Sunday, September 23, 2012

Does "The One" Exist?

    Okay, finally got this done... this was a lot tougher to write than previous posts. Not sure why, but here goes. Does "The One" exist for everyone? I'm beginning to wonder. I want to believe it does. I am an adamant believer in past lives and sometimes I wonder if maybe you don't always find that person or you find them but the timing is never right.... and you just have to wait for your next life to try and figure it out. And sometimes you find that person that you inexplicably are drawn to... nothing else matters and you know it's right.... those are the lucky ones. Although knowing something is right and that you belong together does not mean it will work out... who knows maybe my radar is broken and I'm just headed in the wrong direction.

    The one that got away has been back since April. We have always been good at picking up where we left off and feeling as though no time has passed since we last saw eachother. We got to spend a decent amount of time together, and every bit of it was fantastic. However, he kept wandering away, going out of town to visit friends and family and staying gone for 2-3 weeks at a time. He chose to not get a house, or a job, and has spent a lot of time visiting family. We texted back in June and he said he didn't know when he was coming back. And so I gave up. I was so so sad and honestly didn't want anything to do with another man. I mean really, why even bother?

     Then, shortly after he left I started getting messages from another ex, and we decided to meet up. He was certainly kind, and had a lot of apologizing to do and he did it well. This is the man I dated before "the one that got away" back then we had a pretty solid relationship until he moved away to follow a lead on a job. He was gone for months but texted me almost daily... we made plans for the future for him to meet my kids and me his. We had a whole brady bunch fantasy going and when it came time for him to move back we saw eachother once and then he flaked out on me and dissapeared. That was the end of it. I never responded to another text or call. Until just recently, and I figured why not. He explained to me that he got freaked out by the commitment and that this time would be different. He said he wouldn't lose me this time. It was going well.... and then I dropped him like a hot potato (because of 'the one that got away') and have been ignoring him ever since.

    I feel bad but I don't know how to explain myself. Should I just say "Hey I'm in a complicated booty call/ almost meaningful relationship with another man and I can't see you both because I'd feel to guilty?" Or should I just keep ignoring him, and only occasionally respond politely to his texts? 'The one that got away' is like a drug!. I cave when I get a call from him. So once again, when he texted me last Friday asking me my plans for the weekend... I knew we would see eachother. It was nothing short of amazing. He's got my heart, I know I'm safe and secure with him. I know I can be myself and he doesn't judge me (like on our 3rd date when I drank too much at a bbq with friends and I ended up puking ALL over his bedroom floor as I ran for the bathroom... he kissed my forehead, told me not to be embaresed and called the next day to check on me)

    When we saw each other, he grabbed onto me, held me close and told me he was sorry. During the next few hours I swear I have never heard a man say 'I'm Sorry' so many times in my life... and seem genuine about it. We talked a lot about the last couple years. We never had a break up (just breaks in time where we didn't see each other), we never fought, or had drama. I really let go of most of my fears and told him how he's the only one that I want to be with, that no one has ever made me feel the way he does.... that he's a strange guy and I'm intensely drawn to him. I also told him that I don't want to be put on hold. I told him that him saying goodbye is important to me, and lets me know that he's thinking of me.

     So once again he left, but this time he did say goodbye.  I know he'll be back in a couple weeks... and I guess once again I'm happy to hold onto memories until then. Is this a terribly bad situation? Yes and no. I am a busy person, my kids are my life and maybe as much as I want a 'real' relationship this still might not be the right time for it. I am still a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So seeming I feel he is "the one" should I just wait it out? In about 8 years my kids will all be teenagers and in 15 years they will (hopefully) all be in college and moving forward in life. Is it possible to love someone, hold onto them, yet not really be together for that long on purpose? Or am I just being a stupid girl and grasping at straws? Anyone have advice for me? Anyone else have problems/questions they want help with??

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