Sunday, September 26, 2010

Musical Chairs

I fell out of love quickly and I questioned if I ever really had been and if I would stumble upon it again. Was it to late? Had my heart been stolen by another and lost forever? I had been the one begging him to stay, but he left anyways and told me to move on, to find someone new and so I did, but what he never told me was one day he would be back begging me for another chance.
I feared I wouldn't be able to move on without him but just a few weeks later I couldn't remember what life had been like before. I was happy again and relaxed. I had taken my pain and transformed everything within the four walls into a new beginning filled with endless possibilities. When he returned I saw the fear in his eyes. He didn't think I had it in me to take a leap without him and embrace change. Maybe he too knew then that we didn't have a fighting chance for a rematch.
It took me eight months to let go of someone who betrayed my trust and threw me out with the trash and only two days to let go of someone who had been by my side for the better part of a decade and was the sweetest and most humble man. He said it would change; that he would try harder, that he accepted blame for the fallout and would be a better man and lover, but within hours I realized it could never be as great as it once had been.
There is always a winner and a loser. In the fight for the exclusive rights of my undivided attention the new crush was winning. There will always be a place in my heart for John, but now I know without a doubt that what I want isn't possible tied down to a losing gamble.
I may have moved on from the pain his words caused and apologized for my errors in judgement, but I can never forget how angry and frustrated I was then and still am defending what I believe in and what I love. At the core of love there must be respect and understanding. When the music stops who will be left standing?

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