I know nothing more about life or love than any one else, I have had my heart broken and I have broken hearts. I continue to return to the battlefield of love lost and found in hopes of finding "the one," even though I don't believe there is just one person who completes me, but I would like to think that maybe there is one person who understands who I am now and excepts me and all my baggage for what it is.
What was it about him that made me want more? That made me want to jump threw hoops to be with him? I felt like a teenager in love again, but I couldn't tell if the feeling was mutual. Yes, I knew he lusted for me, enjoyed my witty and often times bizarre comments, but was there more to this "relationship" than passionate words and amazing sex?
It could have ended then maybe it should have because now I expect more and want more. It's hard to tell where if anywhere we will go from here. Silence once was golden, but these days it's haunting and paints a picture of a life in transition. I wouldn't return if I didn't have to, I would continue with this fantasy for as long as possible.
Fantasy is of course the key word here, because there will come a day when the fun will end, when the paperwork will take priority over the passion and lust until then I will dream a little dream and continue to cross my fingers thanking whomever set our life paths on the same course.
This will most likely be the last post of the month and although not nearly as active as June and July it was in so many ways a life changing period, perhaps even more so than the previous months. Fall is creeping in and the crisp cool air and changing colors mark the end of a bitter and emotional rollercoaster year. We have all taken a much needed break from the daily grind to enjoy the beautiful summer weather and as the colder weather approaches I have a feeling our thoughts will once again return to rambling posts. Here we go again; another year, another lifetime, more memories, more experiences and many more friends.
SP
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Magic Eight Ball
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." -
Marcus Aurelius
Fear consumes my thoughts at times, just like lips consume a cock. The first time was sublime, but life altered in the interim and the allure has faded. You learn as you go, was it the right move or had the view changed and the picture frame tilted?
I wasn't nervous this time around even though I had gambled everything. I didn't want to return to the box of depression and the Suzie homemaker life, but the world wind double life was coming to an end. It would be months until we met again that is we ever did. Time and distance had intensive our feelings, but once face-to-face it wasn't the same or maybe it was but never spoken. Were we already bored with one another or as we learned about the inner workings had the fantasy lost its charm?
Was it simply me or had I noticed a change in McDreamy too? Was it over before it ever had a chance or was it so real that I had to pinch myself and believe his loving words? I had opened up and a result left my vulnerable side out for a beating. Had I gambled my heart and once again lost to the house or was this the new chapter I had unknowingly been waiting for? Only time will tell where we go from here, but for now I will enjoy what little time we have together. Love, whether it strikes at sixteen or sixty always brings with it a rush that is hard to capture in words.
SP
Marcus Aurelius
Fear consumes my thoughts at times, just like lips consume a cock. The first time was sublime, but life altered in the interim and the allure has faded. You learn as you go, was it the right move or had the view changed and the picture frame tilted?
I wasn't nervous this time around even though I had gambled everything. I didn't want to return to the box of depression and the Suzie homemaker life, but the world wind double life was coming to an end. It would be months until we met again that is we ever did. Time and distance had intensive our feelings, but once face-to-face it wasn't the same or maybe it was but never spoken. Were we already bored with one another or as we learned about the inner workings had the fantasy lost its charm?
Was it simply me or had I noticed a change in McDreamy too? Was it over before it ever had a chance or was it so real that I had to pinch myself and believe his loving words? I had opened up and a result left my vulnerable side out for a beating. Had I gambled my heart and once again lost to the house or was this the new chapter I had unknowingly been waiting for? Only time will tell where we go from here, but for now I will enjoy what little time we have together. Love, whether it strikes at sixteen or sixty always brings with it a rush that is hard to capture in words.
SP
The Truman Show
"We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented, it's as simple as that." - The Truman Show
Is life a big joke, a Truman show on repeat? Do we do as we are told because it is politically correct or do we risk the perfectly manicured lawn and 2.5 kids for a chance at a new reality show? If we never took a gamble would life be as enjoyable? Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be the newest twist, but we have a choice to opt out and continue with the mundane.
Strangers become friends and then strangers again. If you love someone and one day wake up and notice the feeling isn't mutual do you change your perspective and commit yourself deeper to the one true love or do you bitch and moan and never agree that the falling out was the result of both parties losing sight of the end goal?
I am the star not a supporting part. Those around me believe in me and my objectives and those that don't understand will be written out of the script.
With each new experience and boundary broken I wonder which life will fit me better. I've become use to a life that for many is a dream come true, but behind the scenes is a circus of revolving characters. Then I was given a glimpse at a new ideal, one that up until now seemed out of place and reach, but once inside was magical. But perfection is never real, the honeymoon will end one day and life will go on so what's to say that in three years I won't be bored by this existence?
SP
Is life a big joke, a Truman show on repeat? Do we do as we are told because it is politically correct or do we risk the perfectly manicured lawn and 2.5 kids for a chance at a new reality show? If we never took a gamble would life be as enjoyable? Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be the newest twist, but we have a choice to opt out and continue with the mundane.
Strangers become friends and then strangers again. If you love someone and one day wake up and notice the feeling isn't mutual do you change your perspective and commit yourself deeper to the one true love or do you bitch and moan and never agree that the falling out was the result of both parties losing sight of the end goal?
I am the star not a supporting part. Those around me believe in me and my objectives and those that don't understand will be written out of the script.
With each new experience and boundary broken I wonder which life will fit me better. I've become use to a life that for many is a dream come true, but behind the scenes is a circus of revolving characters. Then I was given a glimpse at a new ideal, one that up until now seemed out of place and reach, but once inside was magical. But perfection is never real, the honeymoon will end one day and life will go on so what's to say that in three years I won't be bored by this existence?
SP
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Running With Scissors
“What are you doing? Turn back now,“ but I didn’t. I kept walking; this life while only temporary was a much-needed retreat. Frozen in time, home stands still, I will not be judged or questioned, my mind can rest and recoup. So, why did I feel guilty for taking a siesta? Was I running away from the problems hoping that when I returned all would be right?
“I shouldn’t feel this way,” he said as we pulled up to the terminal. There was nothing I could do or say to change the way he felt. Less than twenty-four hours ago we were so happy and it was starting to feel like old times, but then the insecurities and past mistakes crept back into the present and the truth fragmented. I was torn between following my heart, which for the first time in a long time told me to run back into his arms and the twenty something party girl who so desperately wanted to be one the popular girls for a few days.
I wished he would have come with me, would have trusted me, would have believed me, but I knew this might never happen again. The truth was he might never get over the pain and I had to finally accept that he might not be waiting for me when I returned. It wouldn’t matter how many pictures I took or souvenirs I bought, it would never be enough to justify my words.
Love is a motherfucker. Oh so easy to fall in and out of, but unconditional love is rare and must not be taken for granted. One day you will wake up and wish you hadn’t foolishly let go of the one person who would jump hoops to be with you.
Had we grown so far apart that the damage couldn’t be repaired? Were we running with scissors fearing the rock and chasing the paper?
Kate
“I shouldn’t feel this way,” he said as we pulled up to the terminal. There was nothing I could do or say to change the way he felt. Less than twenty-four hours ago we were so happy and it was starting to feel like old times, but then the insecurities and past mistakes crept back into the present and the truth fragmented. I was torn between following my heart, which for the first time in a long time told me to run back into his arms and the twenty something party girl who so desperately wanted to be one the popular girls for a few days.
I wished he would have come with me, would have trusted me, would have believed me, but I knew this might never happen again. The truth was he might never get over the pain and I had to finally accept that he might not be waiting for me when I returned. It wouldn’t matter how many pictures I took or souvenirs I bought, it would never be enough to justify my words.
Love is a motherfucker. Oh so easy to fall in and out of, but unconditional love is rare and must not be taken for granted. One day you will wake up and wish you hadn’t foolishly let go of the one person who would jump hoops to be with you.
Had we grown so far apart that the damage couldn’t be repaired? Were we running with scissors fearing the rock and chasing the paper?
Kate
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Days of Our Lives
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.“- Anthony Robbins
Nothing is, as it seems you must remember this. My post last night, "Eyes Wide Shut" wasn't meant to be taken negatively, but this morning I woke to an angry email from Mark (this is McDreamy/Devils Advocate. The sweetest, sexiest, most patient and gorgeous stud muffin. LOL) What had I said that caused the backlash? I thought we had an open agreement when it came to the blog and accepted the words written without over thinking and analyzing.
I too sometimes get caught up in the language and become insecure when I read about past love interests of Mark. The old me would have been jealous and perhaps intimidated, but I can't be bothered with the should of, could of, would of.
Just like anyone I have bad days and good days. I alternate between dark thoughts and moments of sublime happiness. There is a man waiting for me somewhere in the universe, maybe it's Mark or maybe in time he will grow tired of my physiological games. He has never done anything to me to warrant my negative words or harsh criticism and I apology for dragging you into my oh so complicated life. If this was a test you have aced it, but it never was meant to be. What I question now isn't Mark's interest in me, but rather why does someone seemingly so perfect want me?
SP
Nothing is, as it seems you must remember this. My post last night, "Eyes Wide Shut" wasn't meant to be taken negatively, but this morning I woke to an angry email from Mark (this is McDreamy/Devils Advocate. The sweetest, sexiest, most patient and gorgeous stud muffin. LOL) What had I said that caused the backlash? I thought we had an open agreement when it came to the blog and accepted the words written without over thinking and analyzing.
I too sometimes get caught up in the language and become insecure when I read about past love interests of Mark. The old me would have been jealous and perhaps intimidated, but I can't be bothered with the should of, could of, would of.
Just like anyone I have bad days and good days. I alternate between dark thoughts and moments of sublime happiness. There is a man waiting for me somewhere in the universe, maybe it's Mark or maybe in time he will grow tired of my physiological games. He has never done anything to me to warrant my negative words or harsh criticism and I apology for dragging you into my oh so complicated life. If this was a test you have aced it, but it never was meant to be. What I question now isn't Mark's interest in me, but rather why does someone seemingly so perfect want me?
SP
Ghost Writer
My words leave people questioning and confused. Friends of friends want to put their two cents in on my love life and what I should be doing and shouldn't be saying. If I wanted your advice or had the concerns you have then maybe I too would be throwing out unwarranted and unsolicited ignorant thoughts. How many times must I say, "It is what it is." Please continue with your life and not attempt to get involved in a conversation you were never asked to be a part of.
Thinking back now I don't recall every actually meeting you in person. Never one to socialize with the girlfriends of the love of your life or even attempt to be interested in that part of her life. Were you jealous and insecure seeing her face light up playing dress up and putting on makeup for a night out without you?
My life in many ways parallels that of your great love as well as so many others. As I've said before you can take this blog and certain phrases and spin the stories into whatever tale you want to hear. There are three stories and four writers now on the blog, but the central topic of discussion has always been about love; what happens after you find it, what happens after you lose it and the adventures along the way.
I wish we had properly met and I wish you could have accepted the life she had before you. It killed me to see her spark die, she was never one to follow the rules, she was always the star of the show and yes she did love you and still does and I believe a large part of the reason she held on for so long was because she was afraid to let you go. Somewhat selfish perhaps but in her defense she was trying to protect you. Which turned out to not be a wise decision, but you must let her go now and accept it for what it is.
We've never asked for your approval, as you never wanted to be a part of something you consider pointless. Maybe in ten years I will be embarrassed that I exposed my life for the world to read, but at the moment I enjoy what I'm doing. At the end of the day it's only words on a screen, not a tattoo or a marriage. There are far bigger issues in your life that really should be taking priority, but thanks again.
SP
Thinking back now I don't recall every actually meeting you in person. Never one to socialize with the girlfriends of the love of your life or even attempt to be interested in that part of her life. Were you jealous and insecure seeing her face light up playing dress up and putting on makeup for a night out without you?
My life in many ways parallels that of your great love as well as so many others. As I've said before you can take this blog and certain phrases and spin the stories into whatever tale you want to hear. There are three stories and four writers now on the blog, but the central topic of discussion has always been about love; what happens after you find it, what happens after you lose it and the adventures along the way.
I wish we had properly met and I wish you could have accepted the life she had before you. It killed me to see her spark die, she was never one to follow the rules, she was always the star of the show and yes she did love you and still does and I believe a large part of the reason she held on for so long was because she was afraid to let you go. Somewhat selfish perhaps but in her defense she was trying to protect you. Which turned out to not be a wise decision, but you must let her go now and accept it for what it is.
We've never asked for your approval, as you never wanted to be a part of something you consider pointless. Maybe in ten years I will be embarrassed that I exposed my life for the world to read, but at the moment I enjoy what I'm doing. At the end of the day it's only words on a screen, not a tattoo or a marriage. There are far bigger issues in your life that really should be taking priority, but thanks again.
SP
Eyes Wide Shut
"When people who don't know you hate you, that's when you know you are the BEST."
Mark has proved his commitment to me and just a couple weeks ago this was everything I had been waiting to hear, but now that I know how he feels it’s not enough. Sure I still think about him and we continue to maintain a long distance relationship, but in recent days I have found myself losing interest in the chase. He is not a part of my daily life and as hard as I try to make believe he will walk in the door or one day always be there I also can’t bank on this ever happening. I’ve been distancing myself and my feelings from what was and possibly will continue to be something great.
He had come into my life at a time when I was longing for a distraction, but now I want more. I had fallen hard, to quickly and gotten caught up in the flirty banter and dreamy promises. I would like to believe that there is something past the passionate words and lustful moments, but a part of me is still holding back and by doing so I am retreating further and further away.
I take a gamble in my fashion choice every time I walk out the door, but when it comes to gambling with my heart I’m a conservative with a history of poor decisions. Unfortunately I will forever consider all men to have the same characteristics as Andy and the rest of the JSR’s in the world. Repeatedly, Mark has tried to tell me and show me that he is not like the bad seeds I base my experiences with and as much as I would like to believe him I just can’t. This is my issue and it doesn’t matter what he does or says, but my list of douche bag moves that men have done will always be in the back of my mind.
Life is not a fairytale. I’m not a princess, you’re not my prince. And there are no fairy god mothers to make it come true. So, what does this mean for Mark and I? I know what he wants and not to long ago I would have jumped without a thought, but all I do now is over think every situation which might not be adventurous, but at this point I would prefer a drama less life and know exactly what is coming.
"In the end... you'll see who's fake, who's true and who would risk it all just for you."
SP
Mark has proved his commitment to me and just a couple weeks ago this was everything I had been waiting to hear, but now that I know how he feels it’s not enough. Sure I still think about him and we continue to maintain a long distance relationship, but in recent days I have found myself losing interest in the chase. He is not a part of my daily life and as hard as I try to make believe he will walk in the door or one day always be there I also can’t bank on this ever happening. I’ve been distancing myself and my feelings from what was and possibly will continue to be something great.
He had come into my life at a time when I was longing for a distraction, but now I want more. I had fallen hard, to quickly and gotten caught up in the flirty banter and dreamy promises. I would like to believe that there is something past the passionate words and lustful moments, but a part of me is still holding back and by doing so I am retreating further and further away.
I take a gamble in my fashion choice every time I walk out the door, but when it comes to gambling with my heart I’m a conservative with a history of poor decisions. Unfortunately I will forever consider all men to have the same characteristics as Andy and the rest of the JSR’s in the world. Repeatedly, Mark has tried to tell me and show me that he is not like the bad seeds I base my experiences with and as much as I would like to believe him I just can’t. This is my issue and it doesn’t matter what he does or says, but my list of douche bag moves that men have done will always be in the back of my mind.
Life is not a fairytale. I’m not a princess, you’re not my prince. And there are no fairy god mothers to make it come true. So, what does this mean for Mark and I? I know what he wants and not to long ago I would have jumped without a thought, but all I do now is over think every situation which might not be adventurous, but at this point I would prefer a drama less life and know exactly what is coming.
"In the end... you'll see who's fake, who's true and who would risk it all just for you."
SP
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