Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Sweet Bitter Love

Love is the sweetest and bitterest lie invented. For the majority of my adult years I have always had someone by my side. At one point I was lucky enough to have a bounty of suitors on speed dial. Knowing I was loved was all the warm fuzzes I needed and even if I went to bed alone I didn't feel alone in the world. The days of multiples are over, the options are slimmer and the solitary alternative while deafening at times seems more appealing as the days go by.
Adjusting to the new norm was terrifying at first and at times still is. The pressure is heightening, as the decision is a life changing one. I worry that I will make the wrong choice and forever wonder what if?
I still expect him to walk thru the door, to be upstairs making dinner or blasting heavy metal as he lifts weights. Time passes slower now, the writing has subsided and the reality is creeping in. There are pros to being on your own again and I relish in the personal time, quiet nights and freedom to come and go as I please without the riot act. I bounced back quicker than I expected, but I'm not fully recovered and may never be. He wants to get back together now, but I worry that the past mistakes and communication problems will return and I can't bare to watch him leave again, but by not even trying I worry that I am giving up on us without a fight. On the other hand it's not fair to either party to hold out false hope. Time and space maybe the wisest decision for now.
There are quirks about each that I admire and love. The thing is while I have always wanted a sensible, responsible and well-rounded partner I have found that months later what I initially thought was an ideal catch would later bother and bore me. On the other hand the daredevil men who constantly entertain me with their jokes and off the wall perspective on life will never be suitable to raise a family with.
Even in the midst of the shit storm he comforted and left me with lasting words of wisdom, "I would get up tomorrow morning and hit the ground running. Put your head down and bust your ass. Use what you already have to keep growing. If you withdraw everything we have been working for all these years will vanish." I had needed the motivation to get out of my funk and once he was physically gone I threw myself back into the business. The calls are fewer as the days pass and I know that it is only a matter of time before he is gone forever. Life will go on and even if we never meet again I will forever love him.

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