Thursday, July 8, 2010

Puppet Master

For too long there was a perfect storm brewing and then one day the words no one wants to hear were spoken, “I want out." Three little words got me in and three very different words were about to get me out.
I still love him. I always will and that's what kills me. Even after all the stupid things I've done and unprovoked arguments he still loves me. I debate whether it was the right move. If I should have given it one more chance, but I had reached my tipping point.
It's unbelievably hard to walk away from someone so kind and caring, who truly is a great catch. Deep down I knew it never would work. Our priorities and goals in life would always be opposite. I wanted the dream and John was just fine with life as it was and in five or ten years he still would be fine with the same existence. I respected that humbling quality about him. He never asked for much and he didn't want anything grand. Everyday he woke up just happy to be alive. But, I wanted more out of life. I wanted to chase the unknown.
It was during one argument that I got it and once the words came out of my mouth I knew then it could never work. I had become the no string, no baggage person. Ironically, everything I had hated about M and for that matter ninety-five percent of all men who were pretending to be rock stars. Now, I was the one who just wanted to live life without getting the fifth degree the minute I walked in the door.
I never wanted to hurt John. But, time and time again I had continued to use him as my punching bag. I was the puppet master. I was the one in control of not only my destiny, but of John's and so many others. It wasn't easy, but life rarely is. I had just began to deal with this emotional hurdle when M dropped the cryptic email or what I now refer to as the bomb that blew my life into a million little pieces. To this day I don't know why something seemingly so minor became so profound and ultimately life altering. Had it been in the cards from the beginning? Or was it simply the frustrated and angry result from years of being the puppet? Whatever the reason I am thrilled with the long over due aftermath.
Nearly a year later and my life is finally coming back together. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome to a turmoil filled year. The curtain call may never came and for now I sure hope it doesn't. I have been granted the most beautiful gift of all, a new beginning.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Think before you post a comment. With that in mind, we love comments, even the rude ones and remember whatever you write on here will live on forever.