Saturday, April 10, 2010

Sliding Doors & Second Chances

I would have been the first in my circle of friends to get married. I was engaged when I was twenty-two and then again when I was twenty-four, to the same man. The first time round we had a date set, I bought a dress and shortly after sending out the save the date cards I cancelled the wedding. There were so many things wrong with that relationship, yet the idea of a picture perfect life and how suddenly everyone around you is your best friend is surreal and flattering. But, it wasn't me and I knew it. When we were looking at rehearsal dinner locations, I remember the coordinator saying, "This is a day you must have been dreaming about since you were a little girl." To wish I replied with my poker face, "Why yes it is. I'm so excited." When in fact I had actually never thought my wedding day. I forced myself to look thru bridal magazines, try on dozens of dresses and yet I couldn't get into the spirit. I should mention that when I was growing up I never, I repeat never had a Barbie doll. I preferred Hot Rods, GI Joes and Transformers. I also hate the color pink.
The dress is still hanging in my closet and I still love it, but it's cursed in a way. Yet I will never sell it. I joke that I should trim the bottom and wear it as a cocktail dress. It is a simple, classic yet sexy dress. V-neck, form fitted silk with vintage lace detail on the chest and straps with an open back.
We broke up shortly after I cancelled the wedding and then randomly saw each other on the street a year later and thought we should give it another shot. A year later we broke up again. Second chances aren't always a good idea. There is a reason why they are an ex.
By my mid twenties it seemed like every weekend I was going to a wedding. Unlike most women thou, I wasn't chasing the bouquet or wondering when it would be my turn to walk down the aisle. I had perfected the poker face and learned that in order to fit in with the other women, I needed to be polite, giddy, social and often wear the color pink. I would say that ninety five percent of those weddings have since ended in divorce. It was a nice shot at the dream. That is if that's your goal in life and for some it is and sometimes I wish it was my objective because at least then maybe I could have remained friends with some of my married male friends. You basically are signing a lease on this person and assuming all goes well you just found yourself someone to grow old with and raise children with and as a bonus you have a larger income. But, just like animals in the wild, you become incredibly protective over your investment and anyone who is single and friends with your spouse is a liability. How sad to think that as a grown adult we are just as jealous and insecure as we were when we were in middle school.
If we live our lives in hopes of living the dream, why do we so often give up the dream and settle for our current reality. Do we fear the unknown? Should we give up our rock star dreams and accept the comfort of knowing what's next or should we embrace each day as a blank canvas?


  1. I feel as in order for anyone to start a blank canvas we need to be able to throw away the old drawings. If not, we'll always start a new canvas with ink that bleed through from the last drawing. I know what it feels like to have an unexplained ending. And honestly, when you finally get an explanation it's a load of garbage. This journey that you're going through won't be easy and won't be cheap (shopping and drinking adds up, lol), but at least now when you look in the mirror you'll be able to recognize who you are.

    Happy writing SP

  2. I slightly disagree with Lizette. I do believe that you need to start fresh, but if you start completely fresh you run the risk of forgetting the mistakes of the prior relationship. I am starting to believe that you need to have a big breakup/get your heart broken sometime in your life to learn from. I would be curious to hear from your circle of friends why their marriages ended in divorce.

  3. I agree with both of you. I do believe that one learns from their past mistakes and when moving forward in life you try and remember not to do those same things. Lizette, You are right, I doubt any answer at this point will give me peace of mind. Especially given what I know now about him I wouldn't believe a single word anyways. Shopping and drinking do add up, but it was money well spent at the time. For the most part many of my friends who are now divorced did what I almost did. They ran into marriage,accepted the first proposal and thought that their lives would then be like a JCREW catalog. But the person you are at 22 for the most part is not the same person you are 28 or 32 or 35. So overtime the relationships dissolved. I will point out that I know a handful of couples that are still married and I knew they would be. They didn't rush into marriage, for the most part they were together for at least six years before they even thought about a wedding. But like I said they are the exception.Thanks for the comments. I truly appreciate it.


Think before you post a comment. With that in mind, we love comments, even the rude ones and remember whatever you write on here will live on forever.