Thursday, October 21, 2010

Fight Club

I went to check my email this morning and one of the top stories was about Taylor Swift and her new album which true to form are songs about her personal life and heartbreak. It's funny how it's perfectly normal for a teenager to fall in love over and over again and then when the guy breaks her heart and she publicly bashes him all the adults think she is so brave and fearless yet when an adult does the same thing (minus a music label, tour, etc) she is told by anonymous and not so anonymous peers to "grow up" and "move on." When in fact the people who need to grow up and move on are the ones like Kanye West and MF and CF because they never have been able to truly apologize for their actions. I would like to think it's because they don't know better and think that what was done was acceptable and sitting up on their high horse they couldn't tell the difference between wrong and right.
After reading The Man's last post I started to once again go back and rethink why I was who I was when I was with M and why I felt a certain way about him back then and why I let him back into my life after what he did before. I wanted a better ending, a happier mature ending and instead I was left feeling stupid and humiliated. I will never know why he found me after three years or why I was the chosen one to meet the wife, but there is a significant reason why and maybe he didn't know why either and maybe he still doesn't know why. It was never love, puppy love perhaps but there was something that continued to intrigue him and me as well. A friend of mine said something interesting the other day, maybe he saw I had potential to be more successful than him and the fact that I didn't need rescuing and might overshadow him was a turnoff. How lucky that he found someone that did need a prince charming to rescue her. Mrs. JSR's words not mine. I always thought prince charming was like Santa Clause. At a certain age, usually before you turn ten you figure out both are stupid little lies. (single mom, divorced (didn't you say you were going to grow old with him too?), not to bright (then again neither is M so I guess they really do make a perfect couple.) What was the clever little line the wife said to me, "One person's piece of coal is another's treasure." Pretty sure that phrase is more appropriate when going shopping at the flea market, but anyhoo.) I am picky and organized and I'm proud of it. (Apparently being clean, organized and on time is a turnoff to some.) The Man added a comment onto this, "I like what your friend told you. Think of this too: you may have seen his potential as well.... and he was wasting it all away. This could upset someone like you or me. I am a very motivated person and seeing potential being wasted is a shame." Which, thinking back now is very true. A part of me knew better than to believe anything he said because he had never been able to follow thru with anything he said he was going to do. Reminds me of the song "Cooler online" by Brad Paisley. Excuse after excuse. Stupid me for putting stock in a losing gamble.
Came across a blog today,, which got me to thinking about the war of words back in June and the events prior to that incident. If you are reading this and thinking to yourself, when is she going to let it go and move on, you can piss off because obviously you don't get me at all. I agree I going on and on about a topic that for everyone else is dead, but for me it lives on forever. The answer to why has taken on a life of it's own. Why, is no longer simply a question of why couldn't you respond and give me peace of mind? Or why did you think an email explained everything when in fact it explained nothing? Or why find me? Why pretend to be a changed man and pretend to give a shit about me? Why? Why? Why? No, why is no longer about any of these unanswered questions. Why has become my reason to continue writing and continuing ranting. Simply because well I can and I'm not afraid and I won't run away when the big bad wolf tries to blow my house down.
The day I started writing publicly about M and company was the day I let him go. I also let go of the person I was and the person I was going to be in order to discover the person I was meant to be.
Like I said long ago, some things can never be forgotten and maybe they never should be.
I was starting to think up ideas for the Love Bites shirts. Thinking we definitely need to incorporate the words MF into them. Any ideas?

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