Sunday, April 18, 2010


Sometimes the smallest choices in life turn out to be the defining moments in our lives. How an innocent chat with a mysterious stranger late one night would forever change my life to this day fascinates me. If it weren't for a random twist of fate we never would have met. It was far from a traditional courtship. We were insomniac acquaintances who over the course of a year became great friends. I can't remember how it came about that our friendship eventually evolved into an intimate relationship. But, over the course of the next six years we developed a relationship. In many ways he was the male version of me and I enjoyed our nightly chats. Overtime I became accustomed to our nightly chats and morning wake up calls. Perhaps it never was anything more than puppy lust, but I would like to think there was a bigger reason why our paths were meant to cross in the first place. Maybe me writing about him, about us, was ultimately the end result of a puzzling friendship. The pain will never go away. But, in time our past will become nothing more than a figment of my imagination. (At least I hope so)
There will always be certain people in our lives who regardless of our new surroundings or relationships will make us feel like the insecure teenagers we once were. Seeing him again brought me back to my youth. To a time when life was simpler and there were far less responsibilities.
I never expected to fall in love with him. Nor did I ever expect to be betrayed by him. But, nothing in life is guaranteed. We had ended many years before, but it had never been final. In many ways we were better as friends then lovers. I wonder if we had never had sex would he have written me out of his life. But, I suppose I was naive to think that his wife would be comfortable with us remaining friends. Perhaps it's fitting that we ended the same way we began.
That day and the months leading up to then will forever be tattooed in my mind. What hurt me more than anything was the way he chose to end our friendship. It was a cowardly and cold ending to a friendship that was once so happy.
It took a few days for the shock of his letter to completely hit me. I was calm at first and then over the next few weeks my feelings turned to pain and sadness. I doubt I will ever be able to forget that day or the months that followed. I hate him now. I hate myself for being scammed by him. I am not a teenager anymore so how did I get sucked into his mind games again?

The letter:

"I'm sorry I had to drop my conversation last night but I found myself in a situation that was less than pleasant. (The conversation was: Hi How are you? Good, you. It was nice to see you (the wife was there too) Thanks you too. Bye) I am now stuck with the fact that my wife and I are not on good terms. I don't think this is your fault, but rather mine. I have tried to maintain a friendship and it is hurting my family experience.
This isn't easy, but I am going to ask that you to understand that I must follow my family as priority. This means I must make my wife feel at ease and let go of all of our contact. This is not by her request, but rather mine, as I want to make her feel at ease again. I ask for the sake of harmony that this be our last communication. I will be removing all contact info and I ask that you do the same. I know you will under
stand and thank you. I'm sorry this is what life is. May your family be both blessed and safe. "
Jackass Sewer Rat (my editing)

The scary part is I have memorized this letter and even now it still pisses me off. Back-story to this letter is blog post "Ghosts from the Past." I received this letter a few days after meeting him, his wife and the new baby. A meeting that he arranged and at the time I was married too. I emailed him a few times after receiving the letter asking what happened and for closure, but I never received a response and was shortly thereafter defriended on facebook too. How rude!
I don't think it's too much to ask for a proper answer. It's beyond rude and so cowardly to cut someone out of your life when they didn't even do anything. I've known you longer than you've known your wife and with the click of a button I'm disposable. I would post what I wrote to him, but it's not pretty and most of it I regret saying.
I will say I feel a bit better putting this out there.

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