Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Like A Ghost I'll Be Gone

Security controls the future. Maybe it wasn’t smart, maybe I should have sat him down and been up front as soon as my thoughts and feelings changed. I was chicken shit, still am, I never wanted to hurt anyone, but that is exactly what I did.
It wasn’t right and even though I was fully aware of this I continued creating a larger divide between the parties. I thought I knew what I wanted and as the days went by my heart kept pulling in my one direction, yet I couldn’t let go of what I would ultimately have to.
Life isn’t a script or revealed with the shake of a magic eight ball. When you get to the fork in the road, which trail do you take? There are no guarantees, there will never be one particular moment that stands out and makes me believe. I could be peer pressured and regret my choice in the future or I could wake up in six months or ten years and be so happy that I took a chance.
It would be foolish for me to think all will be well, that there will never be problems but if the daily existence is enjoyable than I can handle a few bumps in the road. It doesn’t matter how much I want this or that, where my life goes now is no longer in my control. I continue to tip toe around the central question and laugh it off when I don’t get the answer I want to hear or any response.
It was not as spontaneous or playful as it had been. I hadn’t given up yet, but it certainly wasn’t the same. Had the candle melted already or were we exposing a deeper side?
I wished it would work out in the end, but was it possible? I desperately wanted to know how he felt, what he wanted, if we were on the same page still. Had he given up on me? Spun my words as others have into a tale that was far from kind. It didn’t matter what I said or did to show him my feelings hadn’t changed and if anything had grown stronger. Had I been fooling myself naively hoping that it could work?

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