Saturday, September 4, 2010

Rock Bottom

"The way to realize how much that you love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
Gilbert Keith Chesterton

I cried uncontrollably for two days, didn't eat or drink for three, slept for eighteen hours straight and when I finally woke nothing had changed and yet everything was out of place.
The chorus from the Beyonce song, Put a Ring On It played on repeat, "Like a ghost I'll be gone." Moving on means letting go of the past, but how could I when everywhere I looked was a permanent reminder of a love story? What if he hadn't walked would our relationship have started over again and eventually been repaired or would the ending have been the same? Was this a Notebook love to tell my future children about?
The routine that I once thought was boring and mundane when stripped away left me off balance. It was the little things that I took for granted that suddenly were prominently absent. What I thought I so desperately wanted wasn't nearly as rewarding after I made a deal with the devil. The daily grind slowly returned to normal, but in its wake life will never be the same. Freedom in the end is meaningless when there is no one to share it with. Yet without it I felt I was chained in a prison cell, but the truth was I had always been free.
At the end of the day now I am alone in a big empty house. My cats keep me company but the silence is painful at times. Winter will be here before I know it and I must be strong there are others depending on me.

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