Sometimes the only way to make peace with our past is to be the bigger person and admit to our own faults and accept that a poor choice of words and a thoughtless act can have a profound effect on events to follow.
Some people try very hard to avoid conflict and drama while others seemingly go out of their way to provoke unnecessary fights. Finally after you have pushed away any caring person it finally hits you. It wasn't that you picked the bad apple of the lot it's that you couldn't accept anyone at face value. So you kept pushing and drilling for an answer to a question that had been answered long before the second date. But, it wasn't good enough. Nothing is ever good enough until it's long gone and you realize what you threw away.
So you close yet another chapter with the same sad, confused and frustrated feeling and again you promise yourself that you will not repeat the same offense in the future. You cross your fingers, hit send and walk away bittersweet. Knowing you most likely will never speak again and that the memories you do have will remain in your heart and hopefully be a stepping-stone for those to follow.
Kate
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Flying Hearts
If you knew the ending to the story would you still pick the same door?
It use to be simple. Boy meets girl, they date, fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old, the end. But, how do you know you've found that needle in a haystack? The one and only person in the entire universe that completely you and many years from now will still adore you. Relationships and the almighty search for the illusive soul mate make the idea of love and all it stands for more like a game of Russian roulette. Unknowingly we sometimes find ourselves playing games with the people we love because we want to be sure their feelings are genuine. Yet in the process we end up pushing them further and further away.
The silence can drive you mad. You replay the events and conversations and wonder where did it go so horribly wrong. If this isn't the first time you were left without an explanation you may begin to question if you are simply picking the bad seeds or perhaps the problem is you and your stubborn personality.
Until you understand what happened along the way to happily ever after you will remain in a circle of bad choices and turbulent relationships.
I do not want to continue having a conversation with myself. Although it seems to be what I do best. It's become all too apparent in recent weeks that things can't continue as they have been. That changes must be made immediately if there is hope for a future.
Kate
It use to be simple. Boy meets girl, they date, fall in love, get married, have kids, grow old, the end. But, how do you know you've found that needle in a haystack? The one and only person in the entire universe that completely you and many years from now will still adore you. Relationships and the almighty search for the illusive soul mate make the idea of love and all it stands for more like a game of Russian roulette. Unknowingly we sometimes find ourselves playing games with the people we love because we want to be sure their feelings are genuine. Yet in the process we end up pushing them further and further away.
The silence can drive you mad. You replay the events and conversations and wonder where did it go so horribly wrong. If this isn't the first time you were left without an explanation you may begin to question if you are simply picking the bad seeds or perhaps the problem is you and your stubborn personality.
Until you understand what happened along the way to happily ever after you will remain in a circle of bad choices and turbulent relationships.
I do not want to continue having a conversation with myself. Although it seems to be what I do best. It's become all too apparent in recent weeks that things can't continue as they have been. That changes must be made immediately if there is hope for a future.
Kate
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Confusion of Internet Dating
The confusion of Internet dating is killing me, but I think I have figured out a few facts. Most Internet profiles make what you are looking for seem objective (based on data in the profile) when actual connection is made, it becomes extremely subjective. It's this illusion of objectivity that doom us. When online these people are just what we're looking for,and our same interests. The issue is that due to the security and getting to know someone factor, we talk way too much before meeting. For most it's so much prior information that there's little room for discovery. And once you see a flaw in the other person, the fantasy is ruined.So instead of giving the person a chance, you go home and log on to the computer to find someone else who looks good on paper. It's just too easy! go home, click a button, write an email, and it's either a date, or not. It's not just too much information that makes online dating confusing- it's too many choices. As soon as you send an e-mail to a potential mate, the 'mail sent' confirmation screen automatically flashes the message "Take a look at other members with profiles like [the person you just e-mailed]" - then show you several more people who might interest you. Before the first person even receives your e-mail, you're given new choices to consider" . Then there are "The jugglers" (those who were managing 15 or more communications at once) were writing very bad-quality e-mails to each other. If you had to write 20 e-mails, how good could they be?. When these people over-juggle, they don't have the attention to give to the one person who would really work best for them.But because they don't know who that one person is, they keep juggling and end up with nobody.
What ever happened to just getting to know someone? Everything these days has to be the easy way! But lets be honest,with online dating, one isn't contacted or responded to unless the other person looks at your picture and thinks, "Yeah, I'd go there." So, it starts with lust, and if we're lucky, ends in romance. Who are we kidding, we are looking at their best photos, at the best angles, and imagining how they are speaking to us as we read their emails. We have already perceived their body language, their tone, and their expressions. Internet dating is not for the close-minded, everyone has their "types" but can you actually tell if this is your "soul mate" from a few messages and a couple brief phone conversations? Doubtful.... but we sure do get our hopes up.
The Man
What ever happened to just getting to know someone? Everything these days has to be the easy way! But lets be honest,with online dating, one isn't contacted or responded to unless the other person looks at your picture and thinks, "Yeah, I'd go there." So, it starts with lust, and if we're lucky, ends in romance. Who are we kidding, we are looking at their best photos, at the best angles, and imagining how they are speaking to us as we read their emails. We have already perceived their body language, their tone, and their expressions. Internet dating is not for the close-minded, everyone has their "types" but can you actually tell if this is your "soul mate" from a few messages and a couple brief phone conversations? Doubtful.... but we sure do get our hopes up.
The Man
Sunday, March 6, 2011
One Way Ticket
After the dust settles everything will be different. You will try and negotiate with yourself the many ways the new situation can work in a happy and healthy manner, but it's impossible. Conversations become fewer as the days go by and the love once so openly felt seems to have never existed at all. The more you contemplate the discussions and the people you surround yourself with you suddenly get the sinking feeling it was all a lie.
Erased from the reality and mocked at for having an opinion not in line with the majority. At the end of this closed gravel road there is a cliff with a drop into what appears to be the Grand Canyon. For a moment or two you seriously consider jumping over to quickly end the pain. There is also a slightly less permanent and painful option. A one way ticket out of the madness. There maybe happiness in the future and there may never be moments of joy again, but if you don't go now you will always be left wondering.
So you start to plot an exit plan. You auction off your once priced possessions. You box up the rest of your life and realize it fits quite comfortably into a storage unit. You walk away crossing your fingers and praying to a God you never believed in before that there will be a reward for all you have sacrificed.
Paradise is an illusion. True paradise can not be found with a plane ticket or a great love. The idea of paradise will keep you alive until the day it no longer exists.
Summer
Erased from the reality and mocked at for having an opinion not in line with the majority. At the end of this closed gravel road there is a cliff with a drop into what appears to be the Grand Canyon. For a moment or two you seriously consider jumping over to quickly end the pain. There is also a slightly less permanent and painful option. A one way ticket out of the madness. There maybe happiness in the future and there may never be moments of joy again, but if you don't go now you will always be left wondering.
So you start to plot an exit plan. You auction off your once priced possessions. You box up the rest of your life and realize it fits quite comfortably into a storage unit. You walk away crossing your fingers and praying to a God you never believed in before that there will be a reward for all you have sacrificed.
Paradise is an illusion. True paradise can not be found with a plane ticket or a great love. The idea of paradise will keep you alive until the day it no longer exists.
Summer
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Sadomasochism
Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't. We spend months, or even years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past or present. We may have spent time trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.... So we let go.... that doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means we feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We deal with our own feelings and need to walk away. We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.... We enter into a new relationship on new terms...taking our needs into account.... We stop letting what we are not getting from the other person control us. We then take responsibility for our life. Sometimes we get angry and feel hurt but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free of bondage...This is the heart of detaching in love....
After our first love, or deep caring relationship, we are transformed into the people we are now. We remember the pain, and at times hold our hearts in guarded boxes. Is this fair? Are they doing the same? One never knows. We again let those walls down and let someone enter ourselves only to be let down again. Why this circle of madness? We all want that feeling of security, the pleasures of someone to love and whom loves us, but why all the games? I wish I could go back to the innocence of "you like me, I like you", lets have fun and if something comes out of it, GREAT! Instead I find myself looking for a future with someone. This has brought me to a place where I feel as if I'm running out of time. Has my hourglass overturned already and my hopes of finding my mate diminished? It seems I go though the qualifications more and more and not willing to just settle with what works. I deserve better, I tell myself, but at times I feel I may just continue this path alone.
The Man
After our first love, or deep caring relationship, we are transformed into the people we are now. We remember the pain, and at times hold our hearts in guarded boxes. Is this fair? Are they doing the same? One never knows. We again let those walls down and let someone enter ourselves only to be let down again. Why this circle of madness? We all want that feeling of security, the pleasures of someone to love and whom loves us, but why all the games? I wish I could go back to the innocence of "you like me, I like you", lets have fun and if something comes out of it, GREAT! Instead I find myself looking for a future with someone. This has brought me to a place where I feel as if I'm running out of time. Has my hourglass overturned already and my hopes of finding my mate diminished? It seems I go though the qualifications more and more and not willing to just settle with what works. I deserve better, I tell myself, but at times I feel I may just continue this path alone.
The Man
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friends with Bennies
Are relationships worth it? You open up your heart, your feelings, and hopes and dreams for a happily ever after. The truth of the matter is that we have all been hurt before and swore to never feel like that again. What's the harm in going into a non-committed relationship? The most apparent positive point about being "friend with benefits" is the availability of easy sex, without all the pressures and limitations of a relationship. The beauty of this situation is its clarity -- if both sides are honest going into this, then both will know that it's solely about sex. She can never accuse you of using her, or vice-versa, because you've both acknowledged from the start that you're, in fact, using each other. Using each other in a good way, however, because removing all the emotional baggage from sex makes it much simpler and potentially more enjoyable. There are some rules and it's definitely not for everyone, but given the right person, it can be just what you need.
Be clear about what you want. To make your friends with benefits experience a good one, know what you expect from the relationship. Take the time to really think about it. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. Having a basic understanding of your needs and being able to articulate those needs could help you save lot of drama in the end.
Choose your partner wisely. This is by far the trickiest and most important step. Being friends with benefits requires a delicate balance. Your partner should be someone who you enjoy spending time with and someone looking for the same things as you in a friend with benefits relationship. Set the rules. Every friend with benefits relationship needs a clear set of boundaries. Sit down with your partner and decide what those rules will be. And the most important aspect of this type of relationship is Get out before it gets too heavy. Friends with benefits relationships have a short shelf life. They tend to morph into something deeper for one or both partners. If your casual relationship starts to change, end it unless you are happy with the changes, Many women/men think they are strong enough to handle this type of relationship, but the truth of the matter is, not to many can do it without some sort of feelings. Nonetheless, if you want to give this a shot, remember the importance of honesty from the get-go. If one of you is going into this secretly hoping for more, then the problem of dishonesty arises, and that person is probably in for a nasty disappointment when it doesn't play out that way. And trust me, nine times out of 10, it never develops into anything more. It's much more likely that just the opposite will happen. You tend to slowly drift out of each other's lives over time, or if they start seeing someone else seriously.
I can't begin to tell you haw many of these have held me over until I found someone I really wanted to date. All of them knew what they were getting into from the start, but feelings eventually developed and their time was no longer necessary. Some may say I'm a dick, but hey, she knew what it was, and more than willing to do it. It wasn't my fault 90% wanted a form a relationship through it! There is a huge difference between men and women. I’ve said it a million times, but women are more mental thinkers when it comes to sex, men can do the act, and not look back. Look at it this way: 50% will have a one-night stand and never call again. What if that one night stand was so good that you wanted another, and another, without the emotional bullshit that comes with it? In any situation the one who cares less, wins!
The Man
Be clear about what you want. To make your friends with benefits experience a good one, know what you expect from the relationship. Take the time to really think about it. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. Having a basic understanding of your needs and being able to articulate those needs could help you save lot of drama in the end.
Choose your partner wisely. This is by far the trickiest and most important step. Being friends with benefits requires a delicate balance. Your partner should be someone who you enjoy spending time with and someone looking for the same things as you in a friend with benefits relationship. Set the rules. Every friend with benefits relationship needs a clear set of boundaries. Sit down with your partner and decide what those rules will be. And the most important aspect of this type of relationship is Get out before it gets too heavy. Friends with benefits relationships have a short shelf life. They tend to morph into something deeper for one or both partners. If your casual relationship starts to change, end it unless you are happy with the changes, Many women/men think they are strong enough to handle this type of relationship, but the truth of the matter is, not to many can do it without some sort of feelings. Nonetheless, if you want to give this a shot, remember the importance of honesty from the get-go. If one of you is going into this secretly hoping for more, then the problem of dishonesty arises, and that person is probably in for a nasty disappointment when it doesn't play out that way. And trust me, nine times out of 10, it never develops into anything more. It's much more likely that just the opposite will happen. You tend to slowly drift out of each other's lives over time, or if they start seeing someone else seriously.
I can't begin to tell you haw many of these have held me over until I found someone I really wanted to date. All of them knew what they were getting into from the start, but feelings eventually developed and their time was no longer necessary. Some may say I'm a dick, but hey, she knew what it was, and more than willing to do it. It wasn't my fault 90% wanted a form a relationship through it! There is a huge difference between men and women. I’ve said it a million times, but women are more mental thinkers when it comes to sex, men can do the act, and not look back. Look at it this way: 50% will have a one-night stand and never call again. What if that one night stand was so good that you wanted another, and another, without the emotional bullshit that comes with it? In any situation the one who cares less, wins!
The Man
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Finder's Keepers
So is the rule of thumb when talking to men basically that if they don't respond to your emails for at least a week and you know they aren't died or on a remote island and that funny enough they were just online that it's their way of saying "I'm just not that into you anymore"?
Don't you guys realize that silence only makes things worse and that it makes us keep bothering you for an answer? Have the balls to say something, anything.
For the last few nights I have been asking The Man for his words of wisdom on this subject. As I fear I am walking a thin line between being calm and composed and coming off as a raging, desperate nut. Words of wisdom from The Man:
"Some women push and push when all they really need to do is take a step back. I dated many who I told "Give me a few to calm down, I don't want to say something while upset" and what happens??? Push, push and BYE BYE BITCH!! All it would have taken for me was five minutes to calm down, but their personality was the type to never back down. They needed answers and they needed them now. That type of person will go nowhere with me. I am the type to even smile when they yell and that pisses them off even more. I do the silent treatment really well too. Many of us guys know what bothers you the most and when angry will do that. I don't like to be pushed into a corner for any reason, and perhaps that's what he felt. He may have known that you wouldn't have understood and in time it would have been different..IDK? everyone has their own ways of dealing with conflict."
Maybe The Man is right, but I refuse to sit around, eating bonbons waiting for the phone to ring. Having a friendship is fine, but it's not on the top of my priority list. Having a relationship seems more like a joke and urban myth at this point regardless of where in the world people are.
Kate
Don't you guys realize that silence only makes things worse and that it makes us keep bothering you for an answer? Have the balls to say something, anything.
For the last few nights I have been asking The Man for his words of wisdom on this subject. As I fear I am walking a thin line between being calm and composed and coming off as a raging, desperate nut. Words of wisdom from The Man:
"Some women push and push when all they really need to do is take a step back. I dated many who I told "Give me a few to calm down, I don't want to say something while upset" and what happens??? Push, push and BYE BYE BITCH!! All it would have taken for me was five minutes to calm down, but their personality was the type to never back down. They needed answers and they needed them now. That type of person will go nowhere with me. I am the type to even smile when they yell and that pisses them off even more. I do the silent treatment really well too. Many of us guys know what bothers you the most and when angry will do that. I don't like to be pushed into a corner for any reason, and perhaps that's what he felt. He may have known that you wouldn't have understood and in time it would have been different..IDK? everyone has their own ways of dealing with conflict."
Maybe The Man is right, but I refuse to sit around, eating bonbons waiting for the phone to ring. Having a friendship is fine, but it's not on the top of my priority list. Having a relationship seems more like a joke and urban myth at this point regardless of where in the world people are.
Kate
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