Sunday, November 14, 2010

For Better or Worse or So I Thought

For better or worse. I thought this meant that if you loved a person you would never leave them and if life hit a rough patch you would be there to work through it. But, you aren't here anymore. You are long gone, planning a new life with your soon to be next great love. It's all crystal clear. I was a fool to believe that maybe this one time I would get my wish.
As yet another year comes to an end and the visions of sugarplums and fairy godmothers once again dangle their happy dreams around the Christmas tree I find myself not much better off than I was last year.
A lot has changed and yet so much has not. Even after the little white lie about Santa was revealed I still wanted to believe that this jolly old, fat man and his reindeers were on the roof on Christmas Eve and that he enjoyed the sugar cookies and milk I left on the coffee table along with a cute drawing and note before he flew over to my neighbor's house.
I don't bother with the holiday cheer or festive decor anymore. More depressing really looking at a tree with no gifts. A tree that reminds you of happier times, of children and Kay Jeweler commercials you thought you would be experiencing by now.
Instead I find myself single once after. I should have known better, but I really wanted to believe. It must get better. What if there is no light at the end of the tunnel? If the tunnel is a dead end road with no breakdown lane.
I say I don't fear being alone, but it's not true. I want someone who is happy to see me. Someone who will jump hoops to be by my side. Someone who won't run away when life gets tough.
Is this too much to ask for?

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