Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Life in Transition

I know nothing more about life or love than any one else, I have had my heart broken and I have broken hearts. I continue to return to the battlefield of love lost and found in hopes of finding "the one," even though I don't believe there is just one person who completes me, but I would like to think that maybe there is one person who understands who I am now and excepts me and all my baggage for what it is.
What was it about him that made me want more? That made me want to jump threw hoops to be with him? I felt like a teenager in love again, but I couldn't tell if the feeling was mutual. Yes, I knew he lusted for me, enjoyed my witty and often times bizarre comments, but was there more to this "relationship" than passionate words and amazing sex?
It could have ended then maybe it should have because now I expect more and want more. It's hard to tell where if anywhere we will go from here. Silence once was golden, but these days it's haunting and paints a picture of a life in transition. I wouldn't return if I didn't have to, I would continue with this fantasy for as long as possible.
Fantasy is of course the key word here, because there will come a day when the fun will end, when the paperwork will take priority over the passion and lust until then I will dream a little dream and continue to cross my fingers thanking whomever set our life paths on the same course.
This will most likely be the last post of the month and although not nearly as active as June and July it was in so many ways a life changing period, perhaps even more so than the previous months. Fall is creeping in and the crisp cool air and changing colors mark the end of a bitter and emotional rollercoaster year. We have all taken a much needed break from the daily grind to enjoy the beautiful summer weather and as the colder weather approaches I have a feeling our thoughts will once again return to rambling posts. Here we go again; another year, another lifetime, more memories, more experiences and many more friends.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Magic Eight Ball

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." -
Marcus Aurelius

Fear consumes my thoughts at times, just like lips consume a cock. The first time was sublime, but life altered in the interim and the allure has faded. You learn as you go, was it the right move or had the view changed and the picture frame tilted?
I wasn't nervous this time around even though I had gambled everything. I didn't want to return to the box of depression and the Suzie homemaker life, but the world wind double life was coming to an end. It would be months until we met again that is we ever did. Time and distance had intensive our feelings, but once face-to-face it wasn't the same or maybe it was but never spoken. Were we already bored with one another or as we learned about the inner workings had the fantasy lost its charm?
Was it simply me or had I noticed a change in McDreamy too? Was it over before it ever had a chance or was it so real that I had to pinch myself and believe his loving words? I had opened up and a result left my vulnerable side out for a beating. Had I gambled my heart and once again lost to the house or was this the new chapter I had unknowingly been waiting for? Only time will tell where we go from here, but for now I will enjoy what little time we have together. Love, whether it strikes at sixteen or sixty always brings with it a rush that is hard to capture in words.

The Truman Show

"We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented, it's as simple as that." - The Truman Show

Is life a big joke, a Truman show on repeat? Do we do as we are told because it is politically correct or do we risk the perfectly manicured lawn and 2.5 kids for a chance at a new reality show? If we never took a gamble would life be as enjoyable? Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be the newest twist, but we have a choice to opt out and continue with the mundane.
Strangers become friends and then strangers again. If you love someone and one day wake up and notice the feeling isn't mutual do you change your perspective and commit yourself deeper to the one true love or do you bitch and moan and never agree that the falling out was the result of both parties losing sight of the end goal?
I am the star not a supporting part. Those around me believe in me and my objectives and those that don't understand will be written out of the script.
With each new experience and boundary broken I wonder which life will fit me better. I've become use to a life that for many is a dream come true, but behind the scenes is a circus of revolving characters. Then I was given a glimpse at a new ideal, one that up until now seemed out of place and reach, but once inside was magical. But perfection is never real, the honeymoon will end one day and life will go on so what's to say that in three years I won't be bored by this existence?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Running With Scissors

“What are you doing? Turn back now,“ but I didn’t. I kept walking; this life while only temporary was a much-needed retreat. Frozen in time, home stands still, I will not be judged or questioned, my mind can rest and recoup. So, why did I feel guilty for taking a siesta? Was I running away from the problems hoping that when I returned all would be right?
“I shouldn’t feel this way,” he said as we pulled up to the terminal. There was nothing I could do or say to change the way he felt. Less than twenty-four hours ago we were so happy and it was starting to feel like old times, but then the insecurities and past mistakes crept back into the present and the truth fragmented. I was torn between following my heart, which for the first time in a long time told me to run back into his arms and the twenty something party girl who so desperately wanted to be one the popular girls for a few days.
I wished he would have come with me, would have trusted me, would have believed me, but I knew this might never happen again. The truth was he might never get over the pain and I had to finally accept that he might not be waiting for me when I returned. It wouldn’t matter how many pictures I took or souvenirs I bought, it would never be enough to justify my words.
Love is a motherfucker. Oh so easy to fall in and out of, but unconditional love is rare and must not be taken for granted. One day you will wake up and wish you hadn’t foolishly let go of the one person who would jump hoops to be with you.
Had we grown so far apart that the damage couldn’t be repaired? Were we running with scissors fearing the rock and chasing the paper?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Days of Our Lives

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.“- Anthony Robbins

Nothing is, as it seems you must remember this. My post last night, "Eyes Wide Shut" wasn't meant to be taken negatively, but this morning I woke to an angry email from Mark (this is McDreamy/Devils Advocate. The sweetest, sexiest, most patient and gorgeous stud muffin. LOL) What had I said that caused the backlash? I thought we had an open agreement when it came to the blog and accepted the words written without over thinking and analyzing.
I too sometimes get caught up in the language and become insecure when I read about past love interests of Mark. The old me would have been jealous and perhaps intimidated, but I can't be bothered with the should of, could of, would of.
Just like anyone I have bad days and good days. I alternate between dark thoughts and moments of sublime happiness. There is a man waiting for me somewhere in the universe, maybe it's Mark or maybe in time he will grow tired of my physiological games. He has never done anything to me to warrant my negative words or harsh criticism and I apology for dragging you into my oh so complicated life. If this was a test you have aced it, but it never was meant to be. What I question now isn't Mark's interest in me, but rather why does someone seemingly so perfect want me?

Ghost Writer

My words leave people questioning and confused. Friends of friends want to put their two cents in on my love life and what I should be doing and shouldn't be saying. If I wanted your advice or had the concerns you have then maybe I too would be throwing out unwarranted and unsolicited ignorant thoughts. How many times must I say, "It is what it is." Please continue with your life and not attempt to get involved in a conversation you were never asked to be a part of.
Thinking back now I don't recall every actually meeting you in person. Never one to socialize with the girlfriends of the love of your life or even attempt to be interested in that part of her life. Were you jealous and insecure seeing her face light up playing dress up and putting on makeup for a night out without you?
My life in many ways parallels that of your great love as well as so many others. As I've said before you can take this blog and certain phrases and spin the stories into whatever tale you want to hear. There are three stories and four writers now on the blog, but the central topic of discussion has always been about love; what happens after you find it, what happens after you lose it and the adventures along the way.
I wish we had properly met and I wish you could have accepted the life she had before you. It killed me to see her spark die, she was never one to follow the rules, she was always the star of the show and yes she did love you and still does and I believe a large part of the reason she held on for so long was because she was afraid to let you go. Somewhat selfish perhaps but in her defense she was trying to protect you. Which turned out to not be a wise decision, but you must let her go now and accept it for what it is.
We've never asked for your approval, as you never wanted to be a part of something you consider pointless. Maybe in ten years I will be embarrassed that I exposed my life for the world to read, but at the moment I enjoy what I'm doing. At the end of the day it's only words on a screen, not a tattoo or a marriage. There are far bigger issues in your life that really should be taking priority, but thanks again.

Eyes Wide Shut

"When people who don't know you hate you, that's when you know you are the BEST."

Mark has proved his commitment to me and just a couple weeks ago this was everything I had been waiting to hear, but now that I know how he feels it’s not enough. Sure I still think about him and we continue to maintain a long distance relationship, but in recent days I have found myself losing interest in the chase. He is not a part of my daily life and as hard as I try to make believe he will walk in the door or one day always be there I also can’t bank on this ever happening. I’ve been distancing myself and my feelings from what was and possibly will continue to be something great.
He had come into my life at a time when I was longing for a distraction, but now I want more. I had fallen hard, to quickly and gotten caught up in the flirty banter and dreamy promises. I would like to believe that there is something past the passionate words and lustful moments, but a part of me is still holding back and by doing so I am retreating further and further away.
I take a gamble in my fashion choice every time I walk out the door, but when it comes to gambling with my heart I’m a conservative with a history of poor decisions. Unfortunately I will forever consider all men to have the same characteristics as Andy and the rest of the JSR’s in the world. Repeatedly, Mark has tried to tell me and show me that he is not like the bad seeds I base my experiences with and as much as I would like to believe him I just can’t. This is my issue and it doesn’t matter what he does or says, but my list of douche bag moves that men have done will always be in the back of my mind.
Life is not a fairytale. I’m not a princess, you’re not my prince. And there are no fairy god mothers to make it come true. So, what does this mean for Mark and I? I know what he wants and not to long ago I would have jumped without a thought, but all I do now is over think every situation which might not be adventurous, but at this point I would prefer a drama less life and know exactly what is coming.
"In the end... you'll see who's fake, who's true and who would risk it all just for you."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Love & Life Q & A

Ok, I’m back...I haven't really had anything of quality to write about recently, but after some readers wrote a few questions, I wanted to give my perspective to their situations. These answers may not be correct, but I can relate to many of you as well. So let me give this a try and see how it goes.

(1). Cheating on your significant other with your same sex. What’s your view on how that affects the relationship? [[I.e. girl cheats on guy with another girl while stone drunk]] Well...let me start by saying I HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH THE SAME SEX NOR WILL I EVER. But I can relate to exactly what happened, plus adding more to it. Here goes a few stories that happened to me: I dated two different girls on two different occasions (a few yrs apart), they were close friends, and both knew I had dated the other. Years later we were all at a party together and one of them mentioned "I was wondering if you would do me a favor. I know you dated @%*%^$ and we dated as well, but I would love to be with her too. Would you want to help me get with her by doing a threesome?"...It took me weeks to think over this offer. NAA, It didn't even take me a second!!! Hell yeah!! Every guys dream! So we did it, but many issues came up. If you think these things work perfectly you are incorrect! They sound fun, but they never work out how you dream them. One says you're giving the other too much attention; the other wants things different, and so on. I will elaborate at a different time maybe. The whole process was fun to me, but after the event, neither of the two girls were as close friends as before.
Second story: I once dated a girl who I knew was bisexual. When I first met her, I thought it was cool to watch (and kind of turned me on) but as time went on, it was actually cheating and hurt. I knew what I was getting into when we first got together, but after time, I really liked her and it sucked! It was unfair and when I said "you can do it, why cant I?" it seems it was a one-way road. I would assume the only way this would work is if you didn't really give a shit about them, which happened later.
Third and very important: THE THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IF SOBER. These bisexual thoughts came to you way before this night, and you actually used the "stone drunk" for an acceptable excuse. Let me ask all the women this: have you ever heard you're boyfriend say this [WARNING EXTREME LANGUAGE USED TO PROVE A POINT] Boyfriend says” when watching a football game while STONE DRUNK I reached for the bag of chips and my buddy moved the bag and I grabbed his cock instead...then while holding his cock, he started sucking me off and I slipped, and his hard dick went in my ass.........HELL NO!!! No guy would ever do gay shit if he hasn't thought about it before!!!! So by saying you were drunk, was your way of feeling better. Sorry but true. We tend to do things we have always had in our minds and let out inhibitions loose.

Next: what are your views on breaking up with someone and still remaining friends? Is that possible? This is a question only you could answer. It depends on your feeling towards this person, and theirs to you. I have done it many times and actually have a ton of ex's on my Facebook. We talk frequently, hang out from time to time, and think we are closer now than when we dated. I have once found that you can judge someone through how their relationship is towards their ex's. No one I have dated hates me. Well, maybe a few, but I talk to 80% of them on a friendly level.

Falling head over heals for a guy you have so much in common with after knowing him for 2months and him liking you the way you like him but he has a girlfriend with a crumbling relationship. : 3 what about that... Ha-ha. This is my love life. Teehee. Another question is should I wait for him or not... D: there are a few things wrong with this...first: how did you two become that close if he is dating someone? Think about that. Would you want to wait for someone who spends time with another person while you are dating? Another thing is that guys tend to tell women "my relationship sucks, she doesn’t do this, or that, hoping you would think what's wrong with her? When in fact he created this whole pity party to get closer to you". After he sleeps with you, his intentions will shift. Do not ever wait for a guy who is in a relationship! If he really wants to be with you, and only you, he would break up with her. Give him an ultimatum, ether you break up with her, or I am not going to hang out until you do.

What about a boy and a girl who have been friends practically since birth but somewhere along the line the boy falls in love with the girl. Only he doesn't tell her. However he does start making passes at her when they are old enough to date. He holds her hand and even tries to kiss her but she never always shies away. She feels obligated to hold his hand because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. However, she makes it clear that she doesn't like him in that way. He is very persistent. Finally when she tells him that it's not going to happen he tries to make it seem like she was leading him on. Then he feels the need to make all of his facebook posts about love and relationships, bashing girls and the like. Well, I don’t know the whole story and how far things have gone between the two of you, but you did lead him on a little. I know you feel bad, but giving in shows you care. Guys try and try until either something happens, or it doesn’t. The reason he is bashing you is because he was truly hurt. Many of us, when hurt, want others to feel the pain we feel as well. If you don’t want him that way, just don’t give in....EVER!

This one touched me the most:
I cry my self to sleep to. I wish life wasn’t hard, why dose it have to be hard? Why cant we all be skinny and live in huge mansions and have fast cars. A life with out being judged by what u where or how much you weigh. But no I can’t be beautiful or skinny I can’t get a pair of shoes whenever I want. People seem to not care if they say something bad to someone like "your fat" "your ugly" "your a loser" no one cares. I want to stand up to bullies and preppy queen bees. These are some of the reasons I cry oh and when your grandparents and parents call you fat. Ha I'm crying right now. This is for the people who feel what I feel to know how it crushes you. I'm done...Wow! I was pissed when I read this! Not at you but at the way some people judge others. I am going to try to write a whole post dedicated to you. You are not alone and I can honestly say I have been on both sides of this spectrum. Keep your head up, and know you are a better person than those who post judgments upon others. If you ever want to stand up to these losers, call me. I have your back!

Dating a married guy? Why? And he will never leave the wife... No matter how much "p" you put on him! All it does is mess with you emotions and damages your self-esteem. I finally let mine go after three years.... Don't know what took me so long. Now I'm sorry and ashamed for dating a married man, but am happy that I finally realized "he" did not make me happy I make me happy. I will be ok! Scenarios like this happen all the time. If you give him what he wants, he will never have a reason to leave her. Sometimes people do leave their significant others, but rarely if they are getting what they want without having to make a choice. And I must ask: why would you even want to wait for a piece of crap that cheats? He will do it to you as well!

Girl likes guy, guy likes different girl, and first girl has been a friend with the guy forever. Guy won’t even tell first girl the name of the second girl. 1st girl is pissed, friendship of 10years ruined, all because of the name of a girl he liked. Let me ask: what is so important of knowing her name? I would assume that you want to know to either say something, or sabotage their relationship. Just because you were friends forever doesn’t mean he must tell you everything. The fact that he is protecting her name tells me he is a good guy. He likes her and doesn’t want you to get in the way.... We look forever for someone to be with, let him be happy! I know you are hurt, but move on, he really likes her. I am sure he will tell you one day.

I could give my perspective all day long, and even write a blog on each, but there are always three sides to every story. (Yours, his & the truth) many of us are judgmental when hearing stories from our friends when something is going wrong in their relationships. Rarely do we hear everything, but we sure do choose sides. I enjoyed reading your comments/questions and if there were any other topics you wanted my perspective, I would be glad to give it.
The Man

It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost Than To...

Probably the one woman besides my mother that has influenced my position on love was Alyson. Although we were not together for eternity, it was certainly what I believe most people long for. She wasn't your typical lady. She was quiet and seemingly shy, but at the same time an adventurer and surfer. She was a foot shorter than I am and gorgeous. As labeled by others, we were an "interracial" couple, something that I had never really thought about when we were together. In a recent conversation, I brought up this idea of interracial relationships with her. Like me, she had sometimes seen some stares when we were together, but never gave them a second thought. One common thread was that we did not sweat the small stuff. She had a way of focusing all of her energies on us. Not that it was a chore our relationship, but we were always strapped for time. The little time we had, we would jet off to another city for a couple days just to have dinner. There was always something planned, even if it was just lying in bed on a Sunday morning reading the newspaper. One thing about us was that there was compromise and understanding. She thoroughly enjoyed surfing, so some of those weekends were spent jetting off to a beach so that she could spend the day surfing. Although I had boogie boarded in my youth, surfing was my thing. There was this sense of satisfaction to see her run out of the water, surfboard in hand, completely exhausted. Her first words were always, "Sorry, I know you must have been bored out of your mind". But I wasn't, it was a chance for me to catch up on some work, and know that she was having the time of her life battling those waves. Plus, racing RC cars was never her "thing" either, but she resisted the urge to call my hobby childish. We believed that life was short, so live it to the fullest, there was never a day that we could call boring. Our relationship ended because our careers took us in two opposite parts of the world, we were left with memories and lessons in life.
What were the things that made it work so well?
Adventure: Never forgetting the little things, never the same dull routine, treating each day like it was your last. There was no need to look outside our relationship; we were having too much fun rediscovering each other.
No insecurities: We knew where we stood, no one could get between us, and we were engrossed in each other.
It reinforced that it was important to live life, enjoy each other. As is with everything, whatever you put in you will get out. If you spend your time ignoring your other half, taking for granted that she will always be there, you will awake to a brutal reality. Don't even try to blame it on others, you are to blame. Can you honestly say that you have given it 110%? After you got the girl, did the chase stop? I am by no means perfect, but I know why my relationships ended, and all but one ended on good terms.
Believe me my long distance lover, we are here now and there is no looking back. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I was never a fan of fairy tales so I can't say how it will end. What I will tell you is that we will enjoy our time together, and we will forge many memories. The time is now, let's do this.
Devils Advocate

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Fractured Identity

Turns out writing about pain is a whole lot easier than writing about happy events. I hoped the words would continue to effortlessly flow from my mind after I moved on from the heartbreak unfortunately for the moment I am at a loss for words. How is this possible? Plenty of years behind me, broken hearts and a half empty view on life and yet not a single witty thought.
The chase was long over; thinking back now there never was much of a race. There was an instant attraction, love at first sight he said. We fell into a married routine effortlessly, which initially was a dream come true, but as the years past I lost sight of who I was pre coupled. I missed the chase, the lust, and the freedom and now I felt confined.
Unknowingly we had made the business relationship priority and as a result had bargained away our personal one. I assumed we were on the same page and while not an ideal situation I was content being more like roommates than lovers at least for the time being. I couldn't blame him for being afraid to talk to me during my moments of rage and hostility. Yet, because he never tried I grew more resentful and angry. As a result I gave up too and let what was left of a once intense love affair float away.
Where did the passion go? Was this what settling down meant? Four hours together everyday outside of work in which all we did was eat dinner and watch reruns of Law and Order, sitting right next to one another yet barely talking and drifting further apart.
What followed months later was not right. Yet, for some reason it didn't seem nearly as criminal as it was. But, then again maybe my views on what is right and wrong are fractured and by following my limelight vision I was letting go of the person I once was. But, she was never the image I was happy being. I wanted more and I foolishly didn't care or think about the domino effect of my actions or words. Why did I think it was right? Furthermore why did I let it go this far? Maybe I had evolved into the person I said I would never become, but the truth is I've always known which fractured identity would dominant in the end. Who you thought I was and who I portrait myself to be are the same it just depends what you choose to see.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Dear Superfly Love Guru

Collectively all of the Love Bites gang has unexpectedly taken an end of the summer hiatus from writing. The leisurely August days and daily grind have been preoccupying our minds. If we were obsessed with the quantity of monthly posts rather than the quality our words would eventually lose meaning and get lost along the way. At some point I figured our writing bug would come to a halt. So, last night we posted a blurb on the Love Bites fan page asking our readers for topics to discuss. Almost instantly we received a bunch of compelling personal stories and questions about what to do in love.
Initially when I glanced down the lengthy list of comments a few stood out.

One reader asked: "Does love end just because you say good bye?"

True love never dies, however being in love with someone does not guarantee that they will remain a part of your life. Sometimes love isn't enough and other times the mutual love shared for one another is so strong that it's best to end happily then die a painful death.

Reader #2: "Falling for someone many miles away that you haven't even met and getting hurt by them too."

The Internet unknowingly sets us all up for failure. When we attempt to find love or the next best thing online we tend to let our guards down more often and expose more intimate personal thoughts about ourselves to strangers. Over time we begin to trust these people and cling to their words for encouragement or inspiration. From experience, in the case of romantic interests in cyber land it's all to easy to fall harder for a person we have never met because we believe we are the only one and that they seek a new life with us regardless of what plans may have been discussed. Another factor to be aware of is that some people create a firewall around their real life persona. Brad Paisley wrote a song called "Cooler Online" from which the lyrics are eerily similar to the way M was. I would later learn that he was merely playing out his fantasies of the life he wanted to have in his online chats and I was stupid enough to believe the lies. I will give him props for creating a fractured facade of the ambitious cocky bachelor. I was suckered in by the mysterious allure and a decade later was once again. In the end though I finally got to see M for the loser he always had been.

Reader #3: "What are your views on breaking up with someone and still remaining friends? Is that possible?"

It's a nice thought to think that once the romantic relationship is over two people can remain friends, but it's never that easy. First it depends how the breakup ended. Was it a mutual decision? Did someone cheat? Were you bitter or resentful? Would you be jealous if your ex started dated again? (Remember the awkward Big and Carrie attempt at friendship) If you truly are no longer in love with this person and still enjoy their company strictly as a friend then go for it, but if you have even a sliver of passion left for them run away before you ruin what is left.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


"Be daring, be different, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers..." — Cecil Beaton

It's been far too long since I wrote a witty post about the JSR mascot, MF. Life these days is far grander than I ever could have imagined. When we started this blog back in April we weren't hoping for fame or fortune. Five months later, the heartbreak and pain are long gone, but the writing bug is in full swing. Over 11,000 Love Bites groupies and the love continues to pour in.
You didn't really think we were done yet did you? The inner circle is far deeper than you will ever know. I continue to be amazed at the level of stupidity and the lacking degrees of separation. I had planned to write a sarcastic blog earlier this month in honor of the second anniversary of a particular nameless couple who just so happen to go by the initials CF and MF and coincidentally also live in the sunshine state. Happy Anniversary Looney birds!
Marriage is binding promises each partner in a couple makes to the other during a wedding ceremony. In the traditional form marriage; with a piece of bling, a white dress, brides maids, rehearsal dinner, reception, garter belt, cake cutting, cheesy speeches, lucky date and bouquet toss not to mention the thousands of dollars wasted on an affair that will be over in less than twenty four hours is well something I don't believe in or understand. Why are all these events customary standard protocol in order to say "I Do"? Yes, I get that it's suppose to be this super happy and life changing day, but don't you think there is something just a bit odd with all the fan fair and bridezilla drama? If you are looking for luck by choosing a cute number pattern for your wedding day like 7/07/07 or 8/08/08 you must subconsciously already know something isn't right. There is no such thing as luck; life is already written we just haven't gotten to the next page.
Wedding anniversaries disturb me even more so than the ceremony itself. Why is it that once a year on the anniversary of your wedding day couples are to celebrate the day they signed a contract with the state? Is it to say to the world,” Look we made it one more year without stabbing each other"? Why just one day a year to justify your commitment to grow old together in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer?
If you love someone and mutually decide to be exclusive for eternity then go to town hall, your chances at lasting the test of time are far better.
Thanks so much guys for the continued support and love.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Chasing The Rush

"O lovers! Be careful in those dangerous first days! Once you’ve brought breakfast in bed you’ll have to bring it forever, unless you want to be accused of lovelessness and betrayal."
Milan Kundera

Is Dr.Phil right is cheating a repetitive habit? Once you've done it are you more likely to repeat the offense? Does this say something about your personality and/or the people with whom you form relationships? Is it easier to continue telling little white lies instead of telling the truth because the reality is far less airbrushed?
Had we been clinging to hope, praying that we would wake up one day and life would return to what it once was? Some might say he thrived off the rush, was constantly chasing the next high, losing sight of the prize right in front of him because he needed a cheap trick. But, was it a perfect match? Of course there was love, unconditional loving that even when pushed to the breaking point still held on impatiently waiting for a sign. Was this a second chance to rekindle the powder romance or a much needed wake up call that it wasn't working and no amount of therapy would ever change who we were.
To think that the current state was paradise certainly does not justify actions, but as the story goes if a major factor is lacking it is just a matter of time before hide and seek.
Three quarters of 2010 has gone by and I'm starting to think it might be wise to be in an eat, pray, love state of mind. At this point, I can't think of another more devastating, odd, sad or fabulous event to happen. But, I wouldn't change any of it, as I am now chasing the rush and embracing change.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Prelude To a Nightmare

"Forget what they said
You will love me the same way
Let's break the cycle

What you thought I despised sent me frantically spinning into the sky
Like we're facing off with our nightmares
The hero will never die

Never going the same way
Can't collide with what doesn't need a heartbeat
And I will make you believe that this look was mistook
With what doesn't need...
All together we scream

I thought this was all a part of the plan
In the end we walk out
Walk with me
Talk with me
I'll take you away from this place
As legends go we are at the end
Here's a column of my own so let's begin
Walk with me
Talk with me
This place we cannot erase

The city only breathes through you
And all the cracks that you've fallen through"

For some the daily routine is the joy; waking up the kids, chauffeuring them around town, daytime television, work, grocery shopping, making dinner, greeting the spouse, watching the nightly news, tucking the kids in. These are objectives and tasks we come to rely on as they have become expected and for some is a comfort and feeling of ease.
Some people work their whole lives at the same job, doing the same tasks, interacting with the same people and are proud that slaved decades for a corporation that quickly and effortlessly could replace them. Sure there were perks; paid vacations, health insurance, 410K, decent pay and a feeling of job security. But, the reality is everyone is just a number, some may make it higher up the food chain while others stay on the carousel.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this lifestyle and some days I wish the mundane were the dream for me. I was denied enrollment in over a dozen private schools in New York City when I was entering high school. A short-lived attempt to return to the big apple, but thanks to my wiseass remarks and alternative gothic dress I wasn't an ideal match regardless of my grades. Without thought I would happily kick a guy in the nuts, curse a stranger out and provoke a fight just for fun. That same feisty girl lives on as an adult today.
I tried rather poorly to conform to the rules and regulations set in place by society and corporate America but I'm not cookie cutter. At times I've been called a daredevil and up until recently the unpaved road was intriguing. For the first time, the unknown frightens me. I had become accustomed to particular habits and smells and even though my tolerant level for minor imperfections was low I still found comfort in knowing these things would occur.
Originally just a handful of close friends knew about the blog and as the months have gone by the readership has grown to over ten thousand followers. Funny thing is when it was just people I knew reading my words I was more conservative and reserved with my thoughts and now without a thought I happily write intimate details about my past and present regardless of whose prying eyes are spying. Hi G, C, I and J. Yes really I'm going there. I make no apologies for my words. Especially not to people who are R_ _ _ _ _ _. (First game of hangman. Can you guess what the word is? If you live in NB you know exactly what I'm talking about.)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Cry Me a River

Couples’ counseling in many ways feels like a temporary bandage to prolong the series finale. One can only hope that by talking issues out there will be fewer fireworks and less damage. For some an hour discussion with a stranger once a week will save the relationship. At what point do you muster up enough courage to call it quits? To walk away emotional beaten and bruised?
Some might argue that the end result was hundred percent my fault, that I had failed to respect the tradition. On the other side, there would be an equally vocal group of supporters pitching my reasoning. Yes, in the end it was not a wise decision for either party, but the growing mountain of evidence on my behalf would paint a story of neglect and miscommunication that ultimately with each passing day caused us to drift so far apart that by the time we realized it we were strangers.
I regret the end and many choices that lead up to that moment. I never meant to hurt anyone nor did I ever expect to wake up one day and not recognize the person lying next to me. He might not have changed, but unknowingly I had become someone else. It would be wrong to both of us to stay together just for fear of defamation.
We hung on longer than most expected, hoping that life would return to the once blissful years. It never did, maybe I never wanted it to. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

It's My Party

"Nobody knows where my Andy has gone
Liz left at the same time
Why was he holding her hand?
When he's supposed to be mine

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you

Playin' my records, keep dancin' all night
Leave me alone for a while
'Til Andy's dancin' with me
I've got no reason to smile

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you

Liz and Andy just walked through the door
Like a queen with her king
Oh what a birthday surprise
Judy's wearin' his ring

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you"

There's only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can't handle the disappointment anymore. When things change people change and it doesn't mean you forget the past, it simply means you try to move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean
giving up, it means accepting things that weren't meant to be. There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone, trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. You must do what is right for you even if it hurts. I've come to realize that in the end, cause everyone turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become.
When we began this month we briefly talked about our backgrounds and what ultimately started the blog. I skipped over the once happy period in my life, when I first met Andy and much of the fond memories of my young adult years are with him, but it seems rather pointless to go talk about the exotic vacations, the tender words, the holidays spend visiting his family, the lavish gifts, since you already know the scandalous ending. I've gotten to the point where I have tried so hard for so long to mentally block any and all memories and images of Andy that in a way I fear it would not be healthy for me to relive a past that I can't change.
Thursday was my birthday and for most people it is typically an excuse to celebrate; eat cake, drink champagne, shop, and party and for the last thirty-four years that is exactly what I've done (well not the drinking). Of course, August 12 is no longer a just a reminder that I am one year older; it has become a sad day in my calendar. As my birthday now also marks the death of my marriage, which to some might be a new reason to celebrate. I told myself that I would not like this one bump in the road sabotage another birthday and so this year I decided to celebrate my fabulous new life, in a new city with my fantastic circle of old and new friends.
But, the best present of all was when I walked into the lobby of my apartment building and McDreamy (he is totally worthy of the name again) was waiting for me with a bouquet of stunning red roses, "Happy Birthday Babe!" I was floored; no man has ever done anything quite so grand for me. The celebration ended too soon, he left early the next morning, but just the fact that he went out of his way to visit me says so much and I can't wait to see him again. Andy who? You rock babe. XOXO

Black List

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” -Robert A. Heinlein

I understand now why some people prefer to go under the radar. Drama while temporarily fun in the end is never wise to create. Some secrets are better left unspoken. Some might say it's bad karma to speak freely and in detail about something that really isn't anything. Is it wrong to be happy and want to share the love with friends and family? It depends whom you consider a part of your inner circle. I've forgotten whom my supposed friends really are, my mistake. They never really were my friends and by throwing my happiness in their faces I was setting myself up for failure. I have set the bar so high it's nearly impossible to live up to. In hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut and not acted like a carelessly naive romantic (yes, really sometimes I too fall for the fairytale fantasy). I'm rusty at the game of love and it's twisted telephone line that reaches further than I wished to know.
But, at the end of day if what you were praising and gushing about still has the same passion then it shouldn't matter what others say. Maybe they are jealous of the fact that we have moved on and blossomed not just professional, but in love. Their lives have not progressed and when I walked into the bar it felt like a time warp. The same people, doing the same jobs, bitching about the same issues and here I was one the rare few to break free from corporate America and succeed. I had fun, but at the end of the night I was so thankful that I didn't have to return.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Cyber Dating Rules

After a (not so) brief hiatus, I've decided to try this out again. I'm thinking of this as my Let's See if Online Dating is For Me version 2.0. This time I have a better understanding of how things work in this lust matrix we call a dating site. I was going to say romance matrix, but who are we kidding? With online dating, one isn't contacted or responded to unless the other person looks at your picture and thinks, "Yeah, I'd go there." So, it starts with lust, and if we're lucky, ends in romance.

Here are the "rules" of online dating that I learned and/or imposed during Let's See If Online Dating Is For Me version 1.0:

1. If someone contacts you and you're not interested, it's better to just not respond. Polite "no thank yous" are rarely appreciated and just end up opening up a can of worms.

2. It's incredible just how far good grammar and spelling will take you (not just in real life).
B. When sending emails, make sure to say something that tells the person you're contacting that you actually read their profile (i.e. no form emails).

3. Pictures are better when they are candid or at least look natural. Professional-looking photos are a turn off (seriously. I took a poll), especially with those horribly tacky backdrops of...I don't know...the Eiffel Tower.... or you in your office pretending to work and not notice there's someone in front of you with a perfectly positioned camera...or you taking a picture in front of your bathroom mirror with your camera phone, posing in your bathing suit...lol. And I especially love the one in your bra, laying on you're bed (that just says "dont'cha want me, I'm sexy"). Hahahahhahaaa and then you want to know why men think of you as a sexual object. Ohh, don't post too many at the club with drinks in your hands either...it looks like you're a drunk.

4. Don't ask for personal contact info such as email address, messenger address, or to be added to Facebook too soon. It's almost always better to wait until after the first meeting for that. It looks like you're too interested (desperate).

5. Coffee/drink dates are perfectly acceptable first dates in online dating. Any daytime date works as well. They are simple and safe.

I have more, but I'll stop here.

I think I'm pretty open-minded about the type of person I would like to meet. I think a well-rounded person should have a little bit of everything in varying degrees...it's just a matter of finding the right combination. It would probably be a good idea to list a few things that I would consider deal breakers:

-Doing anything in excess (but a little is OK): drinking, gaming, drugs, partying, and other similar self-indulgences

-Inflexibility (got to be flexible) Lol.


-Beer gut

-Super picky eaters/ eat like a rabbit

-Intolerance of sarcasm and silliness (laughing / joking is the best)

And to close on a good note, a list of things that do it for me:

-Effortless sense of humor (you know those people who are funny without even trying...I wish I could be like that)


-Courteousness, thoughtfulness, consideration


-Looks great in heels (no kankels)

-Great hair

-Easy smile

First Date
On our first date, we'd be ourselves as much as possible while doing something amusing, or eating. We'd start off with small talk and I'd hope with all my heart that the conversation turns interesting and that there are no awkward silences, because that will mean we're starting to dig each other on the non-physical level as well. If there were no initial spark, we'd give each other the benefit of the doubt anyway. At the end of the date, no matter how it went, we'd be glad we met each other.

Those are a few simple rules I try to follow, but who are we kidding, we are looking at their best photos, at the best angles, and imagining how they are speaking to us as we read their emails. We have already perceived their body language, their tone, and their expressions. Internet dating is not for the close-minded, everyone has their "types" but can you actually tell if this is your "soul mate" from a few messages and a couple brief phone conversations? Doubtful.... but we sure do get our hopes up.
The Man

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Lust or Passion?

LUST –noun
1.intense sexual desire or appetite.
2.uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.
3.a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power.
4.ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish: an enviable lust for life.
a. Pleasure or delight.
b. Desire; inclination; wish.
–Verb (used without object)
6.to have intense sexual desire.
7.to have a yearning or desire have a strong or excessive craving (often fol. by for or after).

1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2.strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3.strong sexual desire; lust.
4.an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5.a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6.a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7.the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8.an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9.violent anger.
10.the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action).

It was like time had stood still and we had know each other forever. I had expected awkward moments of silence in the beginning. I spent the plane ride rehearsing conversation starters, diversionary comments to change the direction of conversation, witty comments to ease possible tension. It was almost like I was rehearsing for a motivational comic routine. The night before I examined and re-examined was I was going to wear and what I should bring, I was like a boy scout, ready for anything, preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.
Finally the moment of truth, and nothing! We slipped right into conversation, although my heart was racing, my mind was relieved. We had gone into our second date like it was our twelfth. Our first stop in our "date" was lunch, we had gone back and forth as to where we should go, and finally settled on a restaurant that was familiar to me. If asked what we discussed at lunch, I would honestly have to say that I have not the foggiest. That time was spent going between being mesmerized by her eyes and contagious laugh, pinching myself trying to confirm that I was actually there. As we walked hand in hand, we attracted gazes of many after all she is stunning. There were many conversations about us, from the valets to the bartenders. One bartender in particular, was flatteringly obvious about it. Apparently he had hit on Summer before but was unsuccessful; it sucks to be you buddy!
Our days were spent eating, shopping and flirting with each other. Like two teenagers in love, we wreaked havoc in the city with not a care in the world. The nights, fine cuisine, expensive cocktails, and passion fueled by weeks of lust. So what was it? Were we to believe those that said it would just last a couple weeks? Were we just trying to prove them wrong? Since then we have faced many challenges, my overworked corporate life that took me to Europe in another time zone did not help. What were these insecurities we were feeling? Were we drifting apart, or were our feelings for each other growing stronger? Well fear not my haters, we have already planned our next date, and our feelings are stronger than ever. We are shaping our future so please step aside. Lust or passion? A little bit of both and a whole lot more!
Mark (aka McDreamy and Devils Advocate)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Free Your Mind

‎"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope." - Maya Angelou

Replaying the last couple days one could say it was premature for me to gush about something that doesn't have a proper label. It's been only four dates but somehow we jumped ahead and are already naming offspring, half joking half seriously talking about eloping and planning to move in together. Was I crazy to be on cloud nine? To be following my heart even though I was repeating a pattern that had yet to end happily? But, unlike my past mistakes in the pursuit of love, I've never had this incredible physic feeling that continues to tell me this man is very different than the rest and that it is very possible he is my match. For the last year every day has felt like an endless date that I don't ever want to end. But, your right J the biggest obstacle very well maybe that I still can't believe you had a crush on me all those years ago and the fact that I never pictured myself in this position. But, here we are creating new fantasies and making dreams come true.
Yes, you read the words correctly, get off the floor A. Never a dull moment in my world and I wouldn't have it any other way. You may have worked your whole life trying not to create drama, but as you said a few weeks ago you put yourself in the middle of the drama. If the prize wasn't worth the sacrifice I doubt you would still be talking and plotting with me.
Definitely in for a beating after once again disobeying the rules. Truly didn't intend to break the sacred code of personal privacy, but in certain cases it must be. There will be no more details. Think what you want, say what you want, you will never know the whole story.
"Be color blind, don't be so shallow. Free your mind and the rest will follow" - En Vogue

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Definition of M - High Risk Loser

Sex is always complicated, isn't it? I talk to women about sex and relationships, and the most common complaints I hear from women about men are:

"If you sleep with a man right away, he thinks you're too easy and doesn't call you again. If you turn him down, then he feels rejected and doesn't call. You can't win either way. “Once you have sex with a man he starts to lose interest because the challenge to seduce is over".
Now is a good time to dig deep, and ask yourself why you want to sexualize your relationship with this man. It's always good to take a moment to reflect and process your feelings before impulsively jumping into a sexual situation.
You can start out by trying to determine what kind of man you're dealing with. Analyzing a man’s “risk factor,” which will help you to reduce your chances of having a bad experience, could do this. Remember, I am breaking "man laws" by telling you these secrets, but I am trying to help you understand us as well.
Although you can never predict what a person's going to do, there are obvious red flags you must be mindful of. So, be alert and be honest with yourself when you are trying to determine a man's motives and/or character. It's good to think positively, but in this case a little skepticism and a touch of paranoia might be healthy in trying to protect you from getting hurt. Sometimes your instincts can tell you if a man is dangerous and a user. Don't be afraid to go by your gut feelings.
If a guy has a high risk factor, he will most likely demonstrate one or more of the following personality characteristics: He’s unreliable, he has lied to you at least once, he’s not punctual, he’s mysterious, he’s elusive, he calls inconsistently, he’s emotionally and/or physically unavailable, what he says doesn't always coincide with his actions, and his phone is most likely on silent while you are together...ask him something silly about his phone, just to see if it's off. (Sometimes a sign of a player) But also it could be out of respect.
If a guy has a low risk factor, he will most likely demonstrate one or more of the following personality characteristics: he's consistent, he calls often, he's available, he's punctual, he's trustworthy, his actions match what he tells you, and most of all...he never pushes the issue of sex! And most importantly, it only takes a minute a day, (no matter how busy) to send a "thinking of you" note/text/call.
Any man who truly cares about you're feelings will understand when the time is "right". But with this said, there is also a million ways to show you care but are just not ready for the "act" itself. The reality is that, no matter how wonderful things seem on the first or second date, this is not enough time to deeply care about someone. And sex without deep caring might be a physically satisfying experience, but it is flat emotionally and spiritually. It will almost always leave both people feeling like something was missing. Without love and caring, it is easy to move on to another person, another conquest. Only you will know when the time is right...Take your time, you really shouldn't be in any hurry. But it does feel REALLY, REALLY GOOD!!!
The Man

Another Lesson Learned

It is always wise to establish a border of privacy and protection because you never know when the momentary goof and playful dialect will come back to bite you in the ass.
The level of anger and bitter hatred always increases when directed towards a former love. An escalating boxing match of words sucker punching back and forth until one person finally falls down. Stupidly in those fits of passion we carelessly overlook the bridge behind us going up in flames. Never thinking twice that one day in the future we will need to cross back over.
The humbling apology is too little to late. It may temporary mend the burnt remains but the ashes will ultimately fall down.
No one wants to be force feed happiness. Everyone's definition is different and it is both childish and ignorant to accept what isn't true to you.
I must now face the consequences of my poor choices of words. Clearly I never thought we would meet again, but in times of sickness old friends must forgive and move past the pain and anger in order to celebrate life and give back to those in need.
Awkward is in understatement thankfully the fully stocked rendezvous and reunion will preoccupy. So much for secrets, by the weekend we will be the newest piece of juicy gossip at the kitchen table.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

One Is The Loneliest Number

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know
`Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two"
- Three Dog Night

Once again I find myself in a not so pleasant situation. I thought everything would magically work out, instead my poor choice of words has gotten me into a huge mess. I wish I could go back and erase, but I can't. I feel as if I was playing a game of musical chairs and when the music finally stopped I was the only one left standing. There once were two and now there are none. For the best I must believe. I had been intoxicated by the dream and now I was in rehab to numb the pain.
One really is the loneliest number, but at least when you finally are alone you can't royally fuck up anymore. I have always gone straight from one relationship to the next without a break. But, I need to be alone, I feel like I'm drowning when I allow people to get close. Yet, once they leave I miss their company. How could I so stupidly be thinking about up rooting my life for a sliver of a chance at something that might never be? If I go it's for me and no one else, but maybe now I have an endless selection of destinations instead of just one narrow minded one.
Life will go on and I will continue to learn as I go. I will remember fondly the happy moments and attempt to forget the bitter ending.

Let Your Guard Down

"The art of being a woman is the ability to make a man believe he can dominate. A slight thought of commitment that we've yet to consummate. As we go through life we see there is so much that we don't understand. How a woman can catch such strong feelings for the least expecting man. A plethora of heartbreak causing neglect and pain. What could usually be repressed can no longer be contained.I've been picking up the pieces of someone else's mess. I've come to the conclusion that you're different from the rest.I can usually hide it, but with you its just so hard. We have potential I can feel it, babe just let down your guard. I know that you've been hurt,I feel your pain its true. But, babe give us one shot and I promise I won't hurt you.I'm not usually the one to catch feelings sit and wait, but something about you puts me in a kind of vulnerable state. This is somewhat hard for me, I'm not usually the one to sit and twiddle my thumbs waiting on anyone. I don't usually say this and I've played my last card. I could make it worth your while if you just let down your guard."

Not really sure how to proceed after being thrown under the bus for the last few days on here. I was surfing the web earlier trying to find an inspirational quote that would ease the tone and lower the drama, instead I came across this poem with no author and while I'm not typically one to read poems or display my feelings publicly who I am these days as a result of meeting Summer is not my norm. I haven't told any of my male friends that I write on a blog first off because well they would think I was pranking them and also because if it does end given how Summer seems to think we are doomed from the start I don't want all my close friends reading intimate details about me on here. Which given the last half dozen entries is precisely the road I don't want to go down.
But, as I have always said from the start I am very much interested in Summer and yes even after the lovely choice words she called me I still feel the same way. Was this a test to see how I would react when pissed off? I'm not Andy or any other ex so don't put me in the asshole column just yet. Don't I deserve a real chance and if in the future we do decide not to go further with the relationship then I would at least hope we can end on good terms as civilized adults instead of publicly bashing one another in a childish manner.
Mark or Devils Advocate
(apparently I'm not worthy of the McDreamy title anymore)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Misunderstood Forgiveness

"Forgiveness really is so misunderstood, as well as the power it can release in an individual."
- Jennifer O'Neill

Can someone please smack me? I should know better than this. Why did I ruin something that had barely blossomed? Maybe I wasn't ready or was too afraid to trust someone at face value. Have I really been that traumatized that I didn't even realize that my words and actions were pushing away the one person who had made me feel whole again?
Mr. Darcy (aka McDreamy) and I chatted for a while today and I can't blame him for being mad at me, for now rethinking his feelings towards me. It's my fault if he walks away now and there isn't anything I can do to change this. What is done is done.

"Don't take this the wrong way...I am still very much interested in you...but the bashing on the blog I don't think is right.... we have a six hour time difference and I've been preoccupied with work and business dinners." - Mr. Darcy

"If I've freaked you out or pissed you off I apology. It was poor judgment all around on my part. I will just say this, I never expected for really anything to happen so I went in with low expectations (I don't mean this in a bad way just so I wouldn't be disappointed) instead I was blown away and as corny as it sounds swept away by basically everything not only said but gestures. So there I think I've said too much. I would like to see you again if you can forget the last few days." - Ms.Jones

Sweet dreams,

Let's Try This Again

“Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely remember it’s true, someone somewhere is thinking of you.”

Maybe he was right and there was nothing to worry about. He simply was very busy and it wasn't that he lost interest in me, but just that he was tired after a twelve-hour workday and thought that I understood. "Nothing has changed. I still feel the same way about you that I did last week. If it was just about sex, I could get find it here if I wanted. I thought I had put all the cards on the table and showed you that I was serious. Why do you think I had been pushing to see you?" Hearing McDreamy say this was a relief in a way, on the other hand I fear I might have rained on the honeymoon. Think we should change his nickname to Mark Darcy like from Bridget Jones Diary. Which would make me the fabulous Ms. Jones, writing in a diary, drinking, smoking, and running in the rain in my underwear. Well not the last one, but it is rather ironic that I am writing in a dairy and that my ex is very much like Hugh Grant's character, Daniel Cleaver and the whole awkward naked moment with the mistress. I just hope Mr. Darcy (aka McDreamy and Devils Advocate) doesn't wear hideous holiday theme sweaters.
Have I unknowingly given Mr. Darcy a test to see how he reacts when thrown a curveball? If he isn't scared off by now, then he must be seriously interested in pursuing me and also completely crazy because of this.
Maybe it wasn't best to open the floodgates and over expose and embellish on what is still a very new and budding flirtation. Let's try this again. It's nice to meet you Mark my name is Summer. "I'm complicated, sentimental, lovable, honest, loyal, decent, generous, likable, and lonely. My personality is not split; it's shredded." - Jack Paar

Long Distance Dating Guide

It is hard enough to make local relationships work, but having miles, states, and sometimes even an ocean between you makes it even more difficult. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. It will survive as long as you are willing to work it out. Here's how to give yours every chance to survive and thrive.
Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. Setting parameters such as naming your relationship (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged) as well as defining exclusive (limited to one person) or non-exclusive. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?" or "What are you looking to get out of the relationship?" Stating your end goal or ideas will allow each person to maintain what they need.
Do things together. Defy the distance. As a long distance couple, it's important to do other things together besides the usual phone call. In a long distance relationship, interaction over the phone can become dull in the long run. Incorporating other forms of interaction is important. Just think... People in short-distance relationships do not spend the majority of their time talking, but rather doing things with each other. Try to replicate this by finding things to do together such as watching a TV show or movie simultaneously.
Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Remember that e-mail and even instant messengers can increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality.
Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality—something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match-or someone else is a better match-your relationships ends, whether you live three thousand miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.
Try challenging each other. This is not the same as being controlling. You may find that you can do things for each other that you couldn't quite find the motivation to do on your own. Perhaps you could motivate yourselves to get some exercise or to cook better or more often. It will give you something to do while you wait to see your partner again, and it will give you both something to strive for and talk about until then.
Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.

Remember: Things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.

Visit often. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone call. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some "rules" about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them. Consistency can help a long-distance relationship survive.
Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship, you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worthy of trust until proven otherwise. Don't fall in the trap of interrogating your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven't met or he/she didn't get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a long-distance relationship doesn't mean your lives will pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure, it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive, but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves.
Be positive. Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a long-distance relationship is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive point is that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, to communicate better since you don't have "face-to-face" time and to test (and express) your feelings. As long as you see the long-distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too.
Give them a personal object of yours so in a time of need, when they miss you, they are able to hold on to something that once belonged to you. This will provide comfort, happiness, and the thought of being with you.
Work towards a balanced relationship between partners. A relationship must be built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that the relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about. But don't forget to ask some questions because if you don't, your partner may start to think that you're losing interest.
Create your own set of relationship standards that both of you have mutually agreed upon. That creates a common goal for you to work towards, developing a strong relationship whether you are together or apart. For example, agree to disagree, accept each other as you are, practice trust and honesty, strive towards compromise and self-sacrifice, seek spiritual unity, and maintain open communication.
Remember that you're still in a relationship. You HAVE to be there for your partner. If you're partner is ever in trouble, or hurt, or whatever, you have to be there for them. And sometimes, distance permitting of course, that means being actually, physically there for them. You aren't having a cyber-relationship.
The Man

I Plead The Fifth

"A writer who is in a hurry to be understood today or tomorrow runs the danger of being misunderstood the day after tomorrow." - Johann G. Hamann

I plead the fifth. It doesn't matter what age I am, I still revert back my insecure teenager years when I am interested in a man. If there isn't a problem, I create one, because I figure it's too good to be true. But, what if it is genuine and innocent? Do I fear ideal so much so that I go out of my way to butcher the beautiful reality?
Some thoughts are better left unsaid and definitely shouldn't be broadcast on a blog that a particular man religiously reads. I blame it on the bartender last night for the seriously addictive Jolly Rancher martinis. But, the central issue is still the same today as it was yesterday. I worry now if I said too much and exposed too much of my soft side. But, these are relevant concerns and questions and as the days go by I worry that I put all my eggs in one basket and the bunny robbed me blind.
So now all I want to hear and need to hear is the brutal truth. No neutral answer. I don't care what time it is or how many meetings are scheduled that day. If you are still interested you will find the time to say hi. I don't think I'm asking for much, but maybe I am and if that simple task is too much then you have answered my question and I'll walk away now no love lost.

It's Complicated

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'That's her.'"

A minute after I posted my blog last night, McDreamy emailed me. Not sure what I was hoping to hear given the email I had sent him earlier in the day. A part of me was relieved that he responded, but a bigger part was questioned his answers. Why was the distance and time zone change (he's in Europe right now) suddenly the reason I hadn't heard from him. Given the fact that in the past it didn't seem to matter how busy he was or what time zone he was in we were still able to chat frequently during the day.
Had I been concerned for no reason? Is it too late now? Have I gone overboard with my feelings and doubt?
I expected to have a message waiting for me this morning, but again nothing. I really don't know what to make of the mixed signals. Have a created a situation when there never was an issue? Ahhhh...why is everything so complicated and dramatic?

Friday, August 6, 2010

Stupid Me

Does sex make it impossible for men and women to be true friends? Why did I let myself believe that he was different than the rest? I hate playing games I never win. If it was just a short-lived fling be honest. This isn't me, I'm not the type to obsess over a guy, yet these days I'm attached to the computer. Checking my emails a zillion times a day and still nothing. No word from McDreamy, (thinking of a new nickname. Definitely need to change it.) It’s been almost twenty-four hours. Which in the scheme of things doesn't necessarily mean anything, yet it feels large on the small screen. It was just a couple weeks ago that we were racking up the minutes talking and exchanging over a dozen emails a day. Now, not a peep.
It would be stupid for me not to think it's over. What was I thinking becoming so emotional attached to a person I barely know. I loved the attention, the compliments, and the witty one liners. I thought there was potential for something serious and he confirmed what I wanted to hear. But, now I feel like a fool, how stupid of me to believe anything a man says. It's all a funny game with zero consequences for them.
I'll admit I had fun. I enjoyed the chase, the not so PG late night conversations. For the first time I was happy about the future and had began to let my guard down. Was it too much too soon? Whatever happens or doesn't happen between us, I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. I have learned from this experience and I'll be sure the next time to slow down the pace, not allow my current love interest to write on the blog, because one day they might be an ex, but their words will forever be carved on the walls. Can't wait to explain that to the next suitor.
Here's a thought, don't get pregnant, don't get married, don't get into debt and you'll be fine.


I've been in a weird place the last few days. Wondering what awaits in the future and how I will go about getting there. This isn't the first time I've been in a funk for no apparent reason. I remember when I came back from my Aunt's funeral I spent the next week reorganizing and painting in an attempt to preoccupy my mind with the simple task at hand half hoping that the answer to a puzzling question would magically pop into my mind and half hoping that the problem would disappear if I continued to avoid it.
For the last few days, I have found myself in the office doing summer cleaning. It had been on my list of things to do for months now, but I had always pushed it off for another day. After two full days I had filled two garbage barrels and broken the paper shredder, but at last everything had a new home and I even found my passport. Next on the list, painting the office floor a beautiful shade of cement gray. First coat is down and I'm starting to feel better. After I finish painting then I will move onto tougher decisions.
It hit me today as I was painting in the office, I was avoiding answering the same question I had been asking M all those months ago. I was fearful of telling the truth because it wasn't pretty and also because I just wasn't sure what the answer was. I now wonder if M ever knew the answer to my question or if he too had simply been avoiding responding because no words would make the situation better.
I feel myself being pulled in two very different directions and I'm at a loss. Cold feet and prudence peeling away the romantic illusion. Have I become to cynical to ever believe there once was beauty in his words?

Die Another Day

Work has been preoccupying the majority of McDreamy's days. I had quickly become accustomed to our daily chats and emails, but in the last couple weeks it has all but ceased. We still talk at least once a day, but it's not like it once was. The conversations while friendly and entertaining are tiptoeing around the central issue.
I don't want to say it's over, but I have to come to terms with the fact that maybe the distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but rather makes it convenient to forget. I came across a blog yesterday written by a friend of The Man's, www.highwaytoahusband.com. While reading a few entries, I came across a line that stood out, "I have also been told (by plenty of men, no less) that when a man is seriously interested in a woman, not time, nor distance, nor the highest obstacle will deter him from making her his." No frills, just the brutal truth and after re reading the sentence a few times I sat back and thought about all the grand gestures McDreamy had made for me and all the sweet words he once spoke. Had I been over thinking this brief lack of communication or was there something more to it? Had he lost interest in me? Was I just another conquest?
I am more aware of little changes in people now. Whether or not they have meaning, I question their motives and myself more intensely. For my own personal well being, I must step back and not allow myself to get swept into the fantasy. After all dreams only come true on the silver screen.

Love's Divine

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationship we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. Growing up I always figure I would one day have two adorable, blue eyed, strawberry blond children, but now I find myself questioning the imaginative thought. I grow up in an area that can best be described as waspville. With the exception of a handful of people, the majority of the population were white meat. In my graduating class there were three Asians, two African Americans, one Indian, and what seemed like five hundred blue eyed, blond haired, JCREW models.
I had never given it much thought; I just assumed white girl from a white family resulted in a white husband and kids. It wasn't that I didn't find men of a different race attractive, but rather I just never gave it a second thought. Up until now there had never been someone who caught my eye enough to give a new flavor a try and now I find myself in a complex mental debate.
My thoughts have jumped ahead; many more events will have to occur. I won't stand in the way, but I will be more critical and self-conscious. It's unfortunate that I have to consider these seemingly pointless factors, but this is the lasting impression I will be leaving behind. In the end, I will continue to follow my heart and if it one day means I'm living in Love's Divine world then so be it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Spin The Bottle

How many couples who walk thru the threshold to sit on stiff chairs and discuss their marital problems with a therapist actually last? It would seem that couples counseling is a last resort attempt to fix a major problem. Once the vicious cycle of spin the bottle starts is it too little too late? Had we entered the doctor's office six months earlier as I had requested maybe it wouldn't have gotten to such desperate measures.
It was beyond repair and I was hoping John would finally see it too. There was nothing left, we had put each other thru the ringer. My feelings were confirmed during that first session. There would be one more attempt to piece back together the once loving relationship, but the more that was spoken the further we grew apart. Ultimately the decision was made for itself. It was all to clear there was nothing left, we had become strangers living two very different lives.
I wanted to explore the world and live a life without a chain around my neck. I had become a prisoner in my own home. Every action questioned, every keystroke watched by the hawk. The more he spoke about how happy he was the more anger and distant I became. How could he possibly think this was sublime happiness? It was so far from perfect let alone tolerable that I burst out laughing. Seriously I thought you have got to be out of your freaking mind to think this relationship is even close to ideal. If you saw that I wasn't happy for all those months why not say something? Because the silence leaves everything up to misinterpretation.
Procrastination only prolonged the painful goodbye by another day. You don't realize how much stuff is dividable until it must be sorted and boxed. I knew the long road ahead wouldn't be easy, but I also knew that everyday I was stuck in this life I was quickly losing myself.
I would get brief glimpses of the person I once was. But, she had been hanging in the closet for months now collecting dust. Spin the bottle use to be a fun game, but now it's a bitter circle of lies and heartache.

Bitter, Party of One

WOW!!! I am amazed! 10,000 readers. Well, I guess I can't turn back now. One thing about putting yourself out there online is that: you are there forever! And Shit! Do I really want everyone to know my dirty laundry? I rarely look to see the comments any longer (I liked when I could see them on the blog), but when I heard there were 10,000 readers, I went threw a ton of the comments. I noticed it was mostly women who did the commenting, and most have been either hurt in the past, or lost in some way and trying to find answers to why they are alone.
Let me first say you may like me, or hate me, but if we work together...we will find the answers to most of these questions. At first I was somewhat brought here to try and answer a few questions, but as time went on, I started sharing some of my own experiences. I, in reality am not as crazy as I seem. I have been in a few long-term relationships in the past, and I would love to be in another. I just recently have chosen a different road to find someone I may not meet otherwise. I chose the internet...I know there are many skeptics as far as that goes...and trust me, I am one too...but given my schedule, and the type of work I do, it is just plain tough to find someone.
Many women may ask themselves "why am I single?" well, there are a million reasons; it just depends on your outlook and what you are really after. Do you always go for the same "type”? Try changing. Do you like the "flashy guys”? Well, I was one of those guys in the past, and let me tell you WE KNEW YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO US BECAUSE OF THAT, SO WE USED YOU, LIKE YOU USED US. Sorry, but true. Here are a few reasons that I think may be true.
Throughout history, a very different picture has been painted when it comes to the Single Woman vs. the Single Man. Single men are seen as "bachelors" - independent, having fun, and enjoying life to its fullest before getting "chained down" by a woman. Single women on the other hand, have long been seen as less than whole if they're not attached, lonely spinsters, and cat ladies. Hopefully by now in the age of human equality, we all know these archaic views is just that - out of date, and untrue? However, the lingering effects of deep social strongholds can die hard, and women are often the guilty ones when it comes to letting go of old, stale self-perceptions.

Reasons Why Some Women Remain Single

1. Many women are not so much ashamed of who they are, but simply unsure. When going through the dating stage of a relationship, a woman's instinct can often be to hide her personality, for fear of rejection. She waits to see how she fits into a man's lifestyle/personality, before "risking" the rejection, which she fears, could come with him knowing her true self. This results in no real connection being made, or a false connection being made with someone who really doesn't care about knowing the real her anyway.

2. Some women have no problem meeting men; they date often, but seem unable to have a lasting, committed, relationship. Often the fear of being alone motivates women to have temporary relationships with men they don't really have an intention of staying with. There is a lot of deception involved in these relationships, by using another person to temporarily fill loneliness, you self-deceive, as well as lead someone on unnecessarily. If a woman is not focused on creating a real relationship (if that's what her goal is), she may be giving off the wrong signals to potential mates, by always appearing "taken".

3. Women are notorious for "settling". Again, the fear of being alone can cause a woman to try to make a man "fit", when in reality the relationship is just not working, and really bares no resemblance to the type of relationship she actually wants to have. Women tend to get emotionally attached quickly, and find it difficult to distinguish between attachment based on fear, and actual love.

4. Addictions, such as alcohol, food or drugs, can also create the appearance, or "vibe" that a woman is taken. If her life centers on her addiction, there is no room for love with someone else.

5. Past loves. Sometimes there is an on-going and unhealthy attachment to a past love, which prevents a woman from truly moving on, and being able to commit. Even if there's no chance of the relationship rekindling, the guilt, sadness or anger she carries around is what's stopping her from moving on.

We often ask ourselves, why am I still single? What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to love me? The answer of course, as always, is look within, and figure out what you are doing to hold yourself back. It's not about being an undesirable person, but about letting the wonderful person you are shine through so others can see. Blaming or projecting onto others is natural, but only results in a delay of growth and progress.
I actually know some of the reasons I am single, but can I change the person I’ve been transformed into? Of course I can...
The Man

Follow The Yellow Brick Road

Back to the changing room to confess more dirty little secrets. My thoughts tend to jump around from the past to the present. But, it is of course as a result of my adventures on the yellow brick road that got me here today.
I thought I had found "the one," but he turned out to be a huge mistake. I don't want to jump the shark here and say that McDreamy is "the one" because not only is it premature, but I've lost respect for the seemingly ridiculous concept.
I allowed myself to get swept into the Cinderella dream and in the end I walked away feeling more like Jennifer Aniston than Angelina Jolie. I don’t need or want a lavish wedding or safety net.
With each step forward, I feel the past clinging on and holding me back. There was a point not to long ago that I would freely jump into new relationships and not think about the possible doomed reality that was waiting just a few months down the road. But, thanks to Andy I now have reservations about jumping into a serious relationship with McDreamy. I can't bare the nightmarish ending to what is currently a blissful union. But, I would be naive not to think about the future and how after a while it would not be out of the norm for us to part ways. I've got cold feet and as each day goes by, the fear and betrayal of the past take over my thoughts and make it harder for me to freely jump. I know I will regret not trying, but then again maybe I will regret trying at all.
There will never be a magical sign that confirms what I need to hear. I don't even know what I need, if pushed I would say I want to hear a fairytale story. Even though I know all to well that ending isn't always a Cinderella dream. I had the lavish wedding, the perfect Ken doll and in the end it wasn't perfect or fabulous at all.
Perhaps one needs to experience the picture perfect life in order to see the unedited dysfunctional truth. Money can't buy you love, but to find love you must gamble with your heart which in the end will cost you some green.
If only I wasn't falling for someone who wants the fairytale, who believes in dreams and is mesmerized by the girl next door looks and sequined ruby red Mary Janes. At the end of this yellow brick road maybe there is a happy ending or just another lesson learned. Toto is leading the way and I’m running into the haunted forest to fetch.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Spiked Lemonade

"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."-
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm a bit overwhelmed with the staggering increase in Love Bites fans. 9,000 last time I checked and the first thing I thought was I wish I could see the expression on M and company's faces right now. In the end that's what this is all about, getting even and then some with the people who fucked with my life. Here's to fucking up your emotionally stable existence. This truly is the most genius way to get over a douche bag, jackass, cowardly, sewer rat.
What's the cute little line, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade," well I think we've taken that clever phrase up a few notches and made ourselves some fabulously delicious cocktails with a bottle or two of splendid vodka and we will be lovingly sharing our riches with the loyal Love Bites groupies. You guys rock!
All I've been doing on this blog is confessing my inner thoughts about past mistakes and relationships. What more can I say without really pissing off people? Like should I reveal the secret fetishes and after dark hangouts of a certain Mr.JSR (aka M)? We could play hangman and spell out M's real name, family photo albums, (flickr, MySpace & facebook. Just remember if wanted your life and the lives of your friends and family to remain private you never should have joined any of these networks.) Email address and phone number (these are public after all you just need to know what you are looking for). But, then I would be stooping down to their childish level and I'm wiser than that. There are far more rewarding avenues for one to continue seeking sweet, sweet revenge.
Thought I said too much already about myself, but I suppose one can never say too much. So who am I? I'm twenty-eight, self employed, currently living outside of Boston, my longest relationship lasted eight years, I'm not a girly girl, I don't follow tradition, I don't believe in prince charming and the idea of growing old with one person sounds more like a prison sentence than a dream come true. I'm a sarcastic bitch and proud to be a fun girl.
I was born in New York City, the only child of two lawyers, we lived in Park Slope until I was six at least point we moved to an affluent Westchester suburb for the best of the best public school education. Although the education system was lost on me, I never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a 9-5-worker bee. I wasn't a cheerleader or an honors student, but I wasn't a troubled child either. I kept to myself and observed those around me, I wasn't there to make friends, I was just waiting for the day I could get as far away from desperate housewives small town corruption and begin living.
I wasn't interested in boys until I got to college. Even then I was mighty picky and to some people a bit intimidating, not only by my clothing, but my body language. I had perfected the poker face at an early age, which for some men who fear rejection was a turnoff. Those that did approach and attempt to strike up a conversation were given about a minute to impress me or were quickly dismissed with a cold shoulder.
There were a handful of male "friends," over the years, but it takes a lot for me to commit myself to just one. My first real boyfriend would later become my first husband. Which we all know was not a happily ever after union. "The one" that's a whole chapter in itself.
As for now, I'm going to enjoy my spiked lemonade and call it a night.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Dirty Little Secrets

Hmmm..The thought of telling total strangers, and some who know me some of my darkest secrets is a bit scary...and I don't scare easily, so I am going to tell a little story. It may be fact. It may be fiction.
I grew up a little different than most of you. My family and me lived overseas for the first half of my life, we moved about every 2-4yrs.As soon as I met and made new friends, it was time to move again. We were most of the time driven around with guards and always had security around us if we were in public. After about 10-15 yrs traveling, we moved back to the States. I guess you could say that is why I don't get too attached or feel the pain when someone leaves you.
I/we moved to Florida and it seems like this is where I developed into the person I am today. My first day of school I was jumped by three people because I didn't want to play basketball with them. I had always grew up that fights were one on one, but not here...everything goes! And not to mention one is now a world famous UFC fighter now.
I almost got everything I wanted. If I wanted a jet ski, I got it. When tired of that, I got a boat. When I wanted a motorcycle, I got two. One for me, and the other for my friends. And I was the "new guy" in town so I had a few ladies after me as well. I had a cool car, the loudest music in the parking lot, and everything going for me. I then heard that I was getting my parents house for a graduation present. Wooohoo, I was on top of the world! Until the day of Aug 24...Hurricane Andrew. My father was overseas working while my mom and I were home alone. The Cat.5 hurricane hit and destroyed more than just our home. The next day a phone call was made telling my father "You weren't here when I needed you most, I want a divorce!" WOW!! Total shocker! My graduation present of the waterfront home was thrown away with that call. From that point on my mother and me were not too close. A year later she threw me out of the house to move her thirty year old boyfriend in full time. The business I started with her was now all mine, except for the fact she cleaned out the bank account and canceled the license. I was on my own! I found a place to rent (a storm damaged home a friend had) and continued to try to keep my head up. I was struggling just to get by, eating bologna sandwiches, staying home, and getting-.25-cent burgers just to try to get back to normal. But after talking to a friend, we were going to make a change! This was the life I had never known...And never want to feel again. They say you need to hit rock bottom before you want to change.... well this changed me forever!
Change was necessary...and boy did I change! My best friend and me were just talking one day when we started thinking...What do you think that guy does? He never works, has all the cool toys, and all the beautiful women. We made our move. We knew his good friend and started asking a few questions. We got our answer, and now it was time to see if we too could have everything he had. We became friends with him and slowly he began to trust us and tell us how the business was run. This was Miami and if you wanted anything nice and didn’t want to work hard, but take major risks, this was your job. Here, you either did drugs, or sold them. Well, not everyone...but just about everyone I knew smoked pot, so my new lifestyle began.
In little less than a year, we were making double the amount the guy who taught us made. We bought each other gifts like Rolex’s, remote controlled boats, and the biggest gold chains we could find. Yeah, I know STUPID!! But hey, we were making $200-$500 a day and all that while just riding our 4 wheelers and playing. Times were different back then, there was trust! Now there are more snitches than cops. The cops don’t even have to leave their office before another snitch comes and tells them what's going on. But needless to say, I wasn't eating bologna sandwiches anymore!
A few years passed and our original plan exploded into an enterprise, we had people working for us and we making numbers that would take 5-7 years of schooling. But as we were getting bigger, the greed was also coming out. Our friends began to use us, the women knew we were "big timers", and we started to look over our shoulders. By 25, I had 4 cars, 2 trucks, numerous amounts of race boats, 4 wheelers, lived in two different houses, and couldn't even bring my toys home, all the neighbors would have wondered what a 25yr old was doing with all that. So the mystery began. No more fancy clothes, no showing off (unless far away), and my dating life was all secretive. I wasn't allowed to say what I was doing; therefore keeping a constant girlfriend was out of the question! For years I would date multiple people so no one could get too close. Therefore I bring me to how I am today. Or so I think. As the years passed, we were on top of the world, we were envied by most, and hated by the jealous one's who were too scared to take the risk. Was I crazy? Hell yea! But who can say they had $200,000 in their closet, always at least $1,000 in my front pocket, and another $2,000 in my wallet. I knew my days were numbered so I stepped away from that circle of friends...One thing I’ve learned "if you're not with em' , you're against em' " or so they thought. I learned quickly that when you're not on top.... you’re just an average working Joe...No more free VIP tables, free bar tabs, massages two times a week, and hundreds of friends who wanted to hang. Those days were over...I walked away with my stash, a home, business, and I was to become a normal member of society. Hahahhaaa!!! Life sucked! I missed the excitement and rush. It wasn't even about the money, it became almost an addiction and I was in withdrawals! So the adventure continues...
-----To be continued---- (maybe)
The Man