Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Eyes Wide Shut

"When people who don't know you hate you, that's when you know you are the BEST."

Mark has proved his commitment to me and just a couple weeks ago this was everything I had been waiting to hear, but now that I know how he feels it’s not enough. Sure I still think about him and we continue to maintain a long distance relationship, but in recent days I have found myself losing interest in the chase. He is not a part of my daily life and as hard as I try to make believe he will walk in the door or one day always be there I also can’t bank on this ever happening. I’ve been distancing myself and my feelings from what was and possibly will continue to be something great.
He had come into my life at a time when I was longing for a distraction, but now I want more. I had fallen hard, to quickly and gotten caught up in the flirty banter and dreamy promises. I would like to believe that there is something past the passionate words and lustful moments, but a part of me is still holding back and by doing so I am retreating further and further away.
I take a gamble in my fashion choice every time I walk out the door, but when it comes to gambling with my heart I’m a conservative with a history of poor decisions. Unfortunately I will forever consider all men to have the same characteristics as Andy and the rest of the JSR’s in the world. Repeatedly, Mark has tried to tell me and show me that he is not like the bad seeds I base my experiences with and as much as I would like to believe him I just can’t. This is my issue and it doesn’t matter what he does or says, but my list of douche bag moves that men have done will always be in the back of my mind.
Life is not a fairytale. I’m not a princess, you’re not my prince. And there are no fairy god mothers to make it come true. So, what does this mean for Mark and I? I know what he wants and not to long ago I would have jumped without a thought, but all I do now is over think every situation which might not be adventurous, but at this point I would prefer a drama less life and know exactly what is coming.
"In the end... you'll see who's fake, who's true and who would risk it all just for you."

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