Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Thrill of the Masochist

There is an intrigue to rooting for the underdog and while over time surroundings change, statuses get updated who we are never changes. Yet we still fall harder for the bad guy than the average Joe. Perhaps this is all a result of growing up and wanting what we couldn't have. When we see a person with a fancier car or a designer handbag, we want these material objects as they are considered symbols of success. Yet once we obtain the object of our desire our interest fades. But, we continue to chase the rush, the bad guy, perhaps because we thrive off the drama or the pain of wanting something or someone so unobtainable.
I wonder now if I ever was in love with JSR or was I in love with the mystery, the seductiveness of our relationship. In many ways, I was naive to think we ever were something. Which I realize may seem odd given how long we were together. I should however point out that our relationship had never been by the books. I never asked for a label to define us, as I didn't think I needed one to justify our relationship. Yet I did assume certain things about us, about him.
In hindsight, thou there had been red flags. Yet at the time I was to involved in the present to think about the future. Knowing now how we would end still haunts me and while I will always wonder what happened I am not jealous of his new life. It never was a life I wanted or one that I thought he wanted either. But, what I have not been able to fully get past is the brutally cold and cowardly way he chose to end us. It's a chilly thought to think that the man you thought you knew so well, whom you basically grew up with could with no emotion and the simple click of a button cut a person out of their live forever. I suppose the person I knew, the person I had come to regard as my best friend, in reality never existed. He died that day, as did a part of me.
MV aka Michelle