Saturday, April 17, 2010

Was it Love or Lust?

I stopped pretending we ever were something the day I moved back up north. I gave him a chance then to give 'us' a real shot. But, he didn't think it was the right time or maybe he wasn't that into me. He left me a note that day. I wish I still had it. It wasn't a love letter yet for someone who had never been one for words it was a sweet gesture. But, it was too little, too late.
To this day I still regret moving back north for I will forever wonder what if. I never thought that one day we would be strangers again. He had been one of my closest friends for so long. A part of me had hoped someday I would be the one, but I think we fucked it up a long time ago. Maybe all we ever were meant to be was a short-lived affair.
He puts on this tough guy exterior to the world and I feel lucky enough to have known the softer side. Who we were to this day is an unsolved mystery and perhaps the intrigue and desire that once thrilled me is now what will forever haunt me. I may never know how in fifteen minutes a ten-year friendship was broken or what his feelings were for me. I let all the years we spent together slip by and I never questioned what we were and I never ever thought one day we would die. I think back now to the very beginning, when life was simple and we were infatuated with one another. I was in love with him although it never dawned on me at the time that I was. He was my first love and I suppose you never really forget your first love, but it was more than that. To this day, I compare every man I date up against him and no one has matched the spark I once had with him.
The man he is today is not the man I once knew. I feel betrayed. It's a brutal feeling to realize that a person you once cared for and whom had been a part of your life for so long could so easily dispose of you. One that makes it nearly impossible to trust anyone again.
I am num to love now. I imagine what I would say if I saw him now and my mind goes blank. What we were has been destroyed beyond repair. A large portion of my life has been erased. A part of me wants to blindside him as he did me, but I know it won't change anything. I fear the ultimate rejection, the walk by without an acknowledgement, as if we truly are strangers. Silence can be more painful than words. Yet, I will continue to chase the ghost and face my fears.

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