Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Spin The Bottle

How many couples who walk thru the threshold to sit on stiff chairs and discuss their marital problems with a therapist actually last? It would seem that couples counseling is a last resort attempt to fix a major problem. Once the vicious cycle of spin the bottle starts is it too little too late? Had we entered the doctor's office six months earlier as I had requested maybe it wouldn't have gotten to such desperate measures.
It was beyond repair and I was hoping John would finally see it too. There was nothing left, we had put each other thru the ringer. My feelings were confirmed during that first session. There would be one more attempt to piece back together the once loving relationship, but the more that was spoken the further we grew apart. Ultimately the decision was made for itself. It was all to clear there was nothing left, we had become strangers living two very different lives.
I wanted to explore the world and live a life without a chain around my neck. I had become a prisoner in my own home. Every action questioned, every keystroke watched by the hawk. The more he spoke about how happy he was the more anger and distant I became. How could he possibly think this was sublime happiness? It was so far from perfect let alone tolerable that I burst out laughing. Seriously I thought you have got to be out of your freaking mind to think this relationship is even close to ideal. If you saw that I wasn't happy for all those months why not say something? Because the silence leaves everything up to misinterpretation.
Procrastination only prolonged the painful goodbye by another day. You don't realize how much stuff is dividable until it must be sorted and boxed. I knew the long road ahead wouldn't be easy, but I also knew that everyday I was stuck in this life I was quickly losing myself.
I would get brief glimpses of the person I once was. But, she had been hanging in the closet for months now collecting dust. Spin the bottle use to be a fun game, but now it's a bitter circle of lies and heartache.

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