I continue to keep myself preoccupied fearing if I stop to think the thorns will prick me. I worry I am being to liberal and dependent on people who will leave me high and dry if the mood suits. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sure those around me can see thru the stone exterior.
It's not the same anymore and I certainly don't want to return to a life of tension and questions. I use to think I was confined to these four walls, which at times is still true, but now it is also a happy retreat from the real world. There are times after everyone has gone home that my mind drifts off and daydreams about the blissful years. A part of me wants to mend the crazy heart and give it one more try, but I realize by doing this I will forever be letting go of the person I am and the person I want to be. I will forever love him and perhaps that is why I continue to keep the porch light on. Artifacts of his existence stay untouched while large pieces of history are broken down and recycled.
I hate myself for causing him pain, for breaking his heart, but there were actions of his part that also weren't right. I continue to listen to the broken record and the negative remarks, which do not attract me, back. If only he took ownership for his mistakes in the relationship and character faults then maybe I could seriously consider the offer.
If I had the answers to all the puzzling questions I probably wouldn't be writing. It's unfortunate that the blog has become too personal for some and as a result has caused the rest of the crew to self-edit their words until there was nothing left.
As I've discovered since starting Love Bites the people who don't understand you and choose not to change with you are the ones who carelessly throw their three cents into a storyline that no one knows the ending to.
Kate
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sweet Bitter Love
Love is the sweetest and bitterest lie invented. For the majority of my adult years I have always had someone by my side. At one point I was lucky enough to have a bounty of suitors on speed dial. Knowing I was loved was all the warm fuzzes I needed and even if I went to bed alone I didn't feel alone in the world. The days of multiples are over, the options are slimmer and the solitary alternative while deafening at times seems more appealing as the days go by.
Adjusting to the new norm was terrifying at first and at times still is. The pressure is heightening, as the decision is a life changing one. I worry that I will make the wrong choice and forever wonder what if?
I still expect him to walk thru the door, to be upstairs making dinner or blasting heavy metal as he lifts weights. Time passes slower now, the writing has subsided and the reality is creeping in. There are pros to being on your own again and I relish in the personal time, quiet nights and freedom to come and go as I please without the riot act. I bounced back quicker than I expected, but I'm not fully recovered and may never be. He wants to get back together now, but I worry that the past mistakes and communication problems will return and I can't bare to watch him leave again, but by not even trying I worry that I am giving up on us without a fight. On the other hand it's not fair to either party to hold out false hope. Time and space maybe the wisest decision for now.
There are quirks about each that I admire and love. The thing is while I have always wanted a sensible, responsible and well-rounded partner I have found that months later what I initially thought was an ideal catch would later bother and bore me. On the other hand the daredevil men who constantly entertain me with their jokes and off the wall perspective on life will never be suitable to raise a family with.
Even in the midst of the shit storm he comforted and left me with lasting words of wisdom, "I would get up tomorrow morning and hit the ground running. Put your head down and bust your ass. Use what you already have to keep growing. If you withdraw everything we have been working for all these years will vanish." I had needed the motivation to get out of my funk and once he was physically gone I threw myself back into the business. The calls are fewer as the days pass and I know that it is only a matter of time before he is gone forever. Life will go on and even if we never meet again I will forever love him.
Kate
Adjusting to the new norm was terrifying at first and at times still is. The pressure is heightening, as the decision is a life changing one. I worry that I will make the wrong choice and forever wonder what if?
I still expect him to walk thru the door, to be upstairs making dinner or blasting heavy metal as he lifts weights. Time passes slower now, the writing has subsided and the reality is creeping in. There are pros to being on your own again and I relish in the personal time, quiet nights and freedom to come and go as I please without the riot act. I bounced back quicker than I expected, but I'm not fully recovered and may never be. He wants to get back together now, but I worry that the past mistakes and communication problems will return and I can't bare to watch him leave again, but by not even trying I worry that I am giving up on us without a fight. On the other hand it's not fair to either party to hold out false hope. Time and space maybe the wisest decision for now.
There are quirks about each that I admire and love. The thing is while I have always wanted a sensible, responsible and well-rounded partner I have found that months later what I initially thought was an ideal catch would later bother and bore me. On the other hand the daredevil men who constantly entertain me with their jokes and off the wall perspective on life will never be suitable to raise a family with.
Even in the midst of the shit storm he comforted and left me with lasting words of wisdom, "I would get up tomorrow morning and hit the ground running. Put your head down and bust your ass. Use what you already have to keep growing. If you withdraw everything we have been working for all these years will vanish." I had needed the motivation to get out of my funk and once he was physically gone I threw myself back into the business. The calls are fewer as the days pass and I know that it is only a matter of time before he is gone forever. Life will go on and even if we never meet again I will forever love him.
Kate
Sunday, September 5, 2010
The Perfect Storm
From coast to coast my name is being spoken. For some this blog is the only connection to my life and for those who personally know me it has become a religious pilgrimage.
A few days later I gradually became accustomed to the new sounds and questions. I had seen the perfect storm brewing for months, but until the day it finally hit I wasn't completely aware of what would happen in the cleanup.
I stupidly figured everything would magically work out without tears or yelling. One door had closed and another was left wide open. Suddenly nothing had a simple answer and the person I had come to respect and admire wasn't nearly as strong as I once thought. A verbal boxing match had been started and I was the prize, but in the end neither party would walk away happy.
Drama follows me and for some the soap opera life is too much to handle. Sensitive subjects and unprovoked words created a new vehicle for change. Feelings long forgotten where at the front line and as the referee I was defending both parties in some fashion. Time may heal a broken heart, but words spit across the Atlantic will never change life. It is what it is after all. Live and learn.
As the days went by I gradually let go. It wasn't fair to either of us to continue an affair that never had a future off line. Even now I'm not sure what will happen. There is a large part of me that still cares very deeply and always will. I may never get over him and I'm not sure I ever want to. It's always easier to talk about the dream fantasy until the bittersweet reality hits you. In the interim we continue to talk and he continues to be my cheerleader.
Kate
A few days later I gradually became accustomed to the new sounds and questions. I had seen the perfect storm brewing for months, but until the day it finally hit I wasn't completely aware of what would happen in the cleanup.
I stupidly figured everything would magically work out without tears or yelling. One door had closed and another was left wide open. Suddenly nothing had a simple answer and the person I had come to respect and admire wasn't nearly as strong as I once thought. A verbal boxing match had been started and I was the prize, but in the end neither party would walk away happy.
Drama follows me and for some the soap opera life is too much to handle. Sensitive subjects and unprovoked words created a new vehicle for change. Feelings long forgotten where at the front line and as the referee I was defending both parties in some fashion. Time may heal a broken heart, but words spit across the Atlantic will never change life. It is what it is after all. Live and learn.
As the days went by I gradually let go. It wasn't fair to either of us to continue an affair that never had a future off line. Even now I'm not sure what will happen. There is a large part of me that still cares very deeply and always will. I may never get over him and I'm not sure I ever want to. It's always easier to talk about the dream fantasy until the bittersweet reality hits you. In the interim we continue to talk and he continues to be my cheerleader.
Kate
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Rock Bottom
"The way to realize how much that you love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
Gilbert Keith Chesterton
I cried uncontrollably for two days, didn't eat or drink for three, slept for eighteen hours straight and when I finally woke nothing had changed and yet everything was out of place.
The chorus from the Beyonce song, Put a Ring On It played on repeat, "Like a ghost I'll be gone." Moving on means letting go of the past, but how could I when everywhere I looked was a permanent reminder of a love story? What if he hadn't walked would our relationship have started over again and eventually been repaired or would the ending have been the same? Was this a Notebook love to tell my future children about?
The routine that I once thought was boring and mundane when stripped away left me off balance. It was the little things that I took for granted that suddenly were prominently absent. What I thought I so desperately wanted wasn't nearly as rewarding after I made a deal with the devil. The daily grind slowly returned to normal, but in its wake life will never be the same. Freedom in the end is meaningless when there is no one to share it with. Yet without it I felt I was chained in a prison cell, but the truth was I had always been free.
At the end of the day now I am alone in a big empty house. My cats keep me company but the silence is painful at times. Winter will be here before I know it and I must be strong there are others depending on me.
Kate
Gilbert Keith Chesterton
I cried uncontrollably for two days, didn't eat or drink for three, slept for eighteen hours straight and when I finally woke nothing had changed and yet everything was out of place.
The chorus from the Beyonce song, Put a Ring On It played on repeat, "Like a ghost I'll be gone." Moving on means letting go of the past, but how could I when everywhere I looked was a permanent reminder of a love story? What if he hadn't walked would our relationship have started over again and eventually been repaired or would the ending have been the same? Was this a Notebook love to tell my future children about?
The routine that I once thought was boring and mundane when stripped away left me off balance. It was the little things that I took for granted that suddenly were prominently absent. What I thought I so desperately wanted wasn't nearly as rewarding after I made a deal with the devil. The daily grind slowly returned to normal, but in its wake life will never be the same. Freedom in the end is meaningless when there is no one to share it with. Yet without it I felt I was chained in a prison cell, but the truth was I had always been free.
At the end of the day now I am alone in a big empty house. My cats keep me company but the silence is painful at times. Winter will be here before I know it and I must be strong there are others depending on me.
Kate
Friday, September 3, 2010
P.S. I Love You
Going to try something new this month as SP and McD are on the outs and The Man isn't dating. So until further notice I will be the primary writer. I'm sure from time to time the rest of the Love Bites crew will return, but for now it's a one woman show.
Looking back over the last couple months I can see how SP and myself have strikingly similar thoughts. Life these days is a parallel of one another in so many ways and yet completely different in others.
The truth doesn't always set you free. I should have known what was going to happen down the line, but instead I continued to verbally and emotionally punch the one person who unconditionally loved me because I thought there was a better opportunity within reach. I was a fool and now I'm alone. I got my cheap rush and in return lost everything we had built together. In less than forty-eight hours he was gone. But, the ghost and my actions would haunt me forever.
I might never see him again, but I still hold out hope that one day he will return. I know now that he will be coaching me on for as long as I need him to. But, I don't want to move on without him, I want it to be like the old days when I was happy to just be.
"You must be strong. You can do this. I will be here every step of the way. You are the love of my life. I will love you forever. Bye Beautiful." He was gone before I returned. I never appreciated what I had sitting right next to me until all that remained was a ring and a note.
It would take months to adjust to the new reality and familiar surroundings. What had I done? What if we never saw each other again? What if this was it?
Kate
Looking back over the last couple months I can see how SP and myself have strikingly similar thoughts. Life these days is a parallel of one another in so many ways and yet completely different in others.
The truth doesn't always set you free. I should have known what was going to happen down the line, but instead I continued to verbally and emotionally punch the one person who unconditionally loved me because I thought there was a better opportunity within reach. I was a fool and now I'm alone. I got my cheap rush and in return lost everything we had built together. In less than forty-eight hours he was gone. But, the ghost and my actions would haunt me forever.
I might never see him again, but I still hold out hope that one day he will return. I know now that he will be coaching me on for as long as I need him to. But, I don't want to move on without him, I want it to be like the old days when I was happy to just be.
"You must be strong. You can do this. I will be here every step of the way. You are the love of my life. I will love you forever. Bye Beautiful." He was gone before I returned. I never appreciated what I had sitting right next to me until all that remained was a ring and a note.
It would take months to adjust to the new reality and familiar surroundings. What had I done? What if we never saw each other again? What if this was it?
Kate
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Black & White
Grand gestures either seal the deal or cover up the lies. Body language expresses more than words, avoiding contact and spending what precise time you do have together texting someone else speaks volumes. There is no excuse and if your feelings changed have the guts to say it. I would like to think I’m wrong, but I just don’t see how I can be.
I can’t hold out hope that it might work out. I must follow my heart and take care of myself; otherwise I will wake up one day and realize I made a huge mistake. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so forward, shouldn’t be jumping to matter of fact conclusions based completely on the past, but you can’t honestly tell me you didn’t notice a change.
Was it lust or passion? You tell me. There were moments when it was really great, but could it last? What’s the next move? Do we continue with the abnormal or except that maybe it was just worth a curiosity?
There are two sides to every story, my life is complicated, but you knew this from the start. You must be patient and you also must understand that I need a grander confirmation that we want the same thing and are heading in the right direction.
SP
I can’t hold out hope that it might work out. I must follow my heart and take care of myself; otherwise I will wake up one day and realize I made a huge mistake. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so forward, shouldn’t be jumping to matter of fact conclusions based completely on the past, but you can’t honestly tell me you didn’t notice a change.
Was it lust or passion? You tell me. There were moments when it was really great, but could it last? What’s the next move? Do we continue with the abnormal or except that maybe it was just worth a curiosity?
There are two sides to every story, my life is complicated, but you knew this from the start. You must be patient and you also must understand that I need a grander confirmation that we want the same thing and are heading in the right direction.
SP
Like A Ghost I'll Be Gone
Security controls the future. Maybe it wasn’t smart, maybe I should have sat him down and been up front as soon as my thoughts and feelings changed. I was chicken shit, still am, I never wanted to hurt anyone, but that is exactly what I did.
It wasn’t right and even though I was fully aware of this I continued creating a larger divide between the parties. I thought I knew what I wanted and as the days went by my heart kept pulling in my one direction, yet I couldn’t let go of what I would ultimately have to.
Life isn’t a script or revealed with the shake of a magic eight ball. When you get to the fork in the road, which trail do you take? There are no guarantees, there will never be one particular moment that stands out and makes me believe. I could be peer pressured and regret my choice in the future or I could wake up in six months or ten years and be so happy that I took a chance.
It would be foolish for me to think all will be well, that there will never be problems but if the daily existence is enjoyable than I can handle a few bumps in the road. It doesn’t matter how much I want this or that, where my life goes now is no longer in my control. I continue to tip toe around the central question and laugh it off when I don’t get the answer I want to hear or any response.
It was not as spontaneous or playful as it had been. I hadn’t given up yet, but it certainly wasn’t the same. Had the candle melted already or were we exposing a deeper side?
I wished it would work out in the end, but was it possible? I desperately wanted to know how he felt, what he wanted, if we were on the same page still. Had he given up on me? Spun my words as others have into a tale that was far from kind. It didn’t matter what I said or did to show him my feelings hadn’t changed and if anything had grown stronger. Had I been fooling myself naively hoping that it could work?
Kate
It wasn’t right and even though I was fully aware of this I continued creating a larger divide between the parties. I thought I knew what I wanted and as the days went by my heart kept pulling in my one direction, yet I couldn’t let go of what I would ultimately have to.
Life isn’t a script or revealed with the shake of a magic eight ball. When you get to the fork in the road, which trail do you take? There are no guarantees, there will never be one particular moment that stands out and makes me believe. I could be peer pressured and regret my choice in the future or I could wake up in six months or ten years and be so happy that I took a chance.
It would be foolish for me to think all will be well, that there will never be problems but if the daily existence is enjoyable than I can handle a few bumps in the road. It doesn’t matter how much I want this or that, where my life goes now is no longer in my control. I continue to tip toe around the central question and laugh it off when I don’t get the answer I want to hear or any response.
It was not as spontaneous or playful as it had been. I hadn’t given up yet, but it certainly wasn’t the same. Had the candle melted already or were we exposing a deeper side?
I wished it would work out in the end, but was it possible? I desperately wanted to know how he felt, what he wanted, if we were on the same page still. Had he given up on me? Spun my words as others have into a tale that was far from kind. It didn’t matter what I said or did to show him my feelings hadn’t changed and if anything had grown stronger. Had I been fooling myself naively hoping that it could work?
Kate
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)