Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Puzzling Life

By now you all are familiar with the man I so lovingly refer to these days as Jackass Sewer Rat (JSR). I met him when I was in my freshman year of college, which was ten years ago. Up until last year he had always been a presence in my life, although for the most part our relationship was long distance. We never had a proper label; I suppose some people might consider our relationship more a friends with benefits. But, the line between friend and girlfriend was crossed too many times for it to simply be a booty call. I suppose I thought of him more as a boyfriend, even though I didn't really consider myself his girlfriend. Given this miscommunication, label less status and the fact we lived in different states what we really were was somewhere in the gray zone and that neither of us questioned.
After I graduated from college I took a job in Boston. It was there that I met my future ex-husband, John. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I was definitely smitten with him. He was thirteen years my senior, but didn't look a day over thirty. Slim, tall, muscular, shaved head and completely insane. Major attention deficit disorder and I fell in love with his spontaneous personality and zest for life.
Perhaps a part of me knew back then that we weren't meant for happily ever after. While we were dating I was still talking to JSR, but it wasn't until the day I mentioned that I was meeting John's parents that JSR showed signs of jealous. I've never known what JSR's feelings were for me. Perhaps the inability to express emotions spoke volumes. Perhaps I never meant anything to him and perhaps the person I thought I knew never really existed. Or maybe I'm the only person to have witnessed his bi polar personalities.
We stayed in touch even after I got engaged. But, our friendship faded awhile back and we lost touch. But, I knew I could always find him if I needed someone to talk to. We briefly reconnected a few years back, but it was short lived. Who we once were and who we had become were two very different people. It was never discussed then, but I think we both knew the best was behind us. That was until the day last April that he found me again. I knew he was married now with kids and even though I too was married a part of me felt betrayed. He had always been so vocal about not wanting any strings and now he had an excess amount of baggage.
Funny thing was even though we hadn't talked in years our conversations almost effortlessly returned to normal. As if we were back in the college dorm room and while our chats now revolved around the kids, politics and work I once again longed for our nightly chats.
But, there was a small part of me that questioned his motives. Why would someone out of the blue reconnect with a former lover especially when they supposedly met their match? But, I knew that if I didn't let him back into my life I would forever wonder why? I knew that it would never be what it once was, but I preferred any form of communication then none at all.
Had I known what would happen next I'm not sure I would have changed a thing. In many ways I want to thank him, because now I truly see him for who is really is and I now know that I will never ever allow such a douche bag back into my life.

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