Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Follow The Yellow Brick Road

Back to the changing room to confess more dirty little secrets. My thoughts tend to jump around from the past to the present. But, it is of course as a result of my adventures on the yellow brick road that got me here today.
I thought I had found "the one," but he turned out to be a huge mistake. I don't want to jump the shark here and say that McDreamy is "the one" because not only is it premature, but I've lost respect for the seemingly ridiculous concept.
I allowed myself to get swept into the Cinderella dream and in the end I walked away feeling more like Jennifer Aniston than Angelina Jolie. I don’t need or want a lavish wedding or safety net.
With each step forward, I feel the past clinging on and holding me back. There was a point not to long ago that I would freely jump into new relationships and not think about the possible doomed reality that was waiting just a few months down the road. But, thanks to Andy I now have reservations about jumping into a serious relationship with McDreamy. I can't bare the nightmarish ending to what is currently a blissful union. But, I would be naive not to think about the future and how after a while it would not be out of the norm for us to part ways. I've got cold feet and as each day goes by, the fear and betrayal of the past take over my thoughts and make it harder for me to freely jump. I know I will regret not trying, but then again maybe I will regret trying at all.
There will never be a magical sign that confirms what I need to hear. I don't even know what I need, if pushed I would say I want to hear a fairytale story. Even though I know all to well that ending isn't always a Cinderella dream. I had the lavish wedding, the perfect Ken doll and in the end it wasn't perfect or fabulous at all.
Perhaps one needs to experience the picture perfect life in order to see the unedited dysfunctional truth. Money can't buy you love, but to find love you must gamble with your heart which in the end will cost you some green.
If only I wasn't falling for someone who wants the fairytale, who believes in dreams and is mesmerized by the girl next door looks and sequined ruby red Mary Janes. At the end of this yellow brick road maybe there is a happy ending or just another lesson learned. Toto is leading the way and I’m running into the haunted forest to fetch.

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