Work has been preoccupying the majority of McDreamy's days. I had quickly become accustomed to our daily chats and emails, but in the last couple weeks it has all but ceased. We still talk at least once a day, but it's not like it once was. The conversations while friendly and entertaining are tiptoeing around the central issue.
I don't want to say it's over, but I have to come to terms with the fact that maybe the distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but rather makes it convenient to forget. I came across a blog yesterday written by a friend of The Man's, www.highwaytoahusband.com. While reading a few entries, I came across a line that stood out, "I have also been told (by plenty of men, no less) that when a man is seriously interested in a woman, not time, nor distance, nor the highest obstacle will deter him from making her his." No frills, just the brutal truth and after re reading the sentence a few times I sat back and thought about all the grand gestures McDreamy had made for me and all the sweet words he once spoke. Had I been over thinking this brief lack of communication or was there something more to it? Had he lost interest in me? Was I just another conquest?
I am more aware of little changes in people now. Whether or not they have meaning, I question their motives and myself more intensely. For my own personal well being, I must step back and not allow myself to get swept into the fantasy. After all dreams only come true on the silver screen.
SP
Friday, August 6, 2010
Love's Divine
In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationship we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. Growing up I always figure I would one day have two adorable, blue eyed, strawberry blond children, but now I find myself questioning the imaginative thought. I grow up in an area that can best be described as waspville. With the exception of a handful of people, the majority of the population were white meat. In my graduating class there were three Asians, two African Americans, one Indian, and what seemed like five hundred blue eyed, blond haired, JCREW models.
I had never given it much thought; I just assumed white girl from a white family resulted in a white husband and kids. It wasn't that I didn't find men of a different race attractive, but rather I just never gave it a second thought. Up until now there had never been someone who caught my eye enough to give a new flavor a try and now I find myself in a complex mental debate.
My thoughts have jumped ahead; many more events will have to occur. I won't stand in the way, but I will be more critical and self-conscious. It's unfortunate that I have to consider these seemingly pointless factors, but this is the lasting impression I will be leaving behind. In the end, I will continue to follow my heart and if it one day means I'm living in Love's Divine world then so be it.
Kate
I had never given it much thought; I just assumed white girl from a white family resulted in a white husband and kids. It wasn't that I didn't find men of a different race attractive, but rather I just never gave it a second thought. Up until now there had never been someone who caught my eye enough to give a new flavor a try and now I find myself in a complex mental debate.
My thoughts have jumped ahead; many more events will have to occur. I won't stand in the way, but I will be more critical and self-conscious. It's unfortunate that I have to consider these seemingly pointless factors, but this is the lasting impression I will be leaving behind. In the end, I will continue to follow my heart and if it one day means I'm living in Love's Divine world then so be it.
Kate
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Spin The Bottle
How many couples who walk thru the threshold to sit on stiff chairs and discuss their marital problems with a therapist actually last? It would seem that couples counseling is a last resort attempt to fix a major problem. Once the vicious cycle of spin the bottle starts is it too little too late? Had we entered the doctor's office six months earlier as I had requested maybe it wouldn't have gotten to such desperate measures.
It was beyond repair and I was hoping John would finally see it too. There was nothing left, we had put each other thru the ringer. My feelings were confirmed during that first session. There would be one more attempt to piece back together the once loving relationship, but the more that was spoken the further we grew apart. Ultimately the decision was made for itself. It was all to clear there was nothing left, we had become strangers living two very different lives.
I wanted to explore the world and live a life without a chain around my neck. I had become a prisoner in my own home. Every action questioned, every keystroke watched by the hawk. The more he spoke about how happy he was the more anger and distant I became. How could he possibly think this was sublime happiness? It was so far from perfect let alone tolerable that I burst out laughing. Seriously I thought you have got to be out of your freaking mind to think this relationship is even close to ideal. If you saw that I wasn't happy for all those months why not say something? Because the silence leaves everything up to misinterpretation.
Procrastination only prolonged the painful goodbye by another day. You don't realize how much stuff is dividable until it must be sorted and boxed. I knew the long road ahead wouldn't be easy, but I also knew that everyday I was stuck in this life I was quickly losing myself.
I would get brief glimpses of the person I once was. But, she had been hanging in the closet for months now collecting dust. Spin the bottle use to be a fun game, but now it's a bitter circle of lies and heartache.
Kate
It was beyond repair and I was hoping John would finally see it too. There was nothing left, we had put each other thru the ringer. My feelings were confirmed during that first session. There would be one more attempt to piece back together the once loving relationship, but the more that was spoken the further we grew apart. Ultimately the decision was made for itself. It was all to clear there was nothing left, we had become strangers living two very different lives.
I wanted to explore the world and live a life without a chain around my neck. I had become a prisoner in my own home. Every action questioned, every keystroke watched by the hawk. The more he spoke about how happy he was the more anger and distant I became. How could he possibly think this was sublime happiness? It was so far from perfect let alone tolerable that I burst out laughing. Seriously I thought you have got to be out of your freaking mind to think this relationship is even close to ideal. If you saw that I wasn't happy for all those months why not say something? Because the silence leaves everything up to misinterpretation.
Procrastination only prolonged the painful goodbye by another day. You don't realize how much stuff is dividable until it must be sorted and boxed. I knew the long road ahead wouldn't be easy, but I also knew that everyday I was stuck in this life I was quickly losing myself.
I would get brief glimpses of the person I once was. But, she had been hanging in the closet for months now collecting dust. Spin the bottle use to be a fun game, but now it's a bitter circle of lies and heartache.
Kate
Bitter, Party of One
WOW!!! I am amazed! 10,000 readers. Well, I guess I can't turn back now. One thing about putting yourself out there online is that: you are there forever! And Shit! Do I really want everyone to know my dirty laundry? I rarely look to see the comments any longer (I liked when I could see them on the blog), but when I heard there were 10,000 readers, I went threw a ton of the comments. I noticed it was mostly women who did the commenting, and most have been either hurt in the past, or lost in some way and trying to find answers to why they are alone.
Let me first say you may like me, or hate me, but if we work together...we will find the answers to most of these questions. At first I was somewhat brought here to try and answer a few questions, but as time went on, I started sharing some of my own experiences. I, in reality am not as crazy as I seem. I have been in a few long-term relationships in the past, and I would love to be in another. I just recently have chosen a different road to find someone I may not meet otherwise. I chose the internet...I know there are many skeptics as far as that goes...and trust me, I am one too...but given my schedule, and the type of work I do, it is just plain tough to find someone.
Many women may ask themselves "why am I single?" well, there are a million reasons; it just depends on your outlook and what you are really after. Do you always go for the same "type”? Try changing. Do you like the "flashy guys”? Well, I was one of those guys in the past, and let me tell you WE KNEW YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO US BECAUSE OF THAT, SO WE USED YOU, LIKE YOU USED US. Sorry, but true. Here are a few reasons that I think may be true.
Throughout history, a very different picture has been painted when it comes to the Single Woman vs. the Single Man. Single men are seen as "bachelors" - independent, having fun, and enjoying life to its fullest before getting "chained down" by a woman. Single women on the other hand, have long been seen as less than whole if they're not attached, lonely spinsters, and cat ladies. Hopefully by now in the age of human equality, we all know these archaic views is just that - out of date, and untrue? However, the lingering effects of deep social strongholds can die hard, and women are often the guilty ones when it comes to letting go of old, stale self-perceptions.
Reasons Why Some Women Remain Single
1. Many women are not so much ashamed of who they are, but simply unsure. When going through the dating stage of a relationship, a woman's instinct can often be to hide her personality, for fear of rejection. She waits to see how she fits into a man's lifestyle/personality, before "risking" the rejection, which she fears, could come with him knowing her true self. This results in no real connection being made, or a false connection being made with someone who really doesn't care about knowing the real her anyway.
2. Some women have no problem meeting men; they date often, but seem unable to have a lasting, committed, relationship. Often the fear of being alone motivates women to have temporary relationships with men they don't really have an intention of staying with. There is a lot of deception involved in these relationships, by using another person to temporarily fill loneliness, you self-deceive, as well as lead someone on unnecessarily. If a woman is not focused on creating a real relationship (if that's what her goal is), she may be giving off the wrong signals to potential mates, by always appearing "taken".
3. Women are notorious for "settling". Again, the fear of being alone can cause a woman to try to make a man "fit", when in reality the relationship is just not working, and really bares no resemblance to the type of relationship she actually wants to have. Women tend to get emotionally attached quickly, and find it difficult to distinguish between attachment based on fear, and actual love.
4. Addictions, such as alcohol, food or drugs, can also create the appearance, or "vibe" that a woman is taken. If her life centers on her addiction, there is no room for love with someone else.
5. Past loves. Sometimes there is an on-going and unhealthy attachment to a past love, which prevents a woman from truly moving on, and being able to commit. Even if there's no chance of the relationship rekindling, the guilt, sadness or anger she carries around is what's stopping her from moving on.
We often ask ourselves, why am I still single? What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to love me? The answer of course, as always, is look within, and figure out what you are doing to hold yourself back. It's not about being an undesirable person, but about letting the wonderful person you are shine through so others can see. Blaming or projecting onto others is natural, but only results in a delay of growth and progress.
I actually know some of the reasons I am single, but can I change the person I’ve been transformed into? Of course I can...
The Man
Let me first say you may like me, or hate me, but if we work together...we will find the answers to most of these questions. At first I was somewhat brought here to try and answer a few questions, but as time went on, I started sharing some of my own experiences. I, in reality am not as crazy as I seem. I have been in a few long-term relationships in the past, and I would love to be in another. I just recently have chosen a different road to find someone I may not meet otherwise. I chose the internet...I know there are many skeptics as far as that goes...and trust me, I am one too...but given my schedule, and the type of work I do, it is just plain tough to find someone.
Many women may ask themselves "why am I single?" well, there are a million reasons; it just depends on your outlook and what you are really after. Do you always go for the same "type”? Try changing. Do you like the "flashy guys”? Well, I was one of those guys in the past, and let me tell you WE KNEW YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO US BECAUSE OF THAT, SO WE USED YOU, LIKE YOU USED US. Sorry, but true. Here are a few reasons that I think may be true.
Throughout history, a very different picture has been painted when it comes to the Single Woman vs. the Single Man. Single men are seen as "bachelors" - independent, having fun, and enjoying life to its fullest before getting "chained down" by a woman. Single women on the other hand, have long been seen as less than whole if they're not attached, lonely spinsters, and cat ladies. Hopefully by now in the age of human equality, we all know these archaic views is just that - out of date, and untrue? However, the lingering effects of deep social strongholds can die hard, and women are often the guilty ones when it comes to letting go of old, stale self-perceptions.
Reasons Why Some Women Remain Single
1. Many women are not so much ashamed of who they are, but simply unsure. When going through the dating stage of a relationship, a woman's instinct can often be to hide her personality, for fear of rejection. She waits to see how she fits into a man's lifestyle/personality, before "risking" the rejection, which she fears, could come with him knowing her true self. This results in no real connection being made, or a false connection being made with someone who really doesn't care about knowing the real her anyway.
2. Some women have no problem meeting men; they date often, but seem unable to have a lasting, committed, relationship. Often the fear of being alone motivates women to have temporary relationships with men they don't really have an intention of staying with. There is a lot of deception involved in these relationships, by using another person to temporarily fill loneliness, you self-deceive, as well as lead someone on unnecessarily. If a woman is not focused on creating a real relationship (if that's what her goal is), she may be giving off the wrong signals to potential mates, by always appearing "taken".
3. Women are notorious for "settling". Again, the fear of being alone can cause a woman to try to make a man "fit", when in reality the relationship is just not working, and really bares no resemblance to the type of relationship she actually wants to have. Women tend to get emotionally attached quickly, and find it difficult to distinguish between attachment based on fear, and actual love.
4. Addictions, such as alcohol, food or drugs, can also create the appearance, or "vibe" that a woman is taken. If her life centers on her addiction, there is no room for love with someone else.
5. Past loves. Sometimes there is an on-going and unhealthy attachment to a past love, which prevents a woman from truly moving on, and being able to commit. Even if there's no chance of the relationship rekindling, the guilt, sadness or anger she carries around is what's stopping her from moving on.
We often ask ourselves, why am I still single? What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to love me? The answer of course, as always, is look within, and figure out what you are doing to hold yourself back. It's not about being an undesirable person, but about letting the wonderful person you are shine through so others can see. Blaming or projecting onto others is natural, but only results in a delay of growth and progress.
I actually know some of the reasons I am single, but can I change the person I’ve been transformed into? Of course I can...
The Man
Follow The Yellow Brick Road
Back to the changing room to confess more dirty little secrets. My thoughts tend to jump around from the past to the present. But, it is of course as a result of my adventures on the yellow brick road that got me here today.
I thought I had found "the one," but he turned out to be a huge mistake. I don't want to jump the shark here and say that McDreamy is "the one" because not only is it premature, but I've lost respect for the seemingly ridiculous concept.
I allowed myself to get swept into the Cinderella dream and in the end I walked away feeling more like Jennifer Aniston than Angelina Jolie. I don’t need or want a lavish wedding or safety net.
With each step forward, I feel the past clinging on and holding me back. There was a point not to long ago that I would freely jump into new relationships and not think about the possible doomed reality that was waiting just a few months down the road. But, thanks to Andy I now have reservations about jumping into a serious relationship with McDreamy. I can't bare the nightmarish ending to what is currently a blissful union. But, I would be naive not to think about the future and how after a while it would not be out of the norm for us to part ways. I've got cold feet and as each day goes by, the fear and betrayal of the past take over my thoughts and make it harder for me to freely jump. I know I will regret not trying, but then again maybe I will regret trying at all.
There will never be a magical sign that confirms what I need to hear. I don't even know what I need, if pushed I would say I want to hear a fairytale story. Even though I know all to well that ending isn't always a Cinderella dream. I had the lavish wedding, the perfect Ken doll and in the end it wasn't perfect or fabulous at all.
Perhaps one needs to experience the picture perfect life in order to see the unedited dysfunctional truth. Money can't buy you love, but to find love you must gamble with your heart which in the end will cost you some green.
If only I wasn't falling for someone who wants the fairytale, who believes in dreams and is mesmerized by the girl next door looks and sequined ruby red Mary Janes. At the end of this yellow brick road maybe there is a happy ending or just another lesson learned. Toto is leading the way and I’m running into the haunted forest to fetch.
SP
I thought I had found "the one," but he turned out to be a huge mistake. I don't want to jump the shark here and say that McDreamy is "the one" because not only is it premature, but I've lost respect for the seemingly ridiculous concept.
I allowed myself to get swept into the Cinderella dream and in the end I walked away feeling more like Jennifer Aniston than Angelina Jolie. I don’t need or want a lavish wedding or safety net.
With each step forward, I feel the past clinging on and holding me back. There was a point not to long ago that I would freely jump into new relationships and not think about the possible doomed reality that was waiting just a few months down the road. But, thanks to Andy I now have reservations about jumping into a serious relationship with McDreamy. I can't bare the nightmarish ending to what is currently a blissful union. But, I would be naive not to think about the future and how after a while it would not be out of the norm for us to part ways. I've got cold feet and as each day goes by, the fear and betrayal of the past take over my thoughts and make it harder for me to freely jump. I know I will regret not trying, but then again maybe I will regret trying at all.
There will never be a magical sign that confirms what I need to hear. I don't even know what I need, if pushed I would say I want to hear a fairytale story. Even though I know all to well that ending isn't always a Cinderella dream. I had the lavish wedding, the perfect Ken doll and in the end it wasn't perfect or fabulous at all.
Perhaps one needs to experience the picture perfect life in order to see the unedited dysfunctional truth. Money can't buy you love, but to find love you must gamble with your heart which in the end will cost you some green.
If only I wasn't falling for someone who wants the fairytale, who believes in dreams and is mesmerized by the girl next door looks and sequined ruby red Mary Janes. At the end of this yellow brick road maybe there is a happy ending or just another lesson learned. Toto is leading the way and I’m running into the haunted forest to fetch.
SP
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Spiked Lemonade
"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."-
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm a bit overwhelmed with the staggering increase in Love Bites fans. 9,000 last time I checked and the first thing I thought was I wish I could see the expression on M and company's faces right now. In the end that's what this is all about, getting even and then some with the people who fucked with my life. Here's to fucking up your emotionally stable existence. This truly is the most genius way to get over a douche bag, jackass, cowardly, sewer rat.
What's the cute little line, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade," well I think we've taken that clever phrase up a few notches and made ourselves some fabulously delicious cocktails with a bottle or two of splendid vodka and we will be lovingly sharing our riches with the loyal Love Bites groupies. You guys rock!
All I've been doing on this blog is confessing my inner thoughts about past mistakes and relationships. What more can I say without really pissing off people? Like should I reveal the secret fetishes and after dark hangouts of a certain Mr.JSR (aka M)? We could play hangman and spell out M's real name, family photo albums, (flickr, MySpace & facebook. Just remember if wanted your life and the lives of your friends and family to remain private you never should have joined any of these networks.) Email address and phone number (these are public after all you just need to know what you are looking for). But, then I would be stooping down to their childish level and I'm wiser than that. There are far more rewarding avenues for one to continue seeking sweet, sweet revenge.
Thought I said too much already about myself, but I suppose one can never say too much. So who am I? I'm twenty-eight, self employed, currently living outside of Boston, my longest relationship lasted eight years, I'm not a girly girl, I don't follow tradition, I don't believe in prince charming and the idea of growing old with one person sounds more like a prison sentence than a dream come true. I'm a sarcastic bitch and proud to be a fun girl.
I was born in New York City, the only child of two lawyers, we lived in Park Slope until I was six at least point we moved to an affluent Westchester suburb for the best of the best public school education. Although the education system was lost on me, I never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a 9-5-worker bee. I wasn't a cheerleader or an honors student, but I wasn't a troubled child either. I kept to myself and observed those around me, I wasn't there to make friends, I was just waiting for the day I could get as far away from desperate housewives small town corruption and begin living.
I wasn't interested in boys until I got to college. Even then I was mighty picky and to some people a bit intimidating, not only by my clothing, but my body language. I had perfected the poker face at an early age, which for some men who fear rejection was a turnoff. Those that did approach and attempt to strike up a conversation were given about a minute to impress me or were quickly dismissed with a cold shoulder.
There were a handful of male "friends," over the years, but it takes a lot for me to commit myself to just one. My first real boyfriend would later become my first husband. Which we all know was not a happily ever after union. "The one" that's a whole chapter in itself.
As for now, I'm going to enjoy my spiked lemonade and call it a night.
Kate
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm a bit overwhelmed with the staggering increase in Love Bites fans. 9,000 last time I checked and the first thing I thought was I wish I could see the expression on M and company's faces right now. In the end that's what this is all about, getting even and then some with the people who fucked with my life. Here's to fucking up your emotionally stable existence. This truly is the most genius way to get over a douche bag, jackass, cowardly, sewer rat.
What's the cute little line, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade," well I think we've taken that clever phrase up a few notches and made ourselves some fabulously delicious cocktails with a bottle or two of splendid vodka and we will be lovingly sharing our riches with the loyal Love Bites groupies. You guys rock!
All I've been doing on this blog is confessing my inner thoughts about past mistakes and relationships. What more can I say without really pissing off people? Like should I reveal the secret fetishes and after dark hangouts of a certain Mr.JSR (aka M)? We could play hangman and spell out M's real name, family photo albums, (flickr, MySpace & facebook. Just remember if wanted your life and the lives of your friends and family to remain private you never should have joined any of these networks.) Email address and phone number (these are public after all you just need to know what you are looking for). But, then I would be stooping down to their childish level and I'm wiser than that. There are far more rewarding avenues for one to continue seeking sweet, sweet revenge.
Thought I said too much already about myself, but I suppose one can never say too much. So who am I? I'm twenty-eight, self employed, currently living outside of Boston, my longest relationship lasted eight years, I'm not a girly girl, I don't follow tradition, I don't believe in prince charming and the idea of growing old with one person sounds more like a prison sentence than a dream come true. I'm a sarcastic bitch and proud to be a fun girl.
I was born in New York City, the only child of two lawyers, we lived in Park Slope until I was six at least point we moved to an affluent Westchester suburb for the best of the best public school education. Although the education system was lost on me, I never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a 9-5-worker bee. I wasn't a cheerleader or an honors student, but I wasn't a troubled child either. I kept to myself and observed those around me, I wasn't there to make friends, I was just waiting for the day I could get as far away from desperate housewives small town corruption and begin living.
I wasn't interested in boys until I got to college. Even then I was mighty picky and to some people a bit intimidating, not only by my clothing, but my body language. I had perfected the poker face at an early age, which for some men who fear rejection was a turnoff. Those that did approach and attempt to strike up a conversation were given about a minute to impress me or were quickly dismissed with a cold shoulder.
There were a handful of male "friends," over the years, but it takes a lot for me to commit myself to just one. My first real boyfriend would later become my first husband. Which we all know was not a happily ever after union. "The one" that's a whole chapter in itself.
As for now, I'm going to enjoy my spiked lemonade and call it a night.
Kate
Monday, August 2, 2010
Dirty Little Secrets
Hmmm..The thought of telling total strangers, and some who know me some of my darkest secrets is a bit scary...and I don't scare easily, so I am going to tell a little story. It may be fact. It may be fiction.
I grew up a little different than most of you. My family and me lived overseas for the first half of my life, we moved about every 2-4yrs.As soon as I met and made new friends, it was time to move again. We were most of the time driven around with guards and always had security around us if we were in public. After about 10-15 yrs traveling, we moved back to the States. I guess you could say that is why I don't get too attached or feel the pain when someone leaves you.
I/we moved to Florida and it seems like this is where I developed into the person I am today. My first day of school I was jumped by three people because I didn't want to play basketball with them. I had always grew up that fights were one on one, but not here...everything goes! And not to mention one is now a world famous UFC fighter now.
I almost got everything I wanted. If I wanted a jet ski, I got it. When tired of that, I got a boat. When I wanted a motorcycle, I got two. One for me, and the other for my friends. And I was the "new guy" in town so I had a few ladies after me as well. I had a cool car, the loudest music in the parking lot, and everything going for me. I then heard that I was getting my parents house for a graduation present. Wooohoo, I was on top of the world! Until the day of Aug 24...Hurricane Andrew. My father was overseas working while my mom and I were home alone. The Cat.5 hurricane hit and destroyed more than just our home. The next day a phone call was made telling my father "You weren't here when I needed you most, I want a divorce!" WOW!! Total shocker! My graduation present of the waterfront home was thrown away with that call. From that point on my mother and me were not too close. A year later she threw me out of the house to move her thirty year old boyfriend in full time. The business I started with her was now all mine, except for the fact she cleaned out the bank account and canceled the license. I was on my own! I found a place to rent (a storm damaged home a friend had) and continued to try to keep my head up. I was struggling just to get by, eating bologna sandwiches, staying home, and getting-.25-cent burgers just to try to get back to normal. But after talking to a friend, we were going to make a change! This was the life I had never known...And never want to feel again. They say you need to hit rock bottom before you want to change.... well this changed me forever!
Change was necessary...and boy did I change! My best friend and me were just talking one day when we started thinking...What do you think that guy does? He never works, has all the cool toys, and all the beautiful women. We made our move. We knew his good friend and started asking a few questions. We got our answer, and now it was time to see if we too could have everything he had. We became friends with him and slowly he began to trust us and tell us how the business was run. This was Miami and if you wanted anything nice and didn’t want to work hard, but take major risks, this was your job. Here, you either did drugs, or sold them. Well, not everyone...but just about everyone I knew smoked pot, so my new lifestyle began.
In little less than a year, we were making double the amount the guy who taught us made. We bought each other gifts like Rolex’s, remote controlled boats, and the biggest gold chains we could find. Yeah, I know STUPID!! But hey, we were making $200-$500 a day and all that while just riding our 4 wheelers and playing. Times were different back then, there was trust! Now there are more snitches than cops. The cops don’t even have to leave their office before another snitch comes and tells them what's going on. But needless to say, I wasn't eating bologna sandwiches anymore!
A few years passed and our original plan exploded into an enterprise, we had people working for us and we making numbers that would take 5-7 years of schooling. But as we were getting bigger, the greed was also coming out. Our friends began to use us, the women knew we were "big timers", and we started to look over our shoulders. By 25, I had 4 cars, 2 trucks, numerous amounts of race boats, 4 wheelers, lived in two different houses, and couldn't even bring my toys home, all the neighbors would have wondered what a 25yr old was doing with all that. So the mystery began. No more fancy clothes, no showing off (unless far away), and my dating life was all secretive. I wasn't allowed to say what I was doing; therefore keeping a constant girlfriend was out of the question! For years I would date multiple people so no one could get too close. Therefore I bring me to how I am today. Or so I think. As the years passed, we were on top of the world, we were envied by most, and hated by the jealous one's who were too scared to take the risk. Was I crazy? Hell yea! But who can say they had $200,000 in their closet, always at least $1,000 in my front pocket, and another $2,000 in my wallet. I knew my days were numbered so I stepped away from that circle of friends...One thing I’ve learned "if you're not with em' , you're against em' " or so they thought. I learned quickly that when you're not on top.... you’re just an average working Joe...No more free VIP tables, free bar tabs, massages two times a week, and hundreds of friends who wanted to hang. Those days were over...I walked away with my stash, a home, business, and I was to become a normal member of society. Hahahhaaa!!! Life sucked! I missed the excitement and rush. It wasn't even about the money, it became almost an addiction and I was in withdrawals! So the adventure continues...
-----To be continued---- (maybe)
The Man
I grew up a little different than most of you. My family and me lived overseas for the first half of my life, we moved about every 2-4yrs.As soon as I met and made new friends, it was time to move again. We were most of the time driven around with guards and always had security around us if we were in public. After about 10-15 yrs traveling, we moved back to the States. I guess you could say that is why I don't get too attached or feel the pain when someone leaves you.
I/we moved to Florida and it seems like this is where I developed into the person I am today. My first day of school I was jumped by three people because I didn't want to play basketball with them. I had always grew up that fights were one on one, but not here...everything goes! And not to mention one is now a world famous UFC fighter now.
I almost got everything I wanted. If I wanted a jet ski, I got it. When tired of that, I got a boat. When I wanted a motorcycle, I got two. One for me, and the other for my friends. And I was the "new guy" in town so I had a few ladies after me as well. I had a cool car, the loudest music in the parking lot, and everything going for me. I then heard that I was getting my parents house for a graduation present. Wooohoo, I was on top of the world! Until the day of Aug 24...Hurricane Andrew. My father was overseas working while my mom and I were home alone. The Cat.5 hurricane hit and destroyed more than just our home. The next day a phone call was made telling my father "You weren't here when I needed you most, I want a divorce!" WOW!! Total shocker! My graduation present of the waterfront home was thrown away with that call. From that point on my mother and me were not too close. A year later she threw me out of the house to move her thirty year old boyfriend in full time. The business I started with her was now all mine, except for the fact she cleaned out the bank account and canceled the license. I was on my own! I found a place to rent (a storm damaged home a friend had) and continued to try to keep my head up. I was struggling just to get by, eating bologna sandwiches, staying home, and getting-.25-cent burgers just to try to get back to normal. But after talking to a friend, we were going to make a change! This was the life I had never known...And never want to feel again. They say you need to hit rock bottom before you want to change.... well this changed me forever!
Change was necessary...and boy did I change! My best friend and me were just talking one day when we started thinking...What do you think that guy does? He never works, has all the cool toys, and all the beautiful women. We made our move. We knew his good friend and started asking a few questions. We got our answer, and now it was time to see if we too could have everything he had. We became friends with him and slowly he began to trust us and tell us how the business was run. This was Miami and if you wanted anything nice and didn’t want to work hard, but take major risks, this was your job. Here, you either did drugs, or sold them. Well, not everyone...but just about everyone I knew smoked pot, so my new lifestyle began.
In little less than a year, we were making double the amount the guy who taught us made. We bought each other gifts like Rolex’s, remote controlled boats, and the biggest gold chains we could find. Yeah, I know STUPID!! But hey, we were making $200-$500 a day and all that while just riding our 4 wheelers and playing. Times were different back then, there was trust! Now there are more snitches than cops. The cops don’t even have to leave their office before another snitch comes and tells them what's going on. But needless to say, I wasn't eating bologna sandwiches anymore!
A few years passed and our original plan exploded into an enterprise, we had people working for us and we making numbers that would take 5-7 years of schooling. But as we were getting bigger, the greed was also coming out. Our friends began to use us, the women knew we were "big timers", and we started to look over our shoulders. By 25, I had 4 cars, 2 trucks, numerous amounts of race boats, 4 wheelers, lived in two different houses, and couldn't even bring my toys home, all the neighbors would have wondered what a 25yr old was doing with all that. So the mystery began. No more fancy clothes, no showing off (unless far away), and my dating life was all secretive. I wasn't allowed to say what I was doing; therefore keeping a constant girlfriend was out of the question! For years I would date multiple people so no one could get too close. Therefore I bring me to how I am today. Or so I think. As the years passed, we were on top of the world, we were envied by most, and hated by the jealous one's who were too scared to take the risk. Was I crazy? Hell yea! But who can say they had $200,000 in their closet, always at least $1,000 in my front pocket, and another $2,000 in my wallet. I knew my days were numbered so I stepped away from that circle of friends...One thing I’ve learned "if you're not with em' , you're against em' " or so they thought. I learned quickly that when you're not on top.... you’re just an average working Joe...No more free VIP tables, free bar tabs, massages two times a week, and hundreds of friends who wanted to hang. Those days were over...I walked away with my stash, a home, business, and I was to become a normal member of society. Hahahhaaa!!! Life sucked! I missed the excitement and rush. It wasn't even about the money, it became almost an addiction and I was in withdrawals! So the adventure continues...
-----To be continued---- (maybe)
The Man
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