Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Waiting To Exhale

"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I've accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."
I'm in a very dark place these days. I'm a broken record I know and I don't have any funny dating stories either. Geezs I suck. One must confront their fears in order to move on. But, getting to my happy place, so to speak, is way harder then I expected. I've become increasingly short with people and always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm stressed over little things and have become quick tempered.
Whether this is a result of me talking about the past, I'm not completely sure. I'm in a city where I know a handful of people, but then again I'm rarely ever here. The people I work with for the most part are what I would call phonies and while I enjoy the club scene, I'm not twenty one anymore and as much as I would like to be I'm not a size zero either.
I'll go out occasionally for a drink by myself, but I'm not looking for company and definitely not with the divorced over weight business men (sorry guys) or the young executive who maybe handsome and while I truly appreciate you buying me a drink or two and flashing your expensive watch I'm not impressed and it isn’t going to get you laid. Sorry. I'm not that type of girl. I checked one night stands off my bucket list many years ago.
There is a silver lining to this rant and I couldn't tell you when exactly it happened or even why, but the more I bitch about men or more particularly the Big Bad Wolf, the more I realize what a douche bag he is and while I would like to one day confront him I no longer fear the awkwardness, but rather am excited for that day to happen. Over the last few weeks I have come to realize that I'm the winner and it doesn't matter if there isn't a trophy. While I never expected to have a blog or be living where I am, in an odd twist of fate I have the Big Bad Wolf to thank for my life now. Whether our paths will ever cross again is questionable, but I have a feeling he won't forget me even if he tries really hard. I truly believe that karma comes around and if you've done wrong you will either be given a change to make good on a past mistake or you will forever be haunted by your wrongs.
In a scene similar to that from Waiting to Exhale (minus lighting a car on fire) I finally got the strength to throw out all the remains of our existence. The keepsakes like the lingerie, jewelry, business cards, little notes, everything was destroyed in the course of minutes and even though I doubt he will be trying to email me in the near future I have now blocked his email accounts in case and created a new email account as well.
Maybe I needed to hit emotional rock bottom to finally realize I had been wasting all this time thinking about a man who I don't want, which I never really wanted but for some reason I become so transfixed with who he was and what he wanted to be that I lost myself along the way.
"Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right." - Jerry Garcia.
Dating adventures tomorrow or later tonight. I've met a few interesting men recently and as much as I was hoping the bartender would turn into something I don't think it will. Maybe he was my Yankee and if so at least I didn't make a total fool of myself. It's a shame though I really liked the drinks at that bar. Another lesson learned, don't date someone who works somewhere you would like to go back to.
And the hunt for prince charming continues. This could take a while.

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