed and thinner, but happier and excited for the next chapter to begin.
One click started this and another click created sublime happiness. Although at the time I wasn't aware why anything was happening. But, now it all makes perfect sense.
The last year has been the worst year of my life and the best. For me, life will never be the same and thank goodness for that. I have learned a lot about myself in the past months and happily surprised at just how far I've come in such a short period of time. I wasn't thinking clearly at first and I certainly wasn't thinking about the huge domino effect of one question left unanswered. But, here I am a year later and I'm once again free.
I was once told that the only way I would be able to rid myself of the demons of the past was to create my own ending to the cold case. At the time I thought the idea was rather pointless, given I don't know why. But, that's the point. I don't know, I never will know the truth and so I must take the facts I do know and revisit the scene of the crime until the day I solve the puzzle.
As the seasons have changed so have I and each day I push myself to keep moving forward, to keep following my heart until it leads me to sublime happiness. I finally found my calling and thanks to a giant push into the deep end I'm swimming without protection again.
I guard my heart more so now; examine my words and intent. Am I humble or proud or fearful? Am I leading others on to manipulate an outcome or am I being real, if not guarded? How can I learn from my own mistakes?
People will do, say or think whatever — I cannot control any of that; I can only control myself.

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