Saturday, May 15, 2010

Mission Impossible

For the rare few who caught a glimpse of this post last night, previously titled "Entourage." I was deliriously tired when I was writing this last night and when I re read it this morning I wasn't pleased. With a caffeine mind I've slightly altered the previous post, now newly titled "Mission Impossible."
Sometimes the more pointless the relationship, the more you want to fight for it or in my case, try an experiment of sorts on the man that turned my life upside down. Plan months in the making, thought out nearly to the second. Which I realize may seem a bit insane and rather pointless, but sometimes you must go to extreme measures to evict the ghost from haunting your mind. Since I don't plan on returning to Miami after this trip it's most likely my last chance to ever see the ghost in person. So I'm going out with a bang.
I've tried not to bother him, did everything he asked in hopes of getting the answer to the apparently impossible question, "why?"
Even when we were together it felt more like I was playing a part, than being myself. Which is so stupid and perhaps says a lot about me at that time and the controlling personality he had. Thing is, outside of our little bubble world I am nothing like a Stepford wife. I am a confidence, ambitious and outspoken woman. I wear clothes that make a statement and I'm a closet shopalcholic. Yet for some insane reason when I was in his presence I suddenly became this insecure, naive girl. I questioned everything I said, I was jealous of other women for no reason, I always felt imperfect and was trying to prove my worth. Which is embarrassing given the fact I'm typically the opposite of this.
Since he chooses not to follow the appropriate and humane break up rules (whatever they may be, which do not include breaking up via the internet) then I have no choice, but to ambush him. It's certainly not my ideal scenario, but I need a face-to-face confrontation if I ever hope to truly forget him. I'm tempting fate and while he may have the home field advantage and with my luck he will be off or on vacation when I'm there I feel I must at least try to find him. I've prepared myself for how he might react and I realize the chances of him actually acknowledging my presence are slim and that I have a better chance of winning the lottery then getting him to talk to me and answer my questions.
It's an experiment and given my new knowledge of his personality I'm not afraid to confront him or put him in an awkward position. This time I'm bringing the entourage and they aren't nearly as glamorous as the guys on the HBO show. Each person has a particular role in this ambush plan. There is D, my sixty year old, sailor mouth, and no filter-talking aunt. She will investigate JSR whereabouts and probably show the waiter pictures of me when I was a child. She's a bit odd, but I love her for that. Then there is J, my old friend and possible new romance. (Read Old Friends and Intrigue post) He use to work with JSR's bi polar dad, but never met JSR. If the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then perhaps JSR was bi polar too. J's role hasn't been decided yet. He's the back up plan, should all else fail. Summer is the showstopper and we are going all out for this.
I realize you must think I'm completely insane and a loser with no life for thinking up this idea. I shouldn't be wasting anymore time on JSR and for the most part I don't, but it's something that still haunts me so much so that I don't want to go back, but since I have to return to Miami next month anyhow I figured it was one last opportunity to tempt fate in hopes of bringing closure to a puzzling life.
With cocktails in hand and painfully gorgeous heels on, the search for JSR begins next month.

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