Monday, September 20, 2010


"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." -St. Augustine

The passing of time doesn't change what was said or done, but the eternity of open roads makes moving on without seem both probable and impossible. The lines have blurred and the images fade, but the last words spoken in a fit of angry stay with me and act as an invisible fence around my heart. I sense this is a major moment in my life, one that I will not only remember forever but also look back on many years from now with either regret or sublime happiness.
I find myself questioning everything I think I know. Redesigning what is within reach and procrastinating answering the tough questions. Visions and rules alter as the discussion continues. Parting ways was painful but necessary, my heart no longer can be broken and I fear that I can no longer love again.
It is far easier to return to what you know than gamble on a long shot. It is inevitable that during the course of one's life temptation and fantasy will seduce the daydreamer. What once was nothing more than a wild imagination is conceivable. Work may never end the curse, but fear of what could be or should be will put more doubt than hope in the success.
I suppose I should take his words at face value, but given the past I can't forget the broken record of promises never fulfilled. It would be easier if I knew the ending. Instead I follow my heart, which currently is torn. The hourglass is running out and I have been presented with two different opportunities each with its pros and cons. A life of exotic trips, cheesy romance, passion, lust and endless adventures or a simpler quiet existence with home cooked dinners, spooning, old fashioned loving and an eternity of sweet and humbling grand gestures. I ponder what the future might look like in both and also knowing that it's very possible neither will last forever.

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